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Lost & Lonely

(18 Posts)
UK50 Sat 10-Oct-20 13:46:00

It's been a challenging few years for hubby & I. He's lost dad, brother & we then cared for his mum with dementia. When MIL passed it was DH time to grieve for them all and he became depressed, I put my feelings aside to support him even though I too was very sad. It was a difficult emotional time but I just carried on & then my mum got cancer & life got a bit more demanding. Things got tense between DH & myself because he was depressed & I just felt I was shouldering everything, he was signed off work, I was working & coming home and having to do everything & even felt I had to think for everyone too. Then Covid comes along, DH returned back to work as a Key Worker & I am working from home again an alleged Key worker & working long stressful hours including weekends in isolation. DH then becomes unwell & is admitted to hospital and we are told he has Cancer. Instead of bringing us together it's pushing us apart, he is fine and positive one minute and the next he's hateful towards me and uses me as a verbal punch bag.I've just hit rock bottom, I'm angry, frustrated, scared, exhausted and still putting on that smiley face to the outside world, carrying on working etc but feeling numb inside and feel life is just one struggle all the time. I wonder if any of you have experienced these emotions and reactions towards serious illness and what helped you through.

midgey Sat 10-Oct-20 13:51:58

So sorry you are living in a nightmare. I have no advice but wanted to wish you well. flowers

dragonfly46 Sat 10-Oct-20 13:56:47

Gosh how dreadful for you. I do hope your DH's cancer is treatable and he can come to terms with it.
I too was diagnosed 2 years ago and if anything it has brought us together but initially it was very difficult. It helped that my DH did not try to smother me and allowed me to make all decisions regarding my treatment even when I said I did not want chemo.
I send you love and best wishes.

tickingbird Sat 10-Oct-20 13:57:31

I echo midgey’s post. I don’t have any constructive advice unfortunately but send my best wishes to you x

hollysteers Sat 10-Oct-20 14:06:41

Do you enjoy your work or is it out of necessity? You need to become more “selfish” for your own well being. Create enjoyment bubbles of things you enjoy and go ahead and do them independently, friends, trips etc. Make a list of the things that really bring you joy, even small things. I cared for my dementia/cancer/heart stricken husband for a few years and really believe my independent spirit got me through.
Allow some things in the house to slip for your own self care, take the easy way out housework wise.

Tweedle24 Sat 10-Oct-20 14:10:33

I have no constructive advice either but, really feel for you. Do you have any support at all to deal with all this? MacMillan for example? Were you not referred to anything like this? You can refer yourself to MacMillan who can help with emotional as well as practical stuff. Your GP should be able to refer you for help too.

I do hope you get some support and soon.

Sparklefizz Sat 10-Oct-20 14:20:13

flowers for you UK50. So sorry to read your post and really feel for you.

crazyH Sat 10-Oct-20 14:26:03

What a dreadful situation ...as someone suggested, do get in touch with the McMillan cancer charity flowers

Namsnanny Sat 10-Oct-20 14:29:55

If you havent already done so, please speak to your GP.
If you keep on shouldering this burden without some kind of support you too will become ill.

Wishing you all the very best flowers

Marilla Sat 10-Oct-20 14:42:25

What a dreadful time you have both had recently. Now to have to face cancer again with your husband must make you feel at rock bottom.

Sadly, as the person closest to your husband you are going to see the best and worst of his personality. Not everyone with cancer and other illnesses are ‘fighting the disease’ or being ‘stoical‘ throughout the day. This is the impression we get from the media and it’s very wrong.

Most people are scared and don’t feel brave and ready to embrace the situation. As suggested, perhaps McMillan could give you some support. It sounds like both of you need to talk about things and I do hope McMillan can be of help.

It’s all about finding out what is out there and available to you both in your area. If you have no success with McMillan then contact your GP and start from there.

I wish you all the best and keep in touch to let us know how you are getting on.

avitorl Sat 10-Oct-20 14:42:37

Really sorry that you are going through all of this.I have no advice to give but I felt I couldn't just read and ignore.xxx

sodapop Sat 10-Oct-20 17:20:51

You have had a lot of problems to deal with UK50 no wonder you feel weighed down by it all.
Have you any family you can talk to instead of keeping everything bottled up ? Maybe you could look at all the responsibilities you have currently and look at reducing them and asking others for help. There is absolutely no reason to feel guilty about asking for help.
I understand your husband is worried about his health and the future but he should not take his worries out on you. I think you should tell him how it makes you feel when you are trying to help. There are counselling services etc for cancer patients who could help him deal with his feelings more appropriately.
Find time to relax and have some peace. I hope things improve for you.

M0nica Sat 10-Oct-20 19:04:25

UK50 Here is the link to MacMillan support for the families of those with cancer. Just click on the link. At the bottom of the page there are phone numbers you can ring and they can help you contact your local group
www.macmillan.org.uk/cancer-information-and-support/supporting-someone

BlueBelle Sat 10-Oct-20 19:27:28

I m so sorry to hear your story you really have had a belly full
💐and a virtual hug

I too endorse the Macmillan help I only had three weeks after my Dads diagnosis to his end I was in shock for most of that time and went on auto pilot .,. in some ways it felt like a lifetime in others it was so fast I couldn’t catch my breath but without their help I just wouldn’t have managed My daughter that lives near me helped enormously and put me onto them they were really wonderful at helping both practically and being on the other end of the line when I was despairing and they pointed me to every help they could

Do find someone to talk to as well if possible you need to unload

Puzzled Sun 11-Oct-20 08:05:24

You have both been put through the wringer.
So sad for both of you.
But try to find a kind friend or relative to whom you can talk.
A trouble shared is a trouble halved.
At least, you should feel a little better having spoken about it.

You have started with this post!
A lot of people are thinking about you, and wishing you well

Grammaretto Sun 11-Oct-20 08:30:44

Nothing prepares you for the emotions you go through! I am sorry you have had much more than your share - all at once and then the horrid cloak of covid hanging over everything.

DH has been having treatment for cancer for 4 years and I have been through many of the feelings you describe. The treatment slows the growth but it isn't a cure and I have to think about a future without him, while trying to make the most of our time left together.
Life can be so cruel.

Contact the Maggie's centre too..
www.maggies.org/

gmarie Sun 11-Oct-20 08:41:20

I can only imagine how hard it must be for you right now and wish I had something to offer other than to say my heart goes out to you. flowers flowers flowers

Sark Sun 11-Oct-20 08:49:41

I can't imagine how hard this is for you.
Sending virtual hugs and very best wishes