Gransnet forums

Relationships

New start?

(23 Posts)
Bird40 Tue 25-Aug-20 09:10:51

I trust and respect any of the views that you all give me. So thank you in advance. You were my first thought
Last year I ended my marriage ( its a slow process as some of you will sadly know) I have been with him since I was 20, two children, usual ups and downs of illness, bankruptcy etc. Our marriage didn't make it. My ex had been a heavy drinker, had isolated me from friends and family, even moving 250 miles from my family, although some of his later moved down.
I was very alone, picking up all sorts of hard, low waged jobs to Contribute, volunteering too in the hope it would boost me and chivvy me out of my low anxious mood. None of it did. He sucked me dry, the kids and him saw me as their skivvy. I'd do housework while they went to the beach. I'm still exhausted from the marriage. I could give And give.. Low self esteem does that. Lots of it was my fault for having no boundaries. I was very silly. I shld have said no or tried to make more of a stand about time for mum too!

He moved to his parents house and gradually over the next few months I started feeling physically and emotionally better. I do feel better!! Kids are fine but I do have to keoe myself tiptop as they are high energy and being off school it's all me, I don't have any family help.

I manage the bankruptcy and paid my last payment this month _he doesn't Contribute. I'm so pleased that it's all paid off. I can see the light xx

Digressing sorry... 6 months ago, I fell hopelessly In love with a friend. We both feel the same. He is practical, kind, protective, Intelligent, and we also s now work together.
I would not have looked for another partner... I wasn't ready by any means. My confidence isn't there yet. However, We have both never felt like this and although trying to be sensible.. Woukd marry in a heart beat. I've known him for 4 years and he lives locally with all his family here... He is well known and liked/ respected. I'm confident that he is a genuine nice bloke! Friends are openly pleased for him. I feel confident about my feelings. I havnt fallen for a fantasy. We just mesh. Until kids get involved... And as we both have two, obv have to put their needs first. I accept that.
My life does revolve around my two of course x
Here it starts getting a bit anxsty.
I've known his kids for several years too. Both kids live with him as his ex has drug and mental health issues. She lives maybe 90mins away, is known for violent outbursts and even managed to split my partner and his last partner up😱 both kids have clearly been affected by this. I am gentle and try to understand.
I've got to be honest that both kids can be quite sneaky. One def has some mental health issues and can be quite unusual. That's fine. Everyone's different but I don't think it can be an excuse for being mean.

I hear all About the kids mum and how fantastic she is. She doesn't work so has lots of time to herself. She attneds festivals and sporting events and has time for her art.. The daughter will openly tell me how boring I am!? I make little of it of course.
Sometimes I want to say... "i stopped All that to work and support my kids. I don't have time to spend all weekend on a bender!"
The other night, very unusually I was child free so do you know what? I had a bath and some wine and I went to bed. Because that was the best thing I could do being so tired.
Wow

His children, in my opinion, are v v spoilt and totally feral. My house is lived in, and my two kids and I do painting and crafts andjke mud etc but are a lot younger so although help in the house, aren't expected to do lots and lots. I go to their house and the kids lie on the sofa sometimes all day. They make no effort to do anything unless it benefits them. My partner thinks it's wonderful that the daughter likes baking. She does too... She trashes the kitchen, totlsly and give days later the cake mix and pans are still in the sink with a layer of mould on, cake on the floor being trodden in, and there is no cutlery, no plates, no glasses, bin over flowing, shoes in mounds. It's not my house so I can't comment but I hate it there.
Is this what I have to look forward to.

My partners daughter is knwon at school to be quite awkward and spiteful... Throwing sand in other girls hair, being generally mean, sniping, stomping off... And she has no boundaries. He adores her of course and that's quite right for a dad.
How we, she happily joins in with all adult conversations which I absolutely encourage... But sometimes it's not appropriate. My partner has almost treated her like a mini wife ( I u dertand this... I lived with my dad when I was young so I understand. Its an unusual bond) she seems to know everything that's going on which at 14, I find a bit creepy. She makes adult comments about people in the family. The other day I opened the door to her and she didn't say hello, she said 'what have you done to your face.? `
My partner never seems to hear these comments

