Ghosting

I have not been my best self at times over the years.

I built a new life after a divorce and as a single parent with a teenager I often felt emotionally drained to the extent that at the end of the day I just wanted to watch something stupid on tv.

Before that I used to be a person who had lots of friends but there were constraints of finances too and I felt I had to prioritise my daughter just to keep the day to day things running. It seemed to get worse during Covid as some of those everyday things got more complicated, i.e. home schooling all of a sudden getting hold of food, deliveries cleaning etc.

I didn't or couldn't always explain that I was too stretched to socialise much or at all with adults. So I only contacted those people and things that were essential to keeping things running often. I probably also was depressed at times but just had to grit my teeth about it. It was a way of getting through.

If someone had phoned or contacted me and said hey come out for an hour for a walk on the beach I probably would have said great and done it. But I often felt I didn't have the emotional resources to cope with someone else's potentially weighty issues.

Afterwards and in the past few months I have distanced myself from two former friends who I realised didn't see my position and were asking too much of me. I thought.

I wish I could have done it with more grace, but there you go. I prioritised what I felt I had to. Had I done anything else I would have been criticised for neglecting my DD

I'm fairly sure that for people who have care responsiblities they sometimes must feel like Especially during Covid.

I listened to Womans Hour about ghosting and women in particular dating over fifty. I'm sure it happens to men too but one listener pointed out that she had been talking on phone for four hours to a potential date and then had been ghosted.

She said and I thought a fair point that if you met someone in real life this would be plain rude. I agree.

However there are different sets of circumstances.

I don't think everyone is brought up to deal with bereavement or death in the same way either. When I was growing up I was never allowed to go to a funeral and my parents didn't model appropriate responses. I understand their difficulties but I really didn't know what any of the procedures were, or how to act, or even how to deal with grief. I learned much later.

So I'm very much aware that my responses to certain situations would have appeared plain rude. Or uncaring in the past. Actually there were lots of reasons why.

I would try not to ghost people but there have been many I haven't been in touch with because I felt I didnt' have the emotional resources. Online is sometimes easier because if you have chores or jobs to do you have more choice over when you reply.

I had a friend who lost her husband last year and spent the past many months phoning and messaging me saying how terribly depressed she was , she was at rock bottom , crying all the time , and that the doctor had put her on antidepressants and was worried about her , she said she could not go out to take the dog for walk as she didn’t want to see anyone , speak to anyone , so she had her son drive 20 mile round trip almost every day to take her dog for his walk , I’d also pick up her dog to take him for walk along with my own dog . I was so very worried for her, I would always offer to pick up any shopping for her , pick up her prescriptions from the chemists , was always on the end of the phone saying that if she needed me I’m always there for her ...this went on for months , but I didn’t mind at all , because she was my friend . Then one day couple weeks ago , she messaged me , out of the blue , saying that she had met this ‘ lovely man ‘ , they had been out for lunches , to the shops to buy some groceries and new clothes , gone for runs in the car .........yes, I was happy for her , but, I also felt very hurt because I’d felt she used me , sucking up my generosity, taking advantage of the kindness I’d shown her , so decided I didn’t want her as a friend anymore , I’d blocked her in every which way I could , didn’t want to hear from her again. I do miss her but also don’t need friends like that in my life .

I'd ask her why she sent that. It doesn't sound like a sensible email.

Estrellita, no, you wouldn't be unreasoonable at all imo.

A longstanding friend of more than 40 years sent my husband a horrible email saying that he had once said he had despised her husband (he didn't) and that her husband had been very generous and hospitable to him and he had rarely responded. She also said that my husband was always moaning and asked why had he never mentioned which regiment his parents were in during the war?! She signed off Yours sincerely. The previous day she sent me a friendly chatty email with love and kisses. I shall be ghosting her in future I am afraid. AIBU

It’s so hard living away from family. My daughter may be moving soon as big changes in her life. I asked her not to move further away, at the moment it’s nearly a 3 hour drive.
I find it terribly lonely at the moment, everything is difficult.
But, I hate to put pressure on her, I had to say something though so at least she knows and may take that into consideration. I to find it hard when I see families getting together, the news makes it seem as though everybody has somebody just around the corner waiting to hug you.

