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Sister love ?

(24 Posts)
Notjustaprettyface Thu 02-Jul-20 19:35:30

I am not native of this country but have lived here a long time and I have always tried to keep in touch with my family abroad .
I have especially been close to my younger sister who still lives there , she and her husband and girls have been here and we have been there and we have always phoned each other at least once a week .
Recently , however , I have noticed that my sister is not so keen on me going to visit her . She blames it on her husband who doesn’t really like to have people staying with him , which is true to an extent as I never felt his welcome was that great , and also on the fact that her dog is ageing and things are not easy .
I understand that as I have had ageing dogs myself .
But where do we go from here ? It is a long way to go so I can’t just go for a weekend ( I was proposing to visit for a week ) and if we don’t see each other any more , surely the relationship will descend into indifference ?
What’s more , I feel hurt because I do enjoy going back to my country of origin .
So , what should I do ?
Should I not go because after all, who wants to go somewhere if they don’t feel welcome , which is what I feel , or should I go and put on a happy face ( she hasn’t exactly said I can’t go but has come up with a number of reasons’ why it would be difficult )
I really don’t know what to do , I am hurt and bewildered
I don’t know where things have gone wrong
Can anybody give me some pearls of wisdom please ?
Thank you

Chewbacca Thu 02-Jul-20 19:46:09

A nearby hotel, B&B, motel, boarding house, rental cottage or flat, for a week or whatever duration your stay is? You'd be close enough to visit and enjoy each other's country bit have the knde0endence to come and go as you wish. Best of all worlds!

Notjustaprettyface Thu 02-Jul-20 20:11:09

Thank you chewbacca yes that’s a possibility but of course there is the extra cost involved

Puzzler61 Thu 02-Jul-20 20:16:50

I think the same as Chewbacca.
I’d save my money and go when I could afford to Notjustaprettyface, stay somewhere independently and spend time just with my sister if her husband is not so welcoming.
It will take the pressure off the visit and you could do some really nice girly things together.
Keep the relationship going whatever - a sister’s love is very special. I wish you Luck whatever you decide to do. 🌷

Notjustaprettyface Thu 02-Jul-20 20:20:46

Thank you puzzler61

Chewbacca Thu 02-Jul-20 20:30:47

knde0endence ??? Independence!

avitorl Thu 02-Jul-20 20:38:16

Agree, definitely go but stay in an hotel,it can be very stressful having guests staying for a week but lovely if you can meet up in your home country without that stress spoiling things.

silverlining48 Thu 02-Jul-20 22:12:36

It occured to me that your brother in law may be nervous about Covid. It has been very bad here. Just a thought to throw in the mix.

OceanMama Thu 02-Jul-20 23:12:37

A week is a long time to have guests, especially if one member of the household isn't that keen. I would stay at a nearby hotel or other accommodation.

Notjustaprettyface Thu 02-Jul-20 23:17:49

Thank you ladies , you all seem to agree on suggesting I stay in a hotel but I am not sure I can afford that on top of the journey there and back and also , I would miss some of the evenings we had when we could chat etc

Eloethan Thu 02-Jul-20 23:30:41

I don't know where you come from so I don't know how expensive it is to get accommodation there. Are there self-catering flats at a reasonable price?

As you say your sister's seeming reluctance to invite you there is a recent thing, perhaps there is something going on in her life and at the moment that makes her feel she can't cope with visitors. Is it possible that someone is not feeling 100% (or, as someone else said, is worried about Covid) or that the family is under some sort of financial pressure? Do you feel you have a secure enough relationship to ask her if there is a problem?

It would be a real shame to risk losing touch as you say you have a close relationship. At least keep up the phone calls.

welbeck Thu 02-Jul-20 23:53:27

since this is your home country, do you have any other relatives or old friends with whom you could stay.
i wouldn't ask any direct questions to your sister; it could cause tension. respect her family privacy, don't enquire.
but try to keep in touch. can you do video-calls.

Sussexborn Fri 03-Jul-20 00:11:34

Have you checked Airbnb as they often have accommodation with kitchen, bathroom etc so you could invite your sister to visit you?

If her OH has never been keen on visitors it’s possibly become more entrenched with age and Covid.

I like having people to stay but probably not at the moment.

Sad that you feel rejected. Difficult times for everyone ad too much time to dwell on things.

Feelingmyage55 Fri 03-Jul-20 00:27:42

Would you be happy if your sister and family kept coming to stay with you so that you maintain your relationship? She could come without her DH sometimes perhaps. Due to the cost of accommodation when visiting your sister perhaps you could simply visit less frequently in order to afford a hotel Or rental.

Coolgran65 Fri 03-Jul-20 00:53:52

If you visit your sister and stay somewhere independently could your sister stay overnight with you on a few nights. This would give the opportunity for some evening girly chats. And perhaps have a much better time than with her unwelcoming husband hanging about.

Notjustaprettyface Fri 03-Jul-20 10:56:14

Thank you Eloethan yes I can ask her if there is a problem but I don’t think she will tell me necessarily
Because of her husbands attitude , there has been , occasionally , some unpleasantness , a few words said
Having said that , we have always managed to make up

Notjustaprettyface Fri 03-Jul-20 10:57:35

Thanks sussexborn
No it isn’t to do with Covid

Notjustaprettyface Fri 03-Jul-20 10:58:35

Thanks feelingmyage55 I have suggested she comes here on her own but she doesn’t want to do that either

MissAdventure Fri 03-Jul-20 11:00:42

Are you a little concerned about your sisters wellbeing?

JuneRose Fri 03-Jul-20 18:48:06

I think the advice to find a b&b or hotel very sensible for all the reasons given. You could maybe have an evening out with your sister for a meal or something to have some quality time. I don't like staying with family it's always a bit awks!

PamelaJ1 Fri 03-Jul-20 19:08:19

Do you go alone or do you take your family. How often do you go? If my husband had to put up with one of my Sisters and family on a fairly regular basis I think he’d get a bit fed up.

Self catering nearby would get my vote. We do that when we visit my mum. although she doesn’t need to, she makes up beds and makes food for us. It exhausts her. If you could possibly afford it then try it once and see how it goes.

Notjustaprettyface Fri 03-Jul-20 20:58:57

Thanks Pamelaj1 I usually go alone and I don’t go that often , the last time I went was March 2019 which is also why I don’t understand what is going on , it’s not as if I am overdoing it !

JuneRose Fri 03-Jul-20 22:26:54

It's probably the husband. If he's a bit controlling he could be making it difficult for her. She may be too proud to admit this to you. It's sad but best not to put pressure on her. I'd go for independent accommodation if you can afford it.

Peardrop50 Fri 03-Jul-20 22:46:00

I don't know if many people appreciate the cost of putting others up for a week. We did it quite often when we lived abroad and it certainly adds a good £100 to the weekly shop when a couple visit. We would buy more wine, fancy breakfasts, more variety than usual for buffet lunches and better quality meat for our evening meal. Some of our guests would treat us to a meal or two out but this didn't cover our extra costs. Add to this fuel to do the airport run and sightseeing
Since returning to the UK we tend to only have weekenders with their own car but even then a family of four can add £60 easily.
Not everyone can afford guests, I know we struggled at times.
Could be they're a bit short and perhaps your sister would appreciate a cash injection for the weekly shop.