Disappointed with son

Thank you for your kind replies. Having spoke to my husband we have decided to enjoy the time we spend with our grandchild and value the special bond that we have with her. In the cold light of day it is more important than presents. However we are going to be cutting down the gifts of money for their birthdays and the presents at Christmas and we will think about how much time my husband gives up for childcare as he wants to return to work in the new year and my daughter in law will be on maternity leave and our grandchild starts preschool every morning. In reply my son can be thoughtless and I know that it will not change so it will be up to us to make the small changes that will improve our lives and not let resentment build and cloud our love for them

We don’t really buy presents. Maybe the odd one, but I don’t expect to receive any either. My SIL used to love buying presents but they could be rather bizarre! My DH had a beautifully wrapped present from her one Christmas, it contained sparkly rubber gloves, a scourer and posh washing up brush - all because he once said he enjoyed washing up. Didn’t go down too well, he still grumbles about it. Me, I had a lovely knitting bag with needles, wool etc. I liked mine!

I buy my old Mom a token present as there is nothing she wants or needs and I ask my children what they would like, at least that way they have something they want.

The best present would be for us all to get together with no restrictions, one day hopefully.

In over 40 years of marriage my DH has never written a birthday/Christmas card or bought presents for anyone. My SILs are exactly the same.

We no longer buy presents for anyone in the family and they no longer buy for us. I find it less stressful, financially and trying to think of suitable gifts. I am not ungrateful, but a lot of the gifts we received were completely unsuitable and a waste of money.

I think we are all sensitive at the moment so maybe you wouldn't normally be so upset about it. You have to keep dropping hints all through the year with sons and hope that the penny will drop! I find it hard when they bend over backwards for their wives family and don't do much to show appreciation for their own. I have three sons all so different. One is very much lead by his wife and we are second to her family, the other is so thoughtful and he hugs me so much its gorgeous and I would rather that than presents. The last one has no partner and still needs reminding of family events from me so I suppose I am like a wife in that respect. But he always goes and finds something at the shops for me. Accept them as they are and enjoy, they will always be there for you when you need them.

I was wondering is it not possible the cake and chocolate were intended as a joint gift from the 3 of them? It wouldn’t have occurred to me that it was only from your Dil and granddaughter because they delivered it. You’ve said your Dil is kind and thoughtful and that makes me think she’s taken responsibility for choosing your favourite chocolate etc as a nice little family gift from them.

When it’s son’s next birthday or Christmas give him a card with no money in it.

no wonder you feel sad.
you feel used because you are used.
people do not value what they get on the cheap.
it's good you are beginning to live your own lives again.
why do you give son and DIL gifts of money. i bet they live a more comfortable life than you ever did.
cut back on all that.
just give some little crafty thing for GC.
value yourselves. people take you at your own estimation. if you put up with anything, it will just carry on. why behave as if you are the inferior parties.

Was your son always this laid back about your birthday? Does he give importance to birthday - despite him knowing your expectations?

Is your dh his father?

If he has always been this way- I doubt it is going to change

If something has changed in recent years, what happened?

Your dh should look after himself first and do not offer anything that is prejudicial for him - re: daycare.

Is this a sudden change?
Is it very different to previous years?

@geekesse
Regarding birthdays he does know that I do not want a great fuss about birthdays a recognition and a thoughtful inexpensive gift is appreciated but make a fuss if I do not give the gift of money they both expect on their birthdays @farnort
Yes he does know I think birthdays are important to acknowledge even with a phone call , text or card and a small inexpensive gift. I can not fault my daughter in law as what she did with my grandchild was lovely but from her and my grandchild and appropriate for my grand daughter . My fault lies with my son

You are not unreasonable to stop doing childcare as you get older and your lives change.
Make sure to let your son and daughter in law know, tho, in plenty of time.

Late birthday wishes Pepper. I do not think you are being unreasonable, not to have bought you a gift for your birthday, however small was mean. they are taking you for granted. I know your grandchildren are a joy but don't you think it's time your husband went back to work,,that,you stopped putting your life on hold, what happens when they start school and he is redundant. They have a childminder whom they will have to pay and I think they need to realise a few things. I would be straight and say you loved having them but can't afford to run the house on just your salary, you need your husband working when he still has a job to go to. Itblooks like they don't want to do gifts anymore and I would decide if you just want to buy for grandchildren in future. I do know grandparents who charge for childcare, I never wanted a penny but was appreciatedmat the time. . Now they are older I'm pleased if I get a text.

Pepper, please don't upset yourself. Sons always rely on their wives to remind them of birthdays etc. If it wasn't for my daughters-in-law, I doubt I'd get a Card. But ofcourse, I would be upset.
I really wouldn't withdraw the help you and your husband give them. Looking after grandchildren should be a privilege and a pleasure, if you have the health to do so.
Children do take us for granted.
Btw, you say you have a thoughtful daughter-in-law. Try to be happy that you don't have a daughterinlaw from hell, as some of the members here, have .....

Thank you for your kind reply. I feel so really upset and I know my husband does. He gives so much in the terms of childcare and loves the time he spends with her but both of us feel used. We do not expect much just a little recognition as the other couple who are friends who provide some childcare they pay for a caravan at an english resort for five days and go away with them. Not us just a chocolate bar and some cards. My husband has decided to go back to work fulltime in January when my second grandchild arrives and I have told him(my husband) we will not provide childcare when the my daughter in law goes back to work in a year. I want to ease down in my own job and cant do this if my husband is not is some kind of part time employment.For us this is a devastating decision to make as I know how hard it is to work full time and pay for childcare for two children where as with a little more give and take my husband would have stayed at home and looked after both even though one is in preschool. We always vowed to help our children through this phase as we know how hard it was for us. I just wondered if we were being unreasonable

That is disappointing pepper is he normally thoughtful I think I d have felt a bit pipped off too

No, grandparents don’t need to accept being exploited. Tell them to figure out their own childcare.

You seem to be confusing two issues. They didn’t make a fuss of you on your birthday. That’s sad. They use you. That’s unacceptable. You seem to be assuming that doing childcare entitles you to birthday greetings. That’s not really logical.

Some people set great store by birthdays, others aren't fussed.
Does your son know that you feel this is important?

I wouldn’t say you’re being unreasonable at all. Personally in light of their deflation of how they feel about you I would be evaluating how much you give to them and cut back accordingly/ completely.