So much doubt about whether to leave my husband

Many years ago, I spent a lot of time debating with myself whether to stay in my marriage or go. I questioned mysel f, weighed up pros and cons, wondered about the impact on our children, basically drive myself nuts trying to decide. It consumed me. A wide woman said to me "if you have to keep questioning it, stay. When it is time to go, you won't have to ask yourself any questions. You will know." And she was right. We did eventually split but when that time came, there wasn't a single question in my head.

I think that is the best advice. Stop torturing yourself and try to enjoy the life that you have. It may help both of you. If it doesn't and you reach the stage where it's time to separate, I promise you, you will know.

only you can really make the decision, but feel so sad you have to suffer and even have to face this. maybe the new year will bring in new things but in the end you know what the real answer is... do the negatives weigh up against the positives of the relationship now ? sending you hugs x

After 32 years I have taken that step. My husband and I had vastly different values and I would tell him that if I were meeting him for the first time he was not the sort of person I would ever entertain going out with. He was at best totally negative and at worst an emotional bully. However we have two amazing children (now grown up and no longer living with us!) and I have two equally fabulous kids from a previous relationship. Health issues meant that he was unable (or unwilling) to work for the majority of our time together yet he was unwilling to get help or see a doctor. It finally came to a head and my children have supported me every step of the way as I have finally taken the step to freedom. After sofa surfing with my children for 5 months I now have a rented space of my own. Such freedom... Ask yourself, do you really want to spend the next 10 years (let alone the next 10 months) as you are right now?

let your consiuse be your guide.i was 19 when i was married had 5 children .my ex was the love of my life.my first live as the years went by i found out she had been cheating on me.i forgave her to keep our family together.but it still contued with her lies.after 26 years i divorced her and got custody of my last 2 youngest at my home and i got her dog.been happy ever since.feeling can change in time as we get older and you get a new start

I’m in exactly the same position. My husband has recently been diagnosed as bi-polar and is an alcoholic. I want to leave but how can I when he can now label his behaviour as being due to his ‘illness’ . I am starting counselling in the new year after being referred by my local domestic abuse team. His behaviour is emotional abuse whatever causes it. I can feedback after my first session if it is if any help?

I don't envy you having to make such a huge decision.
Personally, being a bit indecisive myself, I find it best when in doubt to do nothing, until you wake up one morning with a gut feeling. Those gut feelings are almost always right.
I see no reason why marriage has to necessarily be for ever.
There is life beyond. And it sounds like you've had enough.
But, be sure you can then live comfortably with your decision and not feel guilty about leaving him. Guilt is a difficult emotion to live with, as I can testify.

I’m almost in the same position as you. 40 years of being lied to over and over again. I’ve waited on him hand and foot and he, apparently has bragged about it to people too, in our first 5/6 years together he’d try to strangle me when we had a row. He’d goad me until I lost my temper, once telling me he enjoyed doing it because it made my eyes flash. The strangling stopped when I punched him in the face, think I broke his nose! He ruined every holiday with his sulking sometimes waiting till the last minute then saying he wasn’t going. One holiday he didn’t get his passport sorted which meant my son and I going alone, he had to follow 3 days later after going to Liverpool to get a passport. That cost even more money because we had to pay again for airplane seats for him, his 2 children and our son! This sort of thing has gone on all these years. I left him for 3 years but he told me he had prostrate cancer so I came back...now I, and his own son who I brought up, think he lied about it because within weeks, he’d stopped ‘going to hospital because he was cured’. I never saw him take any medication nor has he been back for ‘check ups’ as I know they do when you’ve had cancer. Since then he has been ill but caused by him overeating, getting so big he got loads of stuff wrong with him. Lymphedema, fistula in his gut and part of it rotted and had to be cut away. I nursed him for 3 years through all this and he still treated me like dirt. His son told him off saying, ‘if it hadn’t been for her, you’d be dead now’.
Now he walks on crutches and can barely walk a few yards and I feel trapped. I’m still running around after him. I can’t be bothered to speak to him anymore. Last year I mentioned getting a little car and was told ‘not with my money you aren’t’. He joined the Labour Party 5 years ago and is now a town AND county councillor. He has a right go at me because I refuse to vote Labour, he even changed my voting to postal vote then told me afterwards. If I want to go anywhere he says I’ll take you, he has a mobility car, he drives me and waits in the car!
I’ll be 74 this year and I feel I’ll be trapped in this house where the living room is upstairs. My stepson pays the mortgage as his board money so if H dies I won’t get anything. They arranged that between them. Long story but H went bankrupt and couldn’t get a mortgage!
My father died in the summer and left me some money which I haven’t told anyone about only my own eldest son. If I tell H he will spend it. I didn’t get enough to buy a little place but I can’t rent because I have 4 little dogs. I’m resigned to the fact that I’ll probably die before him but I’m going to make sure that any money doesn’t go to him or his son.

I find it so frustrating when OP doesn’t come back either to comment on replies to her dilemma or with more information.
Quite honestly who could give reliable advice without much more background knowledge?
It is dangerous to advise in either direction with so little to go on

Just go. If he hasn’t changed like he said he has is it worth it.

I personally know a couple who had reached the point of separating. They arranged that he had a rented flat for three months to enable them to 'sort their heads out'. Either of you could move out for a break. You both should discuss and plan the arrangement. Knowing it is not necessarily the end will enable you to assess your true feelings and help in the decision-making. It is important to see this arrangement as beneficial to you both and a joint decision to undertake it. With regard to Relate, it will be worthwhile approaching them - I believe the charges made are what you feel you can afford. Good luck - you both deserve to be happy.

Unless I am mixing you up with somebody else Sielha did you not spend several weeks at your husband’s hospital bedside after surgery, last year or thereabouts?
Perhaps how you feel now is delayed depression after the long period of stress?

