why do I feel so detached from my parents

There is nothing wrong with the way you feel. We don't owe anyone a relationship, even a family member.

Some trust cannot be won back once broken. If you weren't supported or even believed during traumatic events, that's devastating. You going through something awful might have been hard for them to accept but as your parents that was their responsibility, not yours.

I can imagine having close family members disbelieve you made it extremely difficult for you to seek support.

I would suggest you do that now. Reach out and get some counseling. It is hard to forgive without an apology and especially without acknowledging they were wrong.

I would also say, you communicate often. You could cut that back slowly, at least enough to give you some peace from this. You just can't force love but you can take measures to protect yourself. I think in th circumstances you shouldn't feel guilty and your siblings putting pressure on you is not ok.

thelbg don't let this get you down. Siblings who live locally have no idea of the difficulties of living a long way away. When a friend recently confided about her problem with the lack of understanding of her siblings, we agreed we both had to just get on with it. The siblings won't change.
You're working, you can't stay over with them and you can't join more than 2 other households.
Have a good break when you eventually get it.

When I dwell on past events in my upbringing I say to myself 'Be thankful for the good things, forgive the bad things and move on'. I find it a helpful mantra.

Hope its helped to write this down, it always helps to clear the head in difficult situations.
We do what we think is right at the time and sometimes its wrong but thats often in hindsight. Be kind to yourself and to them. Wishing you well.

I just wanted to say thank you for all the replies, I dont know how to tag individual people, but replies have given me some welcome perspective. And yes, I am sure my parenting was not perfect either, I guess we do what we think is right at the time, and yes, things have changed.
And they were good parents, they loved us unconditionally, and still do.

They live 4 hours away, so I probably only see them every 3 months, and i usually stay overnight when I go. At the moment we text a few times a day and phone a couple of times a week. We try and have big family get togethers 3 times a year, one of which would be around Christmas, this wont happen this year for obvious reasons, and I always go. I am working over the Christmas 5 days so I couldnt even use this "allowed" window even if I wanted. But they have too many underlying conditions for this to be safe. I have never told anyone any of this, not even my husband, and I probably never will tell anyone. I think my 4 siblings, who are very local, perhaps have unrealistic expectations of what I can do as I am a long way away, I try and do what I can remotely, but I will never be able to do as much as them, especially as I still work fulltime. I will see them, but realistically it wont be until the vaccine, as it is just too unsafe, and I am too far away for a quick visit.
Thank you again for replies x

I agree with crazyH as well. I'm sure my parenting left a lot to be desired at times but can't change things now. I'm sorry you feel as you do thelbg is there anyone you can talk to about what happened to you if you don't want to tell your siblings.
Maybe time to put your feelings aside as your parents are now quite old, sometimes charity does begin at home.

In the normal scheme of things those in their late 80 s have far fewer Christmases than their adult children to look forward to.
If parents have been deliberately cruel that is one thing, but if not, and they are not even aware of any upset, surely that is a very different situation.

Another way to view this is: we only have so many xmas to celebrate in our own lives

How do you want to remember them? That's a question we should ask ourselves.

The sometimes unreasonable expectations for xmas shouldn't overwrite a personal decision

Hadn't quite finished!
Was going to say that you need to cut your parents some slack as they will soon be gone.
My mum never really supported me in the way I support my daughters, but she did her best under difficult circumstances.
I miss her terribly now she has gone, but accept that I have been left with a few tough feelings

My father died at 43, when I was 8 years old. Looking back as a grown up, I can see how badly this was handled from a child's point of you. Being sent to school with a note on the day I was told my dad had died is an example.
But I can also see as a grown up that my mother did her best, given the terrible situation she found herself in.
Times had been hard for that generation, going through a war meant they dealt with things in a way we wouldn't now.

Agree with others on here who have said that the OP shouldn't worry about it.

I adored my father but couldn't stand my mother. She was cold, nasty and critical towards me all through my life but expected respect and devotion in return. She never said sorry even for things she knew she'd got wrong.

I kept contacts with her at a minimum and still feel angry about my treatment sometimes. Glad the OP hasn't shared this with her siblings as they could tell her parents and cause all sorts of mischief.

crazyH

How sad that you feel this way. There's no handbook for parents. Most of us will, at some point, look back and wonder whether we did right by our children. I have grown up children of my own and on one or two occasions, have been pulled up on my parenting skills. Although I laughed it off at the time, it did hurt.
I am not a psychologist, but I am quite sure your parents will be devastated if you mentioned your feelings to them. They are in their late eighties, and surely, you don't want them to be riddled with guilt in their late years.
I can understand your feeling of being 'let down ' by them ...perhaps they felt if they ignored the issue, it would go away....burying their heads in the sand, comes to mind.
Please, please see them at Christmas. Best wishes ..

What an excellent post?
Needless to say...I agree with it entirely.

