Gransnet forums


Taking care of my grandkids

(13 Posts)
bjane02 Sun 04-Oct-20 13:57:50

I can’t help being so mad. Last year my son basically dropped off his kids and they have been with me ever since. They are 3 and 4. He’s taken my independence and freedom away. I love my grandkids but I raised my kids and it’s unfair to be raising his.

I feel trapped because I either raise them myself or they go to a foster home.

My son on the other hand is living kidfree and doesn’t have a care in the world. He’s fully capable of taking care of his kids but he won’t. It’s so upsetting.

trustgone4sure Sun 04-Oct-20 14:38:57

I bet it is bjane02.
But where is the mother in all this ?.
Either way he is being totally selfish and unfair.
Personally i would call his bluff and tell him if he doesn`t come and pick them up you will put them into care.
You have your own life to lead regardless how much you love them.
I hope things turn out okay for you bjane02.

phoenix Sun 04-Oct-20 14:40:58

Yes, where is the mother?

Hard to offer any constructive advice without more info.

GagaJo Sun 04-Oct-20 14:47:09

I suppose you have to choose. If you give them up, you may not see them again. But if you keep them, it's a huge responsibility.

I wouldn't think twice, but that is a very personal thing.

crazyH Sun 04-Oct-20 14:49:18

Oh dear bJane - as the previous poster asked - where’s the mother? Where’s her mother? I feel so sorry for the children - how must they feel - it’s a good thing that they are only 3 and 4. Really, at our age we shouldn’t be looking after young children - it’s too much physically - I know I couldn’t......her family should pull its socks up and help out . Be straight with your son ... I wish you luck and I hope it’s all sorted soon without the kids going into foster care flowers

sodapop Sun 04-Oct-20 15:58:47

I'm not sure how you have had full care of your grandchildren all this time bjane02 without any input from Social Care or Children Service. They must be aware of the situation.
I would think long and hard about taking on the children permanently, some grandparents do this very successfully but its not for everyone. If their parents do not want them then it may be in their best interests long term to be fostered/adopted.
It's a very hard decision to make, I wish you well bjane

Hithere Sun 04-Oct-20 16:25:48

Where is the mother?

If both parents are not responsible for their kids, they should give up parental rights so you or a family could adopt the kids.

Thanks for taking care of them

Toadinthehole Sun 04-Oct-20 16:58:20

Sorry, need more information. How on earth has this happened?

bjane02 Wed 07-Oct-20 12:12:43

The mom is a Meth addict unfortunately and never been involved.

The kids are in DCF custody now. So I’m actually doing a kinship now. My son won’t do what he’s suppose to to get them back.

bjane02 Wed 07-Oct-20 12:15:04

It is a very hard decision. I’m at a loss. I don’t want to be raising kids in my 50s and 60s. I want to travel and do other things.

sodapop Wed 07-Oct-20 13:46:24

That's an awful situation bjane02must be heart breaking for you.

I understand your reluctance to be bringing up children now you are older, I would feel the same way. Given the circumstances of the parents I would think its in the best interests of the children to have a completely fresh start now with foster parents or adoptive parents. As the grandparent you would still be able to have contact with them I think.

ValerieF Thu 08-Oct-20 19:33:50

Ok bjane - take away the anger you feel towards your son. How much love do you feel for your grandchildren? There doesn't seem to be any other options for you other than to take your grandchildren or give them up. If mum is out the picture and your son is off doing his thing I doubt you will ever get them to take responsibility. Might not seem fair to have to make the choice but it has to be? You have the children now. You can't make anyone else take responsibility so you have to make a decision yourself.

Do what is right by the children - that is all anyone can do.
You may have to accept they will be adopted and you will not see them again? These kids deserve the best life they can have so please do what you think is best for them.

Iam64 Thu 08-Oct-20 20:15:54

You say the children are subject to involvement of Children and Family Services. Is that on a voluntary basis, an agreement with the children's parents, or is there an Interim Care Order. Have you instructed a child care lawyer? That's essential.
It's in the children's interests, and yours for there to be an ICO. Sometimes l.a.'s avoid care proceedings to save money and worse, may tell parents "agree to us putting the children with your mum / in foster care, or we'll go to Court". Much better for there to be a Court. Your grandchildren are young but need decisions made in their timescale.
If you're as honest with the social workers as you have been here about resentment and not wanting to commit to them for ever, the decision may be taken for you and the children place for adoption. I'm not being critical of you, you're in a rotten situation.