Moving away from family

I only ever had the one marriage but I'm naive enough to wonder what kind of relationship under the heading of marriage affords one to buy a house without the other partner knowing. Blimey! Of course, I've heard of the more modern practice of separate bank accounts but, a house? Even if he did anticipate luring you away, are you to have no say in the location, style or decor of this dwelling? I'm certainly no expert but this sounds very cold, uncaring and indifferent. His one redeeming feature is that he was willing to give moving closer to your family a go. He can't be all bad. Very difficult for you but at least you have choices. Hope you manage to achieve an outcome which makes you happy.

Totally on his side actually.
One life to live, and he wants to live it with you, not as a spare you-know-what-at-a-wedding.
The other house etc, points to a very unhappy individual.
You really really need to sit down and talk/get couples counselling to resolve this.
I am surprised that you are "devestated", and echo WELBEK's comments.

Do you love him ? If not just sort the finances and say goodbye. Life is definitely too short.

Morley58 I really do feel for you as you are in an awful situation. However, I can't get past the fact that he bought another property and renovated it without telling you! Did you never wonder where he was spending his time and what he was doing? It seems you have some big decisions to make about your future. I wish you well.

I am sure that your husband could have found somewhere nearer than 200 miles away. He knew that you had moved to be closer to your family because you missed them so much but now he is saying he wants you to move far away. Your happiness isn't at the top of his mind, his is the one that counts. Yes, he has tried but it does seem that there is a lack of compromise overall (maybe from both of you) and a complete incompatibility of values when it comes to family.
His neediness, his willingness to go behind your back and his ultimatum that he goes with you or alone all ring alarm bells to me. My husband isn't as family orientated as I am. As an only child with few relatives, he really doesn't get sibling relationships or wider relationships and certainly doesn't want to spend his life visiting relatives but he is more than happy for me to do so. We have a balance because I enjoy his company enough to want to spend a lot of my time with him. Can you say that about your husband?
It sounds like you are at a crossroads and only you can determine whether he is worth such a huge sacrifice. Personally, it would be a definite no from me although I would be prepared to compromise.

Wow buying a house without telling you, that’s a biggie! We aren’t talking about a small thing here, sounds as though he really has had enough if he’s renovating it and says he will move in with or without you,

To me, one partner dictating to the other about who they may or may not see is a massive red flag. Whether it is family, friends or whomever - unless there is a genuine reason why seeing them is harmful it should be up to you if you see them or not. Nobody would stop me from seeing my children, and I would struggle to love anyone who wanted to try.

The question of how often is one that you and your husband need to discuss, though. As 52Bright points out, it is not really clear whether you are seeing each of your daughters separately once a week, or spending one day a week in total with them. If it's the former it does, I think, make a difference. Not to whether or not you should see them, but to how much time you and your husband have together.

I would not be happy if my husband bought a house miles away from me. Doing so would make a massive dent in our shared finances, however, so it would be a dealbreaker for me, and I wouldn't dream of spending that sort of money without discussing it with him either. Maybe if you and your husband have enough spare cash to absorb expenditure like that you see it differently, though.

Even so, the distance involved, and the fact that a house is to live in is important - it's not just the money, it's the fact that he is buying somewhere to live in without you.

It does sound as though you have very separate lives, financially, emotionally and geographically. How do you feel about him? That hasn't really been discussed. If he did leave, how would you feel about it, and would you be ok financially?

Hi
As hard as it maybe i would let him go. Family i feel comes first .the fact he bought a house without telling you i think is wrong. Be happy with your family dont move and leave them sounds like coersive control be careful sounds like your not happy he us trying to isolate you. Hes a man not a child acting up. Also once a week is nothin he has the issues not you. Take care hope you sort it

I think the answer is in the first part of your post. It’s his first marriage late on in life. He obviously in my opinion is bad at forming close relationships. ( I have a poor opinion of a lot of men) I think he married you to have someone look after him in his old age. He should have tried to embrace family life but clearly haven’t and now resents it.
I personally would get out whilst you are still young enough to enjoy the rest of you life and family.
Sorry if that sounds harsh.

Could it be not so much the time spent with your family but your constant talking about them to the exclusion of him and other things?

IMO he’s being very unreasonable in expecting you to concentrate on him, and give up most of the contact you have with your own family. Especially if you only see them once a week!
It does seems incredibly selfish on his part. If he needs to live in a quieter area, isn’t there somewhere a lot closer than 200 miles away?
TBH I wouldn’t do it - I couldn’t give up my own family to that extent. I’d ditch him (and probably get a dog instead.)

However all this really resonated with me, since a close friend had similar with her (now deceased) dh. It was a 2nd marriage for both, he’d never had children, she had 2 a long way away.)

He really resented the little enough time she spent with her children and grandchildren - to him her place was with him, catering to his every want and need. He would sulk massively on her return, to ‘serve her right’.
He was a very selfish and self centred man.
She has since moved close to her own family and is very happy.

