Longing for daughter

Im going through similar things. We moved to be closer to sons now they might move away taking my only grandchild I will get. I feel lonely too as I have no family left either. Our kids just don't realise what we have been through to love and support them and how much we need them. At the end of the day we cant stop them for living their lives the way they want too. We just have to suck it up and try and fill our lives with other things. You definitely need some counselling and maybe antidepressants. Get help so you don't have a melt down and fall out with your daughter. Can you travel when they have a baby? This lonelieness is inherent in only children. Especially with your traumatic family history. Shes too young to feel your sense of family. Only age can do that. Mine aren't either. Im not sure if its age, personality or selfishness on their part but we are selfish if we stop them living their lives even if we don't like it. Seek help as soon as possible.

Jane, my heart goes out to you and all those here who are missing their AC (and, in some cases, GC). IMO, the fact that one misses a loved one who has moved away is normal and a sign of the closeness of the relationship. Unfortunately, Jane, if you are so deeply affected by DD's move after all this time, perhaps you two were overly close/you are too dependent on the relationship (sigh). I agree w/ those who say counseling may be in order to help you learn to cope. Same for others here who are suffering deeply and endlessly over their AC's moving far away.

Regardless, I totally get your having a sense of bereavement. When someone relocates far away, it can feel like a loss, I imagine, and you need time to grieve. Perhaps you really haven't allowed yourself that and this is part of the problem?

I imagine the fact that DD and SIL are planning to start a family is also affecting you b/c your only GC will be so far away. Hopefully, you can utilize Skype, etc. to keep in contact w/ them, and schedule visits back and forth, etc

But all this gets back to the idea of getting counseling to help you figure out how best to cope. I hope you do. And I hope you (and others) continue to reach out here for support. Hugs!

There is no substitute for family, I know this doesn’t apply to everyone, but when it does, it is extremely difficult to accept that your family won’t be near, I have been lucky enough to have been able to seen my own mother every week, and sisters too, thro the last 50 years of my marriage, and the pleasure that that gave me and my children you cannot measure, I too love to see my children and grandchildren every other week, just love their company, feel totally blessed that I have them, and I don’t see anything wrong with that, and I am certainly not depressed, I am a fit healthy yoga loving 72 year old, but family is everything to me and always has been, and I am certainly not depressed

Because my mother became so upset at the idea of us emigrating, many years ago, we dropped the idea. We have always regretted it. Children shouldn’t have to tailor their lives to suit their parents.
Four of my five have emigrated to Australia. One has since returned, after divorcing. My fifth child has spent years away from home through work or travelling.
I can understand why you are so upset, especially with your tragic family background, but you really need to seek help with coping with your daughter’s absence. Try to attend the wedding, if that is possible. Chat online as much as you can, and be happy for her. She is making a new life for herself, and needs your support.
I am in Australia right now, visiting my family. My daughter got married here in November. My son’s first baby arrives in May, so I will be over again for that special event. My savings are dropping drastically, as a result, but who cares? I’m 80, so I am living life to the full while I’m still fit enough to do so.
Look for positives in the situation, if you can, and try to be happy that your daughter is happy.

So sorry you’re feeling so low. I do agree with some others that your family history may have a bearing on how you feel. If you can find a good counsellor, that may help. But do try and embrace the children you have here. And your husband and work. And also the fact that you raised a lovely daughter who is hopefully happy in her new life. That is our job as parents.

I live abroad, away from family and it's hard for me. The difference is, I'm the daughter, but my mom died before I moved and I am estranged from my dad. I now long for my own extended family and sister. It's hard...but we invest in travelling 2x per year to see family. Maybe you could make that your financial goal....make more money, save and travel to her or have her travel to you.

I hope your other kids don't feel resentful.

I think it is the way that we ourselves are made as to how things affect us. As I child I never felt really loved by my parents. I think that has made me focus so much on my 2 children so much. When my son left home 20 years ago I felt as if I had died inside. I am so lucky that my DD lives near me. I could not bear it if both of them were far away. I can totally understand how you feel, JaneNJ. But remember that DD may still return home.Thousands of people do, some after years and years.

For those whose sons or daughters married overseas
- may I ask why it is a decision you didn't like?

