So much doubt about whether to leave my husband

Someone close to me called it a day last February.
Both had counselling in 2014 and tried to move forward.
At first both parties attempted to follow advice, change outlooks and build on what they had together.
However, things did not change for the best.
After almost 30 years 'x' made the hard choice, another 30 years with a possible yearly or monthly deterioration of the relationship or divorce.

If only one person is prepared to change, meet the other half way, build on what life they have together life, then the relationship is doomed.

Last year has been hard, but the improvement in mental health has been worth it.
Planning small things such as visiting friends, weekend away every so often has helped.

Excercise (walking) and healthy eating has helped immensely.

I wish them both Happy 2020.

Great advice here. Invest in yourself literally, by paying for a decent counsellor.

So sorry to hear that things are difficult Sielha.
I am with Bradfordlass on this.

Spending some time apart would give you both time to re-evaluate what your relationship means to you and what you are prepared to do, to rebuild it or to end it.
(My sister in law did this, rented a flat for a few months and found it helped, I think it woke her partner up a bit ... and they got back together).

Other people’s good advice about talking to family and considering counselling also holds true, of course.

If you are very unhappy living with him then probably it would be best to leave but surely it cannot be easy, guilt, finance, not wishing to hurt or inflict loneliness to him or yourself and probably many other conflicts as well.
I am starting to really believe we all deserve to be happy, we pass this way only once so should we not benefit from happiness if we can?

It is a bit over used currently but practicing Midfulness can be really usefull not only if the focus of other things but starting an awareness of how we need to look after our own wellbeing.
I imagine the majority of women (Grans) on GN are of an age that put far more effort and responsibility for others in all relationships than is expected or the norm today and rarely putting themselves first.

All said it is hard place to be, good luck whatever you decide.

Sielha Don't talk to your children who can't possibly be unbiased - talk to a counsellor. This may mean you have to pay someone as I believe the waiting list for Relate is long, but you have let this go on long enough and frankly none of us can make changes in our personality at this stage in our life.

Take some time to look at the practical side of things - where would you live? Would he be the one to move out? Finances, etc.

There can be no trust when someone constantly lies, even over small things. I know ... I've been there. How can you believe him over anything at all? In the end, he will only have to say he's going to B&Q and you won't believe him !!!

You need to do some serious thinking, and a counsellor could help you with this. Good luck.

I'm not sure that a good, kind, man would consistently lie to you Sielha. I think you need to look at all the pros and cons of your relationship including the practical implications if you left. Your children are adult now so I don't see the need to stay for their sake. Have you talked to your children about your problems ?
It would probably help you to talk things through with an independent person. Good luck.

Have you booked yourselves into Relate for some sessions of mediation? It might help in the decision.

Is it posible for you both to agree to 'time out' and one of you move out of the family home for a few months?

If you were to lave him permanently, you would need your own space - this is the less radical approach.

It will help consolidate your feelings and, if you then decide you want to try again, do so.

If not, then you've both managed to distance yourself and can seek independence.

The sad thing about lying is that it prevents people from getting to know one another- People lie because they are afraid to reveal their true self, afraid of others response to the truth- They can be evasive and dismissive but also kind and good in an effort to offset or rationalize the guilt they experience living a lie-

Do good, kind people often lie?