Step-daughters taking my DH out without me

@craftergran

That is envy and that is control. I realise she is hurt.

Let it go and be glad she is alive, and not the poor mother who passed on and missed the girls mothers days from then onwards.

She does have her own kids to celebrate HER day.

Why does she insist on making them choose her?

I hardly think she is showing envy or control, more hurt, however I would agree she might learn to enjoy more time without her husband his adult daughters.

As the children's mother has passed, I think this mothers day ought to be celebrated for the dead mother if her girls wish it.

Let go of all envy and control and embrace the day without the husband. If you can't change the world - change yourself.

Also it does sound like she has had 25 yrs of mothers days already.

I agree the step-mother is not their mother. From her point of view she has spent 25 years creating a family-type environment for her husband's daughters and very likely sacrificing things in a motherly type way for her husband's daughters. And it likely hurts that she feels excluded.

It would have been better for her if she had insisted that her husband spent some alone time with his daughter's on a regular basis. Perhaps he was reluctant to do so.

Quite often the parent wants the step to fill the role of mother/father. Which is wrong of them. As so many have stated she will never be their mother. Likewise he will never be the father of her children. It is her husband who has hurt them not his children, nor his wife. He's happily not spent alone time with his children up until recently.

Going forward Op might want to promote regular alone time between husband and daughters and herself and her children. The reality is they ARE two families.

Their mother is their mother no matter how long she's gone.

I re-read the original post, quoted above, and I agree; whether deliberate or not, the action of the daughters is divisive,very pointedly separating the husband and wife from each other, and both from their step- families.
I suddenly feel like we are 2 families again, not one
It seems strange that these women have suddenly started doing this. No one is suggesting that the step-mother is replacing their real mother, but as she has been part of this family for twenty-five years, it does seem discourteous.

Notanan I was making a general observation, which is allowed. Every year at this time there’ll be at least one thread on GN on the subject of Mother’s Day, with someone upset over some aspect of it. Either their ACs haven’t met their expectations or they’re feeling sad because their own mother fell short of theirs. Umbrage is taken on the OP’s behalf, which probably makes the OP feel worse, not better.

In this particular case, the OP herself recognised that it’s not about Mother’s Day per se:
Mother's Day is fine as I will make a plan to be with my boys and their families, but after all these years, I suddenly feel like we are 2 families again, not one
and yet numerous posters have turned it into a Mother’s Day ‘issue’.

Well the OPs step childtens version isnt about consumerism. They just want to spend time with the people who remember their mother being there and make some new memories with those people in her honour...

Perhaps it would be better if Mother’s Day was banned.
It’s a far cry from its origins as Mothering Sunday, which was a special Sunday for domestic servants to return to their homes and visit their mothers.
The modern version seems to cause more unhappiness and angst than it does joy and has descended to a mere commercial opportunity for supermarkets and pubs and restaurants to trade on people’s sense of obligation and possibly guilt.

@privilaged OP came into their lives when they were grown. They don’t see her as their mother . Why wouldn’t they want to celebrate their own mother on Mother’s Day with the person who knew their mother the best. OPs husband has nothing to do with OP celebrating mother ‘s Day. She is not the mother of any of his children. So why would he celebrate Mother’s Day with her. That is what her son’s are for

@JayLicy why wouldn’t they want to celebrate the memory of their mother with the one other person who knew her best? Op is not their mother.

@easybee I agree - they could choose a day like their mother's birthday which presumably is not a day special in any way to Mary52. She is someone who has, in her role as SM, cared for the girls. No she isn't their birth mother but equally, it doesn't seem like the day to shut her out. Maybe enquiring about her plans that day and coming to some mutually agreeable plan with her involved too would have felt better.

@ayokunmi1 what an unpleasant response. If Mary52 was so selfish she would not be agonising over her response and thinking of the feeling of others.

I'm wondering what has happened in previous years, since it seems this only a recent thing.

If it is, which is fine, it would be decent to let everyone know that new arrangements have been made.

eazybee

Here's the thing. These girls were practically grown up when OP married their father. She wasn't so much a mother as she was their father's wife. I do not see a problem at all with them taking a day to themselves to reminisce about their mother/wife together.

She's not their mother.
She wasnt even their step mother when they were growing up.

I'm sure you've heard the saying "you only get one mother " They have every right to spend that day with the only surviving parent they have to remember their mother.They were teens when their mum died only their dad can fill in the blanks for them .No matter how long the OP has been married to their dad she isn't and can never be their mother .

Because Mother's Day should be a family celebration of mother, and this activity will emphasise two halves to the family; the poster has done her best to 'mother' her step children for twenty-five years and that should be acknowledged.

It just appears rather pointed; any other day would do. Why not the girls' mother's birthday?

Why is it insensitive to plan it on mothers day?

My Dad would never go out just with me
He said it would hurt my stepmothers feelings
So sad as he died shortly after
Seemed very unfair to me
She was a very selfish woman as proved by her will !

I think we are far enough down this thread, for to say that I think this is a lot of fuss about nothing. It seems perfectly normal behaviour to me, for a widowed father and his children. To now and again have a bonding session when they they think and talk about the woman, who as well as being the first wife of the man in question is the one and only biological mother of the children who were in their late teens when their mother died.

I did not watch the programme about Rio Ferdinand and his wife adjusting to life, on his remarriage after being widowed, but I read in the paper of one part of it that mary52 might meditate upon. When RF's present wife moved in their were pictures of his first wife everywhere, very necessary, with three very young children who have lost their mother. Wife No 2 found this disconcerting, so husband and wife discussed the issue and it was agreed that one room would be devoted to all the photos of her, so the children had one room, in general use that kept their birth mother in their lives, while the family also built their new family unit as well. A classic example of a husband and wife dealing with a difficult problem with sensitivity and understanding on both sides.

I would let them get on with it, it is only one day. And I’m sure they’re not doing it to hurt and upset you. Family members can be very thoughtless and don’t realise how their actions affect other people.
I know from bitter experience that if you say something, you’ll be in the wrong and be accused of being jealous. And it won’t end well.
Enjoy your day with your children and don’t let them see it upsets you.

If I had been dead for 25 years, I would haunt the woman that kept my children and DHubby apart on (MY one and only planned) mother's day.

I’m curious why exactly it’s so insensitive to plan it on Mother’s Day?

I agree with RubyLou and Sara65 - it's very insensitive to plan this for Mother's Day. They are grown women and should be able to see this one would hope. However, saying anything would be difficult without upsetting a normally happy boat. This website is full of women who share your superpower (or try to) of biting your tongue to save the feelings of everyone else.? One would hope that your DH might see it too.....