Relationship faltering since birth of DS3

Concentrate on your own little family and enjoy your son. It sounds as if you have good relationships with him and your DH.

If your parents were acquaintances you would probably have dropped them by now because they don’t meet your expectations. I know it’s harder with family but if focussing on what they do or how you want them to be is taking up so much of your life and upsetting you, step back. Let things go for a while. If you don’t see them, they can’t upset you.
If your efforts so far have been met as you describe, you’re just asking for more stress.

As for the presents, I don’t know what I’d do.
Either post them back with a thank you note explaining why you are returning them, thus avoiding confrontation.
Maybe keep them unused and say nothing till they ask if you like them, then explain that you don’t wear them because you asked them not to send any more expensive presents, without adding any further explanation.
If they press you or get angry, offer to return them, otherwise don’t mention it.

I don’t really know that I expected praise for being a good mother. It came more in terms of compliments about the children- ‘Don’t your children have lovely manners’ ‘She’s such a kind little girl’. I don’t remember using exactly those words to my daughters but they know I think they’re doing a good job because I don’t criticise them and praise how the children are doing, (I just phoned my eldest to ask her before answering this).
I hope some of the answers on here have been some help.
Try writing a post to yourself as if you were your mother and you had read your post, not knowing it was from you.
What would she say?
How would she describe your relationship?
What would she want you to do to improve the relationship between you?
If you find she’s saying “There’s no point . . . then take her (your) advice.

Change your therapist. Find a family therapist who would help you review your family life, understand what has happened and help you formulate a plan to create the best possible relationship in the circumstances acknowledging that your parents will not be going to change.
Always observe the usual courtesies of sending them birthday cards, christmas cards, and the other communications that make sure they know you are thinking of them. Do not expect a positive response from any of your actions, but you will know that you did your duty.

StrawberryShortcake you sound a very sensible and loving person - and a great mum! I'm sorry your parents aren't able to give you the sort of encouragement and love that you would like to have, but you honestly sound as though you can have a wonderful and fulfilling life if you can release all your expectations and hopes of them being the parents you would like them to be. Enjoy bringing up your son your way, and limit the amount of time with your parents to what you can cope with without feeling stressed out with their reactions. My in-laws were very good to me, but I had the eye-rolling etc too and just let it wash over me. I knew I was doing my best for my children that I could, and that they did the same for theirs. Our ways were just different. While we were together I let my rules relax so that they could enjoy their time with their grandchildren, and the children knew that it was only on those occasions that they had extra treats, stayed up later etc. It made them look forward to the visits more. Yes, I had to bite my tongue on some occasions, but for family harmony, and for just an hour or two, it was in my opinion worthwhile. You asked for a grandparents perspective. Would you be able to relax your rules for the period of your parents visits so that they can enjoy your son without feeling that you are judging them badly because they want to wake up your son to spend time with him while he's awake. I know it's much more interesting to spend time with a child awake rather than asleep (but more exhausting), and they may feel that they are wasting valuable time waiting for him to wake up. It probably depends on the length of time they are visiting. It's always said that it's a grandparents job to spoil their grandchildren. Annoying for the parents maybe, but it is only for a short time, unless they live in the same house. So long as they don't undermine your authority by criticising you in front of your child and husband, I think this might help them to enjoy being a grandparent more, and build a better relationship with you all. Maybe they feel they aren't able to be the grandparents they would like to be? If everything is more relaxed, maybe you will be able to build a better relationship with them again too. And I entirely agree that you needed to return the earrings as they gave them to you against your expressed wishes. I'm sure you did it in a gentle way. I think the other posters here who think you shouldn't have done this, didn't take on board that you had told them not to buy you and your husband anything anymore.

You first priority is your little family.

Frankly I think you should take them as they are, and see a little less of them. I certainly wouldn't make them the centrepiece of every Christmas.

Good luck

I really should check before I post. It should read my father placated my mother not planted!

I would suggest you talk this over with another counsellor. There are good ones out there. I'm in support of keeping contact between grandchildren and grandparents. Maybe you can't change them but you can change the way you react with them. You can't control everything.

