Seeing someone out of a sense of duty

Yorksha, how very sad for you. You don't say whether you have contact with your other children, I do hope so. She told her siblings so they know where she is. The urge to ask after 20 years must be there, I wonder if they see her, does she get on with them, what was it about you that made her treat you the way she did, she sounds as if there was a lot of anger. You were very brave doing what you did, you couldn't go on being treated that way, there was no other way. How can anyone, let alone your own daughter get pleasure out of causing you pain. I would think it would always case you pain, but I hope that others give you joy, ?

Yorksha your post is so sad, please please don’t feel you were a failure, you certainly weren’t, you did everything possible and more, my heart goes out to you, and very sad to hear about your breakdown, yes sometimes you do have to put yourself first, I hope you have contact with your other children and they treat you with respect, hugs?

Aww, bless you Yorksha, that is so sad. We do our best, but can’t always control what our children turn out to be. I hope you still see your other children.?

Yorksha ((hugs))

That's an interesting observation Baloothefitz and as we don't know the actual relationship, it could be right. I feel it is a parent /child.
None of my friends have the power over me that a DC has.

I think it sounds like a birth child /mother situation, one is desperate to keep the link going ,but the other wants to break away. The AC is testing the birth mother to see if she will end the relationship first ..as when child was given up .

Initially you need to give people the benefit of the doubt.

Sometimes these people do not even know that their actions are hurtful or that they are mistreating you.

They may not be a bad person but they might lack the ability to see things from others’ point of view instinctively.

@sparkling.. This has happened to me, my daughter used to arrange to meet me, then humiliate me. I put up with it for a long time, we'd had problems when she lived at home, and for the safety of my youngest, she went to live with her grandmother. The guilt I felt was overwhelming, I was hoping it would bring about a sense of responsibility in her. Plus I was always in contact with her, but it was met with constant abuse, I ignored the abuse and my daughter would arrange to meet me. This resulted in my total humiliation, she degraded me in front of other people, yet accept my offer of coming back home for meals etc, only to play up in a really embarrassing way. To cut a long story short, I had a nervous breakdown, I couldnt cope with her gaslighting tactics, I lived I fear of her, then she'd change tactics and be all nice to me, to suddenly turn on me and say the most hurtful things. I'd send her cards presents and money, to try and keep her close. Then one day she announced she was moving, and didn't want me to know where to, her siblings knew. I still had her phone number, and she'd send me insulting text messages. I couldn't take it, I was heading for another break down, so I rang her ( although she didn't pick up) and I told her, via voicemail, that I was finally going to respect her wishes and let her go. I was tearful and heart broken, but I couldn't carry on like this any longer. Of course she told her siblings it was all my fault, along with other cruel remarks. But I couldnt cope with trying to prove myself worthy of her love, only to be abused and rejected over and over again. I became a nervous wreck and still feel like a failure. I haven't had any contact with my daughter for 20 years now. I have accepted it. But it still hurts me. So if its this contact with this person is hurting you, enough to make you poorly, then I suggest you let go, if they want to see you, they know where you are. Yes it hurts, but you will reach a point of acceptance. Sometimes you have to put you first.

What a horrible situation to be in Sparkling. Sorry but I agree with ybnb here. I’d be blunt, agree to meet for one last coffee, wait until it’s on the table and then say ‘this isn’t pleasant for either of us is it?’.

I don’t like confrontation but I’m no doormat either. And I wouldn’t be for anyone... even an adult child once they had made their choice so plain. Bluddy rude I’d say.

It could be that they run the relationship as they do because, at the moment, they enjoy seeing and hearing you suffer. if you hide how you feel and are as offhand as they are, you are sparing yourself the humiliation of rejection and the person you are meeting can not feel the power seeing your misery gives them

That’s a good point and worth considering

I agree with other posters. If it is a friend/ex-lover. Drop them.

If it is close family, keep the contact but lower your expectations and hopes. Just accept that this is the only contact you have at the moment, keep the conversation neutral and non-personal and seem to be as impersonal and offhand as the person you are meeting.

It could be that they run the relationship as they do because, at the moment, they enjoy seeing and hearing you suffer. if you hide how you feel and are as offhand as they are, you are sparing yourself the humiliation of rejection and the person you are meeting can not feel the power seeing your misery gives them.

I used to say I wouldn’t see anyone who made me feel bad, even children/ grandchildren. However, after a spell of no contact with one of my children, which lasted 16 months, I realised I couldn’t do it. We, as the parents, felt responsible. We brought them up after all. Any one else wouldn’t bother me. This life is too short.

i would move on .just let them fade away .not worth the effort of trying to hang onto them...

yes it is the most awful pain - to not have your love reciprocated. But we cant make people love us. In fact the more we try the more we repel. If it is adult child it seems so unkind and they will be feeling a lot of guilt and irritation and thinking you are asking too much at this time - the signal does seem to be a clear 'back off' . So what can you do? Well, I think the hints from the 'other' is that these regular meet ups are too much. They don't want to hurt you and so are making the occasions unpleasant so you will make the cut. You'll end up searching for clues and breadcrumbs which will make you seem more needy. If you can be jolly and positive (act it) say' I think you are great but would you prefer we don't meet up for coffee?' Ball firmly in their court. And see. Good luck. Try not to lay on the guilt motherly love can feel suffocating at times...and it will not be forever - just a bit.

I find it very hard to understand why someone would behave like this. I speak as someone who finds it very hard to make friends and no-one ever invites me out for coffee! Maybe you shouldn't take it quite so personally - it sounds much more to be about the friend, and not about you. She could be jealous of you. I'm reminded of something Bel Mooney (agony aunt and ex-wife of David Dimbleby) once wrote: 'Never throw anyone away.'

I think this is a child. You never stop loving your children but they do not have to love you.
I feel your pain Sparkling .

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sounds like my daughter. I had to end it to protect my own mental health. She lives too far away to be a monthly coffee. It was a two day visit, two or three times a year. I was stressed and depressed for two or three weeks after each one. Now we keep in touch by the occasional What’sApp message!

Cut free sparklimg

Yes, I’d say ‘bye, I’m off’ no time for people like that. Life is too short.

Sparkling it sounds so sad. But where’s the joy in someone seeing you out of a sense of duty rather than a genuine wish to be with you? But sometimes you do have areal connection with a person even if when you are together they annoy you and you wonder why you’ve bothered. Perhaps next time you meet you could tell them how you feel - that you don’t want to lose the connection because they/their family still have a place in your heart, but that you feel it has become a meaningless duty for them in which case it might be best to leave it. Maybe you have a place in their heart too, but these meetings are all they can do, however painful it may be.

Thank you everyone. It's funny you know what you do really but it's just making that decision that changes everything.

There has to be a previous chapter to this story.
Maybe this " we will meet up for coffee once a month" was an arrangement between yourselves but now it has gone stale.
This person is holding the ace card. Dictating the day and time of the meet up knowing you'll agree because they know you love them and want to see them again.
There's no conversation as such so I can't see the point in a meet up. Wasted time which results in you being upset.
I would say goodbye. The tides may turn sometime but for now be kind to yourself.
I hope you'll come back to us Sparkling.

Why not try and turn the tables. 'Do as you would be done by' etc. and become less available. Wait for them to txt/phone you to make arrangements. That way, you'll know where you stand. Not sure who the person is but yes, friends, lover etc ditch them as this is very bad behaviour. - family - a little different.

If you are talking of a boyfriend or lover, drop him and spare yourself pain later on.

If the person is a child or grandchild then that is rather different.

We could be of more help if we knew what the relationship is.