Why are so many elderly abandoned by grown up children.

I think it's a personal thing. Not everyone abandones their parents as well as not everyone maintains good relationships with them. But I agree with one of the PPs saying that it might happen due to very different opinions on some important topics, thus people prefer not to meet quite often so that they don't have to discuss any crucial points.

In the absence of affection and love, duty is better than nothing. In times gone by duty to extended family , including aged parents, was more important than it is now, in the developed world anyway.

Yes Lucca there does seems to be some confusion as to the difference between abandonment and estrangement

I'm sorry that your son does seem to have been thoughtless annepl; now that you told him how you feel about it, fingers crossed he'll be in touch a bit more regularly.

I look after my elderly relatives, I have a sister who does nothing. Some family lives too far away but the ones who live near are too busy with their own lives it seems. I shall carry on doing what I do knowing that I cannot do more. One day they won't be here and it will be too late then for regrets.

It's NOT about estrangement.
But what does that matter. ?

I think it's fair to mention estrangment here because if you look at how well a relationship is going, estrangement is at one end of the spectrum.

Its not really a seperate thing.. And it's a valid choice to make.

I think if I had managed until my mum was older, without her driving me to a breakdown and getting professional advice, I would not have estranged physically but I probably would have mentally. It would be hard to physically estrange someone who was frail. It's something I sometimes worry about because I was the one to do the running about and organising and taking care in our family. My mum would not do that for her own father though when he was elderly and frail.

Just because I can't be around my mum for the sake of my mental health, doesn't actually mean I want harm to come to her.

I guess that's because I can imagine the mum I needed though and the hope she would be that mum one day left some form of love in place.

HolyHannah, it's not about estrangement.
AnnieP I can understand you being hurt, I think we have all been thoughtless at some times with our parents, due to commitments, but we still loved them.

In families all too often people inadvertently “take things the wrong way” - something said by a family member - that can easily be misinterpreted - so creating discord and unfounded assumptions! We can all be guilty of this and totally get the ‘wrong end of the stick’, so to speak. The key here is communication! If you don’t hear from your children or friends or family - then call them for a chat! They are probably totally unaware of how you are feeling! My sister-in-law lives by herself in a nice flat (housing for over 60s) and has said on occasions how she hasn’t seen anyone for days! Other neighbours meet up (socially distancing) but she would not join in, nor invite anyone into her flat for a chat and cup of tea. That says it all for me.

This thread has provoked another lot of estrangement posts possibly due to the title? I think OP was really talking about the kind of thoughtlessness displayed by Annep1’s children, not actual full on estrangement.

Summerlove -- Great term -- And your "quote fail" is now understood.

You go on to say, "I don’t think all who are estranged or abandoned were bad parents or bad people.

I just don’t think we can judge if others are good parents unless we are their children. We only see what they want us to see.

I think most of my friends are excellent parents. But my opinion doesn’t matter, it’s their children’s opinion who matters."

And certain people/groups cannot and will not accept that truth/reality because to do so negates their ability to declare to themselves and each other that they were indeed "good parents" based on their own self affirmations.

I tried to be a "good child" or so I thought, BUT the people who got to decide that I was or was not a "good child" were the 'adults' in my life. THEY said/told Me I was a "bad child" and who was I to disagree? They were in the position to judge Me and my behavior from their POV as a parent/adult. But I/any abused child will say, "I judge You as the hypocrite You are."

Smileless you made some good valid points.

Summerlove

Unless it's something infectious why would I not want him to visit. Did you never visit a sick parent?
Besides I said we were both sick last week.

I rarely see my son. He was in the same town, five minutes away. I'm not hurt about not joining him for dinner. Just that he didn't stop by. What's confusing?

And are you trying to say I don't care about loved ones because I want them to visit me when I'm ill? What nonsense, And how unkind.

Why would you want your son to visit if you were sick?

I’d be keeping loved ones far away in that case.

Unless you wanted him to call and say he was 5 minutes away and refuse to visit?

I’m very confused

I haven't heard that one before Doodledog.
I'm sure I have been thoughtless too at times. Good point. Thanks.

I'm sorry - it does sound as though he was being thoughtless.

Mine can be too, and I probably am with my mum from time to time. There are no excuses, as it does hurt, but he probably didn't mean to.

There is a Zimbabwean proverb - 'The tree remembers what the axe forgets', which I think is very true.

Doodledog My son said he thought we were isolating which is untrue because they came on my birthday in June. I think he only mentioned it because I asked.
I certainly would understand if it was a celebration for her family. I've no problem with that at all. I'm not a clingy parent. But he knows my husband and I were both sick all last week and he could have just said hello, I think if he was in the neighbourhood.
I have never said anything to my children before but it just took me by surprise.
However thank you for your kind thoughts and the flowers.

Annepl, please don't take it to heart? It may have been the FIL's birthday, or some other reason why it was that side of the family who were out together. It probably wasn't that they wanted to exclude you, so much as that they were doing something that didn't involve you, and there is a huge difference.

If he hadn't wanted you to be there (deliberately) he needn't have mentioned it at all, and the fact that he did probably means it didn't occur to him that you'd be hurt. I understand why you were, but the chances are that he didn't.

Adult children can be thoughtless, but that's not the same as not caring, or being deliberately unkind. I know it's meaningless, really, but please have a virtual bunch of flowers .

Well there's a lot I was going to write but my son just rang to say hello. In the course of chatting I asked had they been out for a meal recently. Guess what? He his wife and daughters and his FiL had been in a restaurant five minutes from me a week ago. I haven't seen him since 21 June. Explain that. Oh, maybe I'm a bad mother. They also went to London about four weeks ago and I put money in their account for spending.
For the first time in my life I actually told him I was very hurt that he hadn't called to say hello.

Exactly so Bibbity.

Starblaze I don't really understand what is wrong with saying that when it just is who said it was wrong?

Sparkling where has that been said?

Good parents are good parents

Bad parents are bad parents

The only ones who really know are the children, same in reverse except, there is nature and nurture to consider and we all have some responsibility in how our children turn out. Not sure how much but it definitely isn't none. Unless no parent can take any credit for raising lovely people with good morals and a kind disposition.

I don't really understand what is wrong with saying that when it just is.

I don’t think they would be bad parents.
But I don’t think lack of visits etc makes the children bad people either.

I just don’t think we can judge if others are bad parents unless we are their children. We only see what they want us to see.

I don’t think all who are estranged or abandoned were bad parents or bad people.

I just don’t think we can judge if others are good parents unless we are their children. We only see what they want us to see.

I think most of my friends are excellent parents. But my opinion doesn’t matter, it’s their children’s opinion who matters.

It works seem that the opinion of a lot of people on here think you must be a bad parent if your children distance themselves. I don’t believe that for a minute. No one person gets absolutely everything spot on when parenting, or anything else for that matter, you raise them with love and guidance, the vast amount of mom and dads would if were necessary sacrifice anything for them. You ask at any home for the elderly and there will be a percentage who rarely get a visit, these are not all bad parents, it is a sign if the times.

annepl why are you taking it so much to heart?

Possibly for the same reason that EAC take it very much to heart when they're trying to explain their circumstances and don't think that they're being heard, listened to or validated?