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Understanding advice required

(16 Posts)
Lizbethann55 Wed 02-Dec-20 19:48:57

Way back in January I wrote on here about my DD1. On Christmas day she had told us she was pregnant. There was great rejoicing. By the end of January she had been told the baby had died. Now I know that early miscarriages are very very common, but my DD was not someone in her early 20s who had only just started trying for a baby. She is in her late 30s, had been trying for over 4 years, had had two unsuccessful IVF attempts and this had been her first natural pregnancy. Two days after the news we spent the worst day ever waiting at hospital for her to have an operation to remove the foetus. Things got worse . The doctor who was overseeing her follow up treatment was so awful in his attitude that my DD formally complained. He even told her (unasked and certainly unwanted) what the gender of the baby would have been. She then spent months transferring her IVF funding to a different clinic. Of course Covid got in the way. Then just as they were about to move house she got made redundant. Between them they decided that they could afford to move. It should have been last week but the day before a solicitor down the chain decided there was a problem. Today a solicitor further up the chain has decided he is not ready. So even though everyone concerned is packed and ready, it could happen any time. The good news is that she has got another job. And it is one that she would have gone for anyway. So why do I need sympathetic understanding? Well. The miscarriage was terrible. Three other things happened. 1. Her best friend became pregnant at exactly the same time. Their babies were due within days of each other. 2. It was exactly nine months after her 2nd failed IVF so in a way she was grieving for two lost babies that week. 3. Her sister in law gave birth to her third healthy baby that week. Now to the crux. My DS has just told me that he and his fiancee are expecting a baby. It was planned and they are very happy. But he is really anxious about telling his eldest sister. We know she will be delighted for him, but her joy will be tinged with such sadness and the news will be so bitter sweet. I think that sometimes it is forgotten that infertility is always the elephant in the room. The happiness that is never quite complete. As my DD once said to me " I am used to putting a smile on my face and keeping my tears for private".. I know there is nothing you can do or say, but I just needed to offload. Thanks for taking the time to read.

Smileless2012 Wed 02-Dec-20 19:52:48

I don't know what to say Lizbethann. To say I'm so sorry for all that your DD has gone through seems woefully inadequate, but I am truly sorryflowers.

OceanMama Wed 02-Dec-20 20:10:12

I, too, am sorry for all your daughter has gone through. And for you too. It hurts when our children are hurting, especially when it's something like this.

Hithere Wed 02-Dec-20 20:17:58

As a person with multiple miscarriages and friends having kids, I sympathize, it is so hard.

Your daughter has the right idea and she is handling it like a pro.
Life around you doesnt stop.

As lame as it sounds, time helps.

V3ra Wed 02-Dec-20 20:32:28

What a nightmare year for your daughter and all the family. It's far too common.
Has she had any contact with SANDS? They were a great help to a couple I know following a still-birth and a miscarriage.

kittylester Wed 02-Dec-20 20:38:43

I'm so sorry to hear this. Your poor daughter!!

Just be there with love and hugs. And love and hugs for you too. flowers

Georgesgran Wed 02-Dec-20 20:55:06

So sorry. I’d have thought in 40 years since something similar - things might have moved forward - obviously not. 💐

sodapop Wed 02-Dec-20 21:10:45

So sorry for your daughter Lizbethann55 she is coping very well, your support must be very important to her. I hope things improve soon. thanks

Madgran77 Wed 02-Dec-20 21:25:13

Your daughter sounds so wise. I am so sorry that she has gone through all this and that you have to watch your "child" go through it; that is so painful for you. flowers

mumofmadboys Wed 02-Dec-20 21:49:13

I am sorry your DD has had such a hard year. I hope you can rejoice a little with your DS and partner.
35 years ago now I had a DD who was stillborn. 3 close friends had daughters at approximately the same time. I am godmother to all 3. I found it hard buying presents for them and going to baptisms. However now there is something really lovely about our 3 God daughters all the same age as our DD would have been.
Your DD will come through all this and hopefully a pregnancy will work out for her in the near future.

Nanna58 Wed 02-Dec-20 21:58:47

I had 3 miscarriages, all were assisted pregnancies, before I had DD l I can so sympathise with your daughter, pasting a smile on your face for others when your heart is broken is exhausting . I can do nothing but send her love and hope that she is eventually as lucky as I was .

grannypiper Wed 02-Dec-20 22:05:08

Lizbethann I have no words of advice just a virtual hug and hope that next year will be so much better for both you and your Daughter. flowers

Grandma11 Wed 02-Dec-20 22:12:22

It's a very sad and difficult time when a family suffers a Babyloss, either via miscarriage or stillbirth. As the mother of five daughters, I have experienced both as a Grandparent, DD4 suffered 5 miscarriges, then after help from the NHS fertility clinic at our Local Hospital, she managed to give birth to a baby girl when she was 32, surprisingly followed by a baby boy exactly a year later. She had almost given up hope of ever becoming a mother, although the Consultant Obstetrician responsible for her care told her that most women manage to deliver a baby of their own eventually, but some can take a decade or more of failures and treatment to do so.
DD4 was treated with Metformin tablets, and was with a new partner for two years before their Children were born.

Hopefully one day your daughter may have a similar happy outcome and become a Mum herself, often it will happen when she least expects it. Good Luck.

LauraNorder Thu 03-Dec-20 01:06:44

Lizbethan, your poor daughter, how heartbreaking for her. I’m sure, as you say, she will be happy for her brother but nevertheless sad for herself. You sound like a lovely caring family and are lucky to have each other.

Lizbethann55 Sun 06-Dec-20 14:28:20

Thank you so much for all your kind words. They mean a lot. My DS told his sister about the baby. She is obviously pleased for him. But........ Then this morning my DB told me that his DS and DiL are expecting a baby. My DD should have moved house at the end of November, but due to very basic errors from solicitors at both ends of ths chain, that may not happen until February!! My heart actually physically aches for my DD. As everyone of you will agree there is nothing worse than seeing you children in so much anguish. As parents we would do anything to take that pain away. I read on here some months ago " you can only ever be as happy as your unhappiest child". That is one of the most profound and true sentiments I have ever read. Thank you again for your kind words and wishes. Xx

TrendyNannie6 Tue 08-Dec-20 22:42:07

This is so sad, hoping your daughter becomes a mum soon, poor lady, I can’t imagine how she must be feeling, sending virtual hugs to her and you