I've been Consistent, always Involve her, I bring her gluten free gifts and ask after her, take her shopping or offer to drop her to friends etx

An example, Her dad will let her sit in the front of the car for instance when we go out and I sit in the back with my two kids. Doesn't sound a big thing but it's literally taking a back seat whenervve she is around. I woukd never do anything to seem pretty or come between them but she tramples all over him.
He even stops sex if she phones 😱 she is 14 and really prob could wait.
When we discussed moving in together I froze. The house.... Well the kids are feral at 14 and 17, plates are left all week on the table, empty loo rolls piled on the floor, dirty washing just walked over. The kids do nothing. Mouldy food in fridge, it's absolutely horrifying.
If I go over, which I avoid, the kids issue orders and bat eyelids and my partner just runs abiut for them.
I can't see a way to compromise on this.
We recently had an almost awful row, because my partners daughter kept pushing to take my v young daughter on a horse. I know this makes me sounds like the wicked step mum, but there is no way she is taking my little girl doing that. I can honestly see her thinking it would be funny to slap the horse and make it take off with her on it. She has a really nasty streak. My partner is really offended when I said thnsk you but no thnsk you. He doesn't notice how horrible she can be. He won't will he?

He also can't seem to see that women in general manipulate him. He is ffriedbs with his ex partners (I actually think this is admirable he rwlsly is a sweet man) I'm not in the least bit like these really quite brash, gobby, sporty types (ooh listen to me being catty I'm so sorry) I'm just nothing like them or like his daughter and I'm not sure my confidence can cope with this relationship.
An ex Invited him to her wedding last year, being the one that got away, I felt it was a bit odd to be Invited, as a heart broke single man, and he sat on the top table.
I clearly have Confidence issues and I Know I sound a wally but there is just no way that I woukd invite an ex partner to my wedding, seat him with my family and expect him to watch me on the most beautiful dys of my life, flaunting, etc. He thought it wss lovely to be invited. We are v different.
I have a friend who has been in love with me for years and years. He even phoned me the day of his wedding telling me that if I woukd have him, he wld drive to me now and not get married. I wasn't flattered. I thought it was awful! Feel atrocious for his wife and don't feel good about it at all. I have little contact with him now as it's painful for him and I feel guilty for his (now) wife

Can a relationship survive a blended family that don't really see eye to eye?
I think if it came down to it, his daughter would be believed over me. I did comment on his ex and his going to the wedding and he wohkdnt hear anything about it being a bit manipulative.
I'm clearly not ready for any of this am I? Xx

Kate54 Tue 25-Aug-20 09:18:52

You have comprehensively answered your own question probably just by writing it all down.

Chewbacca Tue 25-Aug-20 09:20:10

I'm clearly not ready for any of this am I?

No Bird, you're not.

Davidhs Tue 25-Aug-20 09:27:50

Very long post, short reply.

His family sound a nightmare, they will ruin your life as well if you get close, by all means date him as a boyfriend but don’t get close.

eazybee Tue 25-Aug-20 09:46:51

Very wise answer, Bird 40.
You have survived a very difficult marriage and its aftermath and proved you can cope independently, so why take your present relationship any further, at this moment?
Enjoy its benefits without its constraints.

luluaugust Tue 25-Aug-20 09:54:38

This is another disaster waiting to happen for your own sake either stop it all now, or if you must, keep him as a boyfriend only, no moving in. You will never sort out or settle all the problems with the children and yours will suffer. You have already been put in the back seat and as for interfering with your sex life surely you can see this is a no no.

Smileless2012 Tue 25-Aug-20 11:18:18

Well done Bird for getting your life back on track. Making that final payment must have been wonderful.

I can only repeat what's already been said keep this lovely man in your life as a boy friend, nothing more. As eazybee has said enjoy the benefits without any constraintsflowers.

Oopsadaisy4 Tue 25-Aug-20 11:26:22

Agree with the other posters, you have escaped from one disaster, this looks like another in the making.

Date but keep your other lives separate, for your children’s sakes as well as your own.

sodapop Tue 25-Aug-20 12:48:01

Yes absolutely well done for sorting out your finances, that must have taken some doing Bird40 you must be very relieved.
I agree with everyone else, give yourself time to enjoy your freedom and new found confidence. Enjoy the company of your new man but keep your lives separate. Good luck.

