Devastated for Son

Jeez @Jinty44 how judgemental - the d-i-l has hardly been a SAHM for 34 years if there are no children at home (and haven't been for a while if they are all married with family) - she could have easily got a job once the children were old enough (many many do!) and still could now.

He needs a solicitor and time, rashly offering things when emotionally devastated may be regretted later. Hopefully he has at least one good friend too.

When he finds a solicitor he needs to go in with all the facts and financial figures, bank accounts etc. He needs to avoid using the solicitor as a counsellor at £200 + an hour that is not their job and can rack up the bill. It would be understandable that he will want to talk about his situation but better he does that with you or friends. Hugs to all of you

To find a good solicitor ask around. It's what I did. Mines not cheap but he's good and can be ruthless if needed. I've been married longer than your son and my stbxh told me I was getting nothing! I think his solicitor put him straight on that as he now realises that although I may not have earned as much as him the housekeeping, laundry, childcare etc counted as well as my salary. Your son needs to toughen up and make sure he gets his fair share as well and not be too hasty in offering the house, which could be offset against the businesses if he wants to keep those.

Never tell anyone can they have blah, blah.
You get a divorce lawyer and they will divide up the assets.

It is definitely worth paying a solicitor For an consultation. I paid £100 For one hours worth and went in with all our assets listed in a spreadsheet including my pension etc. The advice I got was very sound Including whether my potential grounds were reasonable and also The discussion and potential actions were put in writing afterwards. Because Lockdown is such a strange situation I have not made any decisions as yet but am very glad I took advice. I have been married for 33 years!

When I got divorced I was recommended a solicitor by my daughter's friend's parents who had divorced a few years earlier. Both recommended her, the one who instructed her as well as the one who lost out as a result! I was lucky that, after delaying things for a few years preventing me from getting the divorce when I wanted it, my ex eventually decided he wanted a divorce. At that point I was able to negotiate a good deal as he was moving abroad to work. I would have done much worse if I'd forced the divorce earlier as solicitors costs would have been higher as he wanted to slow things. If an agreement can be reached without too much animosity the solicitors fees will be much lower. Advice about probable entitlement should be sought so that a reasonable offer can be made. This will save a lot of costs if both parties can be reasonable.

If the businesses have been badly affected by Covid19 I'm sure that will be taken into account, and if the house is mortgage free she can't expect to keep it and still get half of everything else too!

I cannot stress this enough - GET A GOOD SOLICITOR! Your son and his wife need to understand that division of assets when there are no children to maintain needs to be fair and equitable and clean break (that means his wife takes 50% of debts as well as assets!) - your son won't see the wood for the trees at the moment which is exactly why he needs someone knowledgeable to protect his interests - he probably doesn't care now (he's grieving for a dead marriage) but he will eventually and he'll need the finances to move forward. Good luck to him - I hope he finds future happiness

I realise this will sound unsympathetic, but what she is asking for is what she is legally entitled to. Half of the joint assets is the starting point.

In fact, she could be taking a financial hit by taking half of a struggling business (is that what is mortgaged since you say the house is mortgage-free?) and half the house and half his pension - rather than a mortgage-free house which sounds as if it will be very sellable.

And as for "She's never had a job" they had four children. Her being a SAHM is what allowed your son to work. It was a joint enterprise. Don't look down your nose at her work in that enterprise being unpaid. (You may not be doing that, but your words are open to that interpretation.)

"I can see he probably did neglect her needs, and he didn't help in the house enough and like a lot of men thought providing money was showing his love so she missed out on companionship."
And she's had 34 years of that. 34 years of giving emotional support and getting none.

I'm sorry to sound so hard-hearted, he is your son and you love him - but this is a self-inflicted wound he's now suffering, one that he's had 34 years to avoid, 34 years to put right.

Finding a good solicitor is not straightforward if you have no friends or family with direct positive experience.
Start by looking at websites for solicitors' firms who specialize in family law. Then ring a few as you will often get a real "feel" for the firm from that first call.
If you can afford to do it, have an initial interview with at least two different solicitors in different firms, giving them exactly the same information. Most will offer a discounted first appointment and you will know from that interview whether you have found someone who appears to know what they're doing and who talks to you as you would want.
Provided it is not a quick free appointment, you should expect from that interview comprehensive advice about likely outcomes and costs, next steps and how to keep things as non-confrontational as possible. You never stop being parents whatever the age of your children and coming out of the process at least on civil terms helps the pain.
Paying for advice from at least two solicitors at this stage is money very well spent when you consider the costs you are going to incur. Changing solicitors later on can have all sorts of tactical and costs implications so you need to get the right one from the start.

