So much doubt about whether to leave my husband

no easy answer, only you can know whether you can make the break. It's not something you can contemplate without support, friends , family or indeed relate.
If you can have an honest talk with your husband and let him know how you are feeling that would be a starting point. Then you will see things more clearly and can go from there.
Good luck.

I cant help feeling your husband is being shortchanged a bit too,? He cant help having health issues you know,its not something a person asks for?ive had one health issue after another over the last few years also,and its no picnic i can tell you,but i was already separated,then divorced,for almost from beginning of the health issues,but IF id still been together with hubby by then,and certainly for thirty-odd years,well then for them to 'want out' as the going got tough,so they dont have to help me through it,then id have been horrified! No "in sickness& in health" then?what if you had become ill and he not?Yes,it does sound cruel.Could his lying be to make him feel better over all the health issue stuff?a bit like a 'Walter Mitty' world?Have you discussed any of this with your AC?or asked for their help with their dads health situation? Now MawB reminded us,yes i remember it too,a lot of us commented that one year olds a bit early to jump in assuming a childs got autism,i hope your daughters been helped now,via health visitors etc if they should think there's a problem,so its one thing less for you to worry over?It also crossed my mind that perhaps your hubby 'doesnt take care of himself' as he's depressed,over the whole situation,or believes you don't care about him either? I think maybe you need to work together,not just run out on him when he needs you,which actually is how it looks.im not meaning to be harsh,but i can see it from his side too.Can you?

Guilt is a useless and futile emotion.
You are at the mercy of every one else in your life.
Leave while you can..disentangle yourself. I left it till i was 60.should have gone years before.
A lier is not a good kind man. If your family love and respect you they will honour your decision.
This life is not a dress rehearsal

I think you are staying out of pity
Better for you to leave if only for a short while to find yourself
Only then can you decide your future
But a liar is always a liar
Deep down I think he is probably just as unhappy as you are

I feel for you! Married over 32 years myself and having doubts. I saw a counsellor for the first time and had six sessions to date. They are really helping. Still living at home and put my foot down about a few things. Slowly getting better but it ain’t easy. Having time out for exercise and seeing girlfriends helps. Originally Hubby said “but they are my friend too” and wanted to come along. But I stated strong. In our relationship alcohol is an issue but trying to work it all out within the relationship. Like you though I need to have the strength to call it a day if needs be and being in my own is a scary thought. Your children will want you to be happy. Do get the counselling even if it is just for you! Good luck.

We all deserve to be happy.Sounds like you have done all you can to make the relationship work.Lies even small lies are still lies.My ex husband was a compulsive liar Even told me he had been to an accident.Done heart massage on a man .Was all lies.Your children are all grown up with families of their own.You are entitled to your own happiness.Let 2020 be your new beginnings

forget relate he sounds rubbish If you can get out keeping your money and assets do or get him to leave. Be careful if you are a pensioner he gets half if you divorce. do you own the house ? If so sell up at least you have children who can help I don't so I am stuck with someone who would fleece me

There's something about being lied to that destroys any personal or professional relationship I've ever had. You've been a saint in my eyes for putting up with lying for so long.

Something happened 3 years ago to make you think he would change yet you feel there has been no difference. You are unhappy, struggled to change the situation between you and DH, are these not enough to convince you of what to do. 30 odd years is a long time to be in your situation. Your family are adults, do you really think they have no idea of how you feel and of how their father behaves? I know my AC can read both of us like a book! Think you really know what you should do.

I am married to my 3rd husband, he is 15 years older than me, I am 63 and he is 79
I do struggle with our age difference.
I haven't loved him for over 10 years, if I ever did
I have just been to visit my family in OZ for Christmas and something happened whilst I was there.
Not by me, but my husband which upset me and my angered my daughter
I am in the same situation, I was to end this marriage, I have an opportunity to move to OZ
But I am scared to make the move or to upset anyone least of all leave my husband hurt and devastated

Legal battles with your husband?

What has this involved?!

