Partner puts his 30 year old son before me

From his point of view it appears you are part of his life not all of it.

I am surprised at 55 yrs old you are interested in a man at 70.

It seems you want him to put you before his family, I can't see this happening at all. He's set in his ways, as a lovely carry on with his family and why not.

Can't he just be a friend to you and you look to make other friends otherwise you'll be sitting at home waiting for the phone to ring.

Go out and get on with life

. if you were living together/married it may be different but you dont, so you are very much free agents. it looks like there may be a difference in the level of commitment you both want from this relationship

How can your friend be your partner? You dont live together and see each other occasionally as and when.
Surely you can see why your 70 year old friend feels that close contact with his family is an important part of his life.
You asked us for our thoughts-well I think you should except that a busy lady like yourself is always going to play second fiddle to your (Partner). Far better you give yourself the opportunity to meet someone else nearer your age .

I think that you have answered your own question by just asking us. Get out and let them get on with it. You've not wasted a year as it's experience. A man nearer your age who values you for who you are and tells you that they love you. I'd rather spent time on my own than waiting for the day when I'm their carer. Take care and enjoy life, we only get one chance!!!

He hasn't told you he loves you and you've been together a year??
Find someone that tells you.

Further thought...I believe and have seen a number of age gap relationships that work fantastically well. However, personally I feel that for me it would be more likely when the gap is nearer to 5-7 years.

Think about your relationship - is there passion as well as love? Passion makes couples want to be together all the time initially. If either of you do not feel this, then the relationship is not that strong. You may feel that he is a lovely person, but where is the love? I hope you will have the happiness you seek.

I know I commented earlier in this thread but something else has occurred to me; Could this man be stringing Grandma100 along to ensue he has a carer in the future? His father is very elderly, daughter lives away and the son..........well, he might fly the nest one day!

When you are 70 it's likely you may become his carer..?
Neither of you sound really ready for this relationship. Maybe someone of 50 or 55 might suit you better..?

His family are his life grandma100 you are a pleasant and lovely extension but unfortunately for you you aren’t the centre and his actions make that quite clear
You have different goals he sees you as adding to his happy old age you see him as a future exclusive marriage partner
These two ideas both perfectly valid are NOT going to meet so as an outsider looking in I think your expectations of this relationship are always going to disappoint you
Yes his father will die and his son may follow the daughter and leave home but are you prepared to sit on the sidelines until these things happen watching your life pass you by
You are still a young lady (I have children nearly your age) this isn’t going to change any time soon you can see how happy he his with his family around him and you can clearly see his priorities I would considering moving on if you want a full on relationship/marriage with you as his exclusive love

I, like him are in my 70 s and if I had my Dad (or mum) still alive and one of my children (happily) living with me I wouldn’t change that for anyone it would be the most blissful end to my innings

You have very mismatched expectations

Would you really not want to see your child who was coming in from another country over a weekend? You would skip that visit because of a boyfriend’s birthday?

I think you have incompatibles goals and priorities.
to the person who said he should not put his life on hold to suit his family, this is cock-eyed. they are his life. that's how it is, and your barely disguised criticism of him for that is not going to get you anywhere.
you live your life differently, that's all.
there is nothing unhealthy in his family relationships.
you will never persuade him to your way of thinking. there is a sort of passive aggressive tone in suggesting unhealthy, like mock concern.
what you really mean is that you disapprove, that he is not treating you right, and he ought to change.
sorry to be blunt, but your dissatisfaction will only grow.

I think it’s perfectly normal for him to carry on with his way of life with his son and would see it as being part of the loyal family man he obviously is and find your own things to do at these times and when you get back together you’ll enjoy each other’s company even more.

