Ghosting

Thanks Smileless. They didn't do much stop as "opt out" of a bit they didn't like and then try to come back in when it was over.

I'm ashamed to say that if I'd spoken or responded in any way I would have been very nasty. I know I have a vitriolic tongue when I get going and my lifelong battle is to keep it under control. ??

So ghosting, turning my back on them was the best I could do.
Or maybe it wasn't. I'd still like to lash out?

I had a very good friend for over ten years. One of those late blossoming friendships in my 50s. We were a similar age, same number of children around the same age and lots in common. We went to the theatre, had lunches and dinners and generally got on really well. There were one or two aspects to her personality which were a bit odd, which I won’t mention here. I had a few medical issues and she was always very supportive. I supported her when her husband died. Then, three years ago I had Stage 1 Breast cancer and that was when she stopped replying to my emails and texts. Promises to visit or meet up for an exhibition, always excuses... So, I decided to cut her out of my life by blocking her in every way I could. She had spent nearly a year causing me angst. So, she tried getting in touch via my children! They knew the story so explained that I was having some time out. Three years on and a pandemic, I got in touch. She replied reasonably and that was it.

Its my granddaughter who has ghosted me. She doesn't reply to texts or messages, and if I try to arrange a visit she says she'll let me know when its convenient. If I call on the off-chance she'll be 'just popping out to visit someone'.
She has 3 children so it means I don't see my great grandkids.
It can be really cruel.

Sorry Illte that's wrongit was your friend who stopped contacting you; my apologies.

I don't think you have to be nasty Illte but for me, that would be preferable to be left wondering what had happened, what I'd done to be 'dropped' suddenly with no explanation.

You say that you still wish you'd let rip; maybe the fact that you didn't say what led to your decision to the end the relationship has made it harder for you to let go of the hurt.

You could write a letter, you don't have to send it and may not have an address anyway but in writing down how you felt at the time and still feel, may help you to put this upsetting experience aside.

Havemercy

Blossoming

I’ve posted before about the ‘friend’ I’d supported through many dramas over the years, but who told me to fuck off and ghosted me after I told her about my serious health problem. Oddly enough after several months she has now tried to contact me via a 3rd party and I haven’t yet decided if I want to respond, or if I should continue fucking off.

I would definitely continue to f off!

Thank you, that made me smile!

I was "ghosted" by someone I thought of as a good friend.
I finally made a wax image of her and stuck pins in it which helped my feelings a lot. She's fine 20 years later in case you were worried!! (we still have a friend in common).

Several years ago my best friend walked away, permanently. She put a card through door saying could not speak to me but hoped it would change. It was a bad time. My son was killed in a road accident and four days after I was diagnosed with cancer. Then her card appeared the day after the funeral. Nothing since. This friend was a divorced single mum, same as me. Lived in same village. We were very close for many years. Did everything together. Supported each other through many ups and downs. Then suddenly she was gone. I knew she was grieving for my son. Is that why? The hurt was incredible.

Exactly the same thing happened to me Urmstongran so I know how you felt. I just decided some people are not worth the time and effort and we just have to rise above things and move on.Although it would be interesting to know what goes on in people’s head to make them behave as they do.

Blossoming

I’ve posted before about the ‘friend’ I’d supported through many dramas over the years, but who told me to fuck off and ghosted me after I told her about my serious health problem. Oddly enough after several months she has now tried to contact me via a 3rd party and I haven’t yet decided if I want to respond, or if I should continue fucking off.

I would definitely continue to f off!

I think people who 'ghost' may have communication issues, they do not know how to convey their true feelings, so hence become an ostrich burying their head in the sand hoping it will just go away and not have to face the problem they cannot handle. It is their coping method, how they deal with stressful situations.

I know when my daughter died, suddenly lots of friends and family just disappeared from my life. When I confronted them about it a yr or so later many admitted they did not know what to say to me. I explained that they should have said just that!

They also said they did not want to upset me with their personal grief. So many people cannot handle bereavement and now I just accept people deal with death in their own personal way, no one is right or wrong, you just have to do what is right for you. Also your bereavement affects others around you as they had some form of relationship attachment to the person, they are grieving too but may not wish to burden you further with the weight of their own grief.

