Can’t say the right thing to my daughter!

Both my AC think they can speak to me how they like - often patronisingly, often condescendingly or even contemptuously. I much prefer my one and only grandson to either of them most of the time as he is a sweet gentle lad in his early teens. But, when my DD is fed up with me, she tries to turn him against me. It hurts. Honestly, I'd rather live with my DGS than either of my AC who are both, in my opinion, too much like their father (my ex). They both exhibit traits which I disliked in him. We are all different. He could probably write a post about me.

Hetty58
I feel you. So sorry. Nothing can make them happy, uh?

My mother, before cut off, in her last visit to the US to see me, criticized my apartment as it wasn't luxurious or in the area she would prefer for me.
Nothing wrong with my apartment, in fact there was a huge waiting list to live in my building

She suggested instead an apartment and area that would cost $3000 to $5000 of rent monthly.

That was her last visit.

My mother was germ phobic with OCD. I stayed up nearly all night cleaning when she was due to visit the next day.

I dusted everywhere, scrubbed the kitchen, bathroom and floors, put out fresh towels and tea towels etc. Result? I got 'You never clean the glass doors on that bookcase, do you?

For some people, the action taken by somebody else are not right.
The issue comes when that person expresses their opinions of disagreement and depending on the voice tone, body language, personalities involved, it may be perceived as criticism

I learned very young in life that decisions and goals I wanted to carry out were perceived as failures by my parents. I would never be successful blah blah blah

My career choice would isolate me from society (IT) and I would never marry as I wasn't thin enough/pretty enough/ dressed well enough

I persevered and worked on my career goals, looking after my health (NOT weight), was very lucky to find a person who loves me for whom I am.

My goals were right for me. It was very stressful to reach them and it paid off big time.

Stress is sometimes the short term price to pay to achieve something on life.
We do not need to sell ourselves short to avoid stress.

The OP doesn't give us enough information for feedback. A
So in general, support your dd. Telling her she should be doing something else can be heard as "I do not approve of what you do and why dont you listen to me"

Thinking back, I never welcomed any advice/criticism from my mother. She somehow made me feel like a failure.

Acceptance and a little praise where due would have been so lovely. Luckily, I got that from my father.

^ Suppose I must try harder!

Must you? Perhaps that is the root of the problem. You might be trying too hard. I don't have a daughter, but obviously I was one once and I used to get irritated if my mum implied that I was falling short. She eventually gave up trying.

Well done you GabriellaG54 unfortunately we are not all made of such stern stuff and need help from time to time.

Gramaj it's better to choose your battles don't express concern for the small things. I try to go with the flow as much as I can then it all just erupts then I have to say something helpful.

That's a lovely, civilised response Loulelady and definitely something to aspire to.
Unfortunately what happens in reality is that all the old resentments come bubbling up as soon as they are triggered so it can be hard to reset the relationship.

GramaJ

It's sad to read about all these tricky mother/ daughter relationships, - although perhaps is reassuring to those mothers of sons on here who feel they get a raw deal from their DILs!

I think sometimes one or both parties fail to fully make the transition from the dependent, growing adult/ child dynamic, to one of adult affection and respect.

I don't have grandchildren yet, hopefully they are on the horizon, but I do have adult children. It helps me to think about the relationships I have with very good friends and how we treat each other. We share news, chat about things of mutual interest, we sympathise and celebrate successes and joys, but I'd be unpopular if I walked in and expressed concern about the washing pile, or the fact that one of the children spends hours playing computer games. Similarly if I moaned about not having enough time in the day and being shattered with broken nights due to my adult daughter with SEN being wakeful, a friend would sympathise, she wouldn't see it as a problem to be solved. She would only make suggestions if I asked for them. Funnily this thing of seeing problems or complaints as something to be solved is something I have heard women complain about in relation to their husbands, - that they can't vent about work or the children, without their husband suggesting ways they could "do it better" which they found annoying, they wanted empathy and support, not correction.
If you haven't ever really cut the apron strings, every time you express concerns, your daughter hears criticism and the voice of authority and bridles, - and you in turn feel rejection. It's a vicious circle. You are "only trying to help" the cry of mothers down the ages in response to the gruffness and eye-rolls of their ungrateful children and children in-law.

From your post, we can't tell which of you is being unreasonable, but I think the advice is the same irrespective. It is most likely that you are still trying to manage her a bit, and she is still reacting like the adolescent she was a few years ago and you both need a chance to reset the relationship.

Stop giving voice to your concerns, since this isn't going down well. Enjoy and respect your daughter's company and time as you would a close friend. Don't make comment as to your decision to do that, - it undoes any good work - "Well I'm not going to say a word! I'll just keep my mouth shut from now on..." Just make an internal decision to give your daughter a bit more space, and when you do see her, treat her as an interesting and beloved peer.

