Just clinging on?

It never fails to surprise me how many couples go into retirement without discussing their expectations of this important phase of their lives.
It's a complete change of lifestyle for us and we need to discuss and plan what we want to do and what we can afford. Couples don't need to be joined at the hip, lots of opportunities out there for all tastes.

I retired before my OH. when he went I suggested that if we both wanted to a) do our own things and b) spend time together he would need to take his share if the chores. he chose what he would do and I let him get on with it and did not tell him how to do anything or when to do it. This has worked well and now he even cooks lunch every Sunday!

I have learnt ( learned , I’m never quite sure)
That you cannot change anyone else other than yourself,
Sending best wishes , do what you need to do to make your life happier & more fulfilled for you.

I have a sneaking suspicion that some peeps here do love to play the martyr, and also blame shift for their lack of definite boundaries.

Life is not a rehearsal.

Find someone new in 2020, and actually live your lives to the fullest, instead of just existing in a dysfunctionally toxic rut.

Set these couch potatoes free in 2020! ...

And you will be certain of a happy new year.

Lots of wise words ladies - gosh I’ve only been married 22 years but have found the last couple since my hubby retired difficult on and off. I’m trying too make my own routine and I do see friends, children etc. I also go to choir. Recently I’ve felt a bit like a housekeeper and although I love him he’s decided he has not interest in a physical relationship anymore. This I
am finding difficult. Yes we’ve discussed it, had some counselling etc. but we seem to go round in circles. I’d like to move but he doesn’t want to. I’m not sure I’m brave enough to leave and start over on my own and financially it would make a mess. We shall see ....

* After 46 years I suddenly find myself with nothing to do and no one to talk too.*

What did you do when your husband worked?!

He tends to take root on one of the sofas for the day and moan about the rubbish on TV.
I actually rearranged all the living room furniture (told him I fancied a change) to ensure that he can't sit directly facing the screen. He grumbled about it. I did it just to annoy him!

Jillybird, you really made me laugh! My lodger is just like that (a TV addict, I call him).

Find you own interests. Or find something that you can do together / share an interest. After all you had a life before children etc find the spice again....

I’m looking forward to retirement from NHS later this year. I’m currently on a three day week, dread the start of my working week but have come to realise I’ll be a slob when I do retire. I had a taste of retirement a couple of years ago when I was undergoing chemotherapy for colon cancer and I did next to nothing on my good days.
I’ve had a bit of a rubbish working life in all honesty. I’ve been bullied by management in different jobs which is why I’m looking forward to leaving it all behind me. I’m not being bullied now but can’t put it behind me somehow. What to do, eh?

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

@Giddygrandma1
If you're a giver - you will find a taker.

You should level up honey, and seize the day.

This lady is hilarious, and right on the button - you could do a lot worse than spend this weekend binge - watching her videos...
Ashera7 on Youtube

(When to give up on a man)
www.youtube.com/watch?v=A2QR016fGMg

Just build your own independent lives around your husbands.

If he sits all day in front of the tv, just leave him there. Plan meals you want when you want them, find new interests and follow them. Ditto those absorbed in hobbies you do not share.

The ball is in your court, step up and step out.

'Why are men so selfish?' and 'me still fitting in around him' - looks like you've answered your own question!

He's just the way that you've allowed him to be. Glad to say that I've never fitted in around anybody!

Cangran, your post made me sit up and think. I’ve been considering leaving my husband for many reasons but you have given me food for thought, I think I am capable to take up your idea, thank you for posting.

Go on a girly holiday with a friend or family member for a week at least. Let him stew for a while so that he misses you, stop him taking you for granted. Treat them mean to keep them keen, that's my motto! Good luck xxx

I agree with the suggestions made but would just add don't get into the habit some women have of leaving a meal ready to be heated or sandwiches in the fridge. My husband just makes himself beans or cheese on toast and clears up afterwards . I ask him to help with the main meal by saying could you just chop an onion/open this can /peel those potatoes etc and before he knows it the meal is made between us. He is of course quite happy to help but is less confident about preparing a fixed recipe.