A couple of years ago I was diagnosed with cancer requiring treatment. A family member who I had a really very close friendship with for over 30 years was amongst the first I told. Through the months of hospital appointments and recuperation I heard nothing from her no calls, cards, flowers nothing. I felt I couldn’t ever see her any more , I felt let down and decided to wind up my friendship with her by sending her a letter saying how let down I had felt by her behaviour. She phoned in tears saying she knew how I was doing as other family members had kept her informed, she loved me and was so glad I was getting better. I never returned that call, nor others that followed nor replied to the texts. I knew that the friendship could never have picked up again but I needed to send the letter to say how I felt and to finalise things.

My daughter has done this to me. Nearly three years ago she argued with us because we said we were giving any grandchildren a small portion of our estate on our deaths. At the time our DiL was expecting out first (and likely to be our only) grandchild.
Without discussing or talking it through our daughter and her partner have cut us out of all social media. I only realised when I heard nothing but got second hand reports from my sister, brother and cousins. None of them can believe how badly she's behaved especially as in the 3 years since we've seen or spoken to her her father (my husband) has declined in both physical and mental capacity and I am a survivor of very serious bowel and liver cancer.
We used to be a happy family.

I’ve posted before about the ‘friend’ I’d supported through many dramas over the years, but who told me to fuck off and ghosted me after I told her about my serious health problem. Oddly enough after several months she has now tried to contact me via a 3rd party and I haven’t yet decided if I want to respond, or if I should continue fucking off.

Actually that might have contributed jenpax as the ‘ghoster’ had been on Prozac for years.

When I read up on it someone had opined it was a form of control.

Nasty though.

I do wonder if mental health issues or family catastrophes might be to blame in some of these “ ghosting” situations
I have had some really traumatic family issues over the years and my defence mechanism is to go to ground! If it’s looked like ghosting to some people I would be mortified

The person who ghosted me was still working polnan and it was me who retired. Such strange behaviour. I did try to think ‘work colleague’ but we had done many social activities together too. It messed with my mind for a bit I can admit!

For Illte, on bereavement and friendships. I had a very long friendship with an interesting and exuberant local woman. When my husband died (traumatically), she turned up at the funeral and came afterwards to the wake which she somewhat dominated. I never heard from her again. Bereavement does bring out the best and the worst in people.

Personally, if I wanted to cut someone out of my life I would have to tactfully tell them why. It must be very hurtful and confusing to suddenly be ignored and not know the reasoning behind it.

Never heard of Ghosting but we did cut a couple we had been very friendly with for many years. She was lovely but he had a real drink problem. They came for dinner one evening & sitting happily chatting afterwards he suddenly got very stroppy & started a silly argument with me. I told him not to speak to me like that-quite calmly - & he just went ballistic. My husband asked him to leave & we did not contact them again. His wife was mortified & I felt very sorry for her. I do see her now sometimes but not him. He has a real problem & is to be seen sitting outside the local pub almost all the time now he had retired.

Well now, if anyone but especially smilelessand chewbacca has the patience to go back to my post at the top of the threadabout the people I ghosted.

Should I have vented? I thought I was being all noble and controlled and not giving way to my worse self.

It's the fact that I still wish I had let rip that makes me doubt whether it would have been the thing to do., if you see what I mean.

But is it better to be nasty than to just walk away?

Oh wow, I never heard of this, now you have made me think
when I retired and moved 200 miles away, to be near my gks.
I guess I could have been said to have done that? but I thought I made it clear that I left my job behind, and what it entailed..

hmm? interesting

I had a strange situation with a friend - I called to see her at an agreed time (she lived about 15 miles away), knocked on the door and she wasn't in (not the first time). I put a note through the door and waited to hear from her, thinking we could rearrange the visit. I didn't hear from her for a couple of years, and in the meantime my daughter tragically died. She called out of the blue and wanted to go into the ins and outs of what had happened, but I didn't have the energy to engage with her. She had been one of those friends who would spends hours going on about her life, her stuff, her problems and I was there to 'listen'. It was exhausting. Anyway I decided to ignore her in future and got Christmas cards which have now stopped. I did ask her why she had gone out that day and not responded to my note but she couldn't even remember the situation. I felt quite used actually and that was that.

I have a friend who has ghosted me. her daughter and SoL Split I was very supportive but since. I told her I had told a friend they had split up she refuses all contact. it was common knowledge he had left.

Have you considered that perhaps your friend is suffering from mental health issues .... or perhaps they're dead??