Gransnet forums


Daughter with Bi Polar.

(15 Posts)
Susanne123 Mon 21-Dec-20 11:01:44

I wondered if anyone has a similar problem. I live on my own and have no help from her father. My daughter is 43 and was diagnosed with Bipolar around 15 years ago. She had two young children at the time which they took from her and the other grandmother took them on. Although that’s a different story as the grandmother was from an unsavoury family which dealt in drugs but that’s not my problem now as the children are much older. My daughter still sees them occasionally as they don’t live that far from her. Her relationship with them is not good as she never has any money so they tend to keep away from her as she’s been known to ask them for money. I’m at my wits end as I have lived with this problem all these years. She has a very volatile relationship with a man also with bipolar and mild schizophrenic. She lives in a flat on her own and he also lives on his own. But they see each other and stay at each other’s flats until they start to fight and argue then one gets a taxi back to their home. I might add that neither has any money so they used to call either me or the other mum to pay the fare which is usually around £25. Now they’ve got this taxi man to run them back and fourth and pay him monthly when she gets paid. Consequently when she gets her monthly money she is left with hardly anything. So constantly calls me for money. If I told you everything that she’s done it would be like writing a book. I took out a phone contract in March for her as she was isolating in her flat and I wanted her to have communication. So I told vodaphone I would pay the monthly contract but she would own the phone. Anyway I have just discovered she managed to buy three phone contracts using my details. All two year contracts adding up to three thousand pounds. I have been told I am responsible for paying for these as she went online and made out she was me. I am at my wits end I’m forever giving her money. I had a phone call this morning saying she has been arrrested. God knows why. I really love my daughter and want to help her but feel there’s no one out there to help. If only she was paid weekly it might help a bit. Does anyone have the same problem

Susanne123 Mon 21-Dec-20 11:06:45

I have left such a lot out. This is just a snippet of what it’s been like for years and years. She’s been arrested numerous times before. Sadly she had a third daughter with this man but because of their volatile relationship she was taken for adoption. I know she’s in the best place as she would have to live such a chaotic life. I miss her but I can’t have contact with her. I couldn’t have taken her on as her mother and boyfriend would have made my life hell.

Alexa Mon 21-Dec-20 11:13:09

Is it nothing but bipolar disorder that is wrong with her?

If it's only bipolar, and not some other condition as well, then she seems hypomanic. Has she been given lithium ?

Susanne123 Mon 21-Dec-20 11:38:49

Hi Alexa
No she doesn’t take that but she does take antipsychotic tablets. She doesn’t even take these regularly. She forgets to get them for days then calls me saying she’s feeling ill. I do think sometimes she’s just being lazy. And wants me to mother her. Her main is money. As soon as she gets her monthly allowance she’s out spending it. Then a couple of days later she’s on the phone saying nun can you just give me £10 for gas or whatever. I’ve tried suggesting she transfer the whole lot over to me once a month then I would give a bit every day. And yes she’s all for it right up until the last hour and then she lets me down. My friends have told me to block her but I just can’t. She’s had such a crappy life. I just want to make things right. I have tried calling all different organisations but to no avail. They won’t let her have it weekly. I don’t know what the answer is

Anniebach Mon 21-Dec-20 11:50:56

Have you spoken to Bi Polar UK ? And can you speak to your
daughter’s mental health team ?

It’s hell coping with the concerns on your own

fevertree Mon 21-Dec-20 12:29:39

Susanne I'm so sorry for you.

Could you say definitely no more money, unless her allowance is paid to you. Stick to your guns if she backs out at the last minute so that she knows you mean it. Sure she would have to go without gas (or something). But she might understand that you are serious.

Does she self-medicate with illegal drugs?

You really need to distance yourself or you will collapse. Loving a person doesn't mean you have to accept unacceptable behaviour. Our instinct is to make our children's lives better but we can't always achieve that goal.


sodapop Mon 21-Dec-20 12:34:19

What a difficult situation for you Susanne123 can you get support from the mental health team on your own behalf. Have depot injections ever been suggested for your daughter to avoid the non medicating. There is probably no definitive answer to all the problems you are experiencing but perhaps you need to decide which areas you can live with and which need support from professionals. I think you should reach a compromise with your daughter and reduce the help you are giving, your own health is at risk with all the stress. Sometimes we just have to realise that we can only help in a limited way.

EllanVannin Mon 21-Dec-20 12:46:39

Your daughter should be having monthly injections of an antipsychotic, because she forgets to take this vital medication her condition is never going to be stable and besides everyone having to go through her nightmare behaviour she, herself, is going to get more ill.

The mental health team need to be contacted and a regular support package put into place. I take it her GP knows about what I would class, as her worsening condition ?

Hithere Mon 21-Dec-20 13:39:12

The problem we are dealing here is that she is an adult in her 40s. As her mother, you have no control over it

I would call the police to open a case against her for identity fraud and I would stop enabling her.
No more money, help, taxi fares, etc.

EllanVannin Mon 21-Dec-20 13:41:48

It matters not about age, if mental health problems are present the woman needs help not the police.

Nezumi65 Mon 21-Dec-20 13:42:13

I would also advise seeing whether she can have depot injections. Stop starting antipsychotics is not good for anyone.

For money I think the best thing would be to work on her to let you manage it. If she won’t there is nothing you can do.

How does she feel about running up so much debt in your name?

JuliaM Mon 21-Dec-20 14:10:35

Probably the best place for your daughter would be in a Mental health Rehab unit, the first portof call would be her G.P, with a view to allocating your daughter a CPN to her case (community mental health nurse). Referals to a Adult services social worker and the formation of a MDM, within a Multi disaplinary team who would also be able to bring in other agencies as required and make a long term plan for your daughters care, maybe with a residential placement in a Rehab unit run by one of the National Mental Health Charities.
As a concerned parent and your daughters next of kin, the GP should agree to listen to your concerns if you make an appointment with them, and hopefully act upon them. Good Luck.

Nezumi65 Mon 21-Dec-20 14:16:31

From what has been said here her daughter has no chance of getting an inpatient bed. That often doesn't happen when people are in crisis. Sometimes people come into the MH system via the criminal justice system but again they would have to be in crisis.

Bibbity Mon 21-Dec-20 17:04:50

You actually aren’t responsible for the phone contracts. You just have to tell them you’ve been the victim of fraud and identity theft. Unfortunately that will come with repercussions for you daughters actions.

You can’t keep giving and giving like this. There won’t be any of you left.
I’m so sorry you’re being put through this. It’s not fair or right but you are the one that needs to stop this. No one else can.

Fennel Mon 21-Dec-20 18:07:11

Susanne - very good advice here - can't add to it.
We have bipolar in our family. 2 generations. So have experienced some of those problems. Especially with our younger son.
With the help of professionals, and his connection with a religious group he has 'got a grip'. He's 53 now.
He has the advantage (?) of being very bright intellectually.
Also diagnosed as having Asperger's syndrome.
I don't know, he's still my G...... We have many interests in common, especially music.
Don't give up.