Why are so many elderly abandoned by grown up children.

Fortunately I don't need help at the moment as I'm more than capable of looking after myself in every way, but saying that I could no more expect my D to run around after me with the workload she has either.

I'm also fortunate enough to have a generous brother who I know would foot the bill if I ever needed paid help as each time we speak on the phone he asks me if I want or need anything. I've never asked him for anything over the years even though I know he's comfortably off with a good pension or two.

Not that my D would ever abandon me, she wouldn't at all but I'd never knowingly be a burden on anyone if I could ever help it. Also my step-family would step in as well and because of this situation within the family I'm less likely to be anything but independent as psychologically I'll never feel helpless, worry, or even lonely -if you get my meaning. Always someone in the background should the need arise, financially and otherwise.

I can't imagine how those feel who have no family and nothing. It's a very sad situation. Or those whose families don't bother with them.

When I was young, my mum and dad visited their parents about twice a year as they lived a couple of hours away. Since my dad died my mum expects me to visit and take her round the shops one day a week. I have a young family, work 2 jobs and don’t have time for myself. I try to do the one day a week when I can. It bores me to tears going round the shops, lugging all my mums shopping. It costs me a fortune in fuel and parking as well. Then she complains I don’t go round enough. I think older people sometimes forget what it is like to be busy! My mum could invite us round for dinner once a week, or do something for us in return but never offers.

yes, it's even worse where these people have control of the parent's money, and berate them for asking to spend it on fripperies, such as food. and careworker's hours, for severely disabled, but compos mentis client.

I've seen that too welbeck. And the excuses made by the parents, as to why their adult children only seem to contact them when they want more money, is really sad. The person I'm thinking of always says that their adult son is "so busy with his very important job" or "he travels so much, he doesnt have any spare time". But when her son does make a rare appearance, he invariably goes home with a fat cheque in his hand. And then she doesn't see him again for months.

slightly different, but i have seen several cases of elderly parents being bullied, co-erced, used for money. these people seem to resent that their parents need to actually spend money to live; some of them seem to want to liquidise their assets asap. ie have the money rather than the parents.
what is most sad is when the parents are still in awe of them, long for contact with them, despite it not being in their best interests.
blood thicker than water, i guess.

Sparkling. I see it too. My husband and I see it a lot as we both do voluntary work for older people. The amount of parents who have been ‘dropped’ by their grown up children is appalling. It would seem that that younger generation have absolutely now qualms about ditching ailing and elderly parents. I agree that there may have been valid reasons for the alienation in some cases but certainly not all. I would never have done this to my own parents; never in a million years. So unjust and so very sad.

Are you speaking from experience Sparkling? I think the consensus is it is not the norm. Allowing for those who had bad parents, those who don't come to see often, the majority of people do their best for elderly parents in my experience.

Sorry, Sparkling but these bad parents are out there. Not the majority, but they are there. I have known a number of people who had parents, who made life very difficult for their children. Only one was deliberately malevolent, and possibly mentally ill.. But the others, were helicopter parents who knew always knew what was best for their daughter and tried to micromanage their lives even after they were married, always there telling daughter and husband how to run their lives. In the end one family went to Australia and the other moved to the other side of Britain to somewhere inaccessible by public transport.

I knew both daughters and their mothers and experienced their behaviour, I think I would have emigrated as well.

There seems to be an assumption that there are all these bad manipulative parents out there. The comment made about parents asking why their daughter didn't phone, perhaps it wasn't the cost of a phone call and just they needed to feel wanted. I can see nothing wrong in that. We all see what we want in someone's actions. My response would have been to write a chatty letter, it would take all of 15 minutes and say how busy life was and there's not aways the time to pick up the phone and briefly say what you had been up to. It's just feeling included. I am only using that comment as an example, daresay poster had a lovely relationship with her parents. Just commenting that sometimes a wrong word or action is enough for some to take offence.

Sparkling^I couldn’t leave someone who loved and raised me, I don’t understand it.^

But there are now - and have been in the past, many parents, who for a variety of reasons have NOT been loving parents and have NOT raised children in a way that leaves their children with any affection for them or concern for their welfare.

Family relationships can be very complex. You have only to read GN on a regular basis to understand how parents can manipulate, blackmail, emotionally and physically, bully and approve or disapprove of their children, all while claiming and seeing themselves as loving parents.

I am often amazed how many children love and nurture parents who must have been nightmare parents and are certainly nightmare and demanding old people and have done nothing to deserve the care their children give them.

I can see a lot of posters feel that once raised, children have no obligation to their parents, good or bad. I just don’t feel that way, it hurts me that elderly people with families are lonely. All I can do is be their for those I know, it must be awful to feel no one cares. You give out love and it comes back.

maybe they weren't that close? did not receive such a favor in childhood and now do not feel obligated? always did not understand this position sad

I don't think you read my post properly KseniyaP. And I really don't understand why you would assume that they didn't receive much favour in childhood and now don't feel obligated? What makes you say that?

maybe they weren't that close? did not receive such a favor in childhood and now do not feel obligated? always did not understand this position

Chewbacca, Your comment that the majority of people you had in care, whether they got on with their children or not, were visited at first then the visits became infrequent. It wasn’t just so called bad parents that were left but the good ones too. I think I would be scared to go into a home in later life, no wonder people struggle on far longer than they should. I know of loads of people whose relationship with parents is good, but others. who are not bothered with. I couldn’t leave someone who loved and raised me, I don’t understand it.

