Stepdaughter problem regarding holiday in France

Summerlove, I think the point in this case is that the daughter doesn't want her Dad to know about the trip. It was to be a surprise for him....
It seems the problem started a long, long time ago though.....

Did anybody consider the husband in all of this? It seems to have been an upset between mother and step-daughter with the father's relationship being compromised further without his knowledge.
I agree with StarBlaze in lots of ways. Even you recognise that "it looks like it is all about me" so she probably definitely thinks it is that. It does sound like she is easily put into "flight" mode with her relationship with her Dad but I wonder over the years whether you have been unwittingly "standing in the way" with the relationship. It may be that he has unwittingly made comments that have reinforced a view that she is not wanted. Perhaps she grew up being poisoned against her father and is subconsciously looking for affirmation that these views were right.
I don't think you have done anything wrong but I really think it sounds like you are dealing with someone who is damaged so it is too easy to upset them. My daughter is very similar in emotions about her relationships within the family and I have found that after apologising profusely for upsetting her, any attempt to put the situation right just makes it worse. If someone is determined to b offended, nothing you do will change that.

It was a text that was sent no face to face conversation and SD said it was on his birthday, I don't blame you for being upset, sounds more like an order not consultation. I'm not sure whether we will be travelling freely by then anyway certainly not over 70's.

If the daughter wants to spend time with her father then why the need to even ask the stepmother? Arrangements should be made directly with the father. AC do not have to like the step parent. We do not know if there is a mother still alive, maybe the daughter did not approve of how the step mother got together with the father. So much is not known.

If she said the spring that’s quite a wide window of opportunity without treading on any April plans you might have! Why can’t she take dad on one of the other months or weeks and you could go with friends and still spend the birthday with your DH?

Actually, IMO, I feel you did put the defences up against the SD taking her Dad away. It was a really nice idea. I have been a product of divorced parents and sometimes, just sometimes, you want one to one time with either parent WITHOUT the step parent being involved! I agree she didn't quite say it right and there are obvious past hurts, resentments in her childhood, but I feel you could have handled it better and said that he would be delighted! You and your DH can go away anytime really to celebrate. No wonder she can't be bothered to re-organise it.

Age is everything to do with this. He is coming to the end of his years. Is there a financial gain in the offing when he dies? Sorry to be so negative, but I have come across this so,often.

Uninspiring 70 is not necessarily coming to the end of his year's, my husband is 80 in a few weeks and very fit and healthy, I'd hate anyone to refer to him as coming to the end of his year's let alone them doing that when he was only 70.
With regards to the initial post, I hope you can eventually get through to your step daughter and arrange to meet and arrange things, would your husband be comfortable you having separate holidays, I'd hate going away without my husband and I know he'd feel the same.

This possibly all goes back to before you and your husband were married.
Usually, when your parent is remarried, when you plan something, you check first that they are available at that time ?
Maybe after all the no contact, your stepdaughter had decided to reach out and try and mend things with her father and felt that by your reaction , had shut the door in her face so she now thinks it not worth bothering .
You have tried texting, phoning her. Is there any way that you can (or at least your husband) turn up on her doorstep?
What about your husband taking her away at a time near to his birthday if even just in the UK and you both have a late birthday break later on in the year?
Mind you, with Covid nothing may happen until next year after all!

I think your step daughter is very naughty and if she can’t do better throughout the whole year it’s a way of her trying to make a statement It’s his 70 th and I tried to do something nice for him but it was rejected by wicked stepmother She needs to be told of her failures in being a daughter who only bothers as and when it suits her Sadly I hear this from so many of my friends about their children only contacted when it suits them Good Luck but you should do something that you would enjoy together life’s so short not too !!!

I'm sure your stepdaughter was well aware that your 70th is 3 months later and although it may seem strange to people who haven't had step children, this sort of thing is not unheard of amongst those of us that have .
I don't think it is malicious in any way but I do think stepchildren at any age sometimes have a need to reassure themselves that they are important and loved by their parent in spite of their parents not being together.
I usually just take a step back and let it wash over me, in the grand scheme of things it matters not.
I would however suggest to her she choose somewhere else because you already have plans to visit Carcassonne together.
I'm not convinced you will be able to encourage a more regular contact between daughter and father. Its often the child that has this intermittent contact that reacts poorly if she doesn't get to do what she wants.
Good Luck

Has the situation always been like this in terms of contact between your husband and his daughter? Was it the same before you married etc?
I eventually developed a very strong and loving relationship with my step-mother but initially it was difficult.
If I went to see my Father she'd remain present..altering pre-arranged plans to be there, if we made plans to go out (as we'd always done), she would come along and while I had no strong feelings about her at the time, I did feel as though she didn't want us to spend any time alone together and it started to create bad feelings and resentment.
It took time and some very honest conversations between us to resolve the situation and an admittance that BOTH of us had viewed / misconstrued things.

It all seems a bit odd given the current situation regarding travel was it an empty gesture?

I think she should have checked first as they may have plans, passport in date etc etc.

Seems a big gesture when answering a text is a step too far for her. Very suspicious

I’m
Wondering if step daughter has long rooted issue with Fuseta ( stepmother).

The stepdaughter, who mostly ignores her father, sounds like a real piece of work who need to grow up.