My heart goes out to you strawberry shortcake. I'm an only child to and I do think it's a very different dynamic. It has advantages but disadvantages in that you are the sole focus of their attention and theres no one to compare notes with.!
I think for me a pivotal time was when I had my children. It brings home the enormity of the role of being a parent. It also very starkly by seeing how their relationship developed with my childeren bought back memories of my childhood experiences. As an adult you see your parents for the people they are warts and all! Mine were basically good but Mum could have an explosive temper. Dad was a quiet constantly patient man who would do anything for a quiet life but definitely not a man who hugged or told you he loved you but his actions spoke louder than words and he supported us in too many ways to count.! Christmas,that old chestnut. Mum was habitually late for everything by at least an hour. If we went to theirs we would be greeted by an explosive nan doing everything at last minute.! If they came here you would plan the meal an hour or so later than you told them! Dads response to everything be it a cheese sandwich or Mary Berry's finest was "very nice"! As time went on they grew increasingly frail, mum due to medical issues and dad vascular dementia. For 5 years I organised their lives and care package(they live a few miles away but I dont drive) and after mums death dad moved in with me until his death a few years later. They were tremendously challenging years but also golden in many ways. Mum mellowed in the last year but still had the odd outburst. She was argumentative and used to being the focus of dads attention and getting whatever she wanted whether or not it was reasonable! She was very pushy with myself and daughters but wanted us to have things she didnt. I remember a particular time when I was juggling their lives and mine and under considerable strain. She had fallen out with someone and phoned me to vent. I was trying to be diplomatic which made her crossed and resulted in her yelling down the phone that I didnt care and never did anything for her. It wasnt true and she didnt mean it but it hurt me dreadfully.
Several years on myself and my daughters remember them with great love and affection and also with a healthy dose of reality. At her core Mum was loving and very proud of us but her self centred and often explosive manner was stressful. On the plus side myself and daughters work in care related jobs and are very good at working with tricky clients through negotiating and firmly but not putting up with any nonsense ! Dad remained his usual placid self despite the dementia. After many years of planting my mother and being at her back and call it was his turn to be waited on,his reserve dropped and we had a very happy and companionable couple of years.
So how does this little saga relate to you?
I think becoming a parent and seeing how your parents relate to your childeren can awaken memories about how they parented you,for good or bad. The older we get the more realistic of our view as parents becomes. The best advice is that of the poster who said you cant change people only how you react to them.
I think its important that your son is protected against hurtful things such as rejection of little gifts he has made which I'm sure you are aware of.
Christmas is tricky. Yes you would probably have a more jolly time with your little family but as an only child there is more pressure put on you. It may be there are other relatives they could go to and they see you another day? This may not be possible or indeed what you want. As Christmas got increasingly complex we fell into the pattern of Christmas Eve being special in our household with special traditions just for us. Christmas day was Christmas day,its a whole Gransnet thread on it's own! Boxing day was my chill day!
I do get the impression that your parents may express themselves through things rather than emotions. I'm sure you would rather have a sense that you are loved and valued rather than a trinket. As the old saying goes it is the thought that counts and you would be happy with a cup of tea and a heartfelt chat. Relationships are such complex things and who knows what the relationship is really like between your parents. Some people just shouldn't be parents, they are not emotionally capable. Some are emotionally abuse. Some reflect issues from their own upbringing. We parent by example. I agree that the advice of the counselor to ask for a hug was over simplistic.
Cherish your own little family with an awareness of the parenting style you wish you had received. You may have to come to terms that your parents may never be able to nurture you in the way you need,for whatever reason that's just not who they are. That in itself can be liberating. Develop the ability to pat yourself on the back and boost your self esteem. Keep the lines of communication open but adapt your expectations of what you want and what is. Not easy but I'm sure you can do it and are a wonderful mother ?

StrawberryShortcake. I really feel for you and to some extent have suffered similar with my Mother, I could never do anything right in her eyes, even now it rankles at times, but mostly over the years I have let it go. I know how much it hurts. You sound like a lovely Mummy, if in your heart you know you are doing your best, you can do no more, to have a friend and your Mother in Law confirm this is fantastic. I tell my daughter all the time what a wonderful Mummy she is, and how lucky my gorgeous grandchildren are to have such a fabulous Mummy and Daddy. I tell my grandchildren too, although they are only 4 and 2 yrs old. I also tell my daughter that her little family have to come first, before her parents, siblings, friends and work. Stay strong, that is what your own little family deserve, your love and attention and family happiness. Good luck.

Hello again OP, now you’ve clarified what you meant by DS3, and we know you’re an only child, is it possible it’s down to plain old jealousy? Your parents have had their ‘ baby’ for nearly 40 years, and now she has someone else to love. That coupled with your mum’s possible menopause, ( I did ask before), and the effect that may have had on your dad...may be enough to send them over the edge. The earrings may be their only way of communicating, bizarre though it may sound. I do hope you can resolve this, but the clues were there when you said the last three years. It makes sense now, but before, we all thought he was your third son. I think my advice remains the same though, if you can’t fix it, walk away for now at least, and wait for things to improve. Hopefully absence really will make their hearts fonder.

