Very difficult DIL

I really don't expect them to follow me around until bedtime.

I don't think that this is what's being suggested though is it? There's a distinct difference between a guest saying that they'd like to go and have a couple of hours nap and the guest who just absents themselves from the household without saying anything at all. I don't think for one moment that the OP was suggesting that her DIL should shadow her from morning till night!

I didnt like my MIL either. She really wasnt a very nice person, very manipulative and controlling. But I was brought up to have good manners and ALWAYS treated her with respect, out of respect for my husband as well as good manners. She was my children's grandmother after all. It would take just a few seconds to join the skype conversation to say Hello, Happy Birthday etc then excuse herself to go and do something else. What example is she setting her daughters? Very rude to just disappear. I would quite accept the need for some 'me' time for a busy mum and encourage her to do just that. That would also give the OP a little special time with her GDs. It takes effort to get to know and understand someone - it's a two way thing. Sounds like in this case it's one sided on the OP. I hope things improve over time

I really don't get it tbh. If I invite someone to stay the weekend I really don't expect them to follow me around until bedtime. They are guests at my house, I treat them like guests not entertainment

I think it’s fine for DIL to have a nap, timeout whatever but it would be polite to just say, if only to DS, that’s what she’s doing.

It seems some posters are so desperate to keep the peace they put up with bad manners and entitled in laws

It may be less about keeping the piece and more about keeping contact. When one has not experienced the "eggshell treading" it can be very hard to imagine doing it....in the end it comes down to the priorites...regular contact with ACs and GC or an in-law behaving exactly as one would expect in ones own home maybe!!

I am not specifically referring to the OP here, just pointing out that this sort of situation is just not always as simplistic as it might initially appear ...from all perspectives of the people involved in each different case.

Wow! I am the Mother of four Sons with two Daughters in Law and while I really would cherish time with my DSs and Grandchildren, I do think she is being rude. If she said' do you mind if I buzz off? That would be great. However I really don't think it is worth getting upset about. Be the better person, continue to extend your hospitality. Maybe your DS is embarrassed about her behavior? Totally ignore it and enjoy your special time xx

Again, everyone is different.

I really don't understand how it can be rude and offensive to go and rest for a couple hours while staying at the in-laws for a weekend. Do all of you really expect the DIL to sit and talk to everyone the entire time? My MIL certainly doesn't expect this. I can even remember falling asleep on the lounge when I was pregnant and MIL covered me with a blanket. I hope that my children are comfortable enough to be at ease at my home.

That's the issue.
Everyone is different, so it's only polite to respect their boundaries in their own homes.

After all, everyone tiptoe around respecting the sons, daughter in laws, and everyone else.

What a harsh lot some of you are. Have you thought that it could be compliment to the mil that dil comes to stay for weekend and feels relax and at ease enough to just go and have time to herself.? I just can't see the problem.

Countess your lucky stars she feels comfortable enough to do that

janeainsworth

I try to treat my children-in-law as I do my actual children.
When my children come to stay, I don’t expect them to spend every waking hour with me. I don’t expect them to tell me when they’re going to the toilet, to ask permission to eat a banana, to make a cup of tea or to go for a lie down.

I want them to feel that our home is still their home.

And that applies to DiL and SiLs too.

This is lovely and how I feel too although I fully expect to have adult children living with us for quite some time due to how difficult it is to move out these days.

My home is their home, I want them to always feel relaxed and safe here, including their partners

One son and his wife both have parents who divorced and remarried. We all meet up for family occasions and get on well together. Confusion over names is avoided by adding the Christian name of the “step” eg Grandma Anne, Grandad John. It works well for us.

I think it's pretty rude to just disappear in someone else's house without saying anything, but there is little you can do if someone has bad manners.
Just enjoy the time she's gone.

Lucca The OP said he/she would not be back. It's a shame, but I think the earlier posts caused a bit of upset.

‘Obviously has a problem with older generation’
That’s a sweeping assumption, perhaps it has more to do with the individuals who happen to be ‘older ‘ & whose attitudes are perhaps not as acceptable as they themselves believe them to be.

I’m surprised by the number of posters who come on to say they’re surprised at the harsh comments......
Where is OP by the way ?

I do not protest to much Gaga in fact I am seeing my daughter and Grandson today. We enjoy each others company
There is no negativity in my relationships with close family, but by your own admission there was/Is with yours.
You said you would not want me as your MIL, so glad to hear that.
I am also in a long term relationship with a man who has 2 sons, both who live abroad, my partner is a West Indian and respect is very important to them. I would welcome his sons with open arms.
My Grandon also refers to my partner as his Step Grandad. I am not perfect and I get things wrong but given how my family is I must be doing something right

So first 'nonsense'and now 'stupid' and yet I'm the one with bad manners? I think the lady doth protest too much.

What a stupid comment Gaga as you can see in my above post I have no problems with my family as boundaries and good manners are observed.
You seem to be the one having the problems, not only with your MIL but your daughters partner as well. I have no such problems, not even with my daughters ex partner.

I agree when posters say they would not expect in laws or anyone else for that matter to spend every hour with them when they come to stay, however I would not tolerate moodiness and bad manners in my own home.
I would also not keep quiet just to keep the peace. If they did not want to come after that, so be it.
It seems some posters are so desperate to keep the peace they put up with bad manners and entitled in laws.
I agree about skyping as I only do it every now and then, when other family members instigate it.
One poster called her MIL controlling and unpleasant. I would love to hear it from her POV as there are two sides to every story.
I do not have any problems with my family as they respect me in my home and I respect them in theirs. I live in Greater London and my son lives in the North West, when I have had a long drive I am sometimes tired. I always ask if I can lay down for a hour. No one is offended as I ask.

rafichagran

Gaga If you behaved badly in my home you would not be invited back and I certainly would not want to go to your home.
I said upthread that you cannot expect people to like you, but you can expect good manners especially in your own home from your DIL.
You say your MIL was controlling, but could it be she just did not put up with your nonsense.

Telling me my behaviour was nonsense, in a situation you know nothing about, speaks volumes rafichagran. I'd be happy with no visits from or to you as my MiL. No one needs that negativity in their life.

Skyping every Sunday? - I would find that too much. Staying the weekend too can be very stressful.
How about having the children to stay for a weekend & letting them have a lovely weekend to themses?
Think not what they can do for you but what you can do for them : )

I try to treat my children-in-law as I do my actual children.
When my children come to stay, I don’t expect them to spend every waking hour with me. I don’t expect them to tell me when they’re going to the toilet, to ask permission to eat a banana, to make a cup of tea or to go for a lie down.

I want them to feel that our home is still their home.

And that applies to DiL and SiLs too.

It depends on your family dynamic but this wouldn’t bother me.
When my daughter & SIL come to stay he will often “slip off” for a couple of hours & I enjoy the time with just my daughter & grandchildren. I don’t think I would even notice with a Skype/ FaceTime call. I would probably ask how SIL is but wouldn’t expect him to appear in person.
I am rather astounded at comments like “war of attrition” etc & would just enjoy the time /conversations with your son & grandchildren