Worry about my 30 yr old daughter

When children are heartbroken it’s so easy for us, their Parents to be heartbroken with them...but you know it’s really their life. Just as ours is. We aught to try and be more philosophical.
The difference these days seems to be, that we didn’t tell our Parents much detail. My children tell us everything and it’s not always great being so involved. I have often ended up with a sleepless night when one of them has off loaded on the me.
I have subsequently had my head bitten off when I enquired about a problem, told to me a week previously by “ Mother I don’t want to discuss it” I could retort “ why did you bloody well tell me then “ but as we love our children more than they love us...so I bite my tongue.
It can be painful being a Mum. Eh ! My motto has become ...get on with your own life and be supportive, but try not to suffer on their behalf. They can do their own suffering, as did we.

I think sometimes self-help groups can be just as good as counselling, which is so hit and miss, dependent on finding the right match.
MIND have some support groups.
also CoDA may be relevant.
good luck.
also try to big up her sense of self and adulthood by occasionally asking for her help, with matters of judgment, opinion etc, as it is easy to slip into unconsciously undermining her own ability to cope by rescuing, babying.

My heart goes out to you. I love that quote that I had never seen before this thread "you are only as happy as your unhappiest child ". How true it is. How we long to be able to make it better for them and to take their pain away. Tragically, we cannot. I hate it when people say to me "just be there for them". It sounds so trite and easy and just not enough. But I know that it is all we can do. Keep your eye on her. Encourage her to see her doctor and seek counselling if she seems to be sinking into depression. Try not to nag or criticise past choices. And just tell her that you love her and, (you see I am saying it myself) are always there for her. And , don't forget, we are always here for you. Xx

My daughter was in a relationship for 13 years. He was the love of her life and when he cheated on her she was heartbroken. I just had to sit and wait, listen on the phone, mop up the tears , help her buy him out of the house they shared so she could stay put in the home she still loves. She is 39 soon and has not met anyone else although she has had a few dates. However, she is stronger, tougher and more together now.
You just have to enable your children to find a way through and I must admit that counselling was a godsend. Also, if your daughter has good friends then they will be supportive as she will tell them what she doesn’t tell you. We have to be mum not always best friend.
My advice is to let her know you are always there for whatever happens . It will get better and I am a great believer in fate!!

I had the same worry with my daughter.She had several boyfriends ,but the relationships always ended ,for various reasons.She was 33 before she met’ the one’ ,connected with work. He is a few years younger than her,but they have now been married for 11 years at the end of this week.and have two children.
Don’t give up hope . The heartbreak is awful, but ,as they say, you never know what’s ’ just around the corner. Hope she finds happiness again soon.

You say she’s had several past relationships that have all ended in tears mostly due to her anxiety and worry, hopefully she is getting some help for this, or it could be ongoing, you say she never seems to learn but I’m not sure she can help it, talking to MIND could well help

Geordiel - you've identified that your daughter's anxiety seems to be the cause of her broken relationships. She may come over as 'too high maintenance' and her partners end up running away. Anxiety may be generalised and there are ways to help deal with this so the first step would be to suggest she see a counsellor specialising in CBT because this person will be able to get to the root cause of her anxiety which will always be a fear of something or other, and then work with her to change her negative thoughts.

All you can do is support her without giving any comment on what DD should do. As an adult she has to work her way through all the whys and wherefores.

You mentioned this and previous romances failed due to her anxiety and worrying but do you know what this is about or is it the vicious circle that she finds someone, worries about what happened last time and finds herself worrying if the same is going to happen again?

I haven't time to read all the messages but it seems that you don't really understand anxiety if you speak about her "never seeming to learn."
I have a daughter who is the same and I can see the impact on her relationships but it is pretty pointless me saying that she needs to stop being anxious. I do try to get her help when I notice an opportunity, I do try to be supportive of her husband and to try to put things in context for him but appreciate how difficult, overwhelming and wearing it can be for him. Whilst he needs to be sensitive to her needs, I have suggested that he asks himself, "Would this be a reasonable thing for me to do in a relationship where there was no anxiety?" because pandering to anxiety can make it worse. Helping my daughter to cope, as he lives a life which is as normal as possible, is best achieved from kind support which means taking baby steps to overcome the anxiety. Sometimes this is possible, sometimes not and it takes a lot of understanding to know when those moments are.
I found speaking to MIND very helpful when I was struggling with DD's anxiety, it might help you too.

When my young DD's husband died she seemed to not want me around, and nothing I could do or say was right. So I had to "just be there", even though it broke my heart to see her suffer. Now though, more than three years down the line, she has begun to soften and let me in and we seem to have a stronger bond. So my advice, for what it's worth, is just to "be there". She's grieving, and will turn to you when she's ready. ?