Maybe they married abroad so it was easier for immigration purposes?
It is also way easier to plan a wedding in the place you live, vs a different country and/or continent.
At least in the US, if you marry a US citizen and the other partner is not (groom or bride), it is recommended you get married in the US as it is easier to proceed paperwork wise later.

Have you thought about face-time calls ? It is not a substitute but at least you would be able to see each other and talk regularly.

My eldest has been settled in NZ for several years. I've never felt bereft without him though.

He's happy there (that's the important thing) and returns for a few weeks every year. We skype, email and phone every few weeks to catch up.

It's natural for kids to grow up, leave us and make their own lives. I think your feelings have focused on your daughter but have roots elsewhere. Maybe something else is missing from your life? See your GP to access help.

I too have my eldest daughter and my only grandchild living six more than thousands of miles away. She too chose to have her wedding overseas which also upset me greatly. She has now lived overseas more than 8 years after promising she would be only gone for a year. I miss her and my darling grandchild so much but I know she is happy and leads a wonderful life with her lovely husband and she has a very good job. You will get used to it and find ways to see her. SKYPE and FACETIME make things a little more bearable and when you do see or visit them it will be quality time as you will spend a longer time with them and not just an hour or two once or twice a week. We give our children wings to fly, to make their own nests and they will always fly home.

Melbourne 1992....I am going to take a punt that your son was born in 92 and he lives in Melbourne. I really do think you have clinical depression and you really need to visit your GP and tell them what you have told us. To feel your son has ruined your life is an indication that you are not thinking clearly. As a 21 year old he left for an adventure and found his soul mate and place in life. As parents we are provide the building blocks for our children to build their life upon. We are not a big consideration....and I don’t think we should be. Many children that stay home because of parents....invariably do it out of duty...not because they can’t think of anything they would rather do! Seek counselling so you can embrace his chosen life and feel genuinely happy for him. Meantime, you also need to invest in your life, go out, join things, if you can, travel....meet friends for coffee...spend a day by the beach, volunteer with animals or the homeless...find a place for all that caring you clearly still have to give.

I know exactly how you feel, my son who is my youngest of my two sons left to go back packing in Australia nearly 6 years ago. He met a girl out there and never came back. He was only 21 and I feel like I've missed so much of him "growing up". I'm so glad that he's happy and settled but he has broken my heart although I would never tell him so. I feel like he has ruined my life some times because I can't stop thinking about him and I almost have panic attacks when I think he will probably never return. I have good days and days when I just cry and think about ending my life. It's something that never goes away and never seems to get better. When he rings I'm elated then I crash down. I have another son and Grandchildren and that helps but I don't see them that much. Sorry I know I am no help, probably made you feel worse but I just wanted to let you know that I feel the same

It sounds like you may have clinical depression. We give birth to our kids, help them to prepare for independence....then we have to let go. I moved 200 miles from my parents at 18....we saw each other maybe 3 times a year. My brothers lived closer to my parents....but probably I visited more. I brought my children up to believe there was nothing they couldn’t achieve, not to marry too young as once you marry you never have complete independence again...and advised them that world out there offered adventures, go travel. They all did. They all lived abroad. My daughter is 40 and has lived abroad since her mid twenties. We see each other twice a year usually. My youngest moved to Australia for a while, married and now lives in Scotland. My youngest lived on the Middle East but is now local. We ourselves moved to Mainland Europe for several years. Skype, FaceTime....do what you have to to keep in touch and feel the connection...but don’t make your daughter aware you are pining for her....feeling guilty because your mother wants you nearby when you are living the best life you can, is very destructive. I’m a little puzzled that you don’t invest a little more in your other children, they must surely be aware their mum has a firm favourite!

How lucky are you not only a good marriage but daughters as well. I have been a widow since 50 (30 years ago)
I a.m fortunate to have 2 sons, but every mum needs a daughter. One of my sons lives in Oz with the only female children in my family. I make the effort to visit them every other year. It takes me two years to save the fare, but so worth it.
Make the most of what you have and allow your children to have their own life

In some areas there are schemes like adopt-a-gran, or local people are welcomed into schools to help at story time or for reading lessons. Maybe you could ask around if there's anything like that near where you live so you can help others but also help yourself to heal that gap in your life. Obviously you'd need to have a police check done but I think you'd find it very rewarding. Other similar tasks are making the tea at mother and toddler groups and looking after a few children while their mums gets a cuppa. Good luck. I know nothing can replace your daughter and the hoped for grandchild but maybe doing something that brings you into contact with young families might help you and I've no doubt you have plenty to offer to help them too.

