Living together but separated?

OMG! Debutante, are we twins? Seriously every thing you said in your post resounds with me to a Tee. Dysfunctional family backgrounds, no romance, no sex (I'm too fat apparently) no intellectual conversation, no closeness or agreement on serious issues e.g political and no love anymore. Sad but after 47 years I've really had enough. We separated just 2 weeks ago but looking at our finances, we agreed that we couldn't really afford to buy a house each, I did a spreadsheet (Yeah, I know, I know) listing how we could realistically share our home. After 2 weeks, so far so good, but I'll wait and see eh? I just couldn't take the verbal abuse anymore and if, to be honest, I'm happier being on my own. PM me if you want?

@Debutante - it sounds as though you have a lot of thinking to do and some potentially difficult conversations to have with your husband. People on here have shared some relevant experiences and given sound advice. I would just say before making any drastic decisions or big jumps please explore as many of your options as possible. Try categorising things that are important to you and researching each - writing lists so you can see things in black & white. For example:

1A: What options do you have in continuing to share a home?
1B: Where might you live otherwise and how much would it cost?
1C: How would co-residency work? How would finances work? Chores? New relationships (this could be a BIG problems for either or both of you). Even having friends visit, especially mutual friends.
2A: Look at your current financial situation and how this could change
2B: If you did move out or rent are you entitled to any benefits? Or would you husband move out? If so, could either of you afford to stay in your current residence?
3A: Is it worth talking to your children? For all you know they may be more aware of the cracks in your relationship and be keen for each of their parents to be happy even if not together. They may also encourage you to use any monies/savings to sort your own lives out rather than see it as their inheritance - they may be more than happy to make their own way in life with their own resources.
4A: Are you currently working, or in good health enough to gain employment? If you are unwell would you be entitled to any relevant benefits or help?

For what it's worth, to answer the question at the close of your post....about 35+ years ago (before my current long-term relationship) I was sharing a 2-bed flat with my previous partner, we split up, I bought new bedroom furniture and moved into the 2nd bedroom. It didn't even last a month, probably a week or two ...he left. He had been in a higher paid job than me but couldn't afford the flat on his own so left me with that + his debts. I had my health back then so got a job that paid more than his and stayed put. I had to work a full-time job + 3 evenings a week + any weekend work, conferences, workshops etc I could pick up. It was bloody hard but rewarding, and I was so busy it stopped me from dwelling too much on the failed relationship. In hindsight I should've known sharing a small flat would be a nightmare and looking back makes me glad I made the choice to better myself, my income, my standard of living etc. My health these days would close those options to me so please look at all aspects and make the best choices you can now, while you can. Good luck whatever you decide to do - I wish you all the best for a happier future.

I lived separately from my ex whilst in the same house. We even divorced but we were able to split the house, I had the upstairs, he the downstairs and the children whilst nominally living upstairs with me, wandered between the two. The only room that we shared was the kitchen.

Splitting up was the right thing for us, we were much better as friends than as a couple, the only rule we had was no lovers in the house, purely for the benefit of the children.

I think that for it to work it has to be something that you both agree on, and you must decide on a framework of acceptable rules. If you can do that it's maybe one of the best ways to split from the childrens perspective. And if you split, you will need to think about the finances.

Goodness me, in a surreal moment there I thought you were writing about my first husband - our stories are so similar! I lasted 10 years and then left and lived happily ever after, and you could do the same ?

Debutante, it is also important that you don’t go too far in your planning before taking to your husband. You might be willing to try living separately/ together but he might not be and want to sell the house - and that wouldn’t be unreasonable.

Remember that your husband will have a voice in all these plans too. He won’t, and nor should he be expected to, just fit in with whatever you have decided in advance. It will need to be a joint decision.

The very best of luck to you. Life is short and when making big life changes there will be inevitably a little bad along with the good, but we o my have one life and money really isn’t everything.

Debutante - I feel for your situation. I may have missed it in the thread, but I don't see any reference to your daughters and whether you have involved them in your thinking. Do they know you'e so unhappy, and that their father is un-appreciative and uncaring? I don't think they'll want to know the details of your bedroom but they may have some suggestions because after all, they will probably not want you to throw away your capital by having to rent for the rest of your life. Others have said that you need to have a good discussion with your husband. I agree, and I don't believe that simply because you came from dysfunctional families neither one of you has grown in your time together to such a small extent that you can't do this. If you tell your husband exactly what you are thinking, he might agree to a reconfiguration of the house in the interests of thrift and your daughters' futures, or he might make a grand gesture and a promise to be more appreciative. If you are open and honest and tell him that the bedroom department is falling short drastically and you want a relationship with someone else who is attuned to your needs, he may think twice about the prospect of you doing that in your part of your joint house. Until you fully disclose everything that's roaming around in your head to him you will never know.