My husband was an alcoholic for he first 30 years of our marriage and I wish that I had left him. Now we have been married 52 years not happily. 4years ago he had 3 strokes and has vascular dementia, anxiety and depression. If I had left then I wouldn’t now be his carer and hating every minute of it! It wasn’t so easy for me to go earlier as we were abroad a lot as he was in the army. Take care of yourself, don’t end up like me.

Sorry bad spelling! And, similar

Only you can make this decision.
However look up 'sociopath' anx if the behaviours he displays are somilar/like the explanation maybe it will help you decide?
Whatever the outcome I wish you luck and happiness for the future.

I would hold on in there, you say he is a “ good kind man” the garden of life does not have all lovely blooms no more than life does we all have our faults weeds and compost. What do you do to try and improve things.? It would different if he was a right bastard.

I really feel for you Sielha. Its very easy to say just leave, but very hard to do, particularly after 32 years and because there will inevitably be an effect on wider family. How can you know if you will be happier? How can you predict the effect on your children and grandchildren? If holding the family together contributes directly to your own happiness then its complicated. I would echo those who have recommended counselling. We had just six sessions paid for privately and the issues really came out of the woodwork, it was incredible. I dont know that we actually solved many of them (some are probably a lifetime project) but just hearing things said out loud fundamentally changed the quality of our communication, and communication is so vital. Getting issues off our chests with a mediator really cleared the air and we have been much more considerate of each other ever since and also much better at voicing disagreements so that they can be discussed. I honestly dont think either of us had very high hopes before we saw our counsellor and hubbie was against the whole thing, but even he now admits how useful it was.

I haven’t read any other comments, I’m going in blind to what others have said, and any updates you may have given. The first thing that struck me, was you said he is kind, and then talked about his lies. He can’t be both. It’s not kind to lie, however ‘small’ the lie is. I think you should trust your instincts, and do whatever you need to do for your happiness. Your children and grandchildren will pick up on any bad vibes, if they haven’t already.

Hard to advise in all honesty. You say you have been married for 32 years to a good, kind man. Worth a lot imo.

Nobody is perfect, nobody can provide EXACTLY what another person wants...especially over time when your needs change.

I think I would ask myself some questions like

How unhappy am I?

Have I never been happy with him?

Do I just want HIM to change?

Would I really love to live on my own?

Do I think there is something better out there for me or am I happy never meeting another person to live with?

Nobody can answer these questions for you Sielha.

Just be clear what you actually want? Grass - Greener and all that.

susan1608 please start your own thread and you will get more responses.

I left my control freeck husband of 29 yrs it was the best decision I made for myself. But it’s hard to get on. My children were all grown up I have 3 sons 1 daughter , 2 eldest sons took his side. But they all told me to leave him and they all know how he treat me. After 4 yrs apart he convinced me to go bk as he had changed. After soul searching I went bk to him. My main reason was to reconcile with my two sons and families. BIG mistake you carnt go bk. so I left again, I met the most loving ,kind, considerate, Loyal man, we married after 4 yrs living together we have just celebrated our 20 th year together. I tell you this with advice to make sure you are able to afford somewhere to live and make your children’s family’s know your reasons for your actions. Try to stay friends with your husband but live for yourself. Take advice from councillors and get yourself a really good solicitor. I wish you all the luck in the world happy new year 2020. I hope my story may help you.

My sister had a very unhappy marriage. Her husband was selfish, domineering and abusive from the start. She did leave him for a while once after he had knocked her about but went back. I asked her why. Her reply was “for the money and the life style”. I am sure that it caused her poor health and early death and he lived until he was eighty eight.
Leave him whilst you have your health and strength.
I have always been poor but happy.

32 years! Its not gonna change now. I think you have a choice between leaving him or putting up with it.

May I ask why you wish "to keep things together for children and grandkids"? I am quite sure it doesn't matter to them, they want you happy.

This is such timely reading for me. We have been married 46 years and have had a very up and down relationship. He is very difficult to handle and rants at the slightest provocation. I know he loves me and tells me he couldn’t live without me and when we’ve argued he falls over backwards to be nice. But I don’t know if I can carry on any more. We suffered severe financial losses 15 years ago in the crisis and have never recovered. I kept a lot of the debt problems to myself to “spare” him the worry, thinking I could deal with them, but I’m just digging myself a bigger hole, as now we are almost at rock bottom financially. He knows we are struggling, but not how bad. I’m making myself ill, I can’t sleep with worry, and every waking moment I can only think about our finances and how much blame I put on him for this state of affairs. Also 5 years ago we had a problem over a property with my Daughters in-laws and fell out with them. He has never spoken to them since, or our son in law and now we can never do things together as a unit. He blames them, although it was mostly his fault, but won’t see it that way. It breaks my heart. I can’t afford to leave him but don’t know if I could do it anyway. It’s a long time to be together, for better or worse. My daughter says I shouldn’t be unhappy for what time I have left (I’m 67) and I hate what he had done. I’ve been too weak over the years, always thinking about the children’s welfare and that believing things would get better.
I so sympathise with Siena but am not in a position to advise. Reading through what she says and what I have written it seems we are crying out for someone to say “leave and start a new life” not stick it out any longer, but putting that into place is going to be so hard. How can I now tell him how bad things are when I’ve been covering it up for so long. It’s such a mess. I must take the blame.

Leave

Relate gave us valuable advice including Citizens Advice Bureau who gave me 1/2 hour free with a lawyer. 3 options, divorce, legal separation or un legal separation. We chose the last, he moved out, sorted out our house, he kept his pension, I had our house. He died some 15 years later leaving me as his widow and executor. I got his house and pension. Now, the girls have his money and are both settled. Life certainly did not turn out as it should have when we got married