I have posted on this before - but I don’t seem to be able to find a way of coming to terms with both of my daughters living abroad. We have four GC / two of which we had regular contact with as they came for half terms / summer holidays etc.
Since my eldest went to live in Sweden it’s been nearly a year since we have seen them. Plans were made for visits etc and my daughter from Canada was coming too. Obviously with COVID the plans have been cancelled and it’s possible we won’t see them again for sometime. I feel heartbroken as I have spent most of my life bringing up a family that have all but disappeared now - with all the stuff on the news about people getting together again with their families , we feel so isolated and have lost hope really of any normal family life again.
I still work ( with families) and have friends who I love - we have lots to be thankful for - I know that - but I feel like we need to move on and make our own life now - at nearly 70 it’s a daunting thing to do

Isn't it strange that a woman I work with today asked me "have you heard from so and so lately?"

"Not for ages, I rarely do these days" I said.

"Well, she has moved (about 350 miles away) and didn't let anyone know she was going. A couple of us have texted her, but she has blocked us".

Had it happen to me with what I thought was a close friend. The first time, we were supposed to go on holiday for 2 weeks. The day we were leaving, she told me that she could only go for a week because she'd met someone special.

Needless to say, I'd stumped up the payment for the holiday already. When I got back, she'd moved and I heard nothing from her for years, until a mutual aquintence got in touch and told me that she was in desperate straits and needed me.

Stupidly, I immediately put the past away and went to her. She had been accused of assaulting her baby, who was then in GOS childrens hosp. After they went home, I visited a few times but whenever I arrived the man would leave and sit in his car until I went home. After a few weeks, I told her that he made me feel very uncomfortable and she had my address, should she need me. Nothing for years and then she turned up unannounced at my birthday dinner.

She was younger than me and had made new friends so I left the runing to her and it slowly devolved to visits on Christmas and birthdays only, which was fine by me, but a few years later, it started again. Telephone messages went unanswered, cards and letters ignored and emails not answered.

This time, I've had enough. Regardless of her need, I would not have anything to do with her ever again. I could not do this to anyone I considered a friend and don't understand how anyone can do it to anyone else.

It is diabolically rude and hurtful.

grant1 that's so sad. Surely your friends wouldn't expect you to be all happy, knowing about your loss?
I hope you feel up to making a call or a text to someone before very long.

I had this happen after a good friends marriage broke up. I tried and tried to remain friends. I was so hurt and it took a good few years to realise the problem was her and not me. We automatically assume it's our fault but it isn't always. Friends come and go sadly and there's not a dam thing you can do about it. You just have to let go, grieve and move on.

Is it possible that this person has had some kind of personal upheaval that you are unaware of or is otherwise suffering from depression or physical health issues of their own? Maybe it's nothing you've said or done, just that they are not communicating with anyone right now? Cutting oneself off from social contact is a sign of depression. Does your friend have a history of that? If so, there is nothing you can do except to continue reaching out until they are able to open up again. Just stating things from the other side. My mom died in April from covid and I have not spoken to any friends since then, or family other than to inform them of her death. No funeral or burial because of covid. My work hours have doubled so I am exhausted and depressed and lonely since I can't see anyone due to covid restrictions here. I can't bring myself to call anyone and pretend to have a happy conversation, so I just don't make any calls. I'm not saying this for sympathy, just as way of possible explanation for your friends behavior. Don't give up, maybe they will come around in the future.

Forestfriend, I cut links with a couple of friends for the same reason, one of them worked for me and was reporting back to him the exact takings for everyday she worked.
When we went to the court it was so obvious where the amounts came from.
Others, their first question was always, what are you doing, not how are you.
Then I would get lots of comments from him.

I ghosted a person I thought was a friend who within hours of learning my husband had passed away posted a photo of him on Facebook saying how much she was upset and would miss him. She was getting ‘so sorry for your loss’ comments from people that didn’t know him. My daughter was furious as she’d seen it before me and hadn’t told me. She said her husband had to restrain her from going to her house to tell her how dare she take it on herself to post this before we had chance to let genuine friends know. This ‘friend’ had no idea she had overstepped the mark. I was in no frame of mind to berate her so just cut her out if my life. Friends don’t treat friends like that, it was purely to gain attention for herself, something she does regularly on Facebook.

