My DiL has told my son she wants a divorce they have 3 babies under 5. He hasn’t cheated, been violent or committed any other act worthy of divorce. He can’t get on with her children, certainly not through a want of trying. They are all adults and live with them. His argument is that they contribute nothing to the household (financialy or physically) and have never treated him with any respect. They are only ever nice to him if they want something. He feels excluded all the time. Whenever he complains to DiL she threatens him with splitting up. He’s desperately unhappy as he’s still in love with her and adores his children. He works really hard as a delivery driver often long hours but comes home cleans and helps with the babies. He’s concerned about her oldest son being in the house all the time, he smokes weed and can’t hold down a job. The other son is under investigation by the police. It doesn’t matter what goes on in the house They are never challenged and their are never any consequences because she’s afraid they will fall out with her. I’m at my wits end all of our family have suggested counselling (she won’t go) my son has seen a councillor who says he is being emotionally abused. I think she doesn’t love him anymore and he’s being pushed out. I’m terrified he will loose his children and I won’t get to see them anymore. He’s exhausted from supporting 4 adults and 3 babies and has been feeling suicidal. He keeps hanging on and provided he toes the line and doesn’t complain He says it’s doable. They had an argument and she now says she wants a divorce.
He’s in absolute pieces and has spent a few days with us. My OH just wants him to leave her and get out. Her other Ex’s didn’t see her children after they split up. I have loved my DiL and always wanted to be friends but she keeps me at arms length and I’m afraid to say anything to her in case we row and she doesn’t let me see the children. I’m also afraid that if I open my mouth I won’t stop! I’m heart broken and afraid for my sons life
His penis his choice where he puts it
I think your interfering is making the situation worse. They need to resolve it not you
He chose not to use contraception excusing him by saying he’s only human - ridiculous
Your son is responsible for his own contraception, whether or not the woman says she is using any. He's just as responsible for those children as she is.
Summerlove - you are right, women need to stand together x
Horrifying but true.
It’s a mans world and too many women like it that way to make a change
Summerlove
Hithere
Apart from the inability of being able to control themselves, they are also unaware of the most basic biology facts - how babies are made. (Sarcastic mode on)
Men can get away with murder in this world
And they do. Often. As we both know.
Dont get me started on them getting away with rape
As for the other two babies she refused to use contraception and he’s only human
No.
He is responsible for not using contraception or abstaining. You can’t blame that on her.
I have no idea about family law, having never experienced divorce or the such. I do know it sounds a very unhealthy environment for young children, and am not surprised Granb3 is so worried. It is lovely when you can look back and realise what you should have done, but not helpful. I’m sure there’s been mistakes all round, but those small children shouldn’t have to pay for them. They need to come first and be protected at all cost, and if that means applying for custody, residence, or just bedding down for the night...whatever you want to call it, even if it’s just temporary, that’s maybe what’s needed until you can get proper legal advice.
Apart from the inability of being able to control themselves, they are also unaware of the most basic biology facts - how babies are made. (Sarcastic mode on)
Men can get away with murder in this world
Oh dear..so hard when our AC have complications that we would like to sort out for them.
All we can do a parents is offer support: emotional and practical.... but not advice! It is very hard.
Legal advice from a specialist family mediation lawyer would be good for your son. There is usually 30 minute free appointments available. If you are in a position to do so you could offer to help towards the cost of futher legal advice. I would advise your son to request and attend mediation sessions to try to get regular access to his children. Children have a right to both parents.
I have a DD and 2 DGCs living in the same house as her ex-partner/their father though they are no longer a couple. Financially it suits them both and fortunately there is enough space in the home for them to live parallel lives. It has maintained some stability for the children but I worry about my DD who works hard, does all the child arrangements etc. and has no time, or money, for a life for herself. I am sure there is friction but less than when they were trying to maintain a relationship. Not what I would choose but I am not her.
* he’s only human*
What an absolute idiot.
You mean like men who just can’t control themselves when a short skirt walks past?
He’s an adult. He has caused this situation. I bet there’s a lot more to this than he is choosing to disclose. Stay out of it.
And FYI. There’s no such thing as custody in the UK. It’s residency.
"As for the other two babies she refused to use contraception and he’s only human"
All humans can use contraception themselves - condoms, for example.
Having a baby takes 2.
quizqueen
Why would your son choose to produce 3 young children in quick concession with a woman who has brought up her 2 older children to be lazy, a drug addict, disrespectful and a criminal. Did he really think it was going to end well! Very poor judgement on his part and now his mess to sort out.
