DiL wants a divorce I’m devastated

Involving the courts may cost money. In a comparable situation in our family 10 years ago it cost £1,000... and that was before the cuts in Legal Aid. Advice from Citizens' Advice Bureau would be a good start so you can act quickly if needs be. Alternatively some solicitors give free initial advice. You don't have to act on it.

It’s perfectly usual for a woman to have children with a new partner, it happens all the time, maybe there was twins in the three
Adult children living in can be a real problem and likely did not become a problem until after they married. If the one son took drugs, her husband got fed up and called the son an “idle good for nothing junkie”, she defended the son and it all degenerated from there.

She probably married him because the sons needed a father.
Errant daughters can be just as much a problem to a step parents.

He needs legal advice and quickly. Could he move in with you? He needs to present himself as a viable alternative to leaving the 3 children with their mother - the fact that her older children are so badly behaved, one smokes drugs, and that she hasn't allowed any of the other fathers access, should give you son a good case - especially if he has your support. Those older children are not a good example of her parenting, nor a good situation for the younger children to be left with. Hopefully, your son can present himself as a hard working, sensible, responsible parent who can (with your help and others?) do a better job bringing up his children. Tell him not to despair - to come out fighting!

I think he needs legal advice quick, and should file for custody of his children. The house doesn’t sound fit for three young children. A visit to Citizens Advice is the way to go.

unfortunately the use of illegal drugs is so widespread that it would not in and of itself tip the balance in his favour re custody.
she could make it very difficult or impossible for him to see his children. probably why he is torn. apart from toxic attachment to her.
he really needs to take specialist advice.
and don't do or say anything intemperate. nor offer anything.

Sounds like he married too quickly if he didn't have time to find out if he could get on the right wavelength with the adult kids. Courts will make sure he has access to his children and can stop the mother moving too far away to make it possible. In fact if he tells the authorities there are other adults abusing drugs in the house the kids are in, he could even get the younger ones living with him.

It was foolhardy to have three children in quick succession with things bad between the other children and your son. The fact that she doesn’t appear to have thought that much about those children she had, should have had him running for the hills. You cannot get involved, but she could have him over a barrel for the next 18 years. 'She sounds a total nightmare, the sort you dread your son ending up with. I just wish you good luck.

i agree with Dylant above.
it sounds a complex abusive situation.
men are abused too.

Sounds like your son would be better off out of the marriage.

Help him to get out of this relationship. Can he move in with you temporarily so he has somewhere to go (and you can look after him and have peace of mind that he is ok)?
He needs to get legal advice and get half custody of his children and there should be no reason why he can’t get this. This way he can bring up the children half the time and they can split the maintenance half and half.
How do you feel about child care and supporting him? Are you able to do this? It is a big thing for you to take on too but it sounds as though the small children could do with a different upbringing to the way the older children were brought up.
I wouldn’t worry about your DIL just your son. Does he have friends to talk to ? If not, he needs to be able to talk to you and your OH so everything can be put in perspective and he doesn’t end up feeling desperate and alone.

I haven’t said a word to her, I don’t think she even knows that we know they have problems. When I talk to him I try to remain balanced and fair and if he’s out if order I tell him straight. It’s so difficult he’s a good husband and a great father and he’s being abused. It’s heart breaking listening to him cry

He very much is treated as a mug but nothing he tries seems to work. If he tries to talk she rows and he walks away. If he says he’s not prepared to pay for something they want he’s a bad father to her kids.

He’s not smoking in the house but in the garden but still it drifts in. When they met the kids were in they’re teens and he’s been allowed no input in they’re raising apart from financially. He keeps saying he wishes he’d never got involved. She’s older than him and I think that was the start of his problems. We can all do better with hindsight and he wouldn’t have gone out with her if he’d been able to see it.

Three under 5s and 4 adults in one household would test anyone’s relationship. The adults are responsible for their own decisions but, like you, it’s your GCs I feel sorry for. It won’t be good for their father to leave, he sounds a relatively stable influence in their young lives.
There’s no easy solution but if the adult children could be persuaded to branch out on their own your son’s marriage might stand a chance. Are you sure your DiL doesn’t want to save her marriage? Divorce surely isn’t in her interests either?
A sad situation all round, hope you find a way through.

