So much doubt about whether to leave my husband

One positive thing is that he acknowledges that you and he have hit rock bottom. But expecting changes when there is no plan of action is somewhat naive. It might help you to pay for private counselling and get down to working out how to sort out your problems.

What sort of lies does he tell? Whoppers or just casual little lies (I don't mean that one is less significant than the other). But how exactly do the lies affect you? Can you just tell him how irritating it is for you to hear these lies? Are you sure it's not just his health that's getting you down?

I have always felt that when the time comes to leave, you'll know it is the right thing to do. If you need to ask, you're not ready. However, that doesn't mean that you can't get all your ducks in a row. Seek legal advice, seek counselling even if it is just for you and write up a list of pros and cons. The latter should also be about what you want in life.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

A good friend of mine had had enough (she had been unhappy for at least a decade before the children were adults) and gave her husband an ultimatum - either they paid for counselling (Relate) or they paid for a divorce. given that, he reluctantly went with her. Several sessions later, both realised how the relationship had gone wrong but also that they should never have married each other in the first place - and why. They came to an amicable divorce and are both now remarried, and much happier. So, counselling can sometimes save a marriage, but it can also help it to end positively. Would definitely go down this route - you need someone to talk to who is unbiased and neutral (not friends or family). Good luck.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but if keep coming back and asking ‘should I, shouldn’t I”, then you have answered your own question! You are responsible for deciding on the direction (or redirection) of your own life - no one else is.

You have some options.
Stay, with your relationship as it is.
Stay, with explicit and agreed changes.
Leave.

Prevarication, like honesty, is reflexive, and soon becomes a sturdy habit, as reliable as truth.

Shelia, I think you need to listen to your heart, a good man doesn't lie to his wife, throughout their marriage. Speak to a councillor, take a deep breath, and do what's right for you, x

I was going to write exactly what the first person wrote. Do good, kind people lie?
This in itself is enough to drive you crazy, not knowing when the truth is being told but you seem to have put up with it and accepted and even off balance it with him being a nice, good person who just happens to lie.

All said and done you need to talk to him because you need to work this through together. And even if you split up, I'm sure you could offer him a bit of support until you both get used to being appart.

So basically you have no ties just a right to feel and be happy inside and consider your own mental health.

This is a difficult one, you have been together a long time, He lies, than in itself would make me question why I’m prepared to stay. Reason being if you can’t have trust n honesty in a marriage what have you got, he has now got health issues which are hard enough to deal with but with other factors in the marriage will make it harder to deal with, but you marriage hasn’t changed only got worse by the sounds of it, how much longer can you go on like this, it’s your second posting I believe, you haven’t mentioned the word love once, you say he’s a good kind man kind man, sorry I don’t think that a good kind man would lie to you throughout your marriage, I think you would be much happier on your own, if it was me, I would have a serious talk with him telling him how you feel and take it from there, but for me I couldn’t live with a liar,

If your asking the question then I think you know the answer. Why not try counselling? Often an outsider can pin point the problem. I felt the same way a few months ago and we’ve talked it through. It helps but we’re only starting our journey - good luck! 36 years married and still learning.

Hi Good morning my thoughts are with you, yes a very big move after 32 years all I can say if you are not happy it with not change now.
Do not talk to your children even that they are grown up, ask your self could I support myself.
I left after 32 years yes it’s been hard financially but I done it have been on my own 10 years now all I can say if you are going to leave do it before you are to old or you will not do it, make your decisions and move forward only you can decide
Good luck wish you well

A married couple, as has been suggested, living in the same home with separate lives? argggh??.You would both have to be very accommodating !!!!to let that work.
Discuss your situation and your feelings about the marriage with Relate before making any decisions, I can assure you they have heard it all before, on your own of course, as from what you describe it is clear H seems content to let this go on regardless of your feelings.Also there is much to consider, financially, as it is not just a case of packing a bag and taking off. I wish you luck.

We are all in a state of becoming, we are never the finished article.
It is a massive thing to break up a long-standing relationship.
Perhaps if you both agreed to explore every avenue to improve your relationship and then it still didn't work , you could, hand on heart, know that you had really tried everything ,
It could also evolve that you find you have more in common than you thought and that the relationship is worth saving.
Either way surely it is worth making an effort to find out?
If you don't truly believe that it is, then you have your answer.