I remember whenever my maternal grandma came to stay, there would be at least one row and tears from my mother because grandma would speak out about mum "making a rod for her own back" because she hated seeing my mum work so hard (in the house) and couldn't understand why she had coal fires she cleaned when she had central heating etc.

Your daughter almost certainly loves you, she just finds you annoying at the moment, - quite possibly unfairly. It doesn't sound terminal yet though. I hope it gets better. Relationships do often ebb and flow, you may find this as the years pass.

Sometimes my DD would ask for my advice or opinion, but never liked the answer, so what did she hope to achieve? May be she wanted me to lie or continually say I did not know.

You watch them make mistakes and they watch you make mistakes - having 25/30-odd years on them doesn’t make you the oracle. The best thing to do is not to offer advice unless it’s specifically asked for, repeat ‘you’re doing a fantastic job’ at regular intervals and let them get on with it.

It’s not just daughters, sons as well, you watch them making mistakes and doing the wrong thing. It really is best not to comment and just get on with your own life, hard as it is to do that.

They are adults they’ve made their bed, let them lie in it.

Why do people expect not to have to walk on eggshells, as the saying goes, with regard to their offspring? If you think about your relationships with other adults, adults unrelated to you, I think you'll find those are pretty eggshelly too. It's just adult carefulness. I think some parents never grow out of the mummy/child relationship. They continue to see their offspring as in some way 'needing' their parental input. And, naturally, the adult 'kids' resent it.

Here's an example: when I had been living independently of my parents for a quarter of a century, my mother still couldn't apparently stop herself from wondering out loud about my way of chopping mushrooms! She never prepared mushrooms herself.
It's trivial by itself but if there's something like this every bloody time your mum visits I can see it would sour a relationship.

That was plain rudeness in her part Nemo.

I have tried to zip it as I am constantly treading on eggshells. I used to drive 50 miles to see her only to been treated with contempt, watch her on her pc, phone etc., not daring to interrupt.

The last time I went she said if I was bored I should have bought a book to read. We have not visited for almost a year!

GramaJ a couple of rather harsh and unhelpful comments. Some ‘children’ arc not mature enough to enter into an adult relationship with their parents. Some parents never want to let their children go.

The mother-daughter bond can be especially hard.

Many books have been written about this so you are not alone.

You might want to stand back and look at the situation from the outside and see what you want from this relationship and how best to achieve it. Perhaps adjust your own behaviour so your daughter doesn’t feel criticised. Some people cannot take any kind of, what they see, as criticism even when it when that was not intended.

Do you have other children I wonder and how do you get on with them?

^ Zip it ladies. They are not really interested in your opinions^

Well said, jolbrook.

Grown women want to run their own lives. They’ve let go of their mothers' apron strings. Mothers need to take the aprons right off.

Well, milk it for as long as you can then.

DD has been a lot nicer to us since lockdown. I think she's realised she may lose us.

I think that's a cause of a lot of stress.
We've forgotten how to just "be".

I really don't know why daughters 'deserve' praise for doing what they chose to do.
I brought up 5 children and studied for a law degree without 'stress' or going off at the deep end/needing or expecting praise.
If you or your children are stressed out juggling job and children, it's time to remove some of the stressors by changing job to something less stressful and delegating some jobs to children. Maybe get more organised.
Women have worked for a long time past but lately the numbers who are 'busy busy', have no time and are anxious and stressed, seem to have exploded.
I wonder why?

"She say she’s so stressed but just seems blind to the fact that she needs to slow down and concentrate on the everyday things."

Op,
It is not up to you to set her objectives in life or what she needs to do (slow down and concentrate on everyday things)

She has goals in life. It takes a lot sometimes to achieve them.

Yennifer had the best suggestion of praising her. Even "how can I help?" will show her your support without judging her choices.

I had all the same sort of thing. I did a load of babysitting and housework while babysitting. I provided for them long after I was obliged to. I was the one sibling who looked after the olds in my family, my own mum having done the same before me and I thought that they would show them about family caring values. I also worked, didn't put up with the sponging husband for long. I bought my own houses and cars without any financial contribution from the dear father.
When they got to 14 and started periods they just seemed to turn feral. Nothing was ever right for them or good enough. They took up with lads that they shouldn't have and landed pregnant just as you would expect. I made no criticism of their choices or actions.
I eventually realised that I was doing what everyone else wanted and doing nothing for me. Worse than that I could never get a kindly word from them. Even when I was injured and another time when I was ill I got nothing from them.
I walked away and have not said a word to anyone and my health is improving and I am happier despite the lockdown. Why should we let people treat us so badly? It is worse that they are our own children

Hard to advise without knowing what has been said. Sometimes mums ARE guilty of criticising. Sometimes it is warranted sometimes not. Depends what you are talking about GramaJ?

Grammaretto my DD has not been in the huff since she was a teenager . She is caring thoughful and kind .