I had an absolute witch of a mother-in-law. She and my father-in-law tried to get my husband to divorce me when we had only been married three years and I was pregnant with my first child! Ever since, I have made it a rule never, ever, to interfere or get involved in my children's relationships. They know I am there all the time to support them and their partners if they need, but I will never, ever, criticise or judge. It's none of my business. This situation is deeply dysfunctional and sadly it seems there is no easy solution, but it is up to your son and daughter-in-law to work it out for themselves. I would counsel against resorting to solicitors unless desperate, as they only tend to make bad solutions worse by pitting one party against the other. I say this as a former (ie retired) Family Court magistrate. If the dispute did end up in court, it is most likely the mother would end up with custody of the little children and the father have regular access. What happens with the older children is irrelevant, as they are not the son's responsibility. I do have to say I wonder how someone can say they 'love' someone else when they feel they are treated so badly by them. That's not love.

Your son must leave, even if he loves his wife, she either doesn't love him or at least if she does, she doesn't respect or appreciate him. If he was my son I would be advising to see a solicitor and to start the divorce. He only has one live, as do we all, to be that unhappy that he wants to commit suicide, is the reason he needs to cut his losses and leave. The divorce lawyer should make sure he has regular access to the children, and therefore you as well.

If this sorry tale were retold as the poster having a daughter in such a situation, rather than a son, I think it would be clearer that this is a complex domestic abuse situation. Going out to work all day then being expected, not only to provide financially but also do domestic chores and look after the children whilst the two adult sons are sitting around smoking. They sound very entitled and they clearly have emotional power over their mother who is frightened of falling out with them. (I would guess that they’re bullies). He should seek advice from a local domestic abuse organisation and a family lawyer as he could be eligible for legal aid for a divorce and the children issues on account of the financial and emotional abuse he is experiencing. He is actually being exploited and abused by three people, not one, and it would be taken seriously. He needs to tell a professional how he is also being belittled in his own home, maybe see his GP in the first instance.

3 little ones breathing in fumes from weed? Perhaps both adults need to reconsider their parenting styles. Teenagers are not particularly looking for their parents to be friends, They need parents to be parents with boundaries to keep them safe. This disturbed weed-smoking boy needs help and may not be safe around small children. Weed leads to psychotic episodes.

So sorry for your son,he needs to get out asap,
My son put up with this abuse for 13 years, and whenever he tried to see the children she called the police,even though she had agreed to it,
In the end the police told her to stop wasting their time,he had never laid a finger on her,but often came to my house covered in blood where she had scratched his face
He has 2 sons who now don't bother with her, but see their father regularly

Please don’t encourage him to seek mental health help as was suggested upthread (unless he very much needs it which it doesn’t sound as if he does) Because trying to get custody or even part custody will be harder than ever if he is deemed to have mental health problems granB3 just said he was very unhappy nothing to suggest he has mental health problems

It’s heartbreaking isn’t it, he seems to be a decent man, I feel actually sorry for the three young children under five living with a weed smoker and the other one being investigated by the police! What a mess! It seems looking from the outside in that he’s being used as a meal ticket providing for them all, I know hindsight is a wonderful thing but did he not think that this was not ideal to bring children into

Surely the best thing for him would be to get out and leave? Then they will all have to support themselves and stop relying on him. He gets back his self respect as well. She will no doubt need help with the 3 babies and will need you for childcare. Try to stay newtral and don't criticise her.

The best way for him and you to have access to the children is to keep things as friendly and amicable as possible. I too think he is better off without this woman but love is love and not easily broken as well as easily turning to anger.

If they don't both stay friendly then it's likely to go the court route and that can take years even without a pandemic. So him staying friendly now makes that at least less likely on his side. If she is emotionally abusive, it may not stay friendly on hers but if wanting a divorce is her idea, there's hope.

Its awful when this happens and I understand how upset and worried you must be. The children often end up treated like assets in a divorce with mud slinging and stress for everyone.

That's the only advice I have really, help him get to a point where he can be reasonable and friendly and parent together without being together as soon as possible for the benefit of him, you and especially his children.

Why doesn't he take his kids and leave her. Find himself and the children somewhere else to live. He can divorce her get custody of children and she will have to pay him maintenance (if she works). He can claim benefit. He has evidence of mental abuse and the courts will not look kindly on children living with someone who smokes weed. He will also be entitled to benefits such as child allowance. And children will be able to access free nursery places.

Sorry but sounds like he's better off without her and her dope smoking son!