Gransnet forums


Physical needs

(20 Posts)
Puzzled Tue 15-Sep-20 12:52:37

Thank You.
That will teach me not to keep my head down, and if all else fails, to read the instructions.

Fennel Tue 15-Sep-20 12:22:33

Puzzled - look to the top right of each post.
3rd from left it says Private message.
Click on that and the PM page comes up for the writer of the post.

Puzzled Tue 15-Sep-20 10:58:01

Honeyrum 221, I'd like to send you a PM, in the hope of helping, but don't know how.

Honeyrum221 Mon 07-Sep-20 11:55:36

Thank you Soozikini, I was thinking that there must be others like myself out there.
Puzzled, my oh and I have tried but it's painful for him to move and dangerous for his BP to rise, unfortunately from his waist down he doesn't have a lot of control anymore.
My husband and I have discussed this as if our roles were reversed then I'd wish him to find satisfaction somehow knowing that I couldnt help him. But I'll leave it there, thanks

Soozikinzi Mon 07-Sep-20 10:49:49

I am going against grain and saying there maybe someone in the same situation as yourself looking after their wife and the arrangement may work for you both . Obviously tread with caution since there are a lot of idiots out there but I hope you find some comfort there .

Chloejo Mon 07-Sep-20 10:44:41

Private message you

Puzzled Sun 06-Sep-20 10:53:04

If your needs are purely physical, rather than take risks, there are techniques and products that may help.
Can you not discuss quite openly this with your OH?
Try seducing him?
Possibly set aside a regular time when you can stimulate each other, in some way.
Talk to Relate?
Hope that you can find a solution

threexnanny Sat 05-Sep-20 19:32:33

D H Lawrence can give you the answer.

Millie22 Sat 05-Sep-20 19:29:15

If you do "love him dearly" then you wouldn't want to look elsewhere.

EllanVannin Sat 05-Sep-20 18:27:33

In sickness and in health !

ExD Sat 05-Sep-20 17:52:00

You are brave to air this problem but I think you must take care here, for your mental health really.
I'm sure you'll be sensible enough to keep safe from physical harm (rapists and murderers and such terrifying situations) but looking your husband in the face and being able to look in the mirror each morning may prove damaging to your well being.
If you go ahead you may find yourself developing feelings for the new friend with benefits, and that puts you in a real quandary.
I don't think you'll be happy ditching your sick husband and risk ending up despising yourself. Did you make the 'until death us do part' promise when you married?
On balance, I'd say - please don't do it! (but that's just one woman's thoughts on the subject).

EllanVannin Sat 05-Sep-20 17:36:44

It's better to leave than to go behind his back if this is the way you feel.

AGAA4 Sat 05-Sep-20 17:10:29

If you do find someone on a dating site you will hurt your husband. As you are thinking in this way it would be kinder to
leave him and start a new life than embark on an affair that will mean lying to your husband and cause more damage in the long run.

Judy54 Sat 05-Sep-20 16:29:05

Yes Honeyrum I agree with sodapop cheating is just that regardless of the situation. You are of course in a difficult position as a carer to your Partner whom you say that you love dearly but are no longer in love with. Think about what you mean by that as it will help you to focus more clearly on what you want. What do your daughters think you should do about it do you think they are really advocating that you should have a friend with benefits? You say you don't want to hurt your OH but this will no doubt be hurtful for him. Are you prepared to walk away from the marriage and hand over caring responsibilities to someone else either in the home or in a care home? Only you can decide what is best for you but make sure that you don't have regrets about your actions.

sodapop Fri 04-Sep-20 09:09:48

I think that is a hard decision Honeyrum if your husband is ill and needs care but you no longer have any physical affection.
Cheating is just that regardless of the situation and never ends well as I found out to my cost. Think very carefully before embarking on a course of action you may well come to regret.

Esspee Thu 03-Sep-20 21:38:04

Worst dating websites are the Christian ones according to my neice. She said she got lots of sleazy responses.

I used on line dating very successfully and only had one inappropriate response but I was in my late 50s. I found the free sites much the same as the paid for ones. I definitely recommend starting on the free ones and constantly reworking your profile for anyone thinking of trying this.

I am not going to comment on the OP's predicament.

Blinko Thu 03-Sep-20 21:14:32

Someone I know has tried these dating sites with some caution. She told me the ones that charge are better as you don't get quite as many chancers. Other than that, I don't have first hand knowledge. Good Luck, though.

greengreengrass Thu 03-Sep-20 16:42:59

There is also another woman's hour slot on dating over fifty but I can't find it. If you tune in every now and again they tend to cover dating trends quite a lot.

greengreengrass Thu 03-Sep-20 16:34:28

Woman's hour did an issue on 'dating over 50' online. I don't have much experience of it myself as I'm not looking at the moment, just making friends hopefully.

There are various websites out there, some better than others. Usual safety rules apply i.e. tell someone where you are going etc.

Some websites charge, others don't

Here is link to woman's hour programme. It is a bit negative about it but might be one avenue.

Honeyrum221 Thu 03-Sep-20 16:28:59

Hi, not quite sure how to say this but I could do with some advice. I'm a 62yr old woman, fairly attractive or so I'm told. My oh has had problems in the bedroom for over 15 years now and 6 yrs ago became unable to walk beyond 5 paces and has other medical issues. I'm his sole carer and although I love him dearly I'm no longer in love with him and haven't found him attractive for many years. My daughters have said that I'm not living just existing and I should do something about it. I really miss intimacy and without my girls and their children I would never receive any physical affection. My oh tells me often that he loves me but doesn't hug or kiss me anymore, we now sleep in separate bedrooms as he is a very noisy sleeper. My quandary is - do I try to find a friend with benefits, I'm not looking for a relationship I don't think, and if I ever managed to pluck up the courage to go looking how on earth would I go about it. I don't want to hurt my oh but I'm not sure I can go on like this.