Relationship faltering since birth of DS3

There used to be a belief that complimenting children woukd make them big headed. As for not saying you are a good mum, they may well think you are but have not thought of saying so. I am not sure my mum ever did either.
Try not to overthink the situation and I hope things resolve for you.

And yet, this issue with my parents consumes so much of me, of my time, my energy, my thoughts
And this is your whole problem shortcake you haven’t got perfect parents ...who has? but you have parents who are probably trying in their own way even if it’s not your way

Forget all their faults, their inconsistencies, their inability to act as you expect them want them to act, put all you thoughts and desires and energy into your own family and let your parents see the grandson and just be their normal very flawed selves

Acceptance is the key to happiness ....try it

So glad to hear you're in a much better place now StrawberryShortcake and finding a more positive way forward.

@luckygirl yes you are right! It’s a shame some parents aren’t more engaged with their children as adults, or perhaps it’s the adult children having unrealistic expectations. You certainly seem to have embraced the positives, which I try to do on the whole.

@chewbacca thank you, yes you’re right I don’t need it but I guess I wanted it. Perhaps I don’t need to change our relationship, I just need to accept it for what it is.

Looking back I think that I hoped asking my parents to stop giving me expensive gifts would encourage them to be more thoughtful. I thought they might want to see me on my birthday or at least ring me to wish me a happy birthday, Or yes even perhaps a picnic or coffee and cake somewhere.

I guess I was trying to get them to be more thoughtful as these are the things I do for them. I give them a nice gift as I know they like this, but I also do something thoughtful and meaningful as well. Which I will continue to do as that’s my character and my parents like it or at least they tell me they do.

@luluaugust you make a very good point, my parents may very well think I am hard work and I did come here looking for a view from their perspective so thank you for that. I wonder how I’d broach this with them and if they’d be truthful in their response?

They’re not elderly and are fit and well, I don’t think they are hiding a health condition as they don’t usually but I can’t be sure, if they are hiding it I wouldn’t know. I paid my way through Uni and for most of my wedding but yes my parents did insist on paying for part of both, I was very uncomfortable with them paying for parts of my wedding but my mum got very upset and I let her to keep the piece. I thanked them for this so much I was told off for thanking them too much. To have it thrown back in my face was a shock, I didn’t think my dad would do that. They did get things they wanted for my wedding which I may not have chosen and my mum was unhelpful personally but I realise she was very helpful financially and so I was thankful. She did get annoyed with me the morning of my wedding which was a shame and she wore the same new perfume that I did on my wedding day. She came shopping with me to help me chose it (I bought it) and I told her I was going to wear a perfume I’d never worn before so that every time I smelt it, it would always remind me of my wedding day. It just reminds me of her now so I don’t use it anymore. Anyway I digress.

Thank you again for your advice, I think I will try and let anything they say to me just wash over me and challenge them if they are dismissive to my son and/or reduce his contact with them a bit. He only sees them on video chat currently because of the COVID-19 pandemic so there’s not much to limit. Before that it was about once every 2 weeks for an hour or so at their choosing.

Sounds like expectations are too high on both sides StrawberryShortcake I would take a step back from all this and see what you really want from the relationship.
You have your own family now so concentrate on your life with them, you don't need approval from your parents any more you are a grown up. Don't waste any more time on this just enjoy your life with your son.

I know it's nice when someone compliments us on a job well done, or for being a good mother, but I certainly wouldn't let the lack of it undermine my confidence in what I was doing, especially if the lack of a compliment was from someone that I already had a fractious relationship with. If you know you're doing a good job and your DS is thriving and happy, that's enough, no approbation needed.

I'm not sure why, if you've told your parents to stop giving you gifts, why they'd now feel comfortable in arranging for you all going on a picnic to celebrate your birthday. You could, however, suggest the birthday picnic to them and see how it goes.

....but once typed it is there for you to see and act upon! - can't take it back now!!!

My parents never once remotely hinted that I was dong a good job of being a mother; nor indeed anything else at all! Praise and support were simply not in their repertoire. What did I do about that?.......I let it wash by, took them for what they were (products of their own upbringing) and got on with life.

