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Leaving a 43 year marriage

(21 Posts)
BlueBalou Sat 18-Jul-20 22:33:40

I’m 66, married for 43 years and quite frankly I cannot keep up this charade. My husband is lazy, selfish and thinks my job is to clean up after him. I am retired and in I’ll health although managing reasonably well day to day.
We own our house, probable value c£200k so there certainly won’t be enough money to buy somewhere local. I would be perfectly happy to move well away, possibly into Wales. I have very little savings.
How do I start to unpick 43 years of marriage?
My dad is fully understanding, my do doesn’t yet know. I fully expect my very elderly parents to be exceedingly disapproving and quite possibly to disown me.
I just want to be happy.
Please can anyone advise me?

BlueBalou Sat 18-Jul-20 22:35:04

Gosh full off spelling mistakes... my dd is fully understanding, my ds doesn’t know yet.

Hithere Sat 18-Jul-20 22:45:09

You are so brave on taking this huge step !

I would consult a lawyer to know your rights and what assets you deserve. The sharkier the better.

Decide where you want to live and secure accommodations, even if they are temporary. You can always move again as soon as the divorce is done.

You dont have to tell your parents of your decision. No need to invite unneccessary drama when you can avoid it.

Once you are settled again, you can tell them is you want. Concentrate on the basics first.

TwiceAsNice Sat 18-Jul-20 23:13:08

I left a 42 year marriage and should have done it much sooner. It can be done. Get legal advice and pick your solicitor carefully my first one was a disaster, the second absolutely marvellous. I’m very happy now I’m single again and I hope you will be too. PM me if it helps

annep1 Sat 18-Jul-20 23:41:07

Hithere is right. You don't need to tell your parents. It's sad after so long but you can do it. Many of us have made the same decision. Do get legal advice as others have said. Wishing you well for your new life.

crazyH Sat 18-Jul-20 23:46:00

Make an appointment with a Solicitor who specialises in Family Law. Good luck !!!

BlueBalou Sun 19-Jul-20 06:53:12

Thank you TwiceAsNice I may well be in touch 💐
Thank you everyone, I will definitely be getting legal advice as soon as I can. It’s daunting but anything is better than where I am at the moment!

silverlining48 Sun 19-Jul-20 09:51:05

Good luck blue, its never too late to make positive life changes.

ladymuck Sun 19-Jul-20 10:00:20

I was married for 42 years before I took the plunge and left, then divorced my husband. I wish I'd been able to do it sooner but money was a problem.
I would advise you to consult a solicitor to find out exactly what is involved. My husband didn't contest the charges I made (abuse) so the divorce only took 3 months. It could take much longer if there are obstacles.

eazybee Sun 19-Jul-20 10:22:07

If you have worked most of your life, recently retired. I think you will discover an excess of get-up and go; channel this to help you investigate very carefully all the possibilities of a new life. Now is the time to do it. Good luck.

FlexibleFriend Sun 19-Jul-20 12:54:44

Legal advice is expensive, my divorce cost me £21,000 in legal fees, his were over double as he was trying it on. Basically everything is split 50/50, that's the house, pensions, savings and investments etc. Far better to agree it amicably if you can.
Good luck you deserve it.

Liz46 Sun 19-Jul-20 13:56:50

I didn't get a solicitor when I got divorced. I did the paperwork myself and we split everything 50/50.

glammanana Sun 19-Jul-20 14:07:43

At 66 you have plenty of time to start again in another area it doesn't have to be grand at all just cosy and comfortable for your needs,my friend moved from a very large 4 bed det house and found herself a cute one bed cottage in North Wales so get yourself looking.
Make sure you have copies or originals of Passport/Bank details/Pension details (yours & his) details of all saving be it joint or singular and get yourself off to a good Family Solicitor,forget about your parents its not their business,you will be so relieved once you make the move to proceed.

seacliff Sun 19-Jul-20 15:10:51

I did my first divorce myself, the local court were very helpful giving me the relevant forms. We were quite young and had no children, and agreed amicably to split everything 50/50.

However, at your age I would get some legal advice. Is there a divorce forum where you could find recommendations for a good local solicitor? That can make so much difference.

I agree about taking copies of everything now, before you speak to him. Including pensions, premium bonds etc. Consult a solicitor for advice before you speak to your husband, so you know where you are.

You could have 30 years left. The start of a wonderful new happy life. Go for it.

EllanVannin Sun 19-Jul-20 15:27:34

And don't ever think/ dwell on about the 43 " wasted " years !!

Chardy Sun 19-Jul-20 15:32:02

Good luck. Proud of you x

annab275 Sun 19-Jul-20 20:59:06

my 69 year old brother has just left his partner of over 20 years with a car full of belongings and headed off to the south west. I have been in total shock as I hadn't seen it coming at all and he came over to tell me when he was already on his way. He is happy to have made the decision, and not at all bothered about what anyone else thinks. Life is too short to hang about being unhappy.

BlueBalou Mon 20-Jul-20 19:32:35

I’m hoping it’ll be amicable though at the moment I think he thinks I’m joking. He’s been horribly over helpful today it’s driving me potty!
There’s little or no money to argue over other than my nhs pension- please don’t tell me he can go for half of that? It’s a few hundred pounds a month. He’s always worked the minimum he can, relying totally on me at times 🙄
No other investments, premium bonds etc. We each have state pensions, a small private pension each (which I’m drawing on but he’s not touching his.....)
Then the house worth possibly £200k.

FlexibleFriend Wed 22-Jul-20 13:56:26

The 50/50 split goes both ways so yes he can go after half your Nhs pension. Just as you can ask for half of any pension he has. They even took my Pip into consideration which isn't fair as I'm paid that due to my disability and I have reviews every couple of years so it could be removed.

sodapop Wed 22-Jul-20 17:20:51

Good luck BlueBalou I've been in your shoes, thinking about leaving is worse than actually doing it believe me. So good to be peaceful and content on your own even if you have to take a financial hit. Make sure you have all your details to hand and take some legal advice then go for it.

Hetty58 Wed 22-Jul-20 17:25:58

Just leave asap. Life is for living, after all. What anyone else thinks about it is irrelevant, their problem, not yours. Everyone deserves to be happy.