My husband and I have been in separate rooms since December 2008. Financially, neither of us could afford to go it alone. We are like house mates, although I still cook for us, etc., and to the outside world I guess we still look like a very "together" couple. We hide it well.
Very few people know the true story. Our adult children do know, however. We still go on holiday together occasionally, but have separate beds. It's a very strange situation, as on a daily basis, we get along like a brother and sister and/or housemates. It's a kind of "no man's land" in the middle of nowhere, but it has worked for 12 years. There are no cuddles, no intimacy, (I don't want it) but I guess we do still have companionship. Our mortgage is still huge (for a tiny house that we actually downsized to, in order to rectify past financial disasters) ....(part of our problem has been his bad financial moves and lack of enthusiasm to protect our futures). All I will say is there are many ways to skin a cat. Personally I am not hankering after another telationship at all. If anything I would value my own company more, as long as I have my daughter and friends surrounding me. So I guess I am more willing to accept "no man's land" even though I know for some people it would be totally unacceptable.

Omg! Debutante when I read this could have sworn this was me! I’ve been reslly unhappy too for twenty years and only held it together for the family too! But our kids have noticed it and they keep saying just leave if that’s what you want! But truth is I just don’t know what I want we married young too just the same to get away from dysfunctional families and that was same too ! Married 49 years ! I dread big birthdays and anniversaries as I am finding it hard to pretend things are all rosy like you do! So I know exactly what you are feeling. We have tried counselling three times and things have not improved. We are just existing in the same space too doing our own separate things. It’s very hard, but I don’t have much advice about coexisting together except I knew someone who tried it and it didn’t work for her because he became quite jealous of her socialising and caused bad feeling, so they split in the end. So don’t know what the answer is but I would prefer to get out and make clean break if I only had the guts to do it myself. Good luck on your decision whatever.

Depending on the size of your house, could you turn it into two flats? Some form of bathroom and kitchen space plus a bedroom/ .lounge on each floor. Alternatively, I believe a lot of single older people now go into house shares, a bit like students and young people do. This would provide you with cheaper accommodation and company. Good luck.

Yes. I was separated from my husband but due to the death of my daughter i had to return and we took custody of her child together. Can't say it was easy i left became i couldn't stand him but the last ten years we focused on bringing up our grandson. He has now turned 18 and is going to university. Now however i am 60 and looking at what to do next.

I read some advice many years ago when I was struggling to come to terms with the fact my marriage was over. It was ‘ If money is the only reason you’re staying, it’s not reason enough’.
I made my mind up there and then to go.
And now I’m married to a wonderful man who allows me to be myself, and supports and encourages me to do the things that make me happy.

Well done, MellowYellow ... that's the way to do it!
I can't understand why anyone would make themselves miserable for the sake of hanging onto so-called security. Get out and find a place to rent, even if it's just a room as a lodger, where you can be happy.

Debutante hopefully all these lovely GN people who have shared their terrible times and how they have come out the other side has helped you to make your decision. Please don't put your life on hold, or just endure it, for the benefit of your children's inheritence, I am sure they wouldn't want that. As others have said, take legal advice, and then put the house on the market. I know you said that you couldn't both buy a home from the proceeds of your existing house, but have you considered buying a 55+ flat or bungalow? They often are far cheaper than the equivalent open market properties, although of course you have to factor in maintenance charges. These charges may however, be worth the loss of worry about re=roofing/guttering/all the expensive maintenance jobs that owning a property throws up.

Oh I do feel for you Debutante. You do have a choice in all this and I think you need to be realistic and talk to your Husband. Tell him how you feel and I know it will be hard as like many men he probably wont want to hear it. Once done make your plans. I know we all would want to leave everything for our children, but if they have left the family home. got their own lives and jobs, then I am sure they would be happier for you if you were happy. I have had this conversation with my children about leaving them their inheritance and they have said they have their jobs, homes etc and do not need my money. I expect yours would say the same. We can all worry about the future but you need to worry about yours. If your house was sold you could afford to find somewhere to rent, it needn't be a large place. The local authority wont be able to help you with their housing but may be able to suggest an alternative. You can look into what benefits you can claim. Life isnt over for you and you have to make it was it is. I do wish you all the luck in the world,

So much good advice already. Just to add what I did... left after 34 years, secured a very good solicitor, bought a cottage with my half of our house sale, found I couldn't afford to maintain it because the divorce took its toll on me and I couldn't earn enough to cover basic living costs. Daughter suggested I rented and... well, I've never looked back! Sold cottage, gave a good dollop of money to my 3 kids as their inheritance, moved all over the place like an extended Gap year. I've had such fun. Living on my state pension, that's all, so no car or fancy holidays, but I'm so glad I did it all, though it wasn't easy. Have finally settled in one place cos of my grandkids. Went from huge Georgian townhouse, affluent lifestyle, running a business, to one bed flat with almost no disposable income. Saved my sanity and got my life back. Good luck with whatever decision you make.