Yes others are right,you describe him as a good kind man,but how you say he is does not mean that to me? I presume hes good & kind in other ways? Does not swear,hurt or hit you,? Or helps where he can,etc? Obviously the lies are too much now,but im not sure where the 'legal battles' come in? ,nor where your real complaints are,if hes good and kind? Are you simply saying youre bored of him? Or simply fallen out of love with him,or what?its not clear what crux of it all is.and after 32years,if hes genuinely,good and kind to you,well,you could do worse.or you could start again,& jump from frying pan into fire,or get someone whose not 'good or kind' to you. Maybe you could live separate lives but within your home& see how that goes?

Life is not a rehearsal and you only get one chance after over 25 years I decided to
end it my regrets will always be why I hadnt 19 years earlier ,patching and ignoring didnt work.
Finally I had to make some drastic decisions because I knew that I did not want to die in the situation baring his name.
Decide and put wherever your decisions are into action .if your to stay then work for its success if you decide to leave work for that to succeed as well.
Its not going to be easy which ever way you decide

I think you’ve listed all the reasons you should leave your husband. Do your children know your problems? If they do, then I’m sure they will support you. However, as you are still undecided it is probably not right for you at the moment. Think hard. It’s not easy starting out alone. Will you have a home, income, etc?

Do something good and kind for you. When it feels scary to jump that is exactly when you jump. Otherwise you end up staying in the same place your whole life.

You must make a decision and after 32 years of marriage it is going to be difficult, but I think you have already in your mind made that decision. Do it now or forever keep quiet. Tell him how you feel and that it takes 2 to change things, if after 3 years it's the same then obvious he nor you are committed to change. Dont blame family on you staying in an unhappy marriage, I'm sure children and grandchildren would prefer you to be happy. Big decisions but maybe the changes are on the horizon. Good luck.

Leave him. I left mine 2 years ago and it was the best thing that ever happened to me. My children said that it was lovely to have their mum back again. I am 60yrs young and you will find a wonderful new life waiting for you. Good luck ?

You say that your husband is willing to change your relationship but hasn't done so. Do you mean that he says he will try to change and does nothing, or has tried to change without success?

I would start by asking him again whether he is willing to change or not, and book marriage counselling for you both.

Next point, do you still love him and want to stay with him?

If not, you need to find out how you will be placed financially if you leave him.

Why does you husband lie to you? Is it an inferiority complex that lies behind all these lies? Why have you put up with it so long? (Probably because you love him, I guess).

I hope you find a solution that suits you. Your husband is an adult who must take responsibility for himself.

Sielha I remember well the frustration you voiced over a year ago and it seems things have gone from bad to worse.
I think this was summer 2018?
Suppose I just need to offload/rant but does anyone feel a slight resentment creeping in when they are living with someone who has had one health issue after the other for the last 5 years? Sounds cruel even as I type it but it’s wearing me down, especially when they don’t take care of themselves. I feel like I have another child to look after when we should be entering a more relaxed phase of our lives (I’m 55 and he’s 61 so not really old!) I know that it’s just life and that I should be grateful for what I have, and I am but it’s hard not to feel resentful at times. I also have a pregnant daughter who lives very near with her husband and 1 year old son, who she suspects is on the autistic spectrum, so she also demands a lot of me. As mums, grans, sisters, aunties etc, we seem to be expected to provide all the emotional support whilst neglecting our own needs. I’ll stop here as I’m annoying myself now? Rant OVER!!
But deep down I wonder whether this is at the bottom of it all.
You sound exhausted but can’t see a way out.
Pity is not a substitute for love though.
The best advice I could offer would be get help - whether that is counselling, legal advice, practical domestic help - but whatever it takes to help you find yourself and take whatever decision you finally settle on.

If you have to ask the question the answer is probably yes.

Sielha, I can only add that I agree with Sparklefizz and others. Think very hard about how you want to spend the rest of your life.

A lot of good advice here, thank you

You are stuck.

You don't know which way to turn, or how to turn it.

In your heart you will know whether you can face another twenty or thirty years in the same situation. Your children are adults and independent, your grandchildren are not your responsibility (except to love them).

If you can, make an appointment with a Relate counsellor. Talk through the positives and negatives. Make the next six months the time you will decide one way or another - and then follow through, making the best of whichever path you take.

Leave, before things change so that you cannot.

Sielha, you only have one life. Don't live it for children, grandchildren or your husband - live it for YOU!