I really do believe that this is what you need to do. You are so lucky to have your little son - and take it from me he will be a grown man and gone from your home before you can blink! - so you need to make the most of what you do have and try and let go those things that you would ideally like but that you do not have.

Life is very tough indeed if you cannot learn to do that. There will be so many things that you might wish for that do not happen in the course of your life and learning to deal with that is a life skill that we all have o develop.

Onwards and upwards with your lovely little family!

Thank you for all your replies, lots to think about and a few things to clarify.

I will try and answer all. I am new to online message boards - this is only my second ever post and first on this forum. I had assumed that DS3 referenced gender and age (I have a 3yr old son who is indeed my parents first grandchild). I am an only child.

@H1954 to suggest that I’m ‘Not quite right’ because I used the term DS3 incorrectly made me laugh out loud so I’d like to thank you for that

@bluebelle I guess I just thought that they might say it, you know? My friend said to me, in conversation, shortly after my son was born. ‘You’re such a good mum, so calm and nurturing’ then she just moved on with the conversation. I didn’t think I needed to be told anything like that but it hit me like a train. It remember it, clear as a bell, to this the day, the kindness and sincerity in her eyes. My MIL then said something similar sometime later - again just out of the blue and It was lovely but also made me a little sad that this type of encouragement/praise or whatever you would like to call it will probably never come from my parents.

I did give the gift back, my dad has on several occasions thrown back in my face the expensive things they have given me over the years. He does this when I ask them not to speak to me in a negative way or roll their eyes at me etc in front of my son. So I now feel that their gifts come with strings attached, therefore I have ask them not to give expensive gifts to me or my husband any more. I had hoped this may encourage them to call me on my birthday or perhaps arrange a picnic etc but instead they just post a card through my letterbox when they know I won’t be at home. Until this year when I got a one line text from my mum and the earrings left on the doorstep when I was at work.

It’s hard to explain a relationship in a few posts and perhaps I was wrong to try. I just thought that perhaps someone may have been in this situation and/or have the view from my parents perspective.

It’s seems like my expectations are too high, I need to accept them for who they are, deal with my wish for interest in my life/praise etc and move forward. Which was, at the end of the day, the reason for my post. I suspect that this may be easier typed than done.....

I'm sorry about how you feel but I can't help wondering if your mother won't be posting on here saying what hard work she finds you and after all they have done for you regarding upbringing , uni, paying for your wedding (lucky you!) you have thrown their very nice gift back in their face. Not everybody can be outgoing and charming all the time are they keeping health problems from you and maybe mum tells a few fibs to try and keep you happy. They must be quite elderly now even in her fifties my mum never said a lot during my pregnancies after the first one I found out she had had the most horrendous time herself. Sometimes there is a back story you don't know.

Bluebelle
Good post

Why take back expensive earrings which were a birthday present?

You sound as if you are very needy, OP.
And your parents sound as if they are nervous of your reactions.

I thought DS3 was the actual age , so could still be the only grandson, I totally agree with EllanVannin on this, and think you should focus on your little family, it sounds to me as though you have tried, with your parents,

My reaction was similar to Bluebelle's - I could not understand how the OP's DS3 could be her parents' first grandchild.

Nor can I quite get why this imperfect relationship looms so large in her mind. I could not describe my relationship with my parents as being anything but far from ideal; but I certainly did not let it rule my life. I concentrated on my relationship with my OH and my own children, determined that they should have the best childhood I could give them. That took up the bulk of my energy (both physical and emotional) and relating to my parents became secondary .

I think that a bit of perspective is needed here - relationships with our parents change when we become adults, and it is often the case that both sides have some adjusting to do - some achieve that well, others not.

I think you should simply let this stuff wash by you. Who is gaining from you agonising over it? - not you and not them.

Perhaps you could simply try to accept that your relationship with them is far from perfect and take it on the chin - just as we do a rainy day when we had planned to put the washing out. Life and relationships are all far from perfection - an awful lot of potentially happy life can be wasted agonising about this. Acceptance is the key.

