Can’t say the right thing to my daughter!

We just had this conversation this morning . Our 2 adult children just put us down or criticise whatever we are doing , for having interests? My daughter smirks at some of the conversations I start ? As if I am a person she wants to cross off her list . It is so hurtful.I was the eldest daughter and helped a lot when I was young and always wanted to spoil my parents and do things for them. Have them to stay when we married and lived far away .Ours don t want to know . I asked them over for supper ? Only happened a few times and were too busy etc the years after .When I broke my arm they said , in a phone call , let me know if you need anything and then didnt come visit anytime . I say where did we go wrong ? But my DH says it s not our fault , it s the way it is for some . Just glad to see someone else with this constant dilemma of walking on eggshells and desparate not to be cut off from our grandchildren which is a real concern as already we have few visits from them ( GC love us and are great fun ) and if there is a visit an hour seems to be the most we are allowed . Hey ho .

Try praise instead, tell her what she is doing well, when she comes to you with struggles, tell her what she is doing great at so that she feels bolstered that she can achieve her other goals x

Good advice Yennifer Everyone likes to hear positives!

I know how you feel Grammaretto; they can weaponise the DGC, which I think is a really mean trick. Many times have I had to toe the line to keep family harmony. The good thing is now my DGC are growing up. The two I have most contact with are 15 and 18. I text and call them and we are acquiring a relationship bypassing the parents. Good luck.

I do too jolbrook but DD is more than likely to whisk the DGC away with her when she storms off and I'm left not knowing what hit me.

Zip it ladies. They are not really interested in your opinions (well my daughter isn't - or son) so these days I act like Brer Rabbit. Lie low and say nothing. I find my grandchldren more fun, to be honest!

One of my daughters works, studies for a degree, has three children and is learning to play the piano - yet she socialises a lot and is the main 'chief cook and bottle washer' at home.

She finds time to visit me frequently too. I'm just in awe and have absolutely no idea how she does it all. She never eats breakfast so arrives here 'starving'!

Try praise instead, tell her what she is doing well, when she comes to you with struggles, tell her what she is doing great at so that she feels bolstered that she can achieve her other goals x

My daughter is a PITA frankly. During shark week, even her son is scared of her. Just as well Gaga doesn't have hormones anymore. I can always be counted on for a cuddle (when I'm there).

One of my daughters frequently seeks my opinions on things, and we have a really easy relationship. I tell her that her life is chaotic and she tries to fit too much in, and she agrees! We have never fallen out, or had words.

The other one, I would never dare to say a word, if she does ask what I think about something, I’m always vague because I know at some point it will come back to haunt me!

I don’t know how two girls raised the same, can be so different.

My DD waits for her huff to arrive and then goes off in it. I thought that was par for the course with daughters. Sorry to be no help whatsoever. Sons are different.

My DD is just the same so I have learned, taken me 40 years, to not say anything which can be misconstrued.
If I cannot agree with her I say nothing.
My DH says I am too close to my DD.
Funnily enough my son just shrugs things off.

Bless em

Think I'm glad I don't have a daughter.

I can relate to that KatyK one daughter is quite critical of everything the other much more easy going. Why do they find it hilarious to bring all my past mistakes ( and there are many) into a conversation.

My DD was looking for something to eat in our fridge a while back. I said 'I must clean that fridge out'. She said 'God, you're always moanimg' Maybe I am. I don't think on this occasion I was!

I understand all too well. It’s hard isn’t it? We want only the best for our family and we do whatever we can to help, both practically and financially, yet whatever we say in love and caring, and wanting to help is often taken as criticism.
I say nothing now or so I think, I watch every word, my feet are sore with walking on eggshells, and if I write a simple email it takes me ages to ‘ edit and perfect’ so nothing can be misunderstood.
As a young mum My parents did no babysitting or childcare, there was no expectation of any financial help, this was general to most families.
We saved for what we needed or went without, but I still took great care not to upset my mum in any way, that may not have been right but the pendulum seems to have swung completely the opposite way.

Thanks Oopsadaidy3 sounds just like my situation and good advice. I do try to do the same ...... but sometimes it’s not easy! Suppose I must try harder!

She sounds just like my DD1, stressed, not eating, racing around all day, juggling life, however, I’m often being told that she doesn’t want my advice, she just wants me to listen, she is unable to change anything at the moment and wants a sympathetic ear until she can work things out.

She too, takes any advice as a criticism, so I don’t offer it anymore unless I’m asked.

What’s the phrase? My tongue is sore with words left unsaid........

I’m always telling my children how proud I am of them. My daughter works full time, has a husband, two children, is trying to set up an online business and doesn’t eat well. She’s just doing too much and not succeeding at anything really. I try to help as much as I can without getting in the way. She say she’s so stressed but just seems blind to the fact that she needs to slow down and concentrate on the everyday things.

We are all very sensitive to any (even perceived) criticism from our mothers. I tell my daughters how proud I am of them - and how much I love and admire them too!

and how you voice them?

Tone is as important as content.

I suppose it depends on what your concerns are, and how often you voice them?