Sister being resentful?

I think there is some truth in what Chardy says. Those who live near the parents usually have had babysitters on hand, support, the ability to visit parents easily et cetera et cetera (not all I know - speaking from experience) I’m not saying it’s not difficult for the person who has to care for elderly parents because they live close by but it usually means that they have more than likely have over the years reaped the benefits along the way by living close by. Your sisters jealousy is a separate issue and you can’t change that nor her lack of interest in your life. Perhaps your thoughts and worry should be with your dad.

I think it's a good idea to read through previous responses to the original post or you may be posting what has already been replied to! meant in the kindest helpful way!

Just to add...there is a saying/quote similar to...Parents will look after all their children...but will all their children look after them?

I 100% agree with Donna1964 distance should not be a reason to go help out.

I live the furthest away from my Parents both 82 & 83. My Father now has Dementia...I do more for them than my other siblings who live on the doorstep. I hear quite often there is always 'one' who does more than the others'. Or it always gets left down to 'one who pulls their weight more'. With respect to you.. I will be honest with you. Using your own initiative and common sense would be a start. I would imagine giving your time to your Father and giving your sister a break would be more valuable to your sister than anything. You should not be using 'living 3 hours away as an excuse' for not helping more. If you left your home at 9 am or 10 am you could be at your Fathers by 12pm or 1pm...you could do that 3 days a week. Or care for your Father at weekends...that would give your sister a 'well earned rest'. She must be exhausted both mentally & physically and it will be affecting her health. You should not have to ask her what can I do? You need to get in there and pull your weight...she needs to be cared for too. So put the time in instead of Flowers...decide how much time you can give to your Fathers care per week and take a hold. Telephone her and say something on the lines of 'enough is enough' I am now going to give you some respite each week and tell her how many hours & days per week...ask her what days would be best for her? and mean it and follow through. I am sure she will be relieved and think more of you! You may mean well by sending your sister Flowers several times a year but quite frankly it is not enough...you dont live on the other side of the world..you live three hours away and should not use that as an excuse to sit back believing you are being fair to your sister and feeling put out that the conversation is one way when you speak to her on the telephone and that you are the only one making the effort to telephone her and she does not reciprocate telephone calls with you. I do believe you are being selfish and only when you are pulling your weight and working alongside your sister will you understand how hard it really has been for her and I do think it will bring you both closer and more understanding of each other. After saying all of this to you and your sister does not step back and welcome the respite...then she deserves all she gets. Sorry if this sounds harsh to you...I dont want to upset you...but sometimes being straight is the key. I am sure when you and your sister where little your Father would have travelled six hours a day to a job to bring the money home, to feed you both, pay the bills and give you a roof over your head as well as giving you love...so dont let 6 hours a day, three times a week stand in the way of both caring for your Father and your Sister. If after saying all of this and your Sister does not accept the care she deserves...then she deserves all she gets!!

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

So sorry that you are feeling unhappy. Don't waste your time trying to work out what goes on in other people's heads. You are doing all you can. x

I am another one who sees this from your sister's side. My sister often asks how she can help but if I tell her, her solutions are often more time consuming, impractical or scupper what is already in place. Absent siblings often don't have a real understanding of how much is involved. For example, I have just spent hours and hours on the phone trying to get help for my mother for her homecoming from hospital giving the right information about how long Mum has been struggling which has been year. I asked my sister to speak to the hospital to back up my claims as my mother is wholly delusional. She speaks to them and tells them it has been weeks...back to square one. She would be devastated if she thought she wasn't helpful because that wasn't her intention but it is frustrating. Although I keep quiet, there are times when I could scream at her but it really isn't her fault that she lives so far away, she is compromised by health issues and her mother is so bl***y awkward!

I was the other 'hands off' sister who was constantly made to feel that I was simply not 'doing' enough.

Mum was in a home, so no caring or housework was involved. I visited every week and complied with every request that I reasonably could.

My sister was obsessed and visited daily. She was always close to Mum. I wasn't and, therefore, my visits weren't really welcomed either!

The point I'm trying to get across is that it's unreasonable to expect others to behave, think and/or do the same as you!

Regardless of the family situation, I always find it quite irritating if I'm the one who always does the contacting.

Regarding the family situation, I was the one who was miles away. I never got any support with the grandchildren, if I had problems with sick children and work, I had to sort it, my kids never got taken out for a treat or a meal. It does cut both ways, and I hope it made me a more supportive gran even though I'm not on their doorstep.

Sorry but I empathise with your sister. She does all the mundane day to day things for your Father and must feel that you have only pleasurable bits. I was in the same situation for several years with my Mother. My sisters did keep in touch with her but I hardly rang them unless there was a problem they needed to know about. I frankly found my situation quite tiring with a family to look after as well. I think you are feeling guilty and she must be feeling a bit resentful. It’s all too easy to send flowers and gifts. They don’t help with her burden. Try to cut her a little slack.

If you ask your dad if there is anything you can do he will probably say no everything is alright, but thats because your sister is managing everything. You need to think what practical help you can offer your sister and then do it. Three hours isnt so far and there are lots of suggestions on here to consider.
I have to say in the years since my mum died my sibling and I have had virtually no contact, and sad though that is, especially as we have no other family, that is how I prefer it now.