TheFrugalPiggy Tue 25-Aug-20 13:10:46

His family will destroy your sanity. Don't put yourself through it. X

Roses Tue 25-Aug-20 13:13:05

Can you see you and your children being happy living with this man and his family?
You don't even enjoy visiting their home which is not surprising so why would you want to live there and become a skivvy for his lazy children?
The man is weak the kids are strong, Don't do it

Sunlover Tue 25-Aug-20 13:14:00

Don’t rush into moving in. Spend quality time together but keep the option to go home to your own house. Hopefully as his kids get older they will become less of a problem.

Luckygirl Tue 25-Aug-20 13:23:34

I think you have two choices:

- keep him as a "friend with benefits"
- end the relationship

The third option of living as a blended family is a non-starter and will force you apart in the end.

annodomini Tue 25-Aug-20 14:56:47

I'm surprised you even asked the question! If you moved in together, that daughter would not hesitate to break you up and he would back her. Your children would be unhappy and so would you. Enjoy the life you have made for yourself and your children and, if you still feel like it, keep him for dessert!

Toadinthehole Tue 25-Aug-20 15:36:37

I think you’ve answered your own question too. Second and subsequent relationships always have to accommodate whatever else that person has accumulated.....in this case, his kids. If there really is love there, it’ll stand the test of time, and maybe in a few years, when the kids have perhaps left home, you may be able to re ignite. In the meantime, it sounds like you could do with a long break. Perhaps a few more baths!

Bird40 Tue 25-Aug-20 16:18:05

Thanks so much for the honesty.
Reading back over my ramble, I can see this is too much for me.
I love his company so I think we date and build on that but not contemplate trying to blend the families xx

Smileless2012 Tue 25-Aug-20 17:04:15

I think that's a very sensible decision Bird and wish you wellsmile.

Oopsadaisy4 Tue 25-Aug-20 17:53:45

Bird I really think that writing things down helps us to see a situation more clearly, not to mention input from GNs.

Enjoy your freedom and your man and heave a sigh of relief that when things at his house get too much you can just walk away to your own home.

geekesse Tue 25-Aug-20 17:55:41

Why do either of you need to progress the relationship? You can have a loving friendship, spend time at each other’s homes etc without having to marry or blend families. His kids are his problem and yours are your problem, and they don’t have to be part of your relationship. It’s way too soon after a failed marriage to be contemplating another one.

Can I say something which may sound a bit insensitive, but isn’t meant to? You sound from your long post as if you are already trying to mould him and his family into your idea of what they should be like. Be careful! If he needs to change to be right for you, he isn’t right for you.

Bird40 Wed 26-Aug-20 08:04:48

I am super grateful for the replies. I agree with all actually!
Seeing it all written down 😱 Oh dear.
I was enjoying calm before and focussing on the kids. I, perhaps need to return to this.
Thanks everyone xx

Sparkling Wed 26-Aug-20 08:22:20

From the outside reading what you say. I would distance myself from all of them, it's hardly a new start. You have to live and like yourself. Sorry it's so sensible. Good luck.

ValerieF Fri 28-Aug-20 20:08:29

Agree with others. Just keep him as a friend. No need to consider moving in together. The kids will grow up very quickly. Not sure what the point was about the other guy who has been in love with you for years? Did you wish it was him you were in a relationship with? Seems irrelevant to your immediate problem just wondering why you mentioned it?

But no, don't even consider blending your families at moment.

Londonwifi Fri 28-Aug-20 20:31:09

This man can not control his own children. He’s too nice if you know what I mean. You would be left to run everything in the home, housework, discipline, everything. His children are at an age where they are set in their ways and they certainly wouldn’t listen to you because you are not their mum. It would be an absolute nightmare for you.
I would start to back off and put some distance between you. He doesn’t sound right for you at all despite taking everything you have said into account. I don’t think you would have any time for yourself and would be blamed for any mishaps/disagreements etc. You would not be able to give your own children the attention they deserve for trying to sort out the step children.
My gut feeling is don’t do it!
There is someone more appropriate out there for you. Don’t rush into things a second time. Best wishes.