You've obviously been a kind and caring relative for your loved ones M0nica and have worked hard to fit care home visits into a busy life. The vast majority of us try very hard to balance regular visiting to our loved ones with other claims on our time and my post wasn't meant to be judgemental about the relatives who's visits trailed off, simply an observation of what often happens. I agree with your first sentence regarding families feeling guilty at having to place their loved ones in a care home; it's never an easy decision to make and is fraught with both emotional and practical problems.

Chewbacca, I think the thing is when a family member goes into care the family feel guilty that they can no longer look after this person themselves and they set themselves impossible visiting targets; 'We will be there every day/week.' But it soon becomes clear that that is impossible. Work, children, housemoves, for all kinds of reasons , they have to gradually accept that actually they can only manage a visit every other week or whatever.

Visiting someone in a care home was part of my life for over 30 years. First a friend of my godmother. She was in a care home 5 miles from where I live when my children were under 5 and I did not work. Over the ensuing 15 years, my children grew up and went to school, then university, I returned to work part time then full time, then I was commuting, we moved house and this lady changed care homes. She eventually was in a Care home 30 miles away. Initially I visited weekly, but finally visited monthly because my life had changed, visiting her final care home meant a 1 hour drive each way, which needed to be fitted into the weekends with everything else non-work based in my life.

When I started caring for first a widowed uncle in a care home 160 miles away and later a childless uncle and aunt, both with dementia in a care home 90 miles away. I knew from the start that my frequent visits, when dealing with all the complications of house emptying and selling etc could not be sustained and werent, so frequency fell to once every 2 or 3 weeks, but I kept that up for six years for each of them.

Hmmm having worked for a while, in a non caring role, in an elderly person's nursing home, I've seen both sides of this. We had residents who's family members described them as "always been awkward and difficult" and others who said the complete opposite, saying that their parent had been a lovely parent, always caring and kind. But one thing did unite these opposites of personalities; when they first arrived at the nursing home, family visits were frequent and regular. But as time wore on, those visits became less frequent and a shorter duration. I can remember only one resident who continued to have regular daily and weekly visits from her family and, to be honest, she was the most cantankerous lady I've ever met!

I think it is important not to be too demanding. We have recently gone through a lot of old letters where one of our parents wrote "I am writing to say that we are disappointed that you haven't phoned us".

They had a phone and could well have afforded to call us (they were far better off at the time than we were), but perhaps because they remembered a time when phone calls were expensive they never did.

They were treated badly. Ime

Agree with MOnica's last post. The most delightful seeming elderly people can be (and have been all their life) a nightmare to their own close relatives.

sparkling silver you are assuming all parents were good loving parents to their children. Yet we know that that there are many examples of poor parenting now. Parents abusive or feckless or just unable to cope. Adults will talk of being thrown out of home by their parents or mother and stepfather, or moving out because the atmosphere at home was so unpleasant. This is happening now and it happened in the past. Why should the children of such families, when they are adults, want to spend anytime with their parents let alone care for them and nurture them?

It was ever thus, I think one thing that we have more of nowadays is more people living away from where their parents live, either they have had to move, or their parents have moved
But really some parents do not make it easy for their children, both gone now but my inlaws made it so difficult to talk on the phone, yes their son should have taken most of the calls, but it was always haven't heard from you for a long time, when are you coming down to see us [when I'd not seen my family in yonks, always had to go and see the inlaws, and then not making it pleasant when we did visit. Perfectly healthy in their 60s, always off on holiday, never interested in what we were doing, all very one-sided conversation, and were incapable when visiting us of amusing themselves if we had something that had to be done for an hour or so, if I'm visiting someone to stay for a few days I'll always bring something to do if the hosts have commitments, or pop out for a little walk etc to give the hosts a bit of time to themselves, and I'd always offer to help wash up or help prepare a meal, but only once in nearly 40 years did my mother in law do the washing up when staying, I'd asked if she could as we were in a rush to get out and I didn't want to come back to a sink full of dirty dishes, she did it with such bad grace though, I never asked again, but she never had to wash up when we visited, and we always helped with peeling spuds etc. If we had to get back because [lots of good reasons, need an early night, have to be up early as have to go elsewhere, etc] why can't you stay,
you'll be ok..... Some people don't make it pleasant or easy to visit do they

Doesn't bother me, as long as i know they are ok. We have all said if there was ever a problem we would be there for each other. That is what counts to me in the end. Now if my sister 'abandoned' me that would be another issue. We do so much together and ring each other nearly every day.

It's a life long commitment isn't it Chewbacca.

Once my kids have grown and gone my days of caring will be over.

That's what we all think!