For many of us women, most of our married life has been taken up with looking after our husbands and children. Somewhere along the way, we lose sight of ourselves and what's important to us. We've been married 43 years and my husband has always worked hard to provide a decent life for us. However he's always had hobbies outside the home and at weekends, life still tends to revolve around those hobbies. However I now take myself off to town even if I don't need much. I sit in a cosy cafe with a coffee, or meet a friend. In the Summer I watch cricket and it invariably lands up having a little drink with a friend. Retirement is looming, but I'm going to embrace it and find some new things to do. I'll be joining a "young at heart" group to start with, who have some fantastic day trips. Get out and about as mush as you can. Sitting in the house won't help either of you.

Why are you still fitting in around him? He has lots of hobbies so go out there and get some for yourself - take up something you have always wanted to do or rekindle something you had to give up. We are solely responsible for our own happiness. You will find that as you become more happy and independent he might become less grumpy and if not then your out there enjoying yourself so you might not notice his grumpiness so much.

Giddygrandma1 I have often wondered along those lines myself. Is it because they were considered first when they were growing up and girls were expected to be more dutiful and compliant? I know it was the case in my own childhood and can remember to this day being told by my own mother that I was 'just' a girl and therefore of no importance!! My OH is morphing into a grumpy old man before my very eyes it seems. I have fairly recently started to do some volunteering. initially he was all for it & encouraged me but that is wearing off and he is now becoming resentful of it. Even though the hours I agreed to were all arranged around him. I'm determined to continue despite his grumbling because the work I do makes me feel worthwhile, keeps my brain ticking over, gets me out of the house etc. I do feel tired at the end of it but it's a satisfied tired and the people I'm with appreciate my efforts. Perhaps you could consider volunteering two or three hours per week at a local primary, lots of kiddies need help with reading for example on a one to one. You could join a walking group as my sil has done or if there are any historical premises near they welcome volunteers in a 1001 different roles. Pet rescues need dog walkjers,. Do something for you, something to put a spring in your step & a smile on your face, he may not improve but it will make it more bearable. Is there a men in sheds group or walking football or grumpy old gits group you could steer him to? Best of luck.

We have had other gransnetters in the same situation as you. I always recommend volunteering with the National Trust. Find your nearest property and look at their website or just go along. They are always looking for new volunteers. Most of us do one regular day a week which means we make friends with others who work on the same day. You also get to learn a lot about the property which you are able to talk to visitors about, and there are social events to go to. if you find it's not for you just stop, there's no commitment and you get your travelling expenses paid. What have you got to lose.

Firstly, communication! Every so often when things are getting complacent or something is sliding in our relationship I call a house meeting. I've learnt over the years ( 43 +) that I need to be clear, give examples and offer solutions and take criticism too. I've had to learn to be assertive, so we get a win win situation. Not perfect but I keep trying!
We do some things together but we also, importantly, have our own interests ( although we both do Pilates we go to different classes!) and we still do a bit of paid work.
Finally, it is the case that Testosterone, in men, drops through later life and this results in grumpy git syndrome- for him to understand this and how it affects you both is very important for making life as happy as it can be!

As a divorcee, I do genuinely feel sorry for women who've run a home for decades, raised kids (often with little help from himself), worked outside the home and now have this miserable retirement. This is your life too.

Do you have any hobbies maybe you could try doing something that you are interested in, which would get you out of the house, if you are meeting new ppl doing new things I think you would possibly be happier, and have more to talk about and then go out together on the days you both have free

I am a tad confused. You say he is the love of your life and then call him a selfish grumpy old man who contributed little financially or emotionally to your marriage, but did keep a roof over your head and food on the table.
What is it you want from him? more attention? more support? more love? If he was such an inattentive husband throughout your marriage why are you expecting more of him now?