My 2nd marriage was like this. He wanted it to be just the 2 of us. No one else. Particularly no family didn't like me having friends going out without him. Controlling. In secure. Jealous. Manipulative. All these words come to mind. Others have mentioned these solutions counselling relate etc . If you've tried these then you have to put yourself and your happiness first. I was 58 when l left him. Scary and difficult to start again in later life. It's a bonus if you have family and good friends to help you before you lose them. I hope you make the right decision for your mental and physical well-being.

He obviously sees his future/ retirement with you doing things together making plans together. And as he’s not family orientated he didn’t anticipate he would have to share you with your family. What do you do together when your not seeing your family? Do you share things together or go places together, or are you just sitting around waiting till you next see your family. Could you not move to more rural area where you are now, why does it have to be back where you came from. I think some compromise has to be had on both sides. You shouldn’t have to choose,but he wants a life with you away from family, so somehow you have to work out how to put this in place.

Morley58I am in a second marriage for over thirty years but we both had children and now grandchildren. Your husband has only this marriage so he has no experience with children nor does he know what it means to have them and grandchildren. He sounds possessive and wants you all to himself like a child. No way would I move from my family. Why do you have to give them up? He needs to learn to share like he was taught at five years old. He could embrace your family and be a part of it.
You can have the best of both worlds family and husband. He sounds very immature I’m sorry. He knew you gave a family before you married. I would not move or if I did it would be in the same area but away from traffic.

I truly don't understand this couples-exclusivity thing. Couples have to make contingency plans for one dying first. Living in the back of beyond as a widow 200 miles from family is not a plan.
I understand this husband has lived his adult life getting his own way. He isn't going to change. Can he be negotiated with? Can both houses be sold and a quieter area found?
Imo when we retire, these things have to be considered.

Marriage is a compromise, and both of your happiness is equally important, so if you do move 200 ml away, you will be unhappy. Mediation may be the way forward, but if he won’t budge, it’s a big decision for you. Would you stay with someone who is all about him ? Only you can answer that.

When you marry someone knowing they have a family, you accept that you will be sharing your spouse with the extended family.
MM has to distance Prince Harry from his family and it sounds as if your DH is trying to do the same.
If he is not prepared to give and take then perhaps he would be better off 200 miles away in a house he thought it was okay to buy on the quiet.

Obviously I don't know you Morley and I wish you well in this difficult situation, but I do have several friends who think and talk endlessly about their families to the exclusion of almost any other topic. This can get tedious, even for friends, and I do have some sympathy for men who have not had children of their own and really struggle to adapt to a second relationship involving a family once the initial glow has worn off. I don't think this is necessarily 'needy', he has made it clear that he is unhappy and going to the extent of setting up another house for himself shows that he is fairly desperate. I don't know if there is any chance of a compromise, but try to look at it from the opposite point of view... the misery of women whose partners are obsessed with their motor bikes, gardens or even their jobs and talk and think about not much else!

Let him go
Move on

To be quite honest, why did you marry him in the first place?
You were married before and have a family from that - he hadn't and you expected him to just slot into your life at your convenience? Hardly fair is it?
You got your way, moved closer to your family and do nothing but run your life around them, to the point of excluding him from any social contact with them and you are surprised that he is unhappy and feels used and unwanted?
You complain that you only see your family only a couple of times a week - what do you do the rest of the week? Has it never occurred to you to go out with your husband on the other days, even if it is just out for a meal, or a walk, or when possible to something that he is interested in.
If you want your marriage to continue, you need to involve him in your family and also, is it not possible to move to somewhere that is still within reach of your family, but in a less built up area? All very well to suggest counselling - but both of you need to want to make the changes to make your relationship work, not just go to a few appointments and carry on as you were before.

Where is HIS family in all this?

Has the fact that you have moved to be near your family resulted in him being isolated from his? I've seen this so often - the wife concentrates on HER family whilst the husband's gets neglected.
He did say, a year ago, that he wasn't happy - you really must think this over calmly and reach a compromise.

You say there is more that you can’t say here. It very much sounds as if he wants out. If he’s been buying and renovating a house he obviously doesn’t include you in his plans. It takes ages to renovate a house. When has he been doing it? Have you not wondered where he’s been? It’s second time round for me and sometimes my DH opts out of my family gatherings. But then there’s other times he looks after GC all in his own. I think the thing missing here is communication and compromise. If he’s not up for counselling then maybe you are better on your own with your family. .

What an absolutely awful situation, let me check I have this right...? A long term bachelor marries a vibrant, family-orientated lady, they live in isolation for 8 years, finally move to be nearer family-orientated lady's family, long-term bachelor continues to isolate against said family, doesn't have any outside interests, begrudges family-orientated lady even thinking about family let alone seeing them once a week, secretly purchases another isolated home and still states he's not happy? Hmmmmm...

I’m with you, what a horrible choice !

I see my dd and gc who live an hour and a half drive away every couple of weeks, but I chat andWhatsApp my dd all the time, and my local dd also - WhatsApp phone calls drop ins. They are my kids, my second husband of 25 years didn’t want any children, although I think he regrets that a bit now.
It gets on his nerves that I am so close with my daughters, he says I’m obsessed with texting them etc. But he just has to suck it up! As they say. As a couple we are happy.
I think your husband has made his choice by buying his house in the area you used to live. Bye!