Any suggestions?

Mobile phone AND medical emergency button worn on wrist or round neck. Once the button is pressed you are phoned by the 24 hour switchboard. I had to insist my Mum wore one and she lived round the corner and I saw her several times a day! She was stubborn too!
Explain she could be lying on a cold bathroom floor/in garden with a broken hip for several days. She’s obviously in denial about getting old
and vulnerable and although I can admire her feistiness she has to accept help now.

My elderly neighbour (85) had a fall about 3 am when he went to the loo. I was on his alert system to be phoned if anything happened. He always had his phone on him. He only phoned me about 8 am. When I got to him he was lying across 4 steps face downwards. He apologised for getting me up and said he had been lying across the steps for 5 hours! I told him he should have called me at once and he said he did not want to get me up at that time. I could not get him to his feet and had to get a male neighbour to get him to his feet. We put him in bed and phoned a company who sold him a little gadget to wear around is neck and assured him that they would come out at any time day or night.

I look at this and think of my mother-in-law. Fiercely independent till 96 but now accepting she needs (some) support after a series of T.I.As (maybe that's what your mother's falls were?).

I think you are wasting your time until she feels as though she is struggling. Personally I'd start by offering a cleaner once a week "to do the really tricky stuff". My mother-in-law accepted this help. Now she visits twice a week for a short time. She's private rather than an agency worker and is happy to help with not-really-cleaning jobs. Having someone go in the house a couple of times a week has made a huge difference to my husband.

Good luck!

This is a horrible worry for you but not much you can do whilst she still has mental capacity. I would, however suggest that you get Power of Attorney which she has to sign whilst she has capacity. Should she then fall ill or become mentally incapacitated you will be able to manage her affairs both health wise and financially. This will only come into force if that happens so do try and persuade her especially from the way she is behaving this could be the first signs of dementia. As we were told with mil act get it now before it is too late.

Personal alarm REALLY good idea. Also especially all suggestions made by Bluekitchen192. You might also consider having a conversation with a qualified social worker from her local council, who is experienced in adult social care and housing issues, who could advise on one or more of the following:

1. aids/adaptations in her home (which can be provided through one of the department's occupational therapists) to limit the chances of accidents.
2. Care and Repair (separate agency, government funded) to ensure her home stays fit for purpose, and does not present a danger. Even if her home is in an excellent condition now , we can all suffer storm damage etc. In our area the first £60 of essential minor repairs have to be paid for, but any other repairs up to £350 are funded through this scheme.
3. Home care services (these have to be paid for) to help with cleaning etc. In our area the minimum that can be arranged is 2 hours per week .This will mean she is on the radar if her situation gets worse.
4.Advice on/assistance with any welfare benefits she may be entitled to but not claiming AND help managing finances generally if needed/ disabilities more serious etc.
5. Advice on supported accommodation options in her own area - or in yours - should the time come when she can no longer manage independently in her own home even with visiting carers.
6. Carer support - and information - for yourself. You should make it clear you have caring responsibilities for your mother, even though you live at a distance.

Good luck!

Hi itsonlyme, What an awful position to find yourself in. Very worrying&must make you feel powerless to change the situation. Instead of looking at gadgets, is it worth looking at why your Mum's like this. Is she hurt about something& wants to punish you. Does she feel let down or abandoned. Was she always like this. Shes maybe got stuck where she is& it could be that the neighbours are nosey-like mine!- and thats why she keeps to herself. Without doubt, the knowledge that a deadly virus is outside, will make older people stay in,and away from other people, which is a real shame. I feel for you.

