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Advice please young grandad dating

(19 Posts)
Shanavine Fri 15-May-20 10:40:43

Hi I'm 49 , my 24 yr old daughter and 3 yr old granddaughter live with me. I adore both of them.
However I have been seeing a separated lady with two teenage kids for the past year.
Every now and then a problem occurs where she feels that I am more of a parent then a grandparent.
She can't see a future for us even though I have offered to move in with her , she doesn't want that yet.
She feels my daughter cant cope without me, she has a very negative view of my daughter whom she never met.
Any advice please .

FlexibleFriend Fri 15-May-20 11:38:41

Why has she never met your daughter? Is that because you don't want her to or is she the one avoiding contact? I can't see she'll change her opinion without meeting your daughter. So doesn't sound like it's going anywhere to me. Would you seriously move in with someone your Daughter has never met and may not even like? Sorry but she sounds a bit weird, your daughter still lives with you and you are her dad, so what if your daughter made you a Grandad that doesn't alter the fact you are still her Dad.

vampirequeen Fri 15-May-20 11:42:44

I foresee a problem arising if she has a negative view of your daughter. Why does she feel that way? Does she resent her in some way? Is she jealous of the time you spend with her? I don't know why problems arise about you being a parent rather than a grandparent. Both DH and I are grandparents but we're still parents to our children.

I think you and she need to have a serious conversation. Maybe she's using your daughter as an excuse to prevent you moving in with her. How did she split with her ex? I was very nervous of letting DH move in with me because of my previous experience with ex.

Oopsadaisy3 Fri 15-May-20 11:56:21

Maybe she has a negative view of your daughter Because of things you are telling her?
Obviously you are both a father and a grandfather, I think though that it’s too soon after only 1 year to ask her if you could move in, she’s obviously wary, possibly also because of things you have told her about your family.
Now could be a good time to introduce the families on both sides and see how it works out, even if it’s from a 2 metre distance!

Davidhs Fri 15-May-20 12:00:25

Her problem is that she has teenaged kids as baggage if you move in having a man that is not their father will most likely increase the problems for her. Your daughter not coping is just an excuse to put you off, although it sounds as if she doesn’t like her - because of what you have told her!. As she is separated rather than divorced her husband is still on the scene, having another man living in can really complicate arrangements.

This is a situation you are going to have to tolerate, many women around that age have dependent children and don’t want a boyfriend messing up home life.

Toadinthehole Fri 15-May-20 12:16:21

I feel I need more information. Is your daughter’s mother still around? Why do your daughter and granddaughter live with you? Have you met the children of your partner? Although you’ve been together a year, which is a fair time, it may not be long enough in your circumstances. You sound a bit stuck, as if you both need a push into the next stage. I think you need to date a bit longer, and get more familiar with each other’s families before you start to think of living together. Your daughter is 24, so it really shouldn’t concern her what you do. The others are teenagers, so may be more difficult. Although there’s a big difference between 13 and 19. Only you know the history, and present problems. You shouldn’t be beholden to adult children, but they are entitled to be part of any decision making, because they all live with you both in your respective homes.

Shanavine Fri 15-May-20 15:03:28

Her daughter's are 16 and 19 both still in school.
Her negative view of my daughter comes from me.
Like I would complain she need to do more etc.
I don't charge her for staying and she thinks I'm giving her a freebie.
She thinks she should be independently living .
But my daughter hopes to start collage soon ,so that won't be possible.
My daughter's mum is a recovering alcoholic.

Oopsadaisy3 Fri 15-May-20 15:32:48

Start saying positive things about your daughter, your new lady only has had your complaints and moans to form an opinion of her.

Time to try to undo the problem that, sadly, you have caused.

SirChenjin Fri 15-May-20 16:24:39

If your DD is 24 and is starting college what has she been doing up until now? When you say she’s not doing enough, what does that mean, on a scale of 1-10? And if your DD needs somewhere to live why would you move in with your new GF? Would your DD be living rent free in your home while you weren’t there?

On the face of it your arrangement seems a bit chaotic and maybe she feels that her teenage daughters need a bit of stability without you moving in after a short space of time while your DD is causing trouble for you?

Shanavine Fri 15-May-20 17:03:34

Truthfully my daughter is a good girl.
Works part time, it is my choice not to charge her money .
She has never caused me any hassle.

Toadinthehole Fri 15-May-20 17:17:25

If your daughter is a ‘good girl’, why would you give your partner a “ negative view” of her. It all sounds a bit strange to me. I wouldn’t want you moving in either. I would worry that your daughter is too needy, and having a child could make her more so. I think you need to wait a while. Give each other the chance to gel together, which won’t be happening at the moment.

Toadinthehole Fri 15-May-20 17:18:12

For your families to gel I mean.

TrendyNannie6 Fri 15-May-20 17:33:50

Well your lady has obviously got reservations about your daughter and as you have told her things she’s made her own mind up hasn’t she, even though she hasn’t ever met her let alone knows her, I think if it was me to be seeing a man for a year, I would expect in that time to have met your daughter, especially if it was a serious relationship. Whether you charge your daughter money or not is ultimately your business, I think you need to have a discussion with your lady sounds as if you have a lot to sort out before you can move on with the relationship if there is going to be one

Davidhs Fri 15-May-20 18:16:40

The thread has picked up on your daughter and any problems there, I do feel that is not the reason preventing you moving in.
Far more likely it is your girlfriends relationship with her daughters, also with her husband - she is still married and hasn’t settled any divorce.

GagaJo Fri 15-May-20 18:23:42

You've done normal parental moaning about your daughter. I'm sure your gf does the same thing about her children unless she's one of those deluded parents that thinks their children are perfect. Which in itself is suspect.

Your gf is using your confiding in her as ammunition to keep you at arms length. However in the long run, she's probably done you a favour. Do you really want to live day in, day out with someone else's teenagers?

Shanavine Fri 15-May-20 18:38:43

Thanks guys good for thought

Shanavine Fri 15-May-20 18:38:56


Namsnanny Fri 15-May-20 18:52:09

To be honest, I think you have quite a nice set up from what you have said.

You can spend as much time together as each of your life styles allow, and leave the hassles of trying to make both house holds meld together to one side.

Obviously there is more to the story. Something is making you question things.

But as I say on the surface it looks like you could be happy taking baby steps into the future together.

Then when your responsibilities have flown the nest, you will be more independent and able to make different choices.

Shanavine Sat 23-May-20 22:48:19

Update it finished