Dear Jane, I have had the privilege of working with people who were Holocaust survivors, and the children of survivors. I salute your courage in bringing up a child who felt free to follow her own path.

I would second those who suggest that some counselling might help - there are some who have a good deal of experience of families affected by the particular loss of the Holocaust. For many survivors, the business of building a successful life and raising a family meant that loss got put aside, and I am not surprised that it has now surfaced.

I am sure you will find again the resilience that has stood you in such good stead for so long, but you may need to ask for help n doing so, and in the meantime, be kind to yourself.

I second the counseling idea. GP too.

If you have a history of depression before this event, depression could have been triggered again.
Ar you following any treatment for this depression?

I would also concentrate in having the glass half full vs empty.
You have so many good things going for you where you live.
How is this affecting your other children living nearby?

Family is not everything in life. You are also a person and you are complete just by yourself. You are in charge of your own happiness. It is not healthy or reasonable for others to modify their actions for you (wedding in your home country, move back, etc)

I feel for you, but you are so lucky to have two other children. Everything else sounds so good too. Try and focus on all you have. I've had depression, since not well. My only daughter lives few miles away with only grandchild I dote on. When I'm with her I feel so much better but when she leaves I plummet. My granddaughter is my world. I don't have a good marriage, out of work. I know I need to reduce my dependence on her but don't feel well enough.

I wonder if part of the way you feel about this is explained by the fact that you, like all others who lost family in the Holocaust like children and grandchildren of those who survived the camps carry the burden of their suffering.

I hope you are able to discuss this aspect with someone who understands how significant it can be.

Having a daughter living so far away is difficult, but we have to accept that our children chose their own path and try to be happy for them.

If your daughter and her husband are happy where they are, I am afraid you will need to accept that and not go on hoping they will move back nearer to you.

I totally understand as I have a similar relationship with my daughter.
I'm relatively lucky as she only lives about 100 miles away. She and her husband had a lovely little boy nearly three years ago and there have been times when I've had to give myself a good talking to when I've got sad about the fact that I can't help with his care or see them more often than I do.
The key for me seems to be to have something to look forward to.
I know it's a long way, but can you go to visit? Will your daughter be coming to visit you?
I'm glad, too, that my daughter has a happy marriage when so many don't, and a lovely little boy after a difficult struggle.
I suppose I'm saying try to find some positive things to hang on to. Your daughter was never going to stay with you for life unless there was something very wrong. So try to be glad she's got a good life, wherever it is.
I echo all the people who've recommended counselling - it really can help to re-frame your thoughts.

I know exactly how you feel JaneNJ. Im in the same boat and my 2 sons (only have them) both moved to Singapore with no sign of coming back. I visit regularly but leaving to come home is terrible. I concentrate on how nice a life they are having, with a maid and year round sunshine, virtually no crime - this comforts me - could it you?

I’m so sorry you’re feeling so very low . You might be interested in an active thread on gransnet cafe forum, where the current topic is about children and grandchildren living very far away . I’ve found it very helpful to talk with others in the same situation .

To JaneNJ - There is evidence showing that a Holocaust background history can affect future generations psychologically, so I think you might explore that possibility depression-wise. My son-in-law's mum had a Kindertransport history, and could never bear even the tiniest separation from family/friends.

Hmmm. I think...you will always miss her. Some parents are better at ‘moving on’ I have a friend who said ‘nope, they’ve grown up now, sure it’s lovely to see them, it it’s my life again now’ and maybe that’s lucky. I’m in close contact with mine, but I still miss them, that closeness, the things we did. I know those times are gone and that they have to be. I’d hate for their sakes for us to be so close that eventual sundering isn’t too painful to bear. Your love is so strong, and isn’t it lucky we’ve both had such wo percent derful closeness to miss? All you can do, I think, with anything like this is to live well, for both of you. Arrange a regular video call slot, plan ahead for a special visit, and do new things of your own that you can tell her about. ‘Hey, I learned to fly/knit/paint/hike...whatever it might be so you can both share new things. Sympathies. x