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Difficult situation!

(14 Posts)
missunderstood Mon 07-Sep-20 11:02:35

Hello everyone,
This is my first post and I’m not sure if this should be in this forum.
My mum lives near Glasgow, and I live in England.
I am an only child.
I last visited at the end of February and, because of lockdown, haven’t seen her since then. She is a widow of 30 years, and, at 89, has outlived all her relatives and friends, so has no visitors. She manages all her affairs, has groceries delivered, and only leaves home when it is absolutely essential.
She has never wanted or needed help at home.
I call her every other day, and she is fine mentally, and chats quite happily, but is adamant that, I should NOT visit, especially since there has been a spike of cases in that area.
She has always been self-sufficient and capable - learnt to drive without telling my dad and then told him he should learn too - to keep up!
I accept that she has the right to make these decisions and I don’t want to cause her worry or upset, but the prospect of this going on for months is a difficult one to accept.
I know that there isn’t really an answer to this, but just wanted to know your thoughts.
Thanks for reading.

BlueBelle Mon 07-Sep-20 11:09:43

I think you have to abide by your mums wishes and at least you talk to her every other day so you obviously have a lovely relationship I used to speak to my dad on the phone two or three times a day just to stop him from being lonely although he never complain he was, he did say sometimes that the days were long.
You can’t force a visit on her if she’s not comfortable and you can’t force other visitors on her either having said that I can see exactly where you are coming from
Can you ask if you could have a visit when the spike has settled down maybe that ll give you both something to look forward to
Otherwise just keep making the calls she sounds as if she’s fine and she is the one setting the rules

Septimia Mon 07-Sep-20 11:11:20

It is difficult for you, and I sympathise.

Can you visit her without contact with other people in the area or on the way? Maybe you can arrange that you will visit when the infection rate is down and you can assess the danger as being low. And just say that you know she's OK but you'd love to see her.

Illte Mon 07-Sep-20 11:45:03

Could she manage WhatsApp? My family exchange snippets, photos etc several times a day. It's always nice to hear that "bong" and see what somenes up to at that moment.

We had it on for the Sewing Bee and chatted about the programme as if we were in the same room.

Maybe for in between the phone calls?

Smileless2012 Mon 07-Sep-20 12:03:23

You and your mum sound very close missunderstood so it must be hard for you to be unable to see her. I agree with BlueBell and go along with what your mum wants.

You can make plans for when things have settled down and just think how wonderful it will be when you do get to visit again.

missunderstood Wed 09-Sep-20 20:07:36

Thank you ladies,
It was nice to have a bit of feedback. It is an awful situation but I would never want to cause her any stress - her BP is high at the best of times.
I will try (again) to suggest that she tries using modern communication methods. Of course, the problem now is, that there is no one to show her how to get started. I did try a year or two ago, but she couldn’t be bothered with “that new stuff” pointing out that a landline had worked well for years.
Still for all that, she does well - I hope I’m as good when I’m her age!
Thanks again.

JenniferEccles Thu 10-Sep-20 11:36:52

Of course the distance involved between England and Scotland is a problem, but would your mum agree to see you outside in her garden?

Could you book into a B and B nearby for a couple of days and agree to see her every day?

If she doesn’t have a garden, is there a quiet park or open land near to where she lives where you could meet away from other people?

It would be a great shame to miss the mild Autumn weather, otherwise you are talking about leaving it until next Spring.

Hetty58 Thu 10-Sep-20 11:44:03

missunderstood, I think that, in your situation, with a mum of 89, I'd feel happier if there were some local monitoring for her.

Would she tell you if she felt unwell, or not want to worry you? Does she have a good neighbour or social worker? Is there anyone who could check up on her regularly?

lovebeigecardigans1955 Thu 10-Sep-20 11:56:21

It's tricky isn't it missunderstood? If your mum appears to be managing all right she might feel that you are fussing over her and be annoyed. You have my sympathy as you are bound to worry and the geographical distance doesn't help. Are there any local 'befrienders' who could visit - just for a natter? If she accepts such visits (and she may well turn them away) it could set your mind at rest.

Toadinthehole Thu 10-Sep-20 12:01:05

I think you should leave it as it is at the moment too. It sounds like it works well, and you have a good relationship, so she would feel confident in asking for help if she needed it. It’s so difficult now, with all these extra restrictions. The main thing is to keep safe. If it isn’t broke....don’t try and fix it💐

J52 Thu 10-Sep-20 12:43:52

I’d just continue as you are for the time being.
DH’s grandma lived till 93 in her own home and was fiercely independent.
Her relatives were 400 miles away and visited once a year. This was before mobile phones etc. She was always very happy and only accepted help with the housework in the last month of her life, and she resented that!

missunderstood Thu 10-Sep-20 20:28:50

Thank you for your suggestions.
I think I’ll leave it for now - she doesn’t like “fuss” and point blank refused my idea of having someone from Age Concern Scotland, to visit once in a while. That was well before lockdown.
I’ll just have to accept things as they are - she is happy and manages (I think!)
I hate the thought though, that one day I’m going to phone and there will be no response.
There isn’t an answer but at least I unburdened myself!
Thanks again.

ElaineI Thu 10-Sep-20 22:29:07

There has been a spike in cases in Glasgow so she is right. I think you are correct to abide by her wishes. She may worry about you if you visited however you are the only person who would know if she might welcome an impromptu visit by you.

ValerieF Mon 14-Sep-20 18:27:17

I agree. So long as your mum knows you want to visit and you keep in touch then she is obviously happy with this. She is probably worrying as much about you as you are her.

I would maybe do as someone suggested and book a hotel or b and b close by and then contact to say "Hey I am in the neighbourhood" Can we meet over the fence or whatever. Am sure, if you have a great relationship otherwise she won't say no! She is probably thinking of you more than her like "Don't fuss, we are o.k. keep yourself safe"