@narrowboatnan I have read up on munchausens (I also think she has lied about a condition she claims her child has) but I'm not convinced. But I'm not a Dr. Or a psychiatrist.
It seems when that particular circle of friends find out she moves to the next... a new job, a new church, a new voluntary sector.
I really did not trust myself to speak to her after the revelation. Nor would there have been any point.
Im just remembering how many heart attacks her father has had in the last few years.... he's miraculously still living!!

My sister found out something about someone she'd known for years. It was extremely unsavoury, bordering on criminal. She was so shocked and horrified, that she just cut all contact with him. Should she have told him why? Tricky, because of the source of the information (definitely legit, by the way, no question - it was verified and confirmed by the father of the 'victim', and it was like the final piece of the jigsaw for my sister - she'd always had her suspicions about him, and although shocked, she was not altogether surprised).

So yes, she 'ghosted' him, removed him and blocked him on FB, blocked him on her phone, and deleted the handful of messages she had from him - he eventually gave up. She didn't honestly know any other way she could deal with it, the situation was just so appalling.

I "ghosted" a friend of mine after my marriage broke down. She had taken my now ex husband's part. She tried to get in touch a couple of times but I was sure that if we met up, she would pump me for info on what I was doing, where I was going ect and pass it on to him.

I had never heard of the term ghosting until today when I read this message. I have possibly been guilty of doing so when I cut a dear friend out of my life with no explanation because, at the time I was too cowardly to tell her the truth. Her husband, whom she idolised, made two racist comments about our grandson. Stupidly I didn’t tackle it with him at the time but I really couldn’t bear to be in his company thereafter and so I cut the pair of them off. I still miss my friend.

Purplepoppies

I have dropped someone over lockdown. You can call it ghosting if you prefer. I like to call it 'don't lie about ill'. I had always known this 'friend told 'fibs' which was irritating. They then lied about having Covid. I called them out. They dropped out of a group chat after this.
I then discovered that wasn't the worst 'fib'. They have lied about having cancer. Even shaved their hair to cover the lie....
Despicable! I cannot be friends with someone like that. So yes, they have been 'ghosted'. Good riddance.

I have a friend who lied about having cancer. She didn’t fool me and I ignored all her ‘I’m going to die soon’ shenanigans which went on for years. She fooled a lot of her other friends though, and it occurred to me that it was a way of controlling them so they’d feel desperately sorry for her, buy her gifts, run errands, do her housework and keep her company when her husband was away. She’s still doing it now, some 10 years later, but is apparently ‘in remission’ and has allowed her hair to grow a bit. I believe - though it hasn’t been diagnosed - that she, and probably your now ghosted friend - have Münchausen syndrome

inishowen it sounds like your friend is feeling very down because of covid.
Can you phone her? Or meet her, in a physically distanced way?

I "unfriended" someone on Facebook basically because she stopped responding to requests to meet up or made excuses. I must have offended her over something but life's too short to have people like that in your life. Can't be bothered with it.

Grannyannie
I do know exactly what you mean.
I have friends, a married couple, I have known for more then 50 years. They are so kind but oh dear they have got so boring over the years.
They have grown old well before their time.
Dr’s visits and the garden are all that keep them going.
They moved away about 6 years ago so now that my H has died I don’t see them but we talk on the phone weekly.
I cannot travel just now but even if I could I don’t think I would.
The last few times we saw them we stayed in a hotel, making the excuse that we didn’t want to put them out.
I feel very guilty about my feelings but really can’t spare time at 83 to be doing things I don’t enjoy.
They really are a lovely couple but have no friends.

That's sad inishowen did your friend give any reason for feeling as she did.?

We had a friend who went through a very difficult time and we helped her a lot over an extended period. My husband in particular did a lot of running about for her. The friend moved away and we have heard from her once in a year. Obviously we can be of no further use to her.

Illte I think you were quite right to ignore those people.

Mamma66 it was so good to hear that things can be sorted out, sometimes.

My DD was ghosted by her boyfriend of several months (both in their 30s).
She texted saying that ghosting is an incredibly hurtful thing to do and she didn't think much of him for doing it.
He did respond then, saying he was upset she hadn't picked up on his hints that he wanted the relationship to become more serious.
It hadn't occurred to him to say that, straight out. Idiot.