Hi fuseta, your Dh stepdaughter only lives round the corner and rarely replies to texts or phone calls from him. Nice! Not! He gets upset about this but never stops trying! He sounds a decent dad, you explain to her that it was a nice idea, but you had discussed having a double celebration for both your birthdays, because she didn’t like that she’s got a sulk on and says she wishes she hadn’t told you, but she doesn’t reply to his texts or phone calls or goes to see him, she said she would speak to her dad but so far she hasn’t! You were decent enough to contact her and tell her that your friends were talking about taking you away for your birthday, and now you told her that she doesn’t think she will bother now as all negative, and she doesn’t want to and won’t answer emails text messages etc, sounds incredibly childish to me,

Am I the only one who does not enjoy "surprises".
Part of the pleasure is the looking forward to something.
I have been to somebody's surprise birthday party .
He thought he was going out with his wife and children and then we all turned up.
He tried to put a brave face on it but it was obvious what he would rather have been doing.
Fiesta if I were you I would ask DH what HE would like to do for his birthday and maybe suggest then that you both go away somewhere together.
Just forget about your step daughter .

We don't celebrate "special" birthdays.
What is so special about 60,70 ,80.?
on my 75th birthday DH and I went to a Garden Centre.
A metal shelf fell on my head .
That was some birthday!

Having lived through a similar scenario with my own husband and a step-daughter. who was very reluctant to spend time with her dad, ignoring invitations, texts, phone calls etc, I do empathise with the OP.
All I would say is that, as I understand it, there was no specific date suggested, just a vague ‘spring’. If that is the case, maybe it would have been better to have told her that you think it is a lovely idea but, as you have the two seventy birthdays coming up you would need to co-ordinate the dates. Just a thought. Is it too late to put that to her now?

70 is an important milestone. I think the father's daughter would like a bit of quality time with her Dad without anyone else being present.
I can't see why she should not have this chance of showing her Dad that although she doesn't have much contact with him, she loves him very much. She may not like her stepmum too much, and if that is the case, taking them both together would ruin it. Two's company, three's a crowd. Let the daughter take him to Carcossonne, it may be the start of a better and closer relationship. Then go somewhere else for the joint celebrations, then maybe Carcassonne a little later? If its as good as people say it is worth visiting more than once. And the OP can go out with her friends for her celebration.

I completely agree with starblaze having been a step daughter for many many years. Obviously it would of been polite of the step daughter to of mentioned to you that she was going to surprise her father with a few days away for his birthday but I really do not think she should have to ask permission. You are all grown ups and if you have married him knowing he already has children by a relationship before you then you really should be prepared to ‘share’ him and allow him some one on one time with his children first and foremost in fact you should actively encourage it. My step mother clung to my father like a limpet never allowing his children access to him without her Presence. Consequently my brother who was only 17 and my sister who was only 5 at the time of parents break up never had anything to do with him ever again! I tried to keep in touch as I was 21 when he went but my step mother was so insecure that she would kick up such a fuss if she wasn’t included in everything to the point of childishness. Every time he even spoke to me she butted in to the point of rudeness so I gave up phoning him as often. I ached for some father/ daughter time with my dad but it was never allowed. I’m sure I could of tolerated her better if she hadn’t shown that she was jealous of my relationship with him. Even when he was dying she wouldn’t allow me to visit him that last week but her own family were there. Please have the grace to allow your step daughter time one on one with your husband. You say you like to be together all the time, but didn’t you realise he had a family And a life before you came along and most men can’t just forget they had a previous life and why should they, did you not ever want time alone with your own DF ever even as an adult?
My own father has now passed and I regret not having any adult memories with my dad. I hope you can reach out maybe via letter or email and tell your step daughter you would very much like her and her father to have some private times together and make some adult memories with your blessing and you realise how important it is. I sincerely hope you can be the bigger person.

Bluedaisy I sympathise with you too. My daughter went through what you did, with a stepmother who forbade contact with her father, at first without her presence and then not at all. That made me all the more determined not to do that to my stepdaughter.

OP does not sound as though she has got in the way of her husband and stepdaughter herself: her stepdaughter was the one not making contact with her dad.

Frankly, the step-daughter is a fault here, but telling her so won't make things better.

All OP can do, is tell her husband about this, even though it was meant to be a secret.

IMO it is unreasonable to make a trip abroad a secret.

Perhaps the best thing is for the couple to find out what they want to do for their birthdays and when they want to do it.

Invite family and friends for the day that suits or arrange to go away.

Why dont you arrange your OWN trip as a couple to this special place youve both had on your list then? And if your friends want to still take you somewhere book that separate with them a day or 2 after or before your birthday.(as im sure your hubby will want to actually share your birthday with you?) Then he could ring his daughter himself and suggest a trip for daughter& himself for or near his own birthday? Or even on hers? If she doesnt like a 'go- between' for things then she should be prepared to deal with her father directly herself shouldnt she?She sounds like a right madam to me.Id tell her im not getting involved& she should contact her dad direct instead of 'surprising' him.

needs

The step daughter def needs to ask before arranging anythijg, especially as she dosn't contact her dad often. How's she to know if he had other plans already, or indeed an illness that prevents him travelling or getting travel insurance! I agree with Frizzywizzy, text her and tell her how much he'll love it etc... There's alwys the possibility though that you were set up and she was just saying that and then looking for an opportunity to back out and blame you, but really I wouldn't work on that basis. Hope you can get things back on track but really if you can't don't go blaming yourselff as it is quite a lot to take on suddenly and you weren't given time to think it through. X