This is going to be long so please bear with me. I am DESPERATE for some advice.
My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 months. When we met, he had just gotten out of a relationship with a woman who really abused him mentally and got him addicted to drugs. He used to refer to her as his one great love and was very much still in love with her during the first couple months we were together. I initially was just casually dating him with no expectations, but then of course I fell hard for him. A couple months in, he said he’d fallen in love with me too. I do believe that he is. He went to a 90 day inpatient rehab in December and we communicated through email and phone calls, and I really felt like we got to know each other and felt very secure in his feelings for me. Then he got out and due to some issues with his previous housing, moved in with me. That part is fine, I have no regrets, but after a week he became very distant. Little to no physical affection of any kind. Finally, about 2 weeks ago, something changed and now he hugs me and cuddles with me all the time. But there’s almost no sex. My previous relationship of 8.5 years was completely devoid of sex besides one month in the beginning. That man was also an addict. The lack of sex in that relationship was extremely traumatic to me. I felt worthless, ugly. I developed a severe anxiety problem and depression. I ultimately left that relationship because of these feelings. Now I feel I’m right back into the same relationship. I’ve talked to my boyfriend about it, tried to be as honest and forthright as possible but I don’t think he listens or even cares. He just says he has no desire for sex and just feels numb. Except when he thinks I’m asleep he masturbates right next to me. The few times I’ve tried to join in, he stops and rolls over and either pretends to sleep or does sleep. It is very very hard for me to try to initiate sex or to even talk about it. I have to spend hours preparing myself to even try. Rejection is so mentally traumatizing to me that I shut down and it takes days for me to feel normal. I’m at the point where if I even start feeling horny I get panic attacks. I can’t pleasure myself because I’m so distraught that I have a man who should want me but doesn’t. I have an extremely high sex drive so I’m horny all the time. I’ve suggested that he at least help me out but he won’t, he won’t even kiss me. It’s hard for me to even be near him anymore because I’m so sexually attracted to him. It’s causing serious issues in our relationship because I’m angry and sad all the time. I’m afraid I’m too fat, ugly, and boring for him. He’s told me many times how great sex with his ex was. I’m afraid he still wants her. He’s also told me he’s had sex with hundreds of women. I feel like all those women are better than me. I know he’s depressed and dealing with addiction recovery and I’m trying to understand but it’s so hard for me. I should leave the relationship but everything else is amazing and I want to fix this. I know I should be getting therapy but I can’t afford it. Anyways, if you’ve gotten this far, please give me some insight and what I can do to try to make things better. I can’t continue feeling like this.