I'm so sorry to hear of this StrawberryShortcake and I can see why it causes you such distress ..it's hard enough being parent these days without having parental disapproval to deal with as well.

Your parents may be one of those couples who have never been comfortable with being warm and affectionate ...maybe not with each other or with you and possibly other family. Some people just aren't. It's them not you! They have tried I suppose in their way to show their commitment to you when you were younger with the paying for things that you needed and are currently still trying to spend money to compensate for their lack of emotional availability to you. If thats the way they themselves were brought up, stiff upper lip, don't show feelings, etc etc then its'a hard mould to break. It sounds from what you say about your mothers lies and tears and your father's silences, that it may be a difficult relationship behind closed doors and that they find it hard to keep up appearances when they visit. Or maybe it's not difficult for them its just the way it is and they become awkward and distant when they think that more is expected and they don't know how to 'do' that.

Whatever the reasons behind all this, I can only suggest that you concentrate on your own little family at home, don't dwell on the fact that your parents don't seem to 'get' you...sometimes you have to live with generational anomalies - you can't always make them better. It doesn't mean that they don't love you and your DH and children, nor that you don't love them...you are just very different people and whilst it isn't ideal from your perspective, perhaps you can accept them for who they are.

So many differing thoughts on this thread - hoping that some of them give you some comfort and reassurance and maybe some food for thought.

For what it's worth, my five children, apart from one, aren't huggers or given to PDAs - not with myself and my EXH at least - they go pale and nasueous at the thought!! Thankfully my youngest son is happy to greet me with a bearhug...however despite the older ones being physically distant, I know that I'm loved...and I hope that somewhere within yourself you do, too. Don't waste your future life in regretting what you can't change- as someone posted here, grieve the parents you wanted and then set your face to the sun and enjoy your little family at home.

Have a google at "Childhood emotional neglect" or CEN. If it resonates, be aware that it can ripple through the generations - sometimes getting better (as might be the case with your little family) and sometimes getting worse. If it is a factor here, it may be that your son is bringing back all kinds of unhappy and unwelcome feelings to your parents. Not their fault; something to bear in mind when you deal with them. The book Running on Empty offers some potential ways of dealing with it. And please bear in mind that I may be barking up the wrong tree in the wrong forest entirely here!

You cannot make people what they are not. I think you must accept them and their foibles. They may be finding it difficult being grandparents and accepting that you are doing things differently to how they would do it. I would accept the earrings with a thank you and say no more. It seems that your last visit went reasonably well so take comfort in this. Try not to be so negative when the eyes roll, and if it is that bad make your excuses and leave. When money is mentioned, again thank them and make it a positive comment.

I do hope things improve for you but you may find this may take a long time and it may transpire that there may be underlying issues with your parents that you know nothing about yet.

I would suggest you google narcissism.

@Quizzer yes I am an only child, our stories sound similar. I’m sorry you didn’t get a resolution. It’s hard isn’t it?

@missiseff I have never spoken of estrangement. My question was “how do I take positive steps to rebuild the relationship”. Nor have I discussed perfection.

@coconut, thank you for sharing your experience, it’s so sad isn’t it. You are right, we can’t control others only our reactions and actions.

@Cd783 Thank you, you are very kind and yes it has definitely been worth sharing my situation to gain all these perspectives. You sound like a very kind person with insight and honestly, please forgive yourself. You were and still are your parents child, they love you

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

It's really sad to say but just because you are related to someone doesn't mean you can have a relationship with them. Do take time to reflect on things if it helps you but don't let this become a burden. Your parents don't live with you so you can spend your time with the joyful and rewarding relationships in your home and draw happiness from that. You work hard and deserve all the love and support you get from your own family. You already treat your parents kindly and with courtesy and that's the best you can do with anyone. Don't expect what your parents can't give and just put to one side the sad little world they have chosen to inhabit. You don't belong there. Don't waste time trying to explain or to make things right. People who have chosen to retreat completely into their own little selfish version of life can be left there without feeling bad. It was their choice and it doesn't have to hurt you. Always remember that you didn't choose things to be like this - they did. What a sad sad pity that they don't realise what they've missed out on in their last years. I see so many of my contemporaries doing exactly the same.
Don't bother returning the earrings. Just say a polite thank you and put them in a cupboard. Anything else will just pull you into miseryland with the pair of them with you trying to reason with the unreasoned. I'm really really sorry that you don't have the loving caring parents you deserve.

