Disappointed with son

I think some children do use and abuse parents good nature. Especially mothers. And to a certain extent we don’t mind. But sometimes we feel it would be nice to be appreciated.
I help a lot with my grandson, I don’t want paying, but my daughter is very though at Xmas and birthdays.
My youngest son, who lives with us doesn’t do Xmas or birthday presents, which is fine as he does such a lot of diy jobs round the house.
My oldest son used to give Xmas and birthday presents, not always on time. But when he and his partner visited, would bring flowers and a cake. Which was lovely. We didn’t see him very often.
But we are estranged now and I haven’t seen him for 4 years.
You have to tread very carefully with ac, they can be very unforgiving. Whatever you’ve done for them in the past gets forgotten. As I know to my cost. I think once you’re estranged from one of your children, it makes you very wary of upsetting the others.
So, take one step back, don’t get too upset about your birthday. And give them plenty of time to sort their childcare out.

Happy birthday for yesterday Pepper (we share with Prince Charles?). I got a very late phone call from and flying socially distanced visits from youngest. Think I'm more upset that all they seem to care about is how we intend to divide up our "wealth" now that we (as their parents) are divorced!! Must say that spending my retirement on wine, chocolate and travel is becoming increasingly favoured and leaving any funds left to charity. I had nothing but memories from my parents and expected nothing as knew hard work was how you got want you wanted. I thought my children had same thinking but seems they are selfish and entitled like so many others. In future I shall treat myself to nice things and appreciate the friends I have who put a lot of thought and care into their gifts to me ?

In reply my son can be thoughtless and I know that it will not change so it will be up to us to make the small changes that will improve our lives and not let resentment build and cloud our love for them

Very wise

Personally I would not make an issue of it .....birthdays come and go, some people set great store by them, others don't ......also a lot of grandparents have no contact with their children OR their grandchildren ....so as you do, I would be content with things the way they are ! It is a shame if you love your birthday and think it should be celebrated and it seems you do a lot for the grandchildren. I would jokingly say to your daughter in law ...it was nice to have a chat with (son) ....ha ha did his card get lost in the post ? and laugh and leave it at that ...........she may give him the messasge that it is important to you .......BUT more important is that you are at least in touch with your grandchildren and children ...a lot of people would be thankful for that !

Having the grandchildren is a present for me. A real privilege.

I do sympathasise with the care being taken for granted my husband had our grandson 2 or 3 afternoons a week to save fees at the nursery. Now he’s at school we hardly see him . We didn’t expect payment or anything but when it was my husband’s birthday I remember thinking to myself o well he should get a nice present which he did the first year but not much after that . I think grandparents very quickly get taken for granted. I think the present from you GC sounds lovely and thoughtful however and I suppose that was from the family asa whole ? I’d be happy with that x

pepper12

Thank you for your kind replies. Having spoke to my husband we have decided to enjoy the time we spend with our grandchild and value the special bond that we have with her. In the cold light of day it is more important than presents. However we are going to be cutting down the gifts of money for their birthdays and the presents at Christmas and we will think about how much time my husband gives up for childcare as he wants to return to work in the new year and my daughter in law will be on maternity leave and our grandchild starts preschool every morning. In reply my son can be thoughtless and I know that it will not change so it will be up to us to make the small changes that will improve our lives and not let resentment build and cloud our love for them

I think you are making some very sensible choices there. It can be hard when you think your adult child is taking you for granted. I could tell my two sons that I felt that way and I know we could discuss it without acrimony. My daughter would take offence and it would cause great upheaval. Consequently, I adapt my strategies to take that into account. It is only worth tackling if you think you can affect change and you are not going to suffer more for doing so.
I hope all goes well for the future.

As others have said I think we are all feeling extra sensitive at the moment, I would have thought the gift came from all the family and not expected a separate one pepper12.
I do think that now is probably the time to review your child care arrangements with your family. It does seem they are expecting a lot from you and your husband. You need to sit down together and talk honestly about your expectations and theirs, hopefully this will avoid misunderstandings and resentment in future.

I'm amazed that you value relationships by the money involved!

Great point on the dil's present also being the OP's son's.

If anything, I would be more ticked about not seeing son in person that day and him not coming in with dil and gc - just being picky about the situation.

Have your son and daughter in law had a drop in income due to the pandemic ? We have as my husband is self employed and though he gets the self employed grant, which has been a blessing, and I have my pension, we have still experienced a significant loss of income, so we are not spending as much on presents for my 6 grandchildren this year. They will still get something related to their hobbies, and I am making hampers with homemade chutney, ham, cakes, biscuits for my sons and their wives. I know a lot of people are in the same position this year. Difficult times.

I don't expect anything from my children as I love them unconditionally. That said, I always get a lovely card by Moonpig or in the post or in person where they thank me for everything I do. One of them sends flowers, one gives me a plant and the other one nothing as she is not working. It sounds like your son loves you as he wants and needs you in his life with his family. He unfortunately does not know how to express his feelings, and not to send you a birthday card is unforgivable. Have a word with him about it, tell him how disappointed you are and that it makes you feel you are not appreciated. See if he has a valid excuse. He did phone you so your birthday is definitely not forgotten. Hope he makes up for it and gets you a lovely Christmas prezzie. I hope things work out well for you.

