I trust and respect any of the views that you all give me. So thank you in advance. You were my first thought
Last year I ended my marriage ( its a slow process as some of you will sadly know) I have been with him since I was 20, two children, usual ups and downs of illness, bankruptcy etc. Our marriage didn't make it. My ex had been a heavy drinker, had isolated me from friends and family, even moving 250 miles from my family, although some of his later moved down.
I was very alone, picking up all sorts of hard, low waged jobs to Contribute, volunteering too in the hope it would boost me and chivvy me out of my low anxious mood. None of it did. He sucked me dry, the kids and him saw me as their skivvy. I'd do housework while they went to the beach. I'm still exhausted from the marriage. I could give And give.. Low self esteem does that. Lots of it was my fault for having no boundaries. I was very silly. I shld have said no or tried to make more of a stand about time for mum too!
He moved to his parents house and gradually over the next few months I started feeling physically and emotionally better. I do feel better!! Kids are fine but I do have to keoe myself tiptop as they are high energy and being off school it's all me, I don't have any family help.
I manage the bankruptcy and paid my last payment this month _he doesn't Contribute. I'm so pleased that it's all paid off. I can see the light xx
Digressing sorry... 6 months ago, I fell hopelessly In love with a friend. We both feel the same. He is practical, kind, protective, Intelligent, and we also s now work together.
I would not have looked for another partner... I wasn't ready by any means. My confidence isn't there yet. However, We have both never felt like this and although trying to be sensible.. Woukd marry in a heart beat. I've known him for 4 years and he lives locally with all his family here... He is well known and liked/ respected. I'm confident that he is a genuine nice bloke! Friends are openly pleased for him. I feel confident about my feelings. I havnt fallen for a fantasy. We just mesh. Until kids get involved... And as we both have two, obv have to put their needs first. I accept that.
My life does revolve around my two of course x
Here it starts getting a bit anxsty.
I've known his kids for several years too. Both kids live with him as his ex has drug and mental health issues. She lives maybe 90mins away, is known for violent outbursts and even managed to split my partner and his last partner up😱 both kids have clearly been affected by this. I am gentle and try to understand.
I've got to be honest that both kids can be quite sneaky. One def has some mental health issues and can be quite unusual. That's fine. Everyone's different but I don't think it can be an excuse for being mean.
I hear all About the kids mum and how fantastic she is. She doesn't work so has lots of time to herself. She attneds festivals and sporting events and has time for her art.. The daughter will openly tell me how boring I am!? I make little of it of course.
Sometimes I want to say... "i stopped All that to work and support my kids. I don't have time to spend all weekend on a bender!"
The other night, very unusually I was child free so do you know what? I had a bath and some wine and I went to bed. Because that was the best thing I could do being so tired.
His children, in my opinion, are v v spoilt and totally feral. My house is lived in, and my two kids and I do painting and crafts andjke mud etc but are a lot younger so although help in the house, aren't expected to do lots and lots. I go to their house and the kids lie on the sofa sometimes all day. They make no effort to do anything unless it benefits them. My partner thinks it's wonderful that the daughter likes baking. She does too... She trashes the kitchen, totlsly and give days later the cake mix and pans are still in the sink with a layer of mould on, cake on the floor being trodden in, and there is no cutlery, no plates, no glasses, bin over flowing, shoes in mounds. It's not my house so I can't comment but I hate it there.
Is this what I have to look forward to.
My partners daughter is knwon at school to be quite awkward and spiteful... Throwing sand in other girls hair, being generally mean, sniping, stomping off... And she has no boundaries. He adores her of course and that's quite right for a dad.
