Very difficult DIL

My DIL is much the same. She was fine at beginning (that was approx 20 years ago) but once DIL and son became more solid she somehow changed. Also, when my husband passed away she somehow became more distant towards me. I think she feared I would become dependant on them both. I understand her mother told her to be careful in that I become too needy - if anything I am quite the reverse. I am a bugger to ask for help at the best of times in any event and I have always been that way unless of course absolutely necessary. I believe much of her negatively towards me does come from her own mother. So, some years back I gave up trying to ease our relationship, trying to be friends or mates with her. Pointless. So nowadays I just work around her and only when it is convenient for her and my son I get to see my grandchildren (who are priority). At times I will get a phone call from son saying I can visit as DIL is out for whatever reason so I will visit then. Of course she is fully aware and it does not bother her at all and it does not really bother me. Likewise she has never been to my home in the 20years - of course she is asthmatic and is allergic to cats so therefore she cannot visit in any event - which I would say suits us both fine. The times when we have had to spend time in same room we are very polite to each other, i suppose we both tolerate each other but It’s not really comfortable, but then my focus is a lot on grandchildren. I accepted long ago we would never be the best of friends - it happens! It’s a shame in many ways as would have been nice to have a DIL who could be your friend, and I am sure she feels same about me. It happens in all families I.e sisters don’t get on, brothers don’t get on, relationships between parents and child also are not always perfect either! I just make the best of what I got and enjoy.

Leave her to it. It’s her problem, don’t make it yours. She probably won’t change, all you can do is live with it and not let it change your relationship with the rest of the family.

Bibbity
That’s very harsh, what that DIL is doing is not only disrespectful, it’s downright bad manners!! And you have to ask what that message sends to the children. Unacceptable!!

If it helps, I'd say that I have a good relationship with my MIL, but it's never dawned on me that I ought to join in with my husband's Skype conversations with her. I'll wave hello on the way past and nip in briefly if I have anything particular to say, but otherwise see it as their time together.

Not much sympathy coming through for you but you have mine. It’s like a war of attrition and emotionally exhausting.

Just accept that she is different from.you, different mother-daughter relationship, different generation ....if she is a good mom to your grandchildren and your husband is happy .....what else matters?

I agree with those who tell you to leave her to do her own thing. I’s not unusual. My husband is from a family I find overwhelming most of the time - six siblings who forget any other family exists. It took a long time, but my OH knows how stressful this is - we have argued about it in the past but he accepts now that the introverted aspect of my personality emerges when they’re around. She’s not being difficult - she’s being different.

She sounds perfectly ok to me she. Just chill out and stop looking for faults.

Just leave her alone. Your husband is right.

WELBECK I find your comments disgraceful! This is a forum for grans to express their worries and fears and get some empathetic help to enable them to deal with a situation. Your bullying comments and those of others shock me. Are you actually a MIL or a DIL who has had any issue I wonder. No one is suggesting that this particular DIL is doing anything awful BUT Countessfosco needed some advice. Thankfully there are others who are kinder than you. Thank goodness we have some respect for others feelings left in some of us.

countess
i feel for you,yours is a carbon copy of my DIL Ive tried to be civil.inject a sense of humour into this 'inlaw 'nonsense, but all i get is sneers,dirty looks etc etc ive given up on trying to be nice to her,I think ive looked at the situation from every angle ,I see a lot of 'its there problem/life you've got yours etc a lot of pop psychology around these days from forums.'I now have to regroup somehow and concentrate on keeping contact with my son and grandkids.If you want to PM please do,i share your frustrations

I used to leave my husband and his mother alone together for periods when she was with us, or we with her. I certainly thought I was doing them a kindness and never thought I could be criticised for doing so.

Agree totally with PetitFromage.. Give her time.It might be a long time but if she sees you being a lovely Gran and her children love you she will come round.Only advice- never take over and don't give opinions unless asked for and always positive!

* it would be more pleasant for the son if his wife makes an effort to get on with his mum. Isn't that what families are all about?*

If it were a son-in-law who refused to engage even on the most basic level with her family I can guarantee that the responses would be totally different!

No idea Gagajo ...who knows!!

What are they looking for? Ammunition against MiLs?

Why on earth do people do this? !!!!

Well done Welbeck

Well I never!

We have that book on the bookshelf but have never read it (it was MIL's).

from the britannica, re interesting user -name,....

Count Fosco, in full Count Isidore Ottavio Baldassore Fosco, fictional character, a refined but implacable villain in The Woman in White (1860) by Wilkie Collins. Fosco is considered the original of the corpulent, cultured villain who later became a common type in crime novels

welbeck may have sussed this.
It follows a pattern
New poster, problems with DIL.

CountessFosco

I am truly amazed, shocked even, that some of these responses are so extremely unsympathetic, bordering on the brutal. If I was wanting a few helpful hints on what is to us a delicate situation, then obviously this is not the place to encounter them.
To say "if these minor things leave you feeling ‘disrespected’ then quite frankly you obviously don’t have enough to worry about" is judgemental. How do you know what we have to worry about? Don't worry though, wont be posting again. Cyber-warriors!

So...you can’t figure out why your DIL might want some time to herself, huh?

Your Dil does not sound 'Very Difficult' to me.
As suggested, you could ask your son if she is all right when she has disappeared for a bit.
If he says she's fine and not upset with you, then don't worry.
She may be exaggerating about hating her mother, or she may have good reason.
Either way, it seems she doesn't hate you so just accept her as she is and you should find things less stressful.

As JuneRose says surely a bit of give and take isn't too much to ask. It costs nothing to wish someone a happy birthday and just to be pleasant surely.

I would tend to agree anna7. However the problem is her DIL is not fitting that "model" and probably never will because it is not her way in this context! Is that behaviour worth challenging as the OP doesn't like it, despite the potential consequences if arguments develop?

CountessFosco there are lots of positives in your situation. You see your family, you see your son, you enjoy your grandchildren. Your DIL does not try to stop any of that, she chooses not to engage too much which could be many for many reasons and in the end is her choice in the relationship.

I think you are best to quietly accept the situation as it is, continue to be polite and inclusive towards her. If you start to push for "a different relationship" that better fits the picture that you had of that relationship, you could lose some or all of what you already have that is positive. These things can escalate, can cause misunderstandings etc

Others have suggested gifts etc and that one can "catch more flies with honey" (like that phrase). This may help. However I think you need to keep in mind that it may not work; she may not want a deeper relationship; she may not respond in the way you want ...and ensure that if that is the case those gifts etc don't become yet another source of resentment for you. She may just not be interested!

Accept and enjoy what you have and leave her be, as your wise husband says

You took the words right out of my mouth callistemon

When we talk to our DDs on Skype we sometimes here a shout as a Male passes through the room but that is all. They do WhatsApp every now and again - birthdays and Christmas or can you have the children! And, I love them all!