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Continuing bad behaviour

(13 Posts)
Horti Sat 28-Nov-20 22:55:24

My DH behaviour is getting worse and worse
He can be fine all day then suddenly out of the blue turn aggressive and verbally abusive
It’s been a difficult year for everyone with many stresses and strains
The last few months there has been a difficult family issue every week or two -mainly Illness requiring support by us
I’ve tried to keep everything going and to go on walks etc to reduce stress and do nice things for those involved
His approach is if effort isn’t going his way it’s a waste of effort and I should be doing more domestic things here or for him
It’s pure selfishness
He will do practical things ( reluctantly often) but offers no emotional support
I’ve spoken to a GP that said it may be his way of dealing with stress but it’s really annoying me now
Any suggestions ?

absent Sun 29-Nov-20 06:20:50

How old is he?

Horti Sun 29-Nov-20 06:52:46

Mid sixties retired just before pandemic !
Realise it’s not been the retirement planned but no ones had the year they expected

vampirequeen Sun 29-Nov-20 07:30:14

Is this new behaviour or has he always been like this?

sodapop Sun 29-Nov-20 08:56:53

As you say Horti everyone has been under stress this year but it sounds like you have additional problems as well.
You shouldn't have to put up with verbal abuse from anyone least of all your husband, I think you should talk to him about how this makes you feel. There have been a lot of changes for him in a relatively short time and it seems its hard for him to adjust.
This does not excuse his behaviour but may explain a little, would he talk to someone about his feelings ?

lemongrove Sun 29-Nov-20 09:06:41

Try and keep calm during arguments, but don’t allow yourself to be or feel bullied.In other words, answer back...but reasonably so that he will realise that he is the unreasonable one.I think the answer to why he is being like this is not being used to retirement ( takes a while anyway) added to an awful year all round due to Covid. Good luck.

M0nica Sun 29-Nov-20 09:16:13

Do not underestimate the effect reirement can have on anyone, but I think more on men than women as most women have stronger social networks and are better at pulling on their resources to build a new retirement life.

Men consciously or not, feel the loss of status that comes with the end of their working life much more than women.
It would probably be pushing it to say your DH might be mentally ill, but the pandemic restrictions on top of his retirement may have taken him close to that point.

Does he have any outside interests that you can encourage? Spouses being together 24/7 when they are accustomed to each going off to work, of having colleagues at work etc can be very difficult. I certainly found going from a situation where DH was often away on business a lot to having him round 24/7 was really difficult - for me. DH is more gregarious than me and settled quite easily, while I took refuge in long walks.

There is an organisation called 'Men's Sheds', that provide men with an opportunity to do what they do in sheds but with other men around. He might find that interesting.

In the meanwhile, I’ve tried to keep everything going and to go on walks etc to reduce stress and do nice things for those involved I think it is time you stopped being the answer to everyone's problems and started valuing yourself for yourself and not just for your utility to other people. Step back and look after yourself before, find time for yourself, to do things you enjoy, and enjoy some me time.

Carenza123 Sun 29-Nov-20 09:20:03

It may be because he has not had enough time to adjust to being retired, but does not excuse him from being abusive to you - you have had enough on your plate supporting others. I think men do get selfish and resent you spending time and effort on others. You need to let him know how his behaviour affects you. Perhaps a check up with the doctor would also be worthwhile, if he would go.

jenpax Sun 29-Nov-20 09:36:54

Abuse of any kind is completely unacceptable and you mentioned aggression too! Do you have any family you feel able to discuss this with? Has he always been inclined to aggression and abuse or is this a new thing?

Lazyriver Sun 29-Nov-20 10:57:47

I agree with MOnica.
My husband is a gregarious, outgoing, sociable sort but has always struggled in the winter. Lockdown hit him hard and as I was working, he did start to go a bit 'dulally' as he put it. Drinking a bit more, getting moody and difficult.
I have retired now too so he has me as company more. It is important to have your own space and back off when he is having a tantrum.
I can't speak for all men's problems, but I do think falling testosterone levels can affect self esteem, and if they have always been fit, then even small health changes can hit them in the ego.
Men aren't ones to talk about their feelings generally, and not like us girls who are quite happy to talk about ours with a friend. I do think they need other male contact though.
At the end of the day, it's his life and he's a grown up. You have your own life, so seperate yourself emotionally if not physically and maybe he will get the message

25Avalon Sun 29-Nov-20 11:34:28

A lot of men experience problems in adjusting when they retire at the best of times. The pandemic can only escalate things. Often wives find their husbands take over and yet your husband wants you to do more not less. This is not acceptable and needs sorting. Try to keep calm when he is shouting etc. Don’t argue back. Walk away until he calms down. I would talk to him in the morning when he is calmer and discuss how you find this upsetting and what can be done.

Horti Sun 29-Nov-20 13:50:03

Thanks all for your useful comments
He has always been inclined to ‘ tantrums ‘ and I could say is a bully at times also liking his own way
I’ve always been independent and have many hobbies and friends
He’s never really invested in people but likes being a loner
I’ve actually lost more eg activities due Covid than he has
I’ve been very flexible in finding new things /days out to do within the Rules
I agree about the testosterone issue also I believe this is quite common but agree not justified
I have learnt to not take it to heart ( if I can ) and walk away but it’s still annoying !!
I keep busy at home and outside as much as possible and don’t let it curtail my projects etc
My fear is it will get worse
His parents were both either bullies or aggressive but concealed it to outsiders so I think it’s partly learnt behaviour but not still not justified I would have expected you’d try to do something better if you’d had a bad childhood but I’m
No psychologist

Fuchsiarose Sun 29-Nov-20 16:08:32

Men like to feel needed. Find him some things to do that are achievable. His retirement meant losing his male cohorts as well. Charities are desperate for older males with skills. DIY, upcycling furniture for those in need.. Its all there waiting for him after lockdown