Wow you’ve made a lot of assumptions! Firstly when they had the first child only 2 of her kids were living with them and they were rude and difficult but my son with no experience because he’s a lot younger than her though it was just typical teenage behaviour. He was trying to be a good step father but this meant putting his hand in his wallet and not expecting anything in return let alone providing boundaries or disabling. The police investigation has only just come to light because she withholds information from him all the time. The oldest of her children has been living away from home since they got married and has just returned.
As for the other two babies she refused to use contraception and he’s only human she’s also a coercive controller and bullies to get what she wants. None of us saw this absolute mess coming! Hindsight’s a wonderful thing and we can all do better with it.
You are taking everything he says at face value... big mistake
Your son took on a partner with a ready made family, for better or worse, does he really expect her to turf her children out ?
I think they both need counselling to find some middle ground without interference .
I feel sorry his wife she’s between a rock & a hard place with this
Also you aren’t helping him by letting him run out on his family & not facing his responsibilities. If they do reconcile this could damage your relationship
roey1948
its the other way round for me. After 15 years of an extremely happy marriage, getting debt under control and buying their dream house.
He had been a career soldier and recently retired from the force to enjoy a happy life.
They seemed to have it all and were blessed with a beautiful little girl, now aged 8.
Out of the blue my son found another woman and after only 3 weeks with the new one, he told my DIL he no longer wants to be married and is moving out to go live abroad with his new woman.
I really thought highly of my DIL and said she was the perfect wife to my son and for that reason alone I loved her.
This is still very raw as it just happened in the last week.
DIL devastated and I am heartbroken for her and my granddaughter who is a real daddy's girl and will be inconsolable.
He is my son and I love him but right now ''it takes a whole lot of love to hate him the way I do''.
I can't and won't interfere but I am so lonely and deeply sad.
It is so difficult to see it all unfold and to be unable to do anything but watch.
So sorry to hear that, especially, as you say, you are unable to do anything but watch.
I can’t offer anything except to say my thoughts are with you, and just hope that everything works out.
"He hasn’t cheated, been violent or committed any other act worthy of divorce"
There is no approved list of divorce worthy circumstances.
If a partner wants a divorce, that's enough.
We've only heard one side of the story. I do wonder what the DIL would say? We can't assume the son is blameless.
I'd forget the custody idea as men rarely get it, only in extreme circumstances.
Two I've known have. The first was suddenly abandoned by his wife. She left him with four young children, started a new life, never visited and showed no further interest.
The second had a wife who lived in a mental health institution, being a danger to herself and others.
Somebody in the house who smokes weed or has criminal convictions is not enough cause - very common in fact.
I made a big mistake when my daughter's (then) boyfriend demanded a 'break' being unsure of their relationship. She was inconsolable - and I called him all the names under the sun, told her to forget the loser etc.
Of course, they got back together after a few weeks, are now happily married with children - and he's still rather wary of me!
As it should do.
No shirking, they are his responsibility to support.
Divorce need not cost a great deal although if property is involved it probably will, a couple can agree how to divide the marital assets and any maintenance without lawyers involved.
I hope the OPs son does not have property to his credit because it could cost a very large part of that and maintenance of 3 kids for many years.
There's no indication that the son wants or expects custody. I also imagine that the adult children claim some sort of benefits as it's difficult to imagine so many people being maintained on a single delivery drivers salary. It does seem that this marriage is over but financially divorce is very expensive and your Dil is going to figure in all of your lives for the foreseeable future so it would be well to continue communication about contact and other practicalities. It's going to be difficult, but sadly not a unique situation.
I was just about to say that.
Those who suggest residence will be removed from the mother because one of her adult children smokes cannabis in the garden, one is being investigated for something, we have no idea what, must have very little knowledge of family law.
My heart goes out to your son. His wife sounds like a controlling bully. Yes, he should see a good solicitor and get sound advice on how to proceed. A good relationship counsellor may help him to decide what his options are and what steps, if any, he wants to take.
Your son needs to talk to a lawyer to know his rights.
its the other way round for me. After 15 years of an extremely happy marriage, getting debt under control and buying their dream house.
He had been a career soldier and recently retired from the force to enjoy a happy life.
They seemed to have it all and were blessed with a beautiful little girl, now aged 8.
Out of the blue my son found another woman and after only 3 weeks with the new one, he told my DIL he no longer wants to be married and is moving out to go live abroad with his new woman.
I really thought highly of my DIL and said she was the perfect wife to my son and for that reason alone I loved her.
This is still very raw as it just happened in the last week.
DIL devastated and I am heartbroken for her and my granddaughter who is a real daddy's girl and will be inconsolable.
He is my son and I love him but right now ''it takes a whole lot of love to hate him the way I do''.
I can't and won't interfere but I am so lonely and deeply sad.
It is so difficult to see it all unfold and to be unable to do anything but watch.
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