Moving away from family

I’m sorry if this seems harsh BUT I think your husband is behaving like a spoilt child ! I do empathise with him not enjoying where you are living, BUT he is a grown man and cannot have it all his own way. To have purchased a house without your knowledge is appalling ! Such a lack of trust ! Does he not have children of his own ? It sounds like jealousy, I would NOT move away from your children and GC, sounds like he’s planning to leave you anyhow, I’d be getting my financial affairs in order ! Best of luck xx

Is there no countryside/villages you could move to that is near to the area you are living in, that is still close enough to see your family but hasn't the hustle and bustle of a town? You could split your time between both places/possibly rent out the place he has done up. Some compromise on both sides is needed.

He did as you wished and has given it a try. He does not like it. You don't be taking I to account that he has given it a try. I can see that living in a built up area is very different to being in the country. I could never do that. Is a possible compromise that you move to a countryside area but closer to your children than you were? It seems you are wanting it all your way. Compromise is a word tgat comes to mind

Morley 58 if you only see your daughters and gc once a week, that seems to leave plenty of time for you to spend with your dh. However you mention 3 daughters. Do you see them all at the same time once a week or do you mean that you spend one day a week with each of them?

If you are seeing each separate family once a week I can see how he might be feeling a bit lonely as that would take up almost half of the week every week. It is a real dilemma. It is natural for you to want to spend plenty of time with your family but I can see that he may not find that so great.

On the other hand, if you mean that you only spend one day a week in total with your family that seems fair enough.

Of course there is the other problem of him not liking the area. He seems very determined to make a change if he has bought another house without consulting you.

I hope you can find some sort of compromise but of course that is only going to work if it leaves both of you feeling a reasonable degree of happiness. In the end, if he is determined to move away, only you can decide whether to stay or go. It may be possible that he would compromise by moving to an area which is more countrified but still within a reasonable travel distance to your family so that you could still see them weekly. Hope you can find a solution you can both be happy with.

The fact that he bought a house and renovated it behind your back tells you all you need to know. He is moving there, with or without you. He knew you had a family when he married you and is now telling you that you have to choose; them or him. If you go with him, you'll feel that you've been bullied into moving away from your family and be miserable ever after. If you manage to cajole him into staying near your family, he'll be miserable and blame you.

It's a no brainer; let him go. Blood is thicker than water.

I have to say, if I were in your husband's position, I would probably move away too. I don't want to be involved with a partner's family either.

However, in your position, I would cleave to my family. You will be very isolated if you move away to an area you don't know, to a house he's selected.

If you both have homes, let him go. Tell him you're very sad about it and that you'll miss him desperately, but that don't want to move away again.

I don't think any man should try to stop you seeing your family. He knew you had children when you got together but maybe not having a family of his own he possibly didn't appreciate the strength of those ties. It's sad that he is making it a them or him situation. I think you would end up resenting him if you were to move away and you'd miss your family dreadfully. Would you be able to travel back regularly to see them or is he expecting you to cut yourself off? He doesn't sound like much of a team player. To buy a house secretly is pretty calculated. I don't think you should have to choose but the situation is of his making not yours and you shouldn't be guilt tripped into a decision that you are not comfortable with.

It's difficult to understand the pull of family when you don't have your own. You spent some years living where he wanted to Morley but it seems he is unable to settle now. To buy another house without telling you seems like he is set on getting his way regardless.
There must be some compromise here surely. You do need to talk this through and then decide on your priorities. As we don't know everything which has gone before its difficult to advise.

I can sympathise with him not wanting to be in a town - I would lose the will to live if I did not have fields and sky around me. So that is a reasonable gripe on his part. If he does not feel at home in the town it must be miserable for him.

But grumbling because you devote on day a week to your family is not entirely reasonable; unless of course he feels that they are more important to you than he is - does he have any reason to feel that? Any thing you might change there?

Buying a house where he wants to be is not unreasonable either - but doing it without telling you is a bit off the wall!

Is there some compromise to be had here, with time shared between the different properties?

He sounds very needy. I couldn’t be doing with a DH who has to be with me all the time. He needs to find his own hobbies. Very immature and selfish

Yes he says the area is more of an issue than my family but he agreed to come here after I’d spent 8 years living in his old house in another very isolated country area far away from all my family. I am desperately looking for a solution that doesn’t make me choose between my husband & my family. Husband has never been married before or had children or is close to any of his family.

I’m with you Tanith I wouldn’t give up my family for anyone. IMO he sounds selfish and self-centred and wants to be pampered.

One day for family/ 6 days for him is a good deal so there must be other factors involved here, but I do understand what it's like to move area and not be happy. It was one of the
main factors which actually led to the end of my. marriage

Does he complain when you go out with friends? Does he control all the finances? Does he ever visit your family? When he told you he didn't enjoy the activities with your family, did you discuss what he would like to do with them? It seems he warned you a long time ago that he was unhappy, bought another house without consulting you and is planning to move. What are you actually getting out of this marriage right now, as I can't see you are on the same page.

I wouldn't give up my family either if OH said he wished he was back on the south coast.

But I feel compelled to point out that Grannies can be awful bores, constantly bringing their grandchildren to every conversation.
Sometimes having no other conversation! And not realising it?

I’m sorry but in your shoes I’d let him go or have to give up your close relationship with your family.
I was lucky in that my long time bachelor second husband embraced my 3 children and all the GC and we did loads with them holidays and babysitting he loved them all if he made it obvious he wanted me all to himself he’d have to go his own way I wouldn’t give up my family however much I loved him.

Private message sent

I think Hithere has a good point in that he has checked out of the marriage.

He has bought another house without telling you and asking you to move away from your family who are so important to you.I think he is probably pretty sure you won’t abandon your family.

He doesn’t seem to want to compromise.

Where is the money for the house coming from?
If you did not consent to that expense and the renovations, he is committing financial infidelity
He is checked out of the marriage.

Doodledog ... great minds.......

Morley58 ... How far away is the house, and how much time is he spending renovating it?
Well, actually the answer to the above doesn't really matter much, if he is determined to force you into a corner.

Has he offered any sort of compromise solution, or is he just saying that you should do as he wants or he will leave?

When he bought the house without telling you, was he hoping you would want to move with him or was he basically saying he had had enough?

To be honest, the more I think about this the more it seems a bit unreasonable of him to expect you to fulfil all his needs.

Why cant you both join a club together or go away (as it is possible now) together and give him the attention he feels he is missing?

I do agree with welbecks point that you've had a year to try to compromise with him.
So he must be feeling pushed aside somewhat, and I do have sympathy with him on that score.

I cross-posted with Namsnanny, but it seems we both have similar views .

He is your dh and your core family. You are ignoring him and his needs.

He has very valid points.

It doesnt matter you see them once a week. It sounds like they are in your mind all the time, even if they are not in physical presence.