I am seeing this from the view of the sister. My parents moved to be near me and 10 miles from eldest sister. Middle sister lived about 2 hours away. Middle sister visited once every couple of months, eldest sister visited every Saturday and took mum shopping. I, just over the road, visited every morning and lunchtime, and took a meal over every evening. Of course middle sister told everybody that she visited at least once a month and did everything mum wanted her to do! Yes, it’s very difficult being the nearest relative, but resentment only causes bitterness.

I’m another one who thinks you could take the initiative and come up with say, three practical things you can do to help out.
Maybe you can find ways of taking the burden off her. Decide what you can do. Does she cook for him? If so, commit to three dinners a week, freeze them and visit every month with them in an ice bag. If you can’t visit monthly, can you arrange for a grocery delivery? Maybe you can help with his shopping by doing an online order for him regularly.
If not, maybe she does the garden. Can you pay for a gardener?
Could you relieve her every six weeks for a few days? It’s really stressful being the local one on call.

Once you have a strong shortlist of ideas, then give her a call and ask her to think about the ideas you’ve had. If she sees you are really committed to helping her and not just assuaging guilt with flowers, she may open up about what she really really needs. A holiday sounds likely!

Good luck!

SuzieHi - how often do you keep in touch with your father and go and visit him? It's hard to work out what's going on here without this information.

A recently bereaved parent needs support and you may appear to be uncaring. No-one will expect you to visit as often as your sister can being the distance away that you are but - without knowing more details - it could appear that you are not making the effort to stay in touch.

Is there a history of resentment from your sister to explain her reluctance to keep in touch with you? Sometimes this can be hard to overcome.

I was away at university (also 3 hours away) when my father became very ill and my mother and sisters bore the brunt of helping him, taking him to hospital, etc etc. They thought I was away enjoying myself and not caring about my father or them and were very resentful for a long time, even though it was a quirk of fate that my father became ill when he did.

I suggest that you arrange a visit and discuss this with your sister face-to-face and go and see your father and make sure he knows you are thinking of him and ask him if there's anything more he would like you to do by way of support.

Don't leave these things to fester or these relationships may get worse.

Have been that sister. Sometimes felt a tad resentful that I was so hands on while DB on a different continent. BUT he was very appreciative, paid for extra domestic help and gardener and the one time I told him I was very close to breaking point, he was over on the next available flight. And we are still close and talk to each other a lot years on. It sounds like you are doing your best to be appreciative. Lots of good advice here. Good luck!

Maybe the word is envious rather than jealous of you. You say your dad is 95 so I would imagine your sister is late 60's/70? It's a big responsibility looking after an aged parent whoas you say is tech savvy but does your dad do his own shoppingwashing/housework/gardening/finances himself, or is that something your sister does for him or if not her, she has to organise the ones that do. Does she have her own children, grandchildren whom she might feel she doesnt get enough time to be with ? As an only child I gave up work after dad died, to care for my mum, who had Alzheimers, and while I wouldnt have had it any other way, it was the hardest thing I have ever done, both physically & emotionally. My brain went into overdrive every night, thinking of everything I needed to do the next day plus going over whatever had happened that particular day.

I had a similar situation,But I was the one local who did all the boring day to day stuff for my dad,my mum died a year before dad.
My brother lived away and it was like the prodigal son returning when he deigned to visit.
I felt resentful ,but it wasn’t his fault.It didn’t help that my dad would say how marvellous my brother was, it it turned out my dad was telling my brother how marvellous I was! once we both knew he was doing it, we could laugh about it,and some of my resentment went.
Could some of my story relate you you?

Crossed post Mary

Could you visit and stay with your dad or sister or find something self catering nearby for a few days.
I know the feeling of being the one that gave the help while my sibling sat back and did nothing. I was resentful especially as he was always golden boy.
Maybe you are golden girl. Who knows. Flowers are lovely, but talk to her, and offer some practical help.

You seem to be doing everything you can. Not easy at the moment trying to keep in touch with everyone. Your Dad's your Dad, so if he's happy with what you're doing for him, then that's the main thing. Your sister is a separate person and maybe she is resentful that she's the one being left to see to your Dad on a daily basis. Maybe when things are easier, you could stay with your Dad for a bit so your sister can have a break? Just an idea! I'm one of 4 and it's just me and my sister looking after our parents. One of my brothers does come now and again to see them but my other brother very rarely comes and barely keeps in touch with us.

Nipsmum - I suggest NOT worrying about things you cannot change.

discuss things less with your husband and dont pay too much attention to what your husband thinks of your family
What strange things to say. Why wouldnt she discuss her problems with her husband and why would she pay no attention to his opinions. Isnt that what husbands and wives do? Discuss things?

Morning. I have been the daughter who gave hands on support to my parents, and especially to my Mum before she passed. I have 2 sisters. One lives an hour away, the other 2 hours away. I was holding down a difficult job, running my own house etc and I had a big family. My sisters used to come down from time and my mother would fawn all over them ha! Yes it got on my nerves and I did think they were selfish. They never phoned me to see how I was doing. Living 3 hours away is no.excuse for not visiting your father. Instead of sending flowers you need to put in regular appearances and give your sister respite. You never know when your father will pass. My sisters did not help adequately and now my health is not so good. They did get round to visiting though. Sorry if you think this is blunt.

Being resentful won't help you. I lived 90 minutes drive from my sister for 30 years and she visited me twice in that time. She had her reasons i suppose, but that didn't matter. I phoned and visited frequently and that's how it was. She is now in a Nursing home and I haven't been able to see her since March this year. That is my most distressing thing. Worry about things you cannot change and accept the things you can.