Moving away from family

Unusual username, Neutrino

Note the very significant difference in literary style between Morley58 and Neutrino.

Oopsadaisy and Callistemon.

If you have to make a choice, your family comes first. As your husband has already bought another house I think perhaps he should go and live in it and you should visit once a month or so for a week. This would give him time to set up a life for himself and when you join him time to do joint activities with you and no need to mention your family as you have 3 weeks a month at your present house to visit them. After a time you will hopefully find your way through this relationship. In the long run I do not think moving away from supportive and friendly family members is a good thing to do.

Hope you find a solution. All the best.

Oopsadaisy yes.

Strange word, isn't it, controlling
If you look at the syllables separately.

And we hear no more from our OP........dear reader.

Yet again.

I hope you are ok today Morley. I’m thinking that yesterday may have been very difficult.

I don’t buy the Mr Reasonable image either.

Sorry, but it’s totally out of order to snoop at what your wife has been looking at online and then join GransNet in order to post your point of view and in the process write disparaging things about your wife. This seems like controlling behaviour to me Neutrino and you also come over as extremely selfish.

Not only does it seem that you trying to control your wife, you are also trying to control the responses to your post. I don’t find you reasonable at all. If you were my husband, I’d run a mile.

However you’re not, so if you still love one another please get some professional help.

One day per week seeing your family Morley is not excessive at all, but I do totally understand the feeling of being excluded. But as a step parent myself, I just feel you have to accept your secondary role Neutrino. The children come first. If you have lots of friends Neutrino, surely you can spare Morley for one day per week while you pursue your own interests? Or make an effort and join in, but fun always centres around what young Grandchildren want to do, not what the adults prefer.

Well said Calistemon, FarNorth and Kryptonite.

I sincerely hope you can both sort this out.

Morley ?

"Having seen my wife looking on Gransnet such a lot, my curiosity was piqued so I did a quick search."

Why would you do that?
Wouldn't it be normal to think that she's talking to other Grans about the grandchildren, rather than to start snooping?
And to feel glad she's talking to Grans online instead of boring her husband (as he sees it)?

I'm definitely not buying the Mr Reasonable image.

The fact that he was peering at what Morley was doing online then joined GN to respond to her post would be enough to give me the creeps.

Let him go, let him go

Sorry but I think your husband sounds very selfish. Fair enough he moved with you to give it a go and doesn’t like it which is fair enough but surely the right thing to do would be discuss the issues and find a solution , a compromise not secretly buy a house and give you an ultimatum That seems very controlling . I too live a long way from my family and grandchild so understand how hard it is when you miss out on seeing them but he’s making you choose between him and them and I think that’s an awful thing to do and no one should put you in that position . If he wanted to live back in the country he could of found somewhere nearer to where you are and that would of solved the issue , sounds to be like he wants to isolate you, i hope you manage to find a solution, take care.

Merely morely

I suppose we could ask how it's possible that merely didn't notice her husband's activities.
Too busy with her family, perhaps?

By buying a house so far away, without even mentioning it to Morley58, it seems this man is not interested in any kind of compromise.
Obviously there is more to it, as Morley said, but going on the posts they have both made, I'd say Morley would be well shot of him if he moves away.

He bought a house without telling you that does not sound like a good marriage to me , I would have been extremely angry.

It seems to me that your family are your world and you have no other interests, that you visit once a week and then spend the rest of your time planning your next. My husband is also my 2nd and has never been married and never had any children, but we get on just fine. We have our own lives together doing things without my family but on the same score I meet up with my son about once a week or two and have a coffee out and a chat. Sometimes Mr B comes with me, sometimes not. I can see his point of view, not only has he moved to an area he hates but also the rest of your family have taken over. If you moved you could then arrange to go to your family say once a month and stay a few days. Its worth a try if you want your marriage to work.

welbeck

bit of a drip feed there.
i think that house speaks for itself.

Exactly. Who just goes and buys a house, without telling their wife?

If this is the way you both communicate there's no hope really, is there!

Morley58 It looks as though your marriage is reaching its end as the dilemma is insoluble for one of you and then how do you live with that. Your OH moved from a country existence to a concrete jungle to please you but frankly as he has no children of his own, he had no idea of the reality of family life. Seeing your gc once a week is not a lot and frankly he sounds a bit precious. But it's worse than that in his mind as he thinks you're always talking about them and have lost interest in him and if he told you of his unhappiness a year ago and you didn't take steps to talk this through properly then you have lost interest in him. Maybe if you ask him what the ideal life for him would look like you will learn something. If it's all about you and him then you have married each other under false pretences as he knew you were a mum of three with the potential for gc, and you on the other hand knew that he had no experience of family life and would find it hard to leave his country existence and move to a concrete jungle where he feels sidelined because you apparently organise your life around your children and gc. Is this true? Do you go out together at the weekends and other weekdays, do you do things together? If so, then he's simply a selfish man. You have a choice to make.

Chewbacca

I love Gransnet

And I should have rtft!!

If it's his first marriage then I take it he has no children of his own so can't understand that bond or family life.

Seeing them once a week or fortnight is not excessive but perhaps you could both have forged a social life together in the new area, or each joined activities there. He sounds as if he hasn't settled at all and it must be quite different living near a big city to living in the countryside.

You can spend more time together as a couple without separating yourself from your family, which sounds quite drastic. Is there any nice countryside a little way from where you live now where you could move to?
I can understand him being unhappy living somewhere he hates so much.

I must admit, that seems to me rather a betrayal that he has bought a house without consulting you., it must be upsetting.

It sounds as if you both need to compromise if you want your marriage to continue.

Kryptonite sums it up so well.

Libman 100% agree. Husband is trying to justify himself and if I were morley I would be feeling so humiliated right now. His reply brings to mind something my ex husband did years ago and it makes me feel quite nauseous. It feels wrong and it feels like controlling behaviour to me. I'm sorry if other posters disagree with that but that's my gut feeling. I just wonder how Morley feels about this muscling in on the forum she has turned to for help.

It's narcissistic and sociopathic. I have some brothers just like this. It is truly horrible and disturbing. Just asked my husband if he'd do such a thing. No, he says. It's controlling. What sort of person spies on his wife then joins a forum thinking he will persuade others to his viewpoint. But of course, he has managed to do just this with his well written account, flattering us as 'good people'. The techniques are all there in the writing. So easy to be convinced. It's clear his family and wife's family don't like him. I don't like my brothers. They don't care about anyone's feelings but their own. They scare me and I avoid them.

"Spend too much time talking to and about, and seeing my family".
Says it all really, so there's your answer, sorry.

Libman I too found it disturbing. Absolutely classic example of gaslighting. But oh so plausible...........