May i ask what those legal battles and lies are?

There is no marriage without trust. It seems like trust left the building a long time ago and he is stringing you along with fake promises of change.

I would take a break so I could reassess what I wanted for my life. You have the right to be happy

Well sielha I can say for sure you shouldn`t stay with him because of you family.
I did that fir years and in the end it made me ill.
So I decided after over 30 of marriage I ended it and was divorced within 12 months and I have NEVER looked back.
It may be hard on the family but they have made their life and you need to make one.
Wishing you the very best.

Lots of opinion here, mostly made with little or no knowledge so not much help.
If this is really how you feel, do something, anything to change the dead end you feel you are in! Good luck.

I really feel for you but no one can make such a huge decision for you. All the advice in the world from well meaning friends is fine but it’s your life and your marriage. Listen to your heart! Don’t involve your children. They won’t understand. I left after 33yrs and my two DD’s were very angry with me. “How could I leave their wonderful dad”.
That was 20yrs ago and they realise now that it was the right thing for me to do. Of course there are regrets and it’s probably the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, but it was the best thing all round.
Good luck and be kind to yourself.

I left mine after 33 years, couldn’t put up with his ‘always right’ attitude any longer. In hindsight probably should have left a lot sooner but waited until youngest had finished uni. True you need somewhere to go and a means to live. I applied (big ask at 57 and not having worked since 1989 when I had kids) and got a job an hour from home, moved out and never looked back. It does have the downside that the ‘kids’ still live with their Dad and his mind games are working on them as I only get a text/phone call if I make the first move. He signed the divorce papers without question, never asking why I actually left other than to say he ‘thought as much of me now as the day we married’ – sort of said it all. I don’t regret it one bit, and yes there is a new man (who went through something similar). I may be cash poor but I’m rich happy, contented, and laughing so much it’s unbelievable I’m the same person. You only have one life, leave him and find your inner happiness. Remember abuse is not always physical.

Get a counsellor who is also a qualified psychologist . Expensive but worth it if you possibly can afford it.
Sielha wrote:" I’m just keeping things together for our children and grandkids and that he needs me rather than wants to be with me."

Do you stay together from mutual need? If so you are like many married couples for whom mutual need is a good enough reason for staying married. Is it a good enough reason for you to stay married? Do you need him enough for you to stay with him? Or are you still romantic?

If you don't need him enough for you to stay with him I am sorry for him and hope he finds a woman who needs him.

And i didnt mean purplepoppies to discuss all his faults etc with AC,just the health problems so maybe they can help out a bit or offer some support where they can?

You are still young enough to build a new life that benefits you.
Go for it...try Relate, try time apart but do not just stay as you are.
Having read your post from last year I can see you have been unhappy for a long time.

You are only 54, time to live more for you and you have no idea how good life without being dragged down could be.
Be brave.

Id probably be first (in usual circumstances,or where a persons been mistreated or cheated on for example?) to say,the divorce courts are there to be used,but i cant help feeling bad for whom you described yourself as "a good kind man" who just has been unlucky enough,like myself,to get 'one medical problem after another',its pretty hard on a person is that,and for the person you're relying on to want to just up& leave as its wearing THEM down,that is like a slap in the face on top of all the rest!

If you can financially afford it, then leave. The ‘advisor’s’ on here who tell you to get out are, most probably, ones who have done just that - like myself. There is a life for you out there, go and find it. Peace of mind and being out of a controlling situation counts for such a lot. I dithered for many years. One day I woke up with a different head on, saw that my life could be different and happier - made an appointment with a solicitor that very day. I also had two children to think of who certainly were not benefiting from their parents staying together. ‘He’ was having an affair - another good reason to get out. That was 30 yrs ago, went on to marry a lovely guy.

Please don't discuss it with your children! I have listened to my mum telling me how unhappy she is with my step father for years. I know far more than I ever wanted to about him... I see him in completely different (negative) light and the fact they are still together makes any contact I have with him extremely difficult ?.
If you do want to try and salvage your marriage go to a reputable counsellor together. If not then make plans to leave. Good luck ?