I was in a relationship for 15 years where I was never number 1 I came after his parents/ his kids /his grandchildren it was never our time The day he took his ex wifes sisters part over me that was it Coincidentally there was a similar age gap I am now married (with an even bigger age gap) but I /we take priority over everyone else I wasted 15 years don't do that

I think you need to just ask him how he feels. Ask him where he sees you two in a few years. Express your desire for alone time, but his family wins out. Partners come and go, but family? A GOOD family? That's forever if you nourish it. It sounds like he has his priorities in order. If you had the same relationship with your own family, you'd understand. I wouldn't make him choose. Just carve out some time for eachother by simply asking. But his dad? He's definitely got to see that man regularly.

Imo once there are children, a subsequent partner will never be head of the queue. Actually once there are children, the spouse/parent of these children will never be head of the queue.

I am sensing that much is not as you would wish it in this relationship.
Are you prepared to compromise?
Is he?
How long has he lived alone (divorced or widowed?) Is he too set in his ways to have enough space in his life for you? Or are you going to have to be the one who accommodates him.
I think you need to have a hard look at what you are putting onto this relationship and what you are getting out of it.
Perhaps you can’t face getting old on your own?
There is so much to consider and I think I am sensing reservations.
An honest discussion is clearly on the cards.

Thanks for all the messages. I think a year is quite a long time these days in a relationship. He tells people we are partners so that is what I believe. However I must admit he has never told me he loves me, but shows it in many ways.
Surely when you meet someone the possibility is that you may end up marrying in the future, so your husband or wife is the priority. Kids make their own lives and move on. Parents pass away. I have looked after my mother who had dementia for 8 years and now my father, but my ex husband always came first, as did I until things turned bad. I understand he has children as do I and a father. I see mine nearly every day. But I put him first as I am trying to build a relationship. I make him feel special. But I do not feel the same. Some have advised me to get on with my life and thank you for all your advice I will get on with it as I need to start living again.

He sounds the sort of man that I would value. Is he supposed to put his family on the back burner until you both decide whether you have a future together? I understand it might be irritating for you but I take my hat off too him especially where his 96 year old father is concerned. I think he has more to worry about his father's life running away than with yours!

Of course I do not want him to spend time with his daughter when she visits, however she may have other plans anyway. But he is making himself available in case she is spending time here, she has her mother to visit and a wedding to attend. I do think he should find out before telling me that we cannot go away on my birthday. They are adults not children. I love my kids dearly and my grandchildren and my father who I look after too. But he is my partner and once kids and parents have gone that is what we have left. My children do not put me first and I would not expect them to, they have their husbands and wives. But I am always there for them if needed.

I think you are entitled to call him your partner, regardless of the fact that you don't live together. You appear to be in a committed relationship and a lot of older couples do not live together these days. That does not reduce the importance or relevance of their relationship, in my opinion. If I were you, I'd just see how it goes over the next few months but I would want to feel number one. His son is a grown adult who should be beginning to stand on his own two feet. I have children (20 and 21) but I am fully aware that they will want to lead their own lives and although I will be there for them I won't be putting my life on hold to suit them and I don't think your man should either. Maybe a chat with him to gently tell him that you feel "pushed out" when his son is around may help. He may not even realise that it's an issue for you.
On a secondary note, it is quite a big age gap and if I were you I don't think I'd want to live with him or you could end up being an unpaid carer. Enjoy the relationship as it is and see how it goes. Good luck.

I’m on my second marriage of nearly 15 years, the first was 30 years. My 28 yr old son will always come before my new husband. That’s just the way it is.

I want him to feel a little possessife

Be careful what you wish for.
There are threads about possessive partners causing problems.

Of course he puts his family first. Do you want to ruin the relationship between him, his father and son? It sounds a happy family thing.
You live separately . Why on earth would he curtail his life for you he enjoys it!
You say you want him to be more possessive of you. Do you really mean you want him to yourself minus his family?
I think you better find a lonely man with no family who wraps you up in cotton wool. You would be better suited.

My DH is 8years older than me. We have been married 11years , not first time for either of us, and both have grown up children. Rightly or wrongly I would put my children first although everyone has left the nest