How we, she happily joins in with all adult conversations which I absolutely encourage... But sometimes it's not appropriate. My partner has almost treated her like a mini wife ( I u dertand this... I lived with my dad when I was young so I understand. Its an unusual bond) she seems to know everything that's going on which at 14, I find a bit creepy. She makes adult comments about people in the family. The other day I opened the door to her and she didn't say hello, she said 'what have you done to your face.? `
My partner never seems to hear these comments
I've been Consistent, always Involve her, I bring her gluten free gifts and ask after her, take her shopping or offer to drop her to friends etx
An example, Her dad will let her sit in the front of the car for instance when we go out and I sit in the back with my two kids. Doesn't sound a big thing but it's literally taking a back seat whenervve she is around. I woukd never do anything to seem pretty or come between them but she tramples all over him.
He even stops sex if she phones 😱 she is 14 and really prob could wait.
When we discussed moving in together I froze. The house.... Well the kids are feral at 14 and 17, plates are left all week on the table, empty loo rolls piled on the floor, dirty washing just walked over. The kids do nothing. Mouldy food in fridge, it's absolutely horrifying.
If I go over, which I avoid, the kids issue orders and bat eyelids and my partner just runs abiut for them.
I can't see a way to compromise on this.
We recently had an almost awful row, because my partners daughter kept pushing to take my v young daughter on a horse. I know this makes me sounds like the wicked step mum, but there is no way she is taking my little girl doing that. I can honestly see her thinking it would be funny to slap the horse and make it take off with her on it. She has a really nasty streak. My partner is really offended when I said thnsk you but no thnsk you. He doesn't notice how horrible she can be. He won't will he?
He also can't seem to see that women in general manipulate him. He is ffriedbs with his ex partners (I actually think this is admirable he rwlsly is a sweet man) I'm not in the least bit like these really quite brash, gobby, sporty types (ooh listen to me being catty I'm so sorry) I'm just nothing like them or like his daughter and I'm not sure my confidence can cope with this relationship.
An ex Invited him to her wedding last year, being the one that got away, I felt it was a bit odd to be Invited, as a heart broke single man, and he sat on the top table.
I clearly have Confidence issues and I Know I sound a wally but there is just no way that I woukd invite an ex partner to my wedding, seat him with my family and expect him to watch me on the most beautiful dys of my life, flaunting, etc. He thought it wss lovely to be invited. We are v different.
I have a friend who has been in love with me for years and years. He even phoned me the day of his wedding telling me that if I woukd have him, he wld drive to me now and not get married. I wasn't flattered. I thought it was awful! Feel atrocious for his wife and don't feel good about it at all. I have little contact with him now as it's painful for him and I feel guilty for his (now) wife
Can a relationship survive a blended family that don't really see eye to eye?
I think if it came down to it, his daughter would be believed over me. I did comment on his ex and his going to the wedding and he wohkdnt hear anything about it being a bit manipulative.
I'm clearly not ready for any of this am I? Xx
Bird40 Tue 25-Aug-20 09:10:51
Kate54 Tue 25-Aug-20 09:18:52
Chewbacca Tue 25-Aug-20 09:20:10
Davidhs Tue 25-Aug-20 09:27:50
eazybee Tue 25-Aug-20 09:46:51
luluaugust Tue 25-Aug-20 09:54:38
Smileless2012 Tue 25-Aug-20 11:18:18
Oopsadaisy4 Tue 25-Aug-20 11:26:22
sodapop Tue 25-Aug-20 12:48:01
TheFrugalPiggy Tue 25-Aug-20 13:10:46
Roses Tue 25-Aug-20 13:13:05
Sunlover Tue 25-Aug-20 13:14:00
Luckygirl Tue 25-Aug-20 13:23:34
annodomini Tue 25-Aug-20 14:56:47
Toadinthehole Tue 25-Aug-20 15:36:37
Bird40 Tue 25-Aug-20 16:18:05
Smileless2012 Tue 25-Aug-20 17:04:15
Oopsadaisy4 Tue 25-Aug-20 17:53:45
geekesse Tue 25-Aug-20 17:55:41
Bird40 Wed 26-Aug-20 08:04:48
Sparkling Wed 26-Aug-20 08:22:20
ValerieF Fri 28-Aug-20 20:08:29
Londonwifi Fri 28-Aug-20 20:31:09