Gransnet forums


Trapped in bad marriage

(15 Posts)
PurpleBrolly Mon 06-Jul-20 16:02:54

I have been married for 32 years. I am 58 and husband is 68. For over a year he has been having an affair with a woman from abroad, and sending her regular monthly money payments. This is despite us being under financial hardship. Our sex lives are non existent.

When I question him, he claims he is sending money as a form of charity and he is doing nothing wrong. However she is not that poor. They regularly exchange texts expressing their love for each other. He visits her several times a year.

I would leave him except we own a business together, and there is still 4 years left on the lease. I am afraid that If I leave he will mismanage the business resulting in bankruptcy for both of us. Is there any way out of this?

Toadinthehole Mon 06-Jul-20 16:06:10

How strange! There is another thread running at the moment with just your sort of problem. Have a look, it may be helpful. Personally, I wouldn’t know how to advise you, but on this thread there will be people who can. Good luck!

EllanVannin Mon 06-Jul-20 16:12:49

For the sake of 4 years ( being as you've been married for 32 years ), I'd hang on.

Toadinthehole Mon 06-Jul-20 16:28:14

I’ve no direct experience as I said, but four years is a long time if you’re unhappy. I suppose it depends on how much you value your mental health/ money etc.

Tangerine Mon 06-Jul-20 16:31:20

I suggest you take some professional advice or contact Citizens Advice. Apart from being able to give you advice on how to deal with your marriage, they'll be able to help you regarding the business.

Illte Mon 06-Jul-20 16:39:27

Are you joint partners in the business?
If you divorced you could still run the business together. Or if that's not possible a settlement that takes into account all assets and liabilities is possible.

You could wait 4 years and then be no better, - or even worse-off, if he's sending money away.

Take action. See a divorce lawyer.

gt66 Mon 06-Jul-20 16:45:48

Yes please seek profession advice or CA, as suggested upthread.

Remember that half the money he's sending her is yours, but without your permission, so it's possible you may be able to recoup that from a settlement.

quizqueen Mon 06-Jul-20 16:52:38

Can you divorce him and sell your residential property and buy him out of the business with your share of the profits and tell him to stay abroad with her forever. Would you be able to afford to buy a small place for yourself then or can you sell the business now and just go your separate ways.

Nortsat Mon 06-Jul-20 16:56:54

Purple I am sorry to hear that things are so difficult for you at the moment.
I agree with Toad that 4 years is a long time, if you are unhappy.

I suggest you take some legal advice about your position regarding the business, your income and finances and any other assets you hold jointly.

Also, do you have someone in whom you can confide? This is a lot to carry on your own.

Then presumably at the right time, you need to have a conversation with your husband. He surely realises what a negative impact his behaviour is having on you?
I would only discuss this, when you are clear about your position, the options for the business and what you ultimately want to do.

Do you have children? Do they need to be involved in discussions at some point.

There is a lot for you to consider. I suggest you take things one at a time and begin with legal/financial advice.
Use GN as a sounding board to help you gather your thoughts and think through your options.
Good luck and best wishes 💐

PurpleBrolly Mon 06-Jul-20 17:49:56

Thank you for putting forward these options.

We have one daughter who is about to go to university. Our residential property could be sold and there is enough equity for a small flat each.

Sorting out the business presents difficulties. It is really his baby, although we jointly own it. He works full time on it. I look after the paperwork (he is very bad with this aspect), and I have a separate part time job of my own. It is a high street food service business and would be difficult to sell in the current economic situation. Getting out of a lease seems more difficult than getting out of a marriage.

Riverwalk Mon 06-Jul-20 17:59:47

You're in an intolerable situation - financial difficulties and he's sending money to his lady friend and visiting her!

You obviously need to seek proper legal advice regarding the business lease and safeguarding your position.

And you should be aware that it's more than likely that your husband is making plans also for his future and who knows what he has up his sleeve.

Assuming the business and marital home are not financially entwined there is no reason why the house couldn't be sold, you divorce and the business lease runs its course.

Nortsat Mon 06-Jul-20 23:18:08

Purple, I think your husband needs to understand that his behaviour (which is very wrong) has consequences, which he has to bear.

When you know what your legal rights and responsibilities are, you need a serious conversation (however difficult that might be). I suggest you tell him what you want, what you are prepared to accept and what your next steps will be.

Presumably you can end your marriage with/without ending your business? But if you do end your marriage, would you want to continue working with your husband?
The business may need to end too and your husband needs to realise that his behaviour has necessitated its demise.

Stay strong, get good advice quickly and then begin to take steps.
Good luck and let us know how things progress. 💐

PurpleBrolly Tue 07-Jul-20 10:33:07

Thank you Nortstat and Riverwalk for your suggestions. I will be taking legal advice on how best to proceed.

Nightsky2 Tue 07-Jul-20 10:39:36

You need to see a divorce Lawyer, a good one.
Ask around for recommendations.

sodapop Tue 07-Jul-20 12:50:38

Good luck PurpleBrolly put on your big girl pants and set things in motion. That's no way to live your life. I had to work with my ex for a while after I left him, it wasn't easy but we dealt with it and I was able to move on.