Sorry, but I really wonder why you want to repair your relationship at all ?
They seem to have spent most of your growing up, making you feel grateful for everything that they have done for you over the years. Maybe it was the way that they were brought up and don't know that that's not the right way? Or maybe the "look at all we have done for you" attitude is just genuinely feel- perhaps they sit there at home, on their own and that is all they talk about and think about and also feel that since you had GS, that they are no longer getting the attention that they used to ? This childish behaviour that they are showing every time that they visit makes me wonder if this is the case?
There is no law that says that you either have to like or even spend time and contact with any of your family members. Your priority at this time is yourself, your husband and children. It isn't too much to ask that your parents behave themselves when in your home and at the very least be pleasant when they visit. Later on GS will be asking why their grandparents are unkind to not only you, but probably them as well later.
In the meantime, please try to relax - it sounds as if you are doing an amazing job as a parent despite what your parents may not be saying!

TerriBull

I'm also wondering how your child can be DS3 and your parents first grandchild

Yes, I had the same thought actually. There's something not quite right about the OP I suspect.

Good analysis Bluebelle.

Strawberry You seem over-focussed on your parents. Your DH and your DC (I too am a bit confused about how many you have) are your family now, they should be your priority and they are the ones who need your emotional energy. You certainly shouldn’t be craving your parents’ approval over everything from whether they think you’re a good mother to whether your dad likes the cake you made him.

You’re the grownup here and believe me it won’t be that many years before there’s role reversal and you’ll be parenting your parents as well as your DC.

Hi there,

I have read and re read your post

I think there is something that your parents are hiding from you.

I have a friend that discovered her father was not actually her father.
Suddenly everything fell in to place for her.
I’m not necessarily suggesting this is the case but could there be a skeleton in the cupboard?

Do you have siblings ? If so how do your parents behave with them?

Your counsellor should not have said what she did!

I'm sorry that you're having such a difficult time with your parents Strawberryshortcake and that this is casting a black cloud over your life.

You posted "this issue with my parents consumes so much of me, of my time, my energy, my thoughts. How do I start carving a path to positive change". IMO the first thing you need to do is accept that this is how your parents are and there's nothing you can do to change their behaviour. The only thing you can do is change your reaction to it.

You've set boundaries about gifts so need to stick to them. You can say the earrings are lovely but as you've already told them, you don't want them to buy gifts for you and your H you are returning them.

Make other arrangements for Christmas and don't have them over.

If you can lower your expectations, knowing I think that they'll never be reached, you may find their behaviour less hurtful and easier to deal with.

You can begin to pull back from them, seeing them less and communicating less, and even if this doesn't make them take a look at themselves it should make your life less stressful.

I hope you'll be able to find a way to accommodate your parents the way they are while protecting your own well being, without the need for estrangement.

If you really do want to improve the relationship, then I would ask them if they would sit down with an intermediary, professional or otherwise, and chat through what the expectations are of each of you. I would have seen the earrings as a peace offering, which was rejected, it won't have helped.

You can use that opportunity to say how you would like support from them in believing in yourself. That you always believed you were close and would like that to continue. Give them the opportunity to come out with any resentments that you were not aware of and could be resolved.

You make it a bit difficult for them, you say they have ignored your birthday for the past three years, and when they do make a real effort and give you a present, you promptly return it. Yes, they were very wrong to complain about all they had done for you, even when upset, but if you can put it behind all of you, you can move on.

If you don't tell them how you would like them to behave, and ask them what you can do for them in return, I fear things will get worse, and I suspect you really would like to mend things?

I echo everything that BlueBelle says! down to the GS3 is the first grandchild?.

The arrival of a new baby changes the dynamics and your DP don't know how to behave. They don't know "the rules" any more than you do.

Remember to be kind and and patient with each other and it will turn out alright. They may be quite old for DGP too and set in their ways. My in-laws were in their early 40s when we made them DGP and now in their 90s, are still laying down the law.

I wouldn't return a gift though, unless it came with a gift receipt to exchange it at a shop. How rude!

I'm also wondering how your child can be DS3 and your parents first grandchild

Oh StrawberryShortcake, where do I start ?. We had problems with parents, mainly husband’s, from the start. Can I just ask.....had this been a forever thing, or could it be colliding with your mum’s menopause for example? I really didn’t know what had hit me when I started mine, and no one ever told me! I’ve said to my husband more recently, could it have been his mum’s menopause all along, and we just didn’t know and couldn’t make allowances. He said “ no”, unless she started it around 40, and it went on until she died at age 85! Possible I suppose, but unlikely. Assuming it’s not this, and they are just difficult.....you have to weigh up the pros and cons of them being in your lives, possibly putting to detriment, your relationship with your husband and children as they get older and start to notice things which mine did. We put up with a rollercoaster of times over 25 years, and eventually shut the door on them when we were 40, 20 years ago. The best thing we ever did. There’s loads of difficult, unpleasant people out there...and unfortunately, some poor people are related to them! Do what your instinct says, put your husband and children first, and leave them to their own devices. You say your life with them is good, and that’s important. From what you say, I’m assuming you’ve tried all the talking. We did...and we were just met with denial. Don’t waste any more time on them, focus on what you have, and maybe things will naturally come back. All the best to you?

I'd avoid them like the plague.
You've got a good relationship with the main person in your life as well as your own siblings so keep it that way and don't allow this preposterous behaviour become such an issue as to cause any unpleasantness within your own family " bubble ".

I wouldn't give them house-room even though they are your parents, it's going to make you ill and it's not worth it, nor fair on your partner and children. It'll become easier given time.

Interesting perspective Bluebelle, I’d like to know what OP thinks about that.

Relationships are all different and you have to roll with them I picked up on the they never told me I was a good mum
Well I don’t think I ever had any expectations of hearing my parents tell me I was a good mum maybe they did, maybe they didn’t, have I used those words to my own children? I don’t recall doing so, I don’t really understand why you need reinforcement about your abilities you and your husband know if you are or not and that’s all that matters
I think what I m saying is it sounds as to me as if your expectations are over the top
I also don’t understand why you have to take a gift back what a kick in the teeth for them whether it was to your taste, too expensive, or ‘against your rules’ I think it’s really bad taste to give a gift back
I also don’t understand if it GS3 how is it your parents first grandchild ? Probably me being thick
You say you were always incredibly close to your parents and then go on to list all the ‘terrible’ things they ve done over the years including your mum has always been a liar I think your post is full of opposites and to me it feels like you are expecting way too much and perhaps are being a bit precious You say it consumes you, well stop letting it consume you concentrate on the positives in your lives and if they roll their eyes or don’t, so what, if they thank you or praise you enough or not enough, accept that that’s who they are and by the sound of it always have been
You are expecting a perfect relationship and they just rarely are Sorry if you feel I ve been hard but try looking at this less, accept what you have and stop looking for finding fault in your head
they didn’t like the cake did they say so ??? or didn’t they say how ravishingly tasty it was You say in one breathe your mum has always been a poor communicator then expect praise for all you do
They are what they are, you are what you are probably very different so take what they offer (maybe nothing) and enjoy a happy life with your husband and son Stop fretting you will be the one to suffer

It’s only since my MIL died in May that her ACs have chatted and realised how divisive she (and FIL ) were, pitting them against each other rather than treating them all well.
DH and I realised very early on in our marriage that she was a very selfish person and that it was her way or no way, so we rarely visited.
SIL was totally under her thumb and is now extremely angry, with no where to vent her anger, so we get very long phone calls comparing notes about what really was said to us compared with what was said to her. She also found out what to her was an absolute bombshell and that still goes around and around in her head.
One son was estranged (the in-laws did that, not him) and she was so spiteful about him too.
As I said we rarely saw her, it was her loss that she didn’t see our children, but she didn’t care.
I would tell the OP to cut ties with them before their behaviour affects your children and your own mental health.
Some people weren’t made to be parents.