Some really good advice on here Debutante. A close friend of mine was in a similar situation. Eventually she left her husband of 37 yrs and lived in rented accommodation until their house sold. She didn’t have enough to buy another property but instead bought a caravan on a residential site. She couldn’t be happier now and has made her caravan into a cosy little home. Just another thought for you. Wishing you well. ?

Your life sounds like mine. I am now getting divorced and house is under offer. Even if I have to rent I decided that as much as I love my home living in it with a man who irritates the life out of me is making me miserable so house had to go. We tried the separate lives same house but was never going to work.

I also agree with using any money you have for yourself. Also I think funeral prepayment is a good idea too. I would urge you to get legal advice and to explore housing associations and also almshouses, which are another type of social housing. I have some experience of the latter and there are some lovely properties which vet their residents/tenants and keep the buildings in good repair at affordable rents. Good luck .

If you have savings of more than £16,000, you will have to rent private.

icanhandthemback that's awful, mine tried to hedgetrim my arm off and drop logs and shed panels on me. Again, not the man I thought I knew and he was convinced he was a noble, trustworthy, loyal person...my foot.

I think what you are looking for is "peace". Peace for your mind and soul - not having that tense, annoyed feeling all the time. I'm afraid the only way is to not have to live with it on a daily basis @wildswan16 has really summed it up there.

I should have added, if your house is jointly owned, you can get in touch with Land Registry to get it altered to 'Tenants in Common' and then make a new will leaving your half to your children.

I'm not really sure what you think you will achieve by separating but still living together. On one hand you appear to be looking towards a loving relationship with someone else. How would that work if you stay under the same roof. Are you expecting to bring a boyfriend home for the night? How are you hoping to afford this carefree life? Will you be looking for maintenance, earning a living or will you be living off benefits? Presumably your husband will have his own expenses and if you are separated you won't want to be going cap in hand to him for money to have these good times. Will you be ok if your husband finds a new partner and has nowhere else to take her? At what point do you say, we've both moved on and need to change the status quo?
I was much younger when I tried to do this with my ex husband and he just couldn't handle it. It became a point scoring battle with him taking pot shots at my pillow with an air rifle whilst I was out. Very frightening and not the man I thought I knew. I moved out and did battle from afar.
How do you think you are going to negotiate all this with a man who uses silent to deal with emotional upheaval? That is going to be a mountain to climb!!
It sounds to me like you want to have your cake and eat it. I don't mean that in a nasty way. At some point you will have to make a decision about what sacrifice you are prepared to make to feel you are living your best life.
I wonder whether your dysfunctional childhood has been truly addressed. If I were you, I would find a good counsellor to work with to ensure that you have worked through your issues and are in the best place to make such life changing decisions. If nothing else, it will be additional support in a very difficult situation.
Incidentally, you do not have to have sex with a man you don't wish to. Maybe being open in a kind way about what you want in the bedroom. I find it incredible that after 46 years, you still feel you have to be subtle about what you want to be satisfied. You can be open without criticism. There's a world of difference with "You're selfish in bed," to "Ooh, more of that please," or "I'd really like it if we tried this..."
It sounds like you could be your worst enemy and he suffers from the same affliction. At the end of this conundrum if you work through your issues, you will come out the other side with the tools to make another relationship work if that is what you want. Whilst you are working on yourself, you might find that you feel like there is light at the end of the tunnel which will make you feel happier too. If this post sounds like I am putting all the onus on you, it is not meant to sound like that. I really want you to be happy and the failure of any marriage is rarely a one way street. Good luck.

I agree with Spice101 "Why are people so insistent on leaving what they have to their children?"
This is your life, you only get one shot at it and you should not sacrifice your happiness for the sake of leaving something to your children.
In many cases by the time children inherit they will have decent jobs, somewhere to live and are often better off than their parents. Odds are that they will lose some to inheritance tax and it will need to be split between them.
It may be possible to do a joint purchase with a housing association or join some other scheme that will enable you to get your own place.

My husband and I are both on our second marriage. Very shortly into the marriage, I realized he is extremely OCD. I knew living together would absolutely not work. So, I moved back into my former residence, and he lives in his own house. We text and chat occasionally on the phone thru the week, and spends Saturday nights with me at my place. We go to church, date, and enjoy family functions together. We will be married 7 years this December, and it has worked out perfectly. I wouldnt want it any other way. Just an option you may want to consider for your own self preservation, and it could possibly even revive your relationship. Good luck to you.