Caught between 2 sisters - any advice?

A very thoughtful post 52bright and the last sentence is resonant of what will surely happen if the situation is allowed to continue. I know it only too well.

This is a very complex situation and of course we have only heard part of it. I feel sad thinking of any woman of 96 wanting to see a daughter and seemingly being prevented. I don't think the sister whose home it is can be forced to allow her sister into her home but are there any other ways of helping the mother see her daughter? She may be housebound but possibly not. Family took my mil out in a wheelchair, to the coast, out for lunches, to family homes until 2 months before her death at aged 94. You anbu to want your mother to see your sibling op, but are there ways in which you could facilitate this?
The situation is complex because, although her refusal to allow her sister to visit must be very distressing to your mother, your carer sister's full time care of your mother is a massive commitment and your mother choosing to live there could indicate that they have a close relationship in other ways.
You may have already tried this, but I would approach a conversation by first acknowledging how much your sister does for your mother. You could point out that as she loves your mother very much she might well be consumed with guilt if she keeps up this refusal to allow her sibling into her home until it is too late. I would keep out of the whys and wherefores of the original row if you can but gently press the case, pointing out that letting the other sister in would both be the right thing to do for your mother and also a generous gesture on her part in the light of her own personal animosity.
Certainly if your mother dies before your sister relents, it seems very unlikely that the sisters would ever reconcile.

I suspect you aren't alone in realising this situation, the ill feeling between two sisters, didn't happen overnight Hithere. No one is screaming abuse, some have suggested that if the elderly mother is unable to express her feelings and would like her 3rd daughter to visit, that should be possible. If the mothers wishes and feelings are ignored or ridden rough shod over, that could be seen as elder abuse.
Its a discussion not a war

The most powerful persuader is your mum herself, has she made it clear to the sister she’s living with that she really wants to see her other daughter, as if your sister loves her she won’t want to deny her that regardless of her own feelings? If she is adamant despite knowing it’s what your mum wants, then I’d agree it is an abusive situation

Two good posts Iam64 and Casdon

Traviata Your mum's wishes should be taken into account.

The most powerful persuader is your mum herself, has she made it clear to the sister she’s living with that she really wants to see her other daughter, as if your sister loves her she won’t want to deny her that regardless of her own feelings? If she is adamant despite knowing it’s what your mum wants, then I’d agree it is an abusive situation.

Iam64

We have at least a couple of posters saying this is abuse.

No, I don’t think you can do anything, except what you’re doing already. It’s your sisters house, so it’s her call. Could your mum live with you? Is that possible? It may be childish, but it is what it is, and you all have to make the best of it.

Chewbacca

^Is it possible for you to take your mother out for an hour?^

Traviata says in her OP:
she’s virtually immobile and fully dependent for all daily activities. She’s recently been very ill
^(she’s 92)^

Yes
Virtually immobile doesn’t always mean can’t leave the house

It was just an idea.

I suspect you aren't alone in realising this situation, the ill feeling between two sisters, didn't happen overnight Hithere. No one is screaming abuse, some have suggested that if the elderly mother is unable to express her feelings and would like her 3rd daughter to visit, that should be possible. If the mothers wishes and feelings are ignored or ridden rough shod over, that could be seen as elder abuse.
Its a discussion not a war

What an awful situation to be in.
So very cruel.
I can only think what others have suggested. Ask sister to go out for an hour and let the other sister go in and visit.
Your mum should be the priority.

This family has decades of interactions and background information

This could be very well (or not) be the tip of the iceberg.

A snipet in time given here is not enough to scream abuse and who the victim/s is/are

What a horrible situation for you, your mum and both your sisters.

Hithere, eliciting who said what and when in this discussion isn't going change the situation. It isn't about apportioning blame, the OP asks "aibu to say visits should be allowed?" My response is no, UANBU but I expect the sister who has mum living with her is likely to say UABU and it's up to her who she allows into her house.

What does your mum want? Is she able to express a view, or does the daughter she lives with exercise control over mum expressing her wishes and feelings? If so, that is elder abuse. If mum is able to tell her daughter that she'd like to see all her children, the easiest thing would be for carer daughter to either go out or given the strange times we live in, go into a room where she doesn't need to meet her sister.

Intransigent people are such hard work.

Social services, if involved, would ensure that someone wasn't left in an abusive situation. They would hopefully involve the courts/police in order to remove the victim, if necessary.

Rights, abuse, etc... way too dramatic for just not being able to visit in person.

How about calls, videochats, etc.

The mother can always choose to move to OP's house so anybody can visit as they wish.

Problem solved.

I am sorry that you have this situation, it is draining.

We had almost exactly the same in my in-law family, the only difference being that my MIL had Alzheimers, so she didn't know who was visiting (or what was going on really). But what is relevant is that one of the other sisters (there are 5 sisters) insisted that the sister who had been banned from visiting her mother be permitted to do so. Many rows, phone calls, other family members getting involved followed.

The sister who had issued the ban then simply had an attorney send a letter to the one who was banned enforcing her non-admittance to her sister's property. So that was the end of that, but many more feathers had been ruffled in the meanwhile. It does make me realise though that it is probably enforceable in law to ban people from entering your home no matter what the circumstances.

Sometimes I think that we have to accept that we can't "fix" everything. I agree with the posters who say you cannot get involved, it is between your sisters.

Whatever the disagreement was has probably been forgotten, it’s most likely neither will back down so keep on good terms with both yourself.
This is very common in families.

Being elderly just doesnt give you priority yo override everything going on around you so you get what you want

That cuts both ways hithere. The 2 sisters dispute shouldn't override what's going on around them either. They have a sick 96 year old mother who wants to see one of those sisters but the other sister is denying her that right. MissA is correct. This is coercive control and elderly abuse.

And being younger and more physically able doesn't, either, as I'm sure an elder abuse helpline will be happy to confirm.

How awful. It is abuse, pure and simple.

Your sister who houses your mother has to allow your mother to see all of her family and your job it to facilitate this.
Get her to go out when the other sister is to visit.

OP

You are not in the middle at all.

You need to stop being stressed about things you cannot control at all.

You have no power over your sisters' decisions or actions.

Has an impact, not have

"despite the best efforts of me and our mother this cannot be healed. As a retired nurse of 45 years in the profession I have most of the conciliatory skills off pat, nothing worked."

This is a huge mistake that people make - adults intervening on other people's disagreements, making it worse.

Then the problem that originated the fight becomes secondary and what is said by whom and why becomes the issue.

We do not know what OP or the mother said or did trying to fix this.
This very much have an impact on what is going on now.

Bottom line: let adults fix their own issues and stay aside.

Bring elderly just doesnt give you priority yo override everything going on around you so you get what you want

Is it possible for you to take your mother out for an hour?

Traviata says in her OP:
she’s virtually immobile and fully dependent for all daily activities. She’s recently been very ill
(she’s 92)

I suppose, for me it depends on why your sisters fell out.

Your sister has the right to decide who is in her house. Is it possible for you to take your mother out for an hour?

Getting in the middle of this will win you no favors. You run the risk of losing one, if not both of your sisters.

I feel so sorry for your mother in all this, just because two sisters have fallen out surely doesn’t have to mean the poor mum can’t see one sister on occasion, it’s her daughter after all, yes it’s the younger sisters home, but she has to remember it’s also her mums, why can’t the younger sister go out for a couple of hours or FaceTime etc, ridiculous situation poor mum

Her bullying abusive behaviour is unacceptable and it must be heart breaking for you and your mother to see. Sorry I don’t have any answers. Sending you love and hugs.