Disappointed with son

pepper I expect the cake and chocolate were meant to be from all of them and of course it was a very nice, personal, touch but really with all you do for them I would have thought something a little more generous would be forthcoming. It's not a case of expecting some sort of payback for childcare - just a way of demonstrating appreciation for all that you do.

My parents did help out a bit from time to time but no way would they have taken on as much as you and your husband. And yet we were always very generous to them. They visited often, and quite frequently had holidays and short breaks with us.

With our own grandchildren we have helped a lot with childcare and don't begrudge it at all and - mostly - enjoy it. But a good deal more appreciation is expressed and demonstrated.

I actually would cut back on how much you do and how much you give. I'm inclined to feel that sometimes people who are very generous with their time (and sometimes their money) and who don't make a big thing about it get taken for granted.

It outrages me the fact that so many people are being used as free baby minders for their grandchildren. Don't parents realise that grandparents are entitled to a life of their own

Presumably grandparents can say no if they don't want to do it!! It is up to them to make clear what they are willing and able to do!

The advantage for men on marriage is that they never have to buy another birthday card, except for wife of course. They bow out of the whole thing, which is what seems to have happened here. A birthday cake with dil and grandchild - marvellous!

Our birthday is the one special day we can call our own so I have every sympathy with how you are feeling. Why are sons/men allowed to get away with such thoughtless or disrespectful behaviour? Why do women allow it and fill in the gap?
Reading between the lines I think you are right to step back from money gifts and, more importantly, childcare because I fear you/your husband will get sucked into yet more childcare with baby 2. The expectation might be there so now is a good time to claim back some freedom and start as you mean to go on.
Start saying No to small things & I'm pretty sure with practice it'll get easier.
When you eventually give up work or work less, believe me the freedom is heady stuff so lay the foundations now before you both get more bogged down.

I.have a son like that and it hurts. I always shed tears around my birthday.

I think when something like this happens we should 'do as we would be done by' that is - not buy a present back. Your DiL was very thoughtful and sweet with her gesture and I would be delighted by the little cake. but it is your son that should have done something bigger perhaps. When it is his birthday, take a cake around and if he comments about not receiving a present then say 'Oh, I thought we weren't doing birthday presents anymore - I'm so sorry!'

Gosh OP - do NOT do this. I cannot bear this sort of game-playing. It is manipulative and underhand and utterly grim.

It outrages me the fact that so many people are being used as free baby minders for their grandchildren. Don't parents realise that grandparents are entitled to a life of their own. My mother had definite opinions about this stating that she had brought up her kids and was not going to have grandchildren dumped on her. She was quite happy to have her grandchildren every other weekend, but 5 days a week! Never!

I find this post interesting as I have a similar situation. I provide childcare for both my son’s children. Youngest one clearly appreciates it and they invite us for meals, buy us little treats occasionally and give thoughtful gifts.
Oldest son didn’t bother with presents for birthday or Mother’s Day a few years ago, then the following year for a big birthday got me a real wow of a birthday gift.
The following year I got flowers for Mother’s Day but no birthday present and this year the same. My birthday is always around Mother’s Day hence the mention of that.
I was just going to stop doing gifts for him and his wife but he had a big birthday in lockdown and I planned to treat him to a family meal, including everyone. Unfortunately I haven’t been able to do that yet because they had a new baby so didn’t want to go out at that time but will as soon as possible.
It hurts because they give such lovely gifts to so many other people ( I suppose it’s DiL who does it but not sure why I’m excluded) they are very comfortable financially so that’s not the reason.
My dilemma is do I just continue gift giving next year, Dils birthday is in February or do I stop? So reading these replies and trying to figure it out.
Pepper12 I hope you post your decision, it will help me too ?

kelseylee01

I can relate to you my daughter is 19 and i dont even get a phone call or a txt wishing me happy birthday I think its the generation to be honest, I’ve noticed they are very self centred. I’ve come to accept it but I dont like it I think its disrespectful and I could never do that to my parents, happt birthday from me in NZ xxx

I’m sorry, I have to comment on this.

People in general are self centered, not one generation any more than another.

If you find your children are more self centered than you’d prefer, then as a parent it’s your job to correct that.

You cannot blame an entire generation of being self-centered, when you actually mean that the child you raised is self-centered.

Sheilasue

Sending love and xxx

Sadly, it is all too easy for childcare to be taken for granted. But I am not sure this is connected to your upset about the present. They are two separate issues, although I think your response is linking them together.

Re the present - i you have at some point given the impression that you don't want a fuss, then it seems that what was done for you was entirely appropriate and included the whole family, including your son in his own way

if you have never given that impression then only you can decide if you want to speak to your son bout it as only you know how this might affect your relationship etc. Personally I wouldn't say anything, but that is just me

Re the childcare, only you can decide what you are happy to offer and to enjoy. Over and above that, don't do it. And it is best not to expect "gratefulness/appreciation" as then you can't be disappointed when it doesn't come. Do what you want to, enjoy it, do no more and expect nothing!