Agree with all the points already raised about getting a good/recommended solicitor experienced in matrimonial law.
.Have been through a fairly similar situation and got the T shirt. Now, twenty years on, have reasonably good relationship with ex. With hindsight, could have been better sooner if mediation had been available and/or counselling/Relate. Not to patch up the marriage. Rather, to come to a better understanding of each other's point of view - and to be encouraged and supported (by a professional who has no axe to grind) to treat each other fairly during what will be a complex and difficult process.
Try not to get bitter, if at all possible. That will only hurt you.

Chewbacca's posts are correct ExD everything goes into the pot to begin with and then it's worked out from there. If your d.i.l. has a private pension that will also be taken into account.

Your son needs legal advise asap. It could be the case when everything is looked into thoroughly that the matrimonial home would need to be sold or if your d.i.l. wants to keep hold of it, she may have to buy your son out of his share.

Accepting the house which is mortgage free and then saying she wants half his business, half his private and half of his state pension which she's not entitled too, sounds very unreasonable.

I hope it works out well for your son ExD, but will cause a lot of sleepless nights I'm sure.

If you don't know of/have recommendations for a solicitor, the law society has a database of solicitors (just Google 'law society find a solicitor') and you can select family law practitioners and location. There is also a lot of information on the Citizens Advice website.

Hi, it's always horrible when this happens but, as others have said, he must get a good solicitor. She won't be entitled to any of his State Pension though, that just sounds really vindictive.

How do you find a good lawyer someone asked. When I needed one I asked friends who had first hand experience with good ones

BUT ,he's not "giving" her anything apart froma HUGE mortgage if all she gets is the house.33 YEARS is a long marriage ,no doubt she raised the children,probably worked too and contributed to the building of "his" business .She must be compensated for that surely ?
JulieMM do you think your family member shouldn't pay to support his child ? Sadly thats how many men think ,they leave the ex with all the child care and expense and swan off an dstart another family !

The house is mortgage free, as of last year - its a big 4 bed, 2 bath renovated farmhouse (lovely, I really envied it ), but the cafes have been struggling this year. He was (is) spending a lot of time getting regulations in place.
She's never had a job but did cover when staff were off sick or they needed help in the kitchens or waiting on.
The accounts for last year (the only full year available) show a healthy profit, but of course most of it has been wiped out by covid now, although that won't show when assets are added up.
I sound mercenary when really I'm more concerned that my son has suddenly changed from this confident business man to a feeble wreck. He is nearly 60, and they have been married 34 years.
Its emotional support he needs because he's not fighting, he's lost his get up and go. I can see he probably did neglect her needs, and he didn't help in the house enough and like a lot of men thought providing money was showing his love so she missed out on companionship.
What a mess.

He definitely needs to speak with a solicitor but also they could try counselling? It's been a frequent joke that divorce solicitors will do a roaring trade when lockdown ends but there's a lot of truth in it. After almost 4 months of working at home with my husband I'm at the stage of fantasising about leaving him every day - working out what we'd get for the house etc. All his little habits have been magnified and he is actually driving me mad. But I'm trying to be sensible. These are strange times with a lot of pressure on many of us. I'm certainly not going to do anything in a hurry.

Everything that is his, and everything that is here goes into the marital ' pot ' regardless of who worked fulltime/earned the money/owns the business . Marriage is a joint enterprise.

Whatever the law, I think it’s so unfair that even though it’s the wife who wants the divorce the husband seems to have to give so much to her. With children grown and settled why on earth should she have the right to a share of his pensions?
We are going through this with a family member - decree nisi was through more than a year ago but his (nearly) ex is determined to fight for his pensions while refusing to go to work or allow him to see his 12 year old child whom he has supported by paying more than half as much again of what the court decreed.
I really feel for your son. By the sound of things he has a good mum to talk to and hopefully as the children are adults he can still be involved in their worlds as much as he ever has. All the best.

She is only entitled to half.

That has recently changed and is no longer strictly the case. Factors such as earning capacity, age of both of you, number of working years left etc are taken in to account now.

Very often, in order to make a clean break, the various pensions can be left untouched and the other assets split more favourably to the other person. However if the house has a big mortgage on it, it is unlikely your son will be able to do that.
It is in your son's best interests to agree this as quickly as possible because if your DIL runs up credit cards, etc, they can be taken into account too. The courts will look at assets less liabilities so if your son has debts against the business, then these are taken into account so, in the end, it works out fairly based on a lengthy marriage.

Sorry posted early. She is only entitled to half. What makes her think she is allowed more.

Information I received from my solicitor when I did this was as follows.
Draw a big pot. Everything of his and hers then goes in the pot. It is then split 50/50. She can’t walk away with everything.