Very difficult DIL

Bibbity ...sorry, but that's a really horrible way of looking at it. I read it that the DIL was a guest in the house of the person that wrote the original post above, not vice versa, as you suggest she needed some kind of "escape" from everyone. I would see her behaviour as a tad rude, too, had she been in my house as a guest. Different if she had said with a friendly smile that she was just popping upstairs as she was tired for a lie down, etc., but to just disappear for hours without explanation is not very kind behaviour. There are ways of doing things, and that isn't it. I always find it a bit strange on here that respondents always seem to find excuses for others' bad behaviour, which sort of suggests the poster is making a bit of a mountain out of a mole hill.

I don’t understand why a lot of you have been so unkind to Countess Fosco. The Mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship can be a tricky and hurtful one. Even when a mother-in-law is doing her very best.

Blimey! Just been reading through some comments - some of which are quite harsh! I don’t particularly ‘get on’ with my DIL And not for the want of trying! I gave up trying years ago and now I am much happier . Got fed up walking on eggshells and it was using too much of my energy, so I took a leaf out of her book. I see my grandchildren and son when I can and it suits us both fine. If we have no choice but to be in same room then we are very civil to one another - we tolerate one another but sadly we will never be best mates- not her fault and not my fault - it happens. Shame but that’s life - same as some siblings not seeing eye to eye or parents not seeing eye to eye with their child. You just make the most of what you got!

Countess Fosco, it's not your task to make your daughter in law love you or your company. It's your task to be a good mother in law to her.

@Tanjamaltija If my son had chosen to marry and have children with a someone who sits there grumpily, speaks in mono syllables and gives the side eye when they are a guest in someone elses home I would be most disappointed in his lack of good taste that he would choose to live with such a rude embarrassing person.

Would you rather she sits there grumpily, speaking in monosyllables and giving you the side-eye, and probably sticking out her tongue at you when you are not looking... or would you rather she is out of the way, and you can enjoy the girls, until she feels up to joining you all again. Rhetorical question - hence no "?".

If you have grandsons, then their mother is setting the precedence of how to behave with mothers in laws so she could reap what she sows in future years. Politeness for a few hours here and there costs nothing and I thinks she is disrespectful of her husband's family unless there is a good reason for it which hasn't been revealed.

Who do you think holds the power here over the son and children? The wife and mother or the mother and grandmother? It’s obvious which is why it is civil for the DIL to show respect and politeness tot the mother of her husband. I have had a toxic MIL and a toxic DIL and can assure you the latter is far worse. The former I did my best with and took the blows always feeling a bit sorry for her the second the DIL there is nothing I can do. She avoids she sulks she withdraws and withholds her children from me and I take it that son wants quiet life. She had a pampered only child upbringing and is a daddy’s girl. She sees other women as a threat to her dominion. It is very sad for everyone. So big hugs OP let’s hope she’ll soften with age.

Its recognised in psychology that if we have had a toxic relationship with our parents/caregivers we will have difficulties with projecting those feelings onto others throughout our lives unless we deal with it.Ive found that you cannot play the 'therapist' in family dynamics,they have to deal with it another way,therapy/reading etc or some outside advice.

Not everyone is a chatty social animal. Lots like to have their own place and some "me"" time even when included in groups. It's your son who is married to this person and as long as he gets along fine with her you just need to accept her for what she is and does.

Thanks for your reply anna7

CountessFosco it's best to accept people for who they are.

There is no obligation whatsoever for a daughter-in-law to behave like a close family member or meet your expectations.

If you criticise or push things, you'll just drive her further away.

Sorry, my last post is to Hithere

I would like her to behave in the same considerate way when staying at her in laws as she would as if staying with friends; ie if she wants a bit of time to herself she should something like " I'm just going to have a lie down for a bit" rather than just disappearing. If dils husband and children are skyping she could just say a quick hello. She doesn't need to join in the whole Skype session but a friendly hello and wave would be good. Not just because she is a dil. I would hope for the same consideration from a sil too. In other words, basic good manners.

My DIl just the same she’s Japanese but it’s not the culture difference as when I have been in Tokyo she’s extremely friendly with Brit expats. I have bent over backwards to be nice but it’s not reciprocated. My DS face times with my 2 little grandsons 9 n 4 and like you she never comes on to speak. I lost my father to the virus in April but she never said a word or asked how my elderly mother was. No birthday card no Christmas card really sad. This last couple of years have been difficult for us my husband has been shielding due to a compromised immune system. Both of us had to have operations last year but she never said a word. I have gone out there with gifts n have welcomed her into our home each time they have visited the uk. Like your DH he said the same just leave it. I have stepped off the gas now nothing will change. I guess some people are just cold. Just enjoy speaking with your grandchildren and your DS.

Honest curious question: for those who say mil is in the right , how would you ideally like dil to behave/do?

Oh please all MiL please stop moaning that your DiLs are not just like your daughter/sister/best friend!
When all is said and done, they married your son, not you and quite frankly , if I was a DiL and found out that you had been whingeing about me not only behind my back, but to total strangers on a forum, it would make me even less inclined to turn into the person I am expected to be !

Bibbity... I’m gathering you’re the DIL ??? Rude rude and damned rude ... god forbid I’m ever cursed with a DIL with as few manners as you obviously have !!!! ?

Oh goodness, this resonates with me. I'd love to write down all that has happened, but there's something tricky about a public declaration in my mind. Once it's online and all that ... So sorry. Totally totally get it.

I think it's polite of her to allow you time with your son and grandchildren
Really? I mean really? Since when was it up to a DIL to allow a grown man time with his parents???

I agree with Eagleswing, moorlikeit and others who are appalled at some of the vitriolic comments on here. I’m not shocked as whenever anyone posts anything like this The Mean Girls come out in force. Some obviously have very sad lives and get their kicks from being nasty to others I suppose.

FWIW it is rude and bad mannered to just disappear upstairs for a couple of hours without saying anything.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Yes this isnt seen as a supportive place anymore

I totally agree with the posters who are shocked at the degree of venom from those criticising the OP. So many posters are ready to jump in at the drop of a hat with their judgemental, one-sided and utterly unhelpful comments. Even if posters do not sympathise with the OP, what would it cost them to moderate their responses and show some fellow feeling? Just being polite would help!

I decided some while back that I would never ask for advice in this forum - too many sad people getting their kicks from putting others down. Shame on you.

Our daughter in law has had a very, shall we say ‘ challenging’ up bringing. So now she wants nothing to do with her parents. We’ve supported her all we can, and encouraged her to see them, but in the end, it’s her choice. Someone up thread said about trying to step into the mother-in-law’s shoes, and parent the daughter in law herself, and was told this was bad advice. It could be in this case, as the daughter in law seems unreceptive. However, in our case, my daughter in law took it upon herself, to substitute her mum for me, and was grateful I think, for the help. One size never fits all though, and I don’t think you should instigate anything. Be there if she needs you, and in the meantime, enjoy your son and grandchildren, which after all, is what many grans seem to lose. I would be grateful she goes upstairs for a while, respite for all of you.

Virtually everyone has had difficult times to deal with in their lives. They may have terrible parents, ill health, lost a loved one been the victim of crime. This doesn't give us an excuse to be unkind to people. A little kindness and consideration from both sides goes a long way. It also reduces tension which the children pick up on.