That is sad barbiann57 do you treat yourself to something really nice on your birthday I would.

Have a gentle, quiet word with your son so he knows how upset you are, don’t let it fester.

In all the sixty four years of our marriage my husband has only bought me a birthday card once. The words said 'To my best friend'. I always remembered his birthday. He has never bought me a Christmas present either. A few years ago he asked me to stop buying him presents, so he even deprived me of the pleasure of seeing him opening them. I use to get upset but not anymore. Even so it does make me sad when I see how my friends celebrate their family anniversaries.

Theoddbird

Good point

I am always surprised when people refer to child care as a privilege! It’s a favour to the parents and while it’s lovely to spend time with grandchildren, when it’s looking after them for parents to go to work it’s definitely a favour and should be appreciated as such; all the more if the grandparents have had to reduce work hours or taken an income hit to do so. Enjoying grandchildren in your own time is a different matter.
I don’t think you are being unreasonable to feel hurt but I think you are focusing wrongly on the cost of the gift rather than the lack of care from your actual son. It sounds like Dil made an effort and sweetly got your grandchild involved but son should have rung you independently to wish you happy birthday
In our family birthdays are made a fuss of whatever your age, our philosophy is that there are precious few special days when you become an adult and what there are should be celebrated and time taken to make the birthday person know how much they are valued. it’s also nice for children to see that the fun doesn’t stop with being grown up

I think when something like this happens we should 'do as we would be done by' that is - not buy a present back. Your DiL was very thoughtful and sweet with her gesture and I would be delighted by the little cake. but it is your son that should have done something bigger perhaps. When it is his birthday, take a cake around and if he comments about not receiving a present then say 'Oh, I thought we weren't doing birthday presents anymore - I'm so sorry!' I guess the with regards for looking after your GC is that the reward you get to spend quality time with her which will never have a monetary value. My only GC's live 5,000 miles away so I would forego any present, birthday or Christmas, just to spend a little time with them. Maybe counting your blessings might make you feel better.

I have three sons one still at home so yes see him everyday. The other two work have families but I don’t bother them just the occasional phone call an due visit when possible. Middle son does not keep in touch and always says he’s not good at that sort of thing yes it hurts but we haven’t fallen out over it. I do get birthdays and Christmas presents and they don’t forget Mother’s Day. So yes I would be upset like you.

So because you do something for them you expect a bigger birthday present? I was taught that it is wrong to give to receive. Saying that I suggest that you don't give him or his wife a birthday present. Your choice.

As others have said - I think you have worked it out yourself.

I would summarise it along these lines:
* accept our children are all different in how they regard their parents birthdays and how much they appreciate us
*often it is the wife who works out presents/cards for everyone's birthdays - and they view these as being from the whole family
* decide what is reasonable for you and your husband to provide by way of childcare
* decide what you can afford by way of presents (we give to mainly GC at Christmas)
* decide what's right for both of you in terms of working hours
* enjoy the time you have with granchildren
* don't make your giving/decisions based on what they seem to give back or how much they appreciate you , but on what your heart and your circumstances tell you is best

Best wishes for good health and a good work/life balance and many happy hours with your granchildren ( and children).

You’ve arrived at some very wise decisions.
Maybe be excessive in your appreciation for the thoughtfulness and kindness shown this year in the hope that it will be redoubled in coming years. Failing that, do as I do (having been trained by my two sons): don’t be subtle! In advance of your birthday openly state what you’d love to receive and smile sweetly.

Sheilasue Just want to say you are in my thoughts. So sorry for the loss of your son.

Crikey! Family relationships are a minefield, aren’t they?

Clear communication seems to be the best solution (as always) and I’d certainly want to clarify childcare arrangements before the next grandchild is born.

Grandparents seem to be assumed to be financially secure enough to become free childminders with lots of time on their hands these days.

Do grown up children enquire about their parent’s ability to do this when deciding to expand their family? Or do they factor in the cost of childcare if both parents need to work? Big questions when sorting out a family budget.

I think the trouble here is that you and your husband originally took on child-care out of the goodness of your hearts.

Within a family, I don't think it is usual to expect to be paid for child-minding, so yes, a birthday and a Christmas present would be in order.

If you bring this up with your son and DIL you risk starting a quarrel, so I honestly think you should consider carefully whether it is worth it.

Oh dear, my son and DIL forgot my birthday 2yrs ago, despite it’s the same day as his and my youngest son’s birthday, and despite me taking a present beforehand toDIL to give him on the day.
Next two yrs nothing, just a card, long story. Moved on now, much better! (Sometimes)