You can do nothing except mop up the tears.

Anxiety and worrying can be a mental health issue. There are conditions that can lead the sufferer to sabotage relationships even though they don't mean to. Does she need to see a GP? It's the only way to know for sure.

Please encourage her to get some counselling. The local counselling colleges will have inexpensive services, and if she doesn’t get a helpful one ask for a different one. Even if it’s a student they are all well supervised. A UKCP student is being well trained. Some of them are brilliant. I’m so sad to hear this and it can be simply some unresolved experience quickly dealt with. The past echoes through some people’s lives in a Sometimes tragic way. My friend for example lost his father in the war at age 6. Never dealt with it. Was married and when his daughter was age 6 his wife left him. To this day she’s not sure why tbh. I was the only one not surprised because he will never talk about that loss of his father. I’ve been in the business 27 years and seen so many people released from these painful patterns.

I love the earlier comment of
“She is just finding out what she doesn’t want”.
My eldest daughter went through the same. My approach was to listen but not to join her in her ‘woe is me’ chest beating.
I was there when she burst into our lounge in tears, I listened, I shared her memories, her anger etc and provided the hot chocolate or something stronger but focused more attention on the dusting herself off and the ‘what now’ of the conversation.
How hard it is for them but almost just as hard for parents. She is now married with two gorgeous stepsons.
And now I also have my youngest daughter who is 35, single with a lovely 4 year old.

As the quote reminds us...

“A mother is only as happy as her unhappiest child.”

Finding causes and reasons for worries/ anxieties that dominate a persons life is not easy and I recommend your daughter obtains professional help.Many feel they can handle these emotions on their own which in the end all it achieves is pushing them deeper and deeper into the situation they need to escape from.Do you have a good relationship with your daughter? can she turn to you when needed? if so then why not suggest she obtain help in escaping from the fears and anxieties which appear to be dominating her life.

It reminds me of my eldest DD who throughout her 20s had boyfriends but she was always more invested in the relationships then they were
So the relationships never lasted and she was very upset. When she was 30 she remet the son of a friend of mine and they hit it off and have been happily married for almost 24 years with 2 lovely DSs. Of all my DC I would say her marriage is the happiest. We can't live their lives for them but just be there with a hug when things go wrong.

I didn't have any of this with my own children/ adult offspring, but one GD has more than made up for that ! Although sad in parts her life has been one big worry for the family and continues to be so.

Even in her 37th year there doesn't seem to be any sense coming forthwith as regards partners.
I'm slowly learning to block out a lot which has gone on-----"to make room for that which is presently ongoing" ( rolls eyes )

Arms length is my motto at times like this, though because there are children too, I'm here for them if needed so still have to remain on the ball. It's tough going.

Just be there
Mine had the serious breakup
Was severely depressed
Literally
Just carry on being mum
She is now happy confident successful
Without a partner and happy in herself

Don't tell her she never learns!
I've made too many mistakes with saying the wrong thing instead of being supportive & it's cost me my son, daughter and grandson

I’m with dragonfly on this. Almost exactly the same scenario with our eldest daughter. Then 7y ago at the age of 35y she met the most fantastic, kind and gentle guy. Together and SO happy now.

I honestly think it’s true - mums can only be as happy as their unhappiest child.

She’s young yet OP although she won’t see it that way. Comparing oneself to others doesn’t bring happiness either. Which is hard when unhappy.

Tell her to stop looking.

Love will find her. Truly. x

@geordie1 you never said, was the relationship break up her fault, His fault or a mixture of both? Think back did your relationships always go smoothly?
By the sound of your name you're a geordie, I bet by the weekend she's oot on the toon making new memories

Put your right hand on your left shoulder
Put your left hand on your right shoulder
Now squeeze real tight
You just had a Virtual Hug from Me.

Maybe her string of failed relationships is a sign she is not managing her life as well as she could . Can she he afford the cost of a psychologist?

If her worry and anxiety are destroying her relationships then it might be wise for her to address this. Otherwise the pattern will repeat itself. Could she a counsellor as a starting point?

Perhaps when she is over the worst, some counselling may help, to both adress her constant worrying and anxiety and, possible, look at her relationships and why they fail. Does she choose the wrong type of men for her or what?

I can remember one friend who ploughed into marriage after marriage, three in all, with totally unsuitable women (for him), all very nearly identical in looks and personality. Each marriage would reach 5 years and crumble. He had begun to realise that he was getting something wrong, when sadly, he died prematurely.