Unless you have strong evidence that she is dementing, and given that persuasion has failed so far, there is nothing you can do. She is legally entitled to decide what she can and cannot do and the Mental Capacity Act is clear that we cannot protect people from unwise decisions or behaviour UNLESS they are mentally 'incompetent' (in legal terms). Sadly, therefore, you cannot protect her from herself, and in her terms, it's served her well so far! Circumstances will intervene, no doubt, at her age. She might well have a fall or a medical event, but she knows that, and is prepared to take the risk. Very old people tend to view these risks differently to younger people. It is you who are suffering, but if appeals to her fail, you have little choice but to live with the uncertainty. There is an American Occupational Therapist called Teepa Snow who has written and lectured widely about 'elder' matters, principally dementia, and she characterises the elder fiercely independent person as a 'diamond' - glittering and apparently hard on the surface and reflecting all your emotional insecurities back to you! It is difficult, but you are doing your best. Good luck with your mum.

It's the falls. The worry of being unable to get up and stuck there all night is scary for both you and her. A movement monitor sounds like an excellent idea, or a personal alarm necklace.
Would she do that for your peace of mind?

I agree with earlier recommendations. Have the direct face to face conversation with your mother and agree a schedule of calls and visits that will put your mind at ease. Ensure her Bill's are paid by direct debit including insurance. Check her Will and any instructions about resuscitation administering of antibiotics etc are as she would wish. The latter has to be registered with her GP and is a regulated administrative process which will make life easier for both of you. Make sure she has q check up at the same time. You will feel better ,and whether your mother admits it or not she will feel the benefit herself.

My mother was very much the same. However when she died we found that she had not been managing her bills as we thought. Her gas was on a monthly payment plan, so she didn't need to do anything. However she had also been paying the amount for the gas used thereby paying twice over. The gas board had not informed her. The other worry is that she had failed to pay house insurance on her flat. A real worry as she might have been liable for any damage to the other flats in the building.

My mum died when she was 60 after years of disability and strokes 20 years ago so I'm not in your situation. worrying about a very elderly mother. As you say,bshe has been is fiercely independent and just likes her own company from what you have said but if she is rude to her neighbours is there something else going on? Has she always been like this? What has your relationship been like with your mother during your life? The best thing you can do is offer support and maybe advise her to get an alarm necklace that alerts companies such as Homecare if she has had a fall or needs help. Getting to the age of 90 is some achievement and to be still independent and I suppose she may be worried that you will think she needs to go into a home and the loss of indepence. All you can do is try your best really.

Itsonlyme- There are systems that can be installed which monitor movements in the house and set off an alarm if no movement takes place. I believe one is Hive. So if your mother didn’t get out of bed at her usual time or didn’t go into the kitchen to make supper, you would be informed. Of course, she has to agree to the installation.
Your problem is the opposite of the one we usually read, where the elderly parent is demanding help and attention.

My mother, in her 90s, until 2 years ago lived an hour from me. She wanted to stay in her home forever. I could foresee problems and I was right. She had a couple of falls, ending up in hospital. She started to not eat properly as she couldn't be bothered. She barely washed and started to smell. To cut a long story very short, she has been living with us for 18 months now as she just could not carry on. Your mother definitely needs a plan. Otherwise things will get much, much worse. I don't like the situation I'm in having my mother in my house and, basically taking up one-quarter of the property. If she had had the foresight to move closer to me a few years ago she could probably still be in her own home and I wouldn't be putting up with 3 carers per day coming into my home, using my kitchen, and me (in my 70s) doing all the washing, shopping etc etc. Also the stress all this has caused me has impacted on my health. My mother is only interested in herself and has little interest in anything I do and I often wonder why I have done everything for her. We MUST all plan for old age and what we are going to do about it.

Clearly, your mother is a fiercely independent woman who doesn't appear to feel the need for company. Would she consider having one of those personal alarm necklaces so that, in the event that she fell or hurt herself, she could just press the alarm and summon help? It would set your mind at rest that help could get to her in an emergency if need be.

Being very direct herself, she should be able to take a very straight conversation from you... ie., "Mum you need to have a plan for emergencies, and I won't stop bothering you until you have one in place."

Whether it is a cell or cordless phone she carries on her person, or one of those medical emergency buttons., it will give both you and her some sense of security. Threaten her with a daily visiting care aide or housekeeper. You never know she may capitulate.

Some elderly can be very stubborn. I know it is not nice to give up independence, but accidents can happen to the best of us.