On the returning of the gift - gifts are representations of love, and in my book, you NEVER return a gift. It's one of the most hurtful things you can do to someone. If you don't like the gift, dispose of it discreetly and don't mention it again. If referred to in conversation, say it was lovely, and that you've put it away for a special occasion or whatever. Your parents chose those ear rings for you - they must be devastated.

I admire you strawberryshortcake for trying to work through what is going on in your relationship with your parents and how you might make it better. I kind of wish therapy/mindful behaviour was a more everyday 'thing'. As I age, I realise more and more how I might have been more thoughtful when I was younger. As it happens, my experience was the opposite of yours - my parents were lovely, genuinely emotionally intelligent, and though my mum took care to tell me that I was a wonderful daughter (bless her) every day I wish I'd given her more of my 'adult' attention and listened to her more. Great relationships may not be possible, but I think it's impressive that you're trying to improve things if you possibly can. This thread has certainly brought out a lot of angles to think about so I hope you find it's been worth being so open.

I agree with Welbeck. I also have always had a very difficult relationship with my Mum, but one thing I did do for my own sanity years ago, was to stop expecting any praise or validation from her. Just take a step back from your parents, your main focus now is your own little family. Many times I tried to calmly chat to my mum re our relationship, but I was just wasting my breath. She is a control freak and has absolutely no empathy for others, she talks over me and dismisses all I say. She is 90 now, I’ve been in the driving seat of our relationship for years now as I had to shift the control. She hates it, but sadly I don’t care. I’ve an amazing relationship with my 3 and have total control of my own life. I know deep in my heart that I’ve done everything possible to enhance our relationship, but I long ago just accepted it’s a 2 way street and she won’t even meet me half way. It’s very sad of course, but life’s too short to let others drag you down.

Don't estrange yourself from them. So they're not perfect. Are you?

Sounds as though you are an only child. I was too and I think my parents found difficulty in 'losing' me to my husband, even though they thought he was wonderful. They showed little interest in my children and our relationship became more strained the older they became. Such a shame, but I never found a solution.

welbeck

i feel for you OP.
they sounds like narcs.
they resent the attention given to your baby son, and disrupt his rest and feed routines.
you mother chooses to sabotage your stated wish about the perfume you chose for your wedding day.
it's like they have to elbow their way into everything and make themselves centre stage.
the gifts are part of this: look what we did, how big our gift.
there is something wrong with them, and i think you feel it more keenly as you develop your own parenting style.
of course your mother would not even recognise/ value nurturing; far less commend you on it; it's not her thing. it's an empty category.
i think you are sad, grieving the lack of parenting that you are trying to give your own son. which is understandable.
you are trying to work through it. a part of you is still the child psychologically.
ditch that counsellor. read up on narcs, and co-dependency.
keep a journal. could be spoken one, easier for busy mum.
by the way i too misunderstood age for child number three. but instead of thinking you were wrong, or up to something ! i merely persevered and found another equally valid interp.

“They sound like narcs”............ Instant diagnosis by GN

You’ve had loads of different perspectives here as food for thought. My tuppence worth is to ask what would a decent relationship with your parents look like to you? You know them best, so you’ll be aware of limitations. So is it a phone call every month and casual visits? I think that if you can get on board with a frequency you’re comfortable with then you won’t be disappointed. It’s horrible to realise you don’t have the relationship you imagined or thought you did and it’ll take time to come to terms with.
My hunch is that the gift thing has hurt them. Whilst I understand your logic and completely agree that a gift is only a gift if it comes without strings, it may be that by refusing their perceived generosity they feel you’re rejecting them.
I hope you can work through this and from an internet stranger, it sounds like you’re doing a great job at this motherhood lark!!

Thank you Welbeck

i feel for you OP.
they sounds like narcs.
they resent the attention given to your baby son, and disrupt his rest and feed routines.
you mother chooses to sabotage your stated wish about the perfume you chose for your wedding day.
it's like they have to elbow their way into everything and make themselves centre stage.
the gifts are part of this: look what we did, how big our gift.
there is something wrong with them, and i think you feel it more keenly as you develop your own parenting style.
of course your mother would not even recognise/ value nurturing; far less commend you on it; it's not her thing. it's an empty category.
i think you are sad, grieving the lack of parenting that you are trying to give your own son. which is understandable.
you are trying to work through it. a part of you is still the child psychologically.
ditch that counsellor. read up on narcs, and co-dependency.
keep a journal. could be spoken one, easier for busy mum.
by the way i too misunderstood age for child number three. but instead of thinking you were wrong, or up to something ! i merely persevered and found another equally valid interp.