I find it very annoying that children expect a free ride with childcare. Yes I have helped out on occasion for both my Daughter's, but they certainly didn't "expect" us to. When our children have children they need to take into consideration childcare costs, helping out is one thing,but treating Grandparents as babysitters is another. I fully understand that childcare is expensive, but I also feel if grandparents are still working themselves it's a lot to ask.

You are not being unreasonable at all, you both are doing a lot in terms of childcare, and it would have been nice to receive presents for both of your birthdays, I don’t believe necessarily that sons don’t remember their parents birthdays, both of ours do with no prompting from anyone! The presents don’t have to cost much it’s the thought! We would also feel used, we have helped with our grandchild’s care but not in lockdown, but over the years certainly have, maybe it’s time to step back a bit on the childcare as you feel used, and let them find alternative, the cakes sound lovely by the way,

Sheilasue I'm so sorry to hear about the tragic loss of your son. I hope your gd has helped to fill that space in your heart in the years since then. Thank goodness you are there for her. Wishing you many blessings. xx

Sheilasue, Your story is so sad, and a reminder to us all to value our children. Sending condolences.
pepper, I am sorry but I think you are being unreasonable. Obviously the little gifts were from the whole family including your son. Be grateful that you have such a lovely daughter in law.

So many presents are bought with no thought put into them whatsoever ( a quick trip to boots to pick up a toiletry gift set you don’t even like etc )
I’d rather have a heartfelt ‘happy birthday’ than a nondescript present that never gets used.
But I do understand why you feel upset. You help them out so much ( saving them lots of money in childcare ) a lovely present to thank you for all your help would have made you ( & your husband ) feel really appreciated.
However, I would never stop looking after your grandchild as that’s just wrong in my opinion - ( unless you have to of course for other reasons ) - enjoy your grandchild and move on from this birthday disappointment as soon as possible.

Giving childcare is just about the only way I get to see my grandchild on a regular basis (in normal times), otherwise would hardly ever see them as they live far away. Pay for all my own travel costs and put up with much disrespect from son. Sometimes feel I have to suffer for the privilege of being with my grandchild, but the years pass quickly and I will have to put up with it or my grandchild won't know me. I'm glad I stuck with it bearing in mind the long lockdown this year.

weirdly enough I think it is because he feels so secure in your love he doesn't bother. My son is a bit like that and when I get outraged at his seeming indifference my daughter will remind me that it wouldn't occur to him that I was being slighted or disrespected. Its a kind of backhand compliment. And if your DIL is doing her bit even more reason for him to think it is not his job. I bet he'd be amazed at how strongly you are taking his forgetfulness...indifference whatever. So don't be too upset. He loves you just doesn't know how to show or know that he has to.

I see why you were hurt - but I agree with so many others here that it is not worth endangering your love for your son and grandchild and such important relationships. If you can put it aside - and continue to be the person you want to be - generous, and kind - that will give you a happy way ahead. Its better to be the person you are and want to be, than let others' behaviour shape you. I wish you well!

The daughter in law you mention is the wife of the son you're wondering whether to be disappointed in? I'd say this was standard married man behaviour. The wife was dealing with your birthday present, he simply added his voice as an after thought Nah, you're doing well that the dil cares enough to make an effort, you can be sure it's with your son's blessing.

Be very careful about telling your son that you are upset by his thoughtlessness, I speak from experience!! My son, who I supported in adulthood more than anyone else, treated me with indifference unless he wanted something. My counsellor asked me if I had told him how upset I was about this as maybe if he knew things would improve. Quite the opposite .. he decided to cut me out of his life completely rather than accept he treated me unfairly. He has even tried to prevent me having contact with my GC through their mother (they are not together) but thankfully she sees that it would be bad for the children as they know me very well and would be upset that I disappeared.

They were thoughtless and you would be right to say something.

However, I see so many threads on Gransnet where people have fallen out and have limited or no contact with their grandchildren. Is it really worth the risk?

I know this is letting them off the hook. In your position, I would drastically reduce the amount I spent on them for their birthdays. I would not reduce what I spent on the grandchild.

Just to have a birthday remembered is enough for me.

I'm so very sorry that your son treats you in such a cavalier fashion pepper12 I think it's wholly unacceptable.
I count my blessings that my own DS always marks my birthdays and Christmas time with his own special thoughts and love. I get a joint present from him and his partner (sometimes expensive, sometimes modest, they're both self employed and income fluctuates) but always a card just from him ( partner sends her own) with a thoughtful message inscribed. A visit if work commitments allow (he lives 300 miles away) but always a phone call from him if unable to visit with time set aside for a good long, cosy chat.
It's not about money spent it's about time and consideration and being made to feel an important part of his life still.