Perhaps you feel detached as a survival or coping mechanism. I no longer feel fond of my elderly mum for the many times she ruined events I organised or were for me ie special birthdays etc or has made cutting remarks over decades or has tried to belittle achievements or has made my dd cry. I arely hear from her, only when she wants something. There's no point in me phoning as she won't answer. So I have detached emotionally. I expect nothing. If you can relate to this, then you live your life for you. There are posters who seem to think you owe your parents. I would respectfully disagree. You don't need to make a big drama out of feeling the way you do if it will only achieve family upset. If family members make comments, be vague or ignore. Ultimately you do you, as the saying goes. You have no need to feel guilty about a relationship that isn't really there. They haven't really supported you in the past. I wish you well.

To be honest, if they failed to support you when you really needed them, and not just the once, I’m not surprised you feel like this.
I don’t think you should feel bad about it.
Are your siblings aware of what’s behind your feelings?

Please remember that only 3 households can meet over Christmas. If the op has more than 1 sibling then she does not need to feel guilty about not being with her parents over Christmas, in fact, quite the reverse.

Just because you are related to someone it does not mean that you have to like them.

You would not feel bad about not seeing other people that you dislike, parents are just people.

My parents were both awful.
As a child I fantasised about my real parents coming to get me, they sadly were my real parents.
Their deaths came as a huge relief and my life is much happier without them.
I’m not cruel or hard, I just drew the short straw when it came to a mum and dad.
Don’t worry about it yours not alone.

You’re definitely not alone thelbg. I once told a health visitor, that although very fond of my parents, I never loved them. I knew love, as I was married, and still am, and had just had my first child. We didn’t mould. My dad was distracted and bullish, certainly through my childhood, my mum favoured my sister. All my energy has gone into my family. Both my parents are dead now, and I feel sad at the way things were, but know if I did it again, I’d get the same outcome. Don’t punish yourself over this. I believe the obligation is on the parents to get it right, so working downwards. Your obligation is to your husband and children, your children’s to your grandchildren and so on. Keep well and don’t worry?

You say you would do anything for anyone but then say that you don’t want to share Christmas with your parents.

It’s fine for you not to be bothered about seeing them over Christmas but what about what they want? Do they want to see you? How about doing that “anything for anyone” if they do?

Not everyone has warm fuzzy feelings for members of their family, but hopefully respect for them and your siblings will urge you do to right by them.

I would rather feel I was doing a duty to them rather than have regrets later, and perhaps suffer disdain from your siblings as well.

Given that you recognise your parents actions (or lack thereof) weren’t meant to purposely hurt you doesn’t change the fact that they have in fact hurt you and it’s natural to withdraw affection from people who have caused you harm whether purposefully or not.
If you feel that you won’t regret your current course of action in later years, then you have your solution - carry on and devote your time and energy to those in your life who you value and vice versa.
However if you feel that you may have regrets, maybe looking at them as they are now (older/frail/in need of assistance) or focussing on how it helps your siblings may be a way to frame it mentally which won’t cause you more hurt.

How often do you see them during the year, not counting xmas?

People used to have respect for their parents and the older generation. I can think of one person who I like to tell how selfish he is and has been towards his son, but the reason I don't is that nothing will change and so it will only create bad feeling. It's easy to think you should say what's on your mind but it has lasting effects and does you and them no good in the end. If the OP has a good life and is happy, give a little to your parents, they won't be around forever and I can tell you, when they are gone, your bad memories of them will fade and you may be surprised that you think more fondly of them. Sounds strange but unless you have lost your parents, you wouldn't know how real this is. Good luck and concentrate on making them feel good instead of being selfish.

'The tree remembers what the axe forgets.'

I, too, understand how you feel. I don't think that you can make yourself feel different from the way you do, and it's not really fair of your siblings to expect that. They may well have had a relationship with your mother that was different from the one you had, or they may not have felt as bad about it as you did. That doesn't make you wrong.

I agree with those who point to their own parenting, and realise that nobody gets it right all the time, though. Whilst I have a strained relationship with my own mother, I am also able to acknowledge that I was not a perfect parent myself. I am doing all I can to build as good a relationship with my children as I can before it's too late, but in the end it's up to them whether they decide to dwell on the things that upset them as children, or whether to move on and enjoy the relationship we have now.

Do you think that your parents are aware of your feelings? It may be that they are, but don't know how to approach things with you.

I can understand how you feel. Unfortunately we tend to remember the things our parents did that upset us. I feel the same as you do about my mother who is 95. But if I am realistic, she actually did an awful lot for me. My problem is that 2 things stick in my mind where she really upset me and I do tend to dwell on those. I am in my 70s and I know my mother won't be here much longer and I try to find a way to love her but to be honest I don't. I think it is quite common. It's the old thing about we remember people by the way they made us feel. It's very difficult. She'd be very upset if she read this. So please don't feel guilty. Just try to be pleasant, which is what I do, though inside I feel as if I'd really like to sit her down and tell her everything but it is too late now as she's too old. I should have done it years ago. As someone else said, we all make mistakes and I know I've made loads with my own children.