Relationship faltering since birth of DS3

Thanks Lolo, I think I’m leaning towards just trying to accept things the way they are and keep a bit of emotional distance .

Strawberry Shortcake, the poor communication skills could be purely generational. The old stiff upper lip and not addressing all those yucky emotions. I know I’m generalising as there are many within that generation who do have emotional intelligence, but the stereotype exists for a reason.
You’ve said a couple of times now they can’t communicate, perhaps they simply don’t know how to handle the more emotional aspects that you are craving.
I know that doesn’t make you feel any less hurt, but the emphasis on things and gifts could be their way of showing love that they cannot express and by returning the things/gifts or refusing them you are rejecting their “love”.
That doesn’t necessarily make their actions ok, if it’s hurting you then the decision you need to make is whether to address it head on and hope they’d be willing to try, to distance yourself in order to protect your own feelings, or try to accept their efforts and make peace with their limitations.

Thank you Welbeck

it doesn't matter.
don't try to analyse them. don't waste your emotional energy on them. just be glad you don't have to live with them.
you get to live with people who love and respect you.
that's all that matters.
and don't let them hurt yr son' feelings, with yr mother's one-upmanship. give them a wide berth. you can do it.
good luck.

Thank you everyone, so many kind comments and helpful advice. I did give the gifts back and mentioned that I was disappointed they didn’t want to see me on my birthday. Since then they haven’t asked to see me (socially distanced of course), they FaceTime my son but that’s about it.

I keep coming back to the thought that I don’t think they are doing a lot of this consciously. I think some of it is poor communication skills, they are dismissive and I’m not sure what that’s about, and some of it is just laziness/not wanting to address thing. For example if they ask about me they could be worried I’d say I’m not ok or I needed something from them (I wouldn’t say this, but they could think I would) and they might have to then ‘deal’ with something/help me. I don’t know / clutching at straws I guess!

I dont understand how grandparents can’t love their grandson either. What s special prize grandchildren are. These parents sound horribly manipulative and obviously dislike their daughter making them grandparents!! Odd folk!! You were right to return the present...they broke your rules. I wouldnt contaminated ate your son with them...they sound toxic. You sound like an excellent mum..... I know my daughter is so much better a parent than I ever was and I’m immensely proud of her and tell her often how i feel. I think your parents may come around to their grandchild ....but only when they get their heads out of their ‘you-know-what’.

How heart breaking for you. It looks as if you're doing everything to keep things on an even keel. Some people might say there are two sides to every relationship but I have found from personal experience that this is not always the case. How about 'distancing' yourself a little. Not too much as this will impact the relationship your sone might have with them but don't let them treat you as they have been doing - if you let people treat you badly, they will!. Next time something is said that upsets you just say' I'm sorry you feel this way as I find what you've said very upsetting"It sounds like none of you can communicate, including you as you have put up with this. As far as the earrings are concerned, taking them back might make matters worse. instead ring up and thank them for them and say that you are sorry you missed them and it would have been nice to see them.

allthe glitterglue Excellent advice...I really hope that it helps you Strawberry Shortcake

I’m both a Grandma and the daughter of parents who are a lot like yours @StrawberryShortcake.

As I was reading your OP I was thinking ‘yep, yes, yes, yep’.

Unless you are the child of manipulative or disinterested parents I think it’s difficult to understand how it feels to be on the receiving end of it yourself. Summer bank holidays used to be the worst for me, I could hear happy families enjoying their time together and I never had that. If you don’t have a harmonious family you see happy families everywhere.

The ‘but we paid for x, y, z so we expect you to...’ absolutely resonates with me.

I’ve moved on from the way you feel now, many of my suggestions reiterate the excellent advice you’ve been given.

It’s perfectly reasonable to expect that your parents would say kind things to you. Unfortunately, those aren’t the parents you’ve got. Find a way to accept that, it will help.

Now that I’ve paid for my own children through University I do not consider that they should demonstrate eternal gratitude to me for it, paying for your children’s education is just parenting.

You are already doing this but distance yourself from them, look after yourself. When you do have to see them try not to see them at their house, in my experience they will feel able to be at their worst there.

Stop yourself from hoping and giving, you can’t change them, you can only change your reaction to them. Decide on your boundaries, make them and keep them.

Their criticisms of your parenting are a nonsense, take all of the proper advice on board but you know your own son. They’ve had their chance at having small children, this is your son, you know if he is tired and needs to be in bed.

Choose your boundaries and stick to them, for your own sanity. They are looking after themselves. You have to look after you.

It sounds as though you, DH and DS make a lovely family. Enjoy what you have and focus on that.

Back off and stop torturing yourself. If who you are is not enough for them, then be yourself and leave them to it. We don't owe our parents anything. It sounds as if they think you are patheticvfor trying too hard. Enjoy your life without them then maybe they will come around.

Could they be jealous of you having your own warm and loving family now? You said you used to be close so perhaps they feel they have lost their own little girl. Just go for it and give them a hug each next time you see them. Everybody likes to be liked! X

I do not how old the parents/ grandparents are but there are often generational differences in ideas and beliefs on how to bring up children/ run a household which rises to the surface when married, and then
when grandchildrenn arrive and family dynamics change.

I was brought up strictly, essentials all provided for but no expensive gestures, and no hugs or kisses at all. My parents never ever praised anything I did, it was not their way. Nor was I ever able to ask for any help or support when I needed it, for fear of rejection which would have followed the inevitable refusal. My mum often gave me unwanted advice and did not agree with how I raised and, possibly indulged, my children.

I would have like to have changed the relationship but it takes both sides to adjust. Don't make yourself sad by overthinking this and expecting more emotionally than your parents can do. This is wasted energy that should be channelled into the happy parts of your life. Lighten up the mood when you see them, have the odd chat on the phone, and don't take everything that isn't actually said as a negative.

She said her son was their first grandchild, I took it to mean that the issues began after her third son was born.
I was never close to my dad @Strawberryshortcake but he always praised me. I hated it. He came to live with me when he was unable to look after himself, it was the worst three years of my life. He was spiteful and unpleasant about everyone but mostly women we knew. I found out stuff about him that confirmed my lifelong distance from him. I am writing a book about it as therapy. My advice would be to question why you feel such a need for their approval? You don’t need it. Has it occurred to you that they may be jealous of your happy life? A relationship with parents is much like any other relationship, if you’re not getting what you need from it the answer is to end it I’m afraid.

Hello Strawberry Shortcake. I can feel your pain. One thing I do know is that you must not let your deep unhappiness regarding your relationship with your parents affect your life with your husband and your son. I know that you already put them first but you must enjoy what you currently have.

People and relationships generally are so complex, I’d only be guessing. But my guess is that they still want to treat you as their little girl whom they could once control, not the adult you are.

I can’t solve all the difficulties that have occurred in my family/extended family, so I have gone for acceptance of heartbreaking situations. I have also lowered my expectations of others.

I’m not sure that this helps but you wanted an older person’s perspective. (I’m 71)

Be good to yourself, lots of love xx

Some very good points here already but just add a bit for consideration.

Your parents are different to you and they behave differently to you.

I understand that those differences are hurting you. How to lessen the hurt is the key.

1) I agree change your counsellor.

2) Your DS is 3.

When we have children we Can (not must or should) Re-Do some of our own childhood. We can find gaps from our own early child experiences resurfacing. I would suggest you do some research around this and see if there is anything there that you can now take care of to meet any unmet Needs in your own development. If you think there is something in this for you I would strongly suggest finding a good therapist if you want to embark on work.

3) I agree with building your own sense of self worth. Have confidence in your own ability as a person and as a parent.

4) Look at ways you set yourself and others up to let you down AND then change that - fast.

5) Accept that you want 2 "Other People" ( your parents ) to relate to you in ways that work for you. I get that but ...

What's real is you have is 2 other people relating to you in ways that are the BEST ways they figured out to be/survive/ relate in the world. They didn't arrive at this time in their lives or your life with a perfect way of being your parents.

They are who they are doing the best they can with what life, their families, their pain, their fears, their worries, their hopes and sadness, their skills, their joys has given them to get through their life with. Same as the rest of us - you included OP.

Accept that they don't relate to 1) themselves the way you do 2) others the way you do 3) to you the way you want them to 4) the way you relate to your child.

I suspect - out of awareness - they are giving you the things in life they wanted and never got. The financial support, the Material things. Support to go to Uni, to have the weeding you had ( I understand your contributed to both) did your contribution make the feel it was a team effort or that their effort alone wasn't enough ??? Who knows.

6) Ask yourself, really consider, may be they feel uncomfortable with the your Emotional, Nurturing, Calm, Caring approach to parenting. Either because it's different to how they parented and they don't relate to you that way, they could feel judged and criticised

7) If you think you are being a "Good Enough" parent (good enough is often as good as it gets as a parent) then take any compliments (strokes) when you get them - we all need them sometimes.

8) Do Not go Hunting for strokes in places you already know you won't find them. You are only setting yourself and the "Other" up to fail. Change that and change it now.

9) Look at what they do try to do. I understand about the 'Boundary" you set around presents from your parents but have you considered that you are preventing them from showing you How they show Value ?

It may just be them giving you something that later gives them a stick to be you with, I can't call it but I think if you take the time to sort out the distinction you will be able to separate it out.

10) Their referring back to past financial/material things and wanting gratitude could be - only could be - more to do about them feeling "Not Good Enough" than it is about them wanting you to feel 'Small and Indebted". They are Your parents, you know their back history.

I don't know what the distinctions are, it will take work. Start with getting your view clearer, are they Narcissist ? Are they relating to you in the best way they know how ?

I get that their way does not work for you - it does not give you what you want from them - so stop asking them to be mountaineers and being hurt when they can't climb the mountain to get you what you want.

I get that you Do Not get what you want from your parents, you Don't get your Needs met. That is painful. Work out How can you get your Needs met? Work out from whom do you get your needs met?

Are your parents inherently Wrong in the way they relate to you ? Or is there way of relating Wrong for you? Well their way of relating and valuing is clearly Wrong for You. You are hurting and that is sad.

We can not change other people but we can change how we "Think" about those people and their behaviour. We can change how much Time and Energy we put into Thinking and Feeling about relationships and situations in our lives.

You have lots of opportunities in your relationship with your parents that you can change to make your life better.

Finally get a diary and go through how much of your Time you spend with your parent every day, week, month year. Then how much time you spend being hurt, angry, sad about How you think your parents are and then How much Time you spend finding out Who your parents really are.

Once you can see that written down you can CHOOSE what you do with Your Time, Thoughts, Energy, and Feelings.

Most importantly Keep yourself Safe, get yourself some good support, while you go through this trying time. Good Luck

The point that was made, about you now being no longer their ‘little girl’ is a good one. You are an only child, and their lives have been focussed on you. It sounds as though they find it hard to show emotions physically, so have done so by being providers instead.
Now you have different priorities in your life, and they have been pushed out of the spotlight. Resentment has probably crept in, no matter how unreasonable that may be. Your husband and son have taken over their place in your life, so they are feeling a little jealous, and showing it by giving you the ‘cold shoulder’.
Have you considered writing to them, telling them that you still love them, and want them to be part of your lives? Explain how their treatment makes you feel. Ask if there is anything you have done, or not done, to upset them. Also ask if they really enjoy coming to you for Christmas, as you feel that they don’t enjoy it. Would they prefer to stay at home?
Make it clear that you love them, want a happy relationship with them, and want to find ways to get along better.
Some people aren’t good at communicating. That will probably never change. Writing down how you feel about their behaviour will at least give them the chance to mull over their behaviour before you speak to them again. You don’t need to refer to the letter. Just tell them how nice it is to see them again, and see how it goes.
I hope that things improve for you. At the end of the day, you have your own happy family, and shouldn’t let the situation with your parents cloud that.

Thank you @crazygranny and @Jillybird, you are both very kind and Jillybird I’m so sorry to hear how your mother treated you. That must be very hard

To everyone I have missed, thank you for your input and suggestions, it’s really has been helpful

I agree with everything BlueBelle says. My DM, and DF for that matter, never once gave me a word of praise or a compliment and I never expected or lamented it. However, I never doubted for one minute, although it was never said, that they loved me. They were a product of their background just as your parents are, and you can surely not doubt that they love you. They are not you, why do you want them to behave like you? You said you stopped gifts to encourage them to see you on your birthday, but you didn't tell them that, or that you'd prefer a card to a present. Why didn't you just invite them over? With all this drama, perhaps your parents think you don't want to see them. It seems that communication is difficult both ways and, to be honest, they sound frightened of upsetting you, despite the shouting. Try to talk to them about everyday things, invite them on your birthday if you want to see them and don't expect them to be mind readers. Perhaps try not to tell them how they disappoint you and try to see things from their perspective a bit, then the relationship might improve. Maybe you can pull back from all the introspection, treat them as you would friends, and accept them as they are. If their behaviour truly upsets you, see them less.

You might need to start a different thread for that JaneRn

I really feel for you, I tried and tried for years and never did find a solution that protected my mental health while staying in the relationship.

There's some great advice here about enforcing boundaries but the one that struck me the most was allowing yourself to grieve the parents you needed and accept the parents you have.

There is low contact rather than estrangement and grey rock to protect yourself from giving parents ammunition against you (sorry if these have been mentioned). Both can be explained by Google much better than I can.

I just want you to know, you are not alone and your feelings are valid and understandable.

So much sadness on these pages. Could we hear more from those who have or have had loving close relationships with all their family? I will except mother-in-law from my list who was one of the most unpleasant, devious people I have ever known and would have been super happy if she had managed to break up our marriage. Fortunately, her son saw through it!

Dear, dear me!

You cannot change a relationship unless the others in it want to change it too.

From what you say, it sounds as if your mum and dad won't change.

I would stop worrying if possible.

As far as Christmas goes, suggest they stay at home this year, as they obviously do not enjoy being at your house, or better, simply make other arrangements - go away yourselves for Christmas.

I think you are both digging your heels in and refusing to compromise on anything. Seems like mostly little things too! You all sound quite alike! There often comes a time in relationships of any kind that someone has to step back and give way unless it is over something major or important. Little things such as you mention are really not worth bothering about - it’s difficult to suggest any positive way forward since neither side would appear to understand how minor all these self inflicted troubles are. Maybe do some voluntary work to help get a perspective on your own situation.

I think your parents find you very difficult and don’t know how to behave around you. I think you need to lighten up and stop overthinking everything.
You should have kept the earrings (good manners to) and just thanked them instead of making them feel uncomfortable.

I think you might be looking down your nose a bit at your parents. My guess is that neither of them have had a University education and you see yourself as being better than them, smarter than them.

Cut them some slack and let them enjoy their only grandchild.

You did ask!

There is a power struggle going on between you and your parents. This is a normal right of passage but has been rather delayed in your family and was triggered when you became a parent yourself in early middle age. You were close and all got on well until now because they were still the parents and you were the child that met their needs. They are finding it hard to give this up. Your mother tries to exercise control by shouting and crying and at times lying. Your father tries to exercise control by silent withdrawal. Your attempt to control when your own child should sleep, eat etc is undermined with eye rolling. Gift giving symbolises power over you. It requires gratitude. Which you understand because you try to ban gifts to try to free yourself. But they won’t accept you being free in this way. Hence the expensive earrings. You have to fight all this for your right to be your own person, You are still looking for their approval. Which is natural in a child. And is not unreasonable in an adult. But they are not dealing well with the loss of their own child -you -which has unfortunately been triggered for them by the birth of their grandchild. You need to become less dependent on their approval and stop looking for it and needing it. Don’t give them power in your own head and thoughts. I am sure they love you and you love them. They may be afraid of the loss of your love now you have your own child to love. They may be quite child like and insecure themselves. Cutting off from them entirely, which some people here recommend, would be a strong move and completely reverse the power dynamics. It might force them to come round. But it is very extreme behaviour. So painful and difficult for you all and it might not work and you could become permanently alienated which I think would be hard for you to deal with for the rest of your life. I would try becoming more assertive rather than cutting them off completely. Not so much in your actions. But in how you think and feel about what is happening. Be firm. But as kind as you can be. Don’t